BaileyB Posted November 1, 2017 Share Posted November 1, 2017 I have been to an attorney...months ago. Just to get an idea of where i would stand. In my state him not telling me he has a STI is grounds for me to sue him actually. Whats hard about that is you get people telling you oh its only a skin condition and its manageable. My issue is not that...its the deceit. The continuation of lies by not taking the meds and hiding them after ive spoken out saying i need to see him take them to trust him again. He doesnt want to validate my feelings on this and thats a problem. sorry, rant. ive thought about a second attorney to get more in depth info...first just told me my opinions and generalized about of child support. Yup! For me, it would be time to get more specific information - about the division of assets, child support, spousal support. I'm not sure that you would want to sue your husband (in the best interest of coparenting in the future), but what he did was a HUGE thing. There would be no trust happening after something like that - even if I did see him take his meds... Knowledge is power. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Pequeen1 Posted November 1, 2017 Author Share Posted November 1, 2017 Honestly the trust thing has been my biggest struggle because part of me wants to say I can be that person to forgive and forget but I’m not. I’m really not. I tend to trust people for the get go because I like to believe the best in people but once it’s broken I can’t look past it. Call it a character flaw, I don’t know. No I have zero interest in suing him...or getting anything more from him that what I need to take care of my kids now and in the future. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted November 1, 2017 Share Posted November 1, 2017 The sad thing is that you'll find it harder to leave when he's old, frail and needing care..... people will see you as the bad wife for leaving the old man ... and you'll be stuck with him and miserable. Agreed. OP, he is already 61 and all he needs is to have a stroke or get dementia, and you are saddled with him as his carer for the rest of his life, which could in reality be decades... If you are unhappy, the time to leave is NOW, before he gets ill and needs to rely on you. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted November 1, 2017 Share Posted November 1, 2017 Honestly the trust thing has been my biggest struggle because part of me wants to say I can be that person to forgive and forget but I’m not. I’m really not. I tend to trust people for the get go because I like to believe the best in people but once it’s broken I can’t look past it. Call it a character flaw, I don’t know. No I have zero interest in suing him...or getting anything more from him that what I need to take care of my kids now and in the future. You can forgive and forget the fact that he had to work and missed a planned date or one of your children's activities. You can forgive and forget the fact that he said he would pick something up and forgot. He had an STD that he purposefully decided not to disclose to his partner and he purposefully decided not to take his medication. In so doing, he purposefully decided to put your health at risk without your knowledge or consent. No, there is no forgiveness for that. And, there would be no sex either... For me. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted November 1, 2017 Share Posted November 1, 2017 Is there any proof he has had herpes for 30 years or is this a more recent infection maybe? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted November 1, 2017 Share Posted November 1, 2017 With the big age difference, the fact he has grown children and his selfish deceitful behaviour it makes me wonder how your relationship with him even started. Was it an affair? Was he still married or was he cheating on someone in order to be with you? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Pequeen1 Posted November 1, 2017 Author Share Posted November 1, 2017 You can forgive and forget the fact that he had to work and missed a planned date or one of your children's activities. You can forgive and forget the fact that he said he would pick something up and forgot. He had an STD that he purposefully decided not to disclose to his partner and he purposefully decided not to take his medication. In so doing, he purposefully decided to put your health at risk without your knowledge or consent. No, there is no forgiveness for that. And, there would be no sex either... For me. He rarely goes to childrens activities. There is no sex and i told him to his face i couldnt be with him like that because of this. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Pequeen1 Posted November 1, 2017 Author Share Posted November 1, 2017 With the big age difference, the fact he has grown children and his selfish deceitful behaviour it makes me wonder how your relationship with him even started. Was it an affair? Was he still married or was he cheating on someone in order to be with you? Nope nothing like that....he was single. It started with conversation and what i thought was common interests. He did not look his age....once i knew how old he was the emotions were there. He talked a good game. Actually we talked about travel and first date he asked me to go sky diving, which fell though actually. No we travel no where. Well let me amend that....my boys and i travel. He sits on couch. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Pequeen1 Posted November 1, 2017 Author Share Posted November 1, 2017 Is there any proof he has had herpes for 30 years or is this a more recent infection maybe? He admitted hes had it for 30 years. He and ex wife got it around same time, no one knows who gave it to who. But i have spoken to her about all of it. Shes actually the one who told me that while he has told me he has not had an outbreak in 20+ years that he has actually called her for the Valtrex on several occasions. Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted November 2, 2017 Share Posted November 2, 2017 Why would you want to stay with a man you don't trust and one who disrespects you this way? Where's your boundary? What does he need to do in order to say no more? Where's the limit to the abuse you're going to endure? You're setting an example for the kids - they will learn that you take his bad behavior and do nothing to help yourself - is that what you wish to teach them? Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted November 2, 2017 Share Posted November 2, 2017 Do you want to do CIA detective work to find proof so that you can leave him, or do you want to find proof so that you can confront him with it to try to make him stop cheating? One means you leave, the other means you stay. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Pequeen1 Posted November 2, 2017 Author Share Posted November 2, 2017 Do you want to do CIA detective work to find proof so that you can leave him, or do you want to find proof so that you can confront him with it to try to make him stop cheating? One means you leave, the other means you stay. Leave. Proof means he has no leg to stand on when i say im out. He's a narcissist....which means everything gets twisted...hard to twist a picture or video. And I like to think that my kids arent fools and considering that they spend the majority of their time with me that they know how he is.....seems to be the thought on here that im some weakling however not the case. My kids have heard and seen me do things i enjoy and go out with friends and stand up for myself. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted November 2, 2017 Share Posted November 2, 2017 Leave. Proof means he has no leg to stand on when i say im out. He's a narcissist....which means everything gets twisted...hard to twist a picture or video. And I like to think that my kids arent fools and considering that they spend the majority of their time with me that they know how he is.....seems to be the thought on here that im some weakling however not the case. My kids have heard and seen me do things i enjoy and go out with friends and stand up for myself. When you decide - you state exactly what YOU plan to do. There's no room for him to twist anything when you state clearly "I'm divorcing you - the papers are filed". There's no room for argument when you state that he's not to come home - the locks have been changed. Or ... my bag is packed I'm moving today. Or, ... your bag is on the front porch and it's over. You decide for yourself - then don't engage in any argument. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
CC12 Posted November 3, 2017 Share Posted November 3, 2017 Yeah^ Leave. Proof means he has no leg to stand on when i say im out. He's a narcissist....which means everything gets twisted...hard to twist a picture or video. You don't need proof. Your leaving him is not a debate that you need to win. You don't need his permission to leave, and besides, you're never going to get him to agree that it's time for you to leave him. Even if you have proof that he's cheating on you, he's not going to just go, "You're absolutely right, honey, I have been a piece of ****. It would be best for you and the children if you divorced me." There's going to be resistance no matter what. Is it possible that you needing proof is just kind of a procrastination tactic on your part? It's fine if you're not ready to leave yet, but don't make that the one thing that you'll finally allow yourself to leave him over, because you may never get that proof. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted November 3, 2017 Share Posted November 3, 2017 A narcissist never admits wrongdoing. They are perfect, remember? My narcissist exH still denied even when I had solid evidence! I told him don't come home - I might hurt you. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted November 3, 2017 Share Posted November 3, 2017 And I like to think that my kids arent fools and considering that they spend the majority of their time with me that they know how he is.....seems to be the thought on here that im some weakling however not the case. My kids have heard and seen me do things i enjoy and go out with friends and stand up for myself. But all the good stuff tends to get completely ruined by even just one instance of "bad" stuff", that is how it usually works. To cite an extreme example. He was a friendly and nice guy, he loved kids, was kind to animals, adored his grandmother, gave his money to charity and was good at his job - great. One night he got annoyed, and shot and murdered his best friend. Oh. Do any of the "good things" matter now? Good things rarely negate bad things. Your boys see a "father" who basically ignores you and them. A man with little empathy or compassion who is selfish and self absorbed. It doesn't matter how sociable and lovely you are, the patterns of behaviour are being set. Also when children in such toxic relationships grow up, they can end up almost excusing the abusive, neglectful, nasty parent, as they must be "ill" or damaged or just evil, they cannot help who they are... They end up blaming the parent who is "normal", the one who was supposed to protect them, the one who was supposed to remove them from harm's way, but instead that parent was wishy washy and did nothing. They allowed the "abuse" to continue, and that can sometimes be seen as a whole lot worse. I have no idea if this man is a narcissist or not, but if he is. 8 Common, Long-Lasting Effects of Narcissistic Parenting 2 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted November 3, 2017 Share Posted November 3, 2017 The bad news is your husband is more than likely having sex with some long haired blonde in your home when you aren't there. The good news is at the rate she is losing hair she will be bald soon. At this point I don't know why you care since you don't plan on having sex with him anymore because of the herpes. If you need proof install a small camera for evidence. You can buy them online. I'm with the others who say you should file for divorce. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted November 3, 2017 Share Posted November 3, 2017 You definitely don't need proof to file for divorce. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Pequeen1 Posted November 3, 2017 Author Share Posted November 3, 2017 The bad news is your husband is more than likely having sex with some long haired blonde in your home when you aren't there. The good news is at the rate she is losing hair she will be bald soon. At this point I don't know why you care since you don't plan on having sex with him anymore because of the herpes. If you need proof install a small camera for evidence. You can buy them online. I'm with the others who say you should file for divorce. Camera is up and running! I just want to know for my peace of mind. There does seem to be a lot of these hairs which makes no sense to me. My mom visits for a week twice a year and i don't find her hair for months. Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted November 3, 2017 Share Posted November 3, 2017 Camera is up and running! I just want to know for my peace of mind. There does seem to be a lot of these hairs which makes no sense to me. My mom visits for a week twice a year and i don't find her hair for months. I hope the camera shows you something and that it won't be too emotionally difficult to see it. Back in the day, when I was still married but things were crumbling, I found a long thick black hair in our bed. Like it came from the head of an Asian woman. I am Caucasian and have fine long blonde hair and it could not possibly be my hair. It was right around the same time I found a mystery CD in my husband's alarm clock/CD player. It was a "mix" CD. He denied any knowledge of either of those things and ridiculed me for a long time for keeping that hair tucked in a book. I never found out the truth about those things, but since he was caught cheating at a later date, I have no doubt my intuition was right. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Pequeen1 Posted November 3, 2017 Author Share Posted November 3, 2017 I hope the camera shows you something and that it won't be too emotionally difficult to see it. Back in the day, when I was still married but things were crumbling, I found a long thick black hair in our bed. Like it came from the head of an Asian woman. I am Caucasian and have fine long blonde hair and it could not possibly be my hair. It was right around the same time I found a mystery CD in my husband's alarm clock/CD player. It was a "mix" CD. He denied any knowledge of either of those things and ridiculed me for a long time for keeping that hair tucked in a book. I never found out the truth about those things, but since he was caught cheating at a later date, I have no doubt my intuition was right. Ugh im sorry. I have short reddish brown hair and these are long fine white blonde hairs.....my sister does have blondish brown hair but its thick so i still feel like im grasping at straws. He has all the signs of cheating but hes lazy, doesnt have a cell phone and is terrible with technology. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted November 3, 2017 Share Posted November 3, 2017 Not having a cell phone keeps him out of trouble. More people should try it. Link to post Share on other sites
standtall Posted November 3, 2017 Share Posted November 3, 2017 Don't put a camera in a bathroom or a bedroom and then try to bring it as evidence in court ...even in your own home it is very illegal where someone has an expectation of privacy. At the minimum, they will not allow it in court, and at the worst you could be charged. Use it for your own info, but don't reveal it. The advice you get here can be riddled with emotion and no logic...it is best to consult with an attorney or do your own legal research. Also, with a full time job as a teacher, you are not going to get much in spousal support unless he makes a tremendous amount more than you. These laws are different from state to state but are very similar...your results may vary. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted November 3, 2017 Share Posted November 3, 2017 I find it very sad that the fact that he treats you and your children with such contempt is not enough of a reason for you to leave... Rather, you are hanging your hat on the hope that you will find video evidence of cheating - all to make yourself feel better - because then the divorce will be his fault, not yours. When the truth is, if you were to file for divorce today, it would be his fault not yours... but, you don't see that yet. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
BarbedFenceRider Posted November 3, 2017 Share Posted November 3, 2017 I want to know if you yourself contracted the herpes? Would this take into account during the divorce? Link to post Share on other sites
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