Found hairs that aren't mine.

[Pequeen1]

Prequeen how you are going about this is the right way

 

Divorce with young children involved is no easy feat.a group of people can give advice to just up and go ...that would be an immature decision jumping from a frying pan straight into the fire ...

 

Planning your exit quietly is the right way for what ever reason you may be doing it .You would need to keep your self and your children afloat financially .And the same group of people would not be coming to your rescue if you ended up on the street because you did not plan your finances and your exit properly .

 

And wanting proof of his infedility based on your gut instinct is no crime .you can use it or you dont have to use it .may be thats a final blow for you to finally make concrete action towards your future .

 

Your process of getting you and your children to a safe ground should not be anyone issue ..nobody should berate or pressurize you to take that step without getting your finances in place .just plan and excute to get to that place when you feel you can get your family through it safely and securely .

 

Thank you.

 

It is not an easy process and i know myself pretty well....i tend to look for the best in people even after ive been burned. Im working on it though.

[jenkins95]

Hi (((Pequeen1)))

 

Sorry to go off topic, but I was shocked when I read about the 27 year age gap. I have tried to read the rest of the thread but my mind keeps going back to that.

 

I know you didn’t ask for advice on that aspect, but I can't help thinking that that is a serious gap - a whole generation. Assuming you are around 30, that would make him nearly 60. Presumably, you are often mistaken as father and daughter? Do you “feel” the gap? Are you happy with it?

 

Now, if things were otherwise great, then sure - this is unconventional, but relationships with such a gap can sometimes work. But given all the other cr*p you are going through and the fact that you are obviously unsatisfied and unhappy in aspects of your marriage at the moment, don't you think that you should also bring the age factor into your thinking?

 

I mean, even if he eventually dies of old age, you could still have decades on your own after that.....and do you really want to spend many of your prime years playing nurse-maid to an elderly H? I know that sounds unkind, but it is probably realistic.

 

Given all the other unpleasant stuff that is going on, has it crossed your mind to end the marriage, get over it, and then perhaps look for someone your own age?

 

I'm sorry if this t/j is unwelcome, but that age gap leapt out at me and it is surely a factor to consider here.

 

Good luck and please keep posting

 

EDIT: Sorry, just seen this: "I'm 34 he is 61".

 

OP, you are so young! Even if he was husband of the year, this is a tough deal for you. But as he is clearly very far from husband of the year, I don't know what's holding you back? You could have half a century or more ahead of you. Make it as wonderful for you and your kids as you possibly can. Don't hang on, only to realise at 50 that you should have left at 34. Put you and those kids first.

Edited November 8, 2017 by jenkins95

[Pequeen1]

Hi (((Pequeen1)))

 

Sorry to go off topic, but I was shocked when I read about the 27 year age gap. I have tried to read the rest of the thread but my mind keeps going back to that.

 

I know you didn’t ask for advice on that aspect, but I can't help thinking that that is a serious gap - a whole generation. Assuming you are around 30, that would make him nearly 60. Presumably, you are often mistaken as father and daughter? Do you “feel” the gap? Are you happy with it?

 

Now, if things were otherwise great, then sure - this is unconventional, but relationships with such a gap can sometimes work. But given all the other cr*p you are going through and the fact that you are obviously unsatisfied and unhappy in aspects of your marriage at the moment, don't you think that you should also bring the age factor into your thinking?

 

I mean, even if he eventually dies of old age, you could still have decades on your own after that.....and do you really want to spend many of your prime years playing nurse-maid to an elderly H? I know that sounds unkind, but it is probably realistic.

 

Given all the other unpleasant stuff that is going on, has it crossed your mind to end the marriage, get over it, and then perhaps look for someone your own age?

 

I'm sorry if this t/j is unwelcome, but that age gap leapt out at me and it is surely a factor to consider here.

 

Good luck and please keep posting

 

EDIT: Sorry, just seen this: "I'm 34 he is 61".

 

OP, you are so young! Even if he was husband of the year, this is a tough deal for you. But as he is clearly very far from husband of the year, I don't know what's holding you back? You could have half a century or more ahead of you. Make it as wonderful for you and your kids as you possibly can. Don't hang on, only to realise at 50 that you should have left at 34. Put you and those kids first.

 

Hi,

 

To be honest the age gap wasnt an issue until the last few years. When we first started dating he didnt act his age, went to the gym sometimes twice a day and we were always going places and doing things. After i had our oldest things started to change. He still talks about going places but there never is any follow through.

 

Around our area hes pretty well known, hes a teacher and has taught half of our town, so the father/daughter thing isnt an issue here....however when we visit my family out of town it happens pretty often.

 

I have absolutely thought about the age gap and the fact that someone closer to my age would be more active and what not. I think there is a part of me that feels really ugly saying "youre too old, i want a divorce". I working on that. The age difference comes into play in other areas of the relationship too if you understand my meaning.

 

I have a hard time thinking about telling my boys that the reason i wasnt happy with their dad is because hes old. Although the 6 year old is very aware that hes much older than his friends dads.

 

I have a stepson who is 33 and my husband compares my 6year old to him all the time....ive thought about leaving based on this alone. I dont want my son to grow up thinking that hes in the shadow of his brother...who really is nothing to brag about. Both he and my husband live in the past and the "Glory Days"

[jenkins95]

Hi,

 

To be honest the age gap wasnt an issue until the last few years. When we first started dating he didnt act his age, went to the gym sometimes twice a day and we were always going places and doing things. After i had our oldest things started to change. He still talks about going places but there never is any follow through.

 

Around our area hes pretty well known, hes a teacher and has taught half of our town, so the father/daughter thing isnt an issue here....however when we visit my family out of town it happens pretty often.

 

I have absolutely thought about the age gap and the fact that someone closer to my age would be more active and what not. I think there is a part of me that feels really ugly saying "youre too old, i want a divorce". I working on that. The age difference comes into play in other areas of the relationship too if you understand my meaning.

 

I have a hard time thinking about telling my boys that the reason i wasnt happy with their dad is because hes old. Although the 6 year old is very aware that hes much older than his friends dads.

 

I have a stepson who is 33 and my husband compares my 6year old to him all the time....ive thought about leaving based on this alone. I dont want my son to grow up thinking that hes in the shadow of his brother...who really is nothing to brag about. Both he and my husband live in the past and the "Glory Days"

 

Thank you for addressing my post so openly and honestly. From what you've said, the age gap thing has now become a factor.

 

You are right when you say that it feels horrible to say that you are leaving someone because they are too old, but if you were to leave him, this wouldn't be the primary reason. After all, if everything else was rosy in the relationship, I doubt you would have signed up to LS on the basis of his age alone. The fact is there are several reasons that you have posted about why you may want to leave, the age thing is just another factor: "I left him because of X, Y and Z.... and I suppose the age gap isn't ideal either."

 

Full disclosure, I had a full blown affair a few years ago, which is why I am here now. The age gap was a little over half that of you and your H... and even with that gap, and even in an affair context, where everyone is showing their best side and giving 100% energy... even then I felt the age gap. I felt it in her energy, in the way she interacted with friends, her social life, her attitude to work, etc. I also felt it in the physical side. I was working at 150% to keep up with her, and whereas she would just get up the next day and get on with her life, I would be exhausted all day and sleep like a log! Of course, she didn't see that side of me - I saved that for my poor wife! If we'd ever ended up in a real relationship, I think she'd have been very disappointed when normal life set in. There's no way I could have kept that energy level up in a real relationship.... the sexual side of the relationship and just the energy of life in general. I could only match her "get up and go" in short bursts in an affair context. The age gap didn't matter in an affair... It was kind of cool, but I'm sure it would have caught up with us in a real relationship.

 

At 34, you are a young woman and pretty much at your sexual peak. At 61, he's decades past his. As I said, if there was nothing else wrong in the relationship, no problem. People work around and adapt to these things in the interests of keeping a great relationship together. But in your case, this is not currently a great relationship.

 

I realise I am continuing a threadjack here and the age gap is not something you originally asked advice on. But it just leapt out at me and I couldn't help commenting. I hope you don't mind. Just imagine what life could be like with a 36 year-old, who is crazy about you, has energy levels to match yours, puts you first and does not put you through what your H is putting you through. If that sounds appealing, it is just another factor to add to your thinking.

 

Good luck whatever you decide and keep posting.

Edited November 8, 2017 by jenkins95

[MJJean]

You don't have to tell the kids or your H that you're ending the marriage because your H is too old. There is a difference between honesty and TMI. All you have to say is that you weren't a compatible match, chose to end the marriage due to irreconcilable differences, and that's it. Anything more isn't anyone's business.

[MJJean]

At 34, you are a young woman and pretty much at your sexual peak. At 61, he's decades past his. As I said, if there was nothing else wrong in the relationship, no problem. People work around and adapt to these things in the interests of keeping a great relationship together. But in your case, this is not currently a great relationship.

 

So much this.

 

My Aunt was a school friend of mine who happened to meet and fall in love with my father's older brother. There is a 1 year age difference between us. I am the elder by 11 months, 2 weeks.

 

My friend and my uncle have a 20 year age difference. They've been married for over 20 years now and raised 4 children together. They're happy. The age difference isn't an issue because my Aunt is an old soul. She is quite content to live like a much older woman. She doesn't have a sex drive and she doesn't want a socially or physically active lifestyle. No lies, no drama, no std's, just a nice sedentary life with each other as close companions. It works for them.

 

Me? I have a high sex drive. I hit my peak in my early to mid 30's and still haven't come down at 42. I'd lose my mind if I was married to a much older man who couldn't meet my sexual needs. I like being active physically and mentally, I'd be unhappy, frustrated, and feel distant from my husband if he couldn't/wouldn't fully participate in life with me. One of the joys of marriage is learning, growing, and experiencing both new and old things together. I'd feel like I was missing out and wasting my life married to a much older man, I'd be deeply unhappy, and I know it. A marriage with a 20 year age gap wouldn't work for me and sounds like a circle of Hell.

 

I don't want to offend or hurt anyone living with a permanent STD, but STD's are a dealbreaker for me. We're all entitled to our boundaries and dealbreakers, that is one of mine.

 

I suspect you're much closer to my personality type than my Aunt's, Pequeen1. I honestly don't think you'd be happy in this marriage even without the STD, refusal to address said STD by taking his meds as directed, the lies, and the "glory days" comparisons. With those things? Yeah...no.

[Pequeen1]

Thank you for addressing my post so openly and honestly. From what you've said, the age gap thing has now become a factor.

 

You are right when you say that it feels horrible to say that you are leaving someone because they are too old, but if you were to leave him, this wouldn't be the primary reason. After all, if everything else was rosy in the relationship, I doubt you would have signed up to LS on the basis of his age alone. The fact is there are several reasons that you have posted about why you may want to leave, the age thing is just another factor: "I left him because of X, Y and Z.... and I suppose the age gap isn't ideal either."

 

Full disclosure, I had a full blown affair a few years ago, which is why I am here now. The age gap was a little over half that of you and your H... and even with that gap, and even in an affair context, where everyone is showing their best side and giving 100% energy... even then I felt the age gap. I felt it in her energy, in the way she interacted with friends, her social life, her attitude to work, etc. I also felt it in the physical side. I was working at 150% to keep up with her, and whereas she would just get up the next day and get on with her life, I would be exhausted all day and sleep like a log! Of course, she didn't see that side of me - I saved that for my poor wife! If we'd ever ended up in a real relationship, I think she'd have been very disappointed when normal life set in. There's no way I could have kept that energy level up in a real relationship.... the sexual side of the relationship and just the energy of life in general. I could only match her "get up and go" in short bursts in an affair context. The age gap didn't matter in an affair... It was kind of cool, but I'm sure it would have caught up with us in a real relationship.

 

At 34, you are a young woman and pretty much at your sexual peak. At 61, he's decades past his. As I said, if there was nothing else wrong in the relationship, no problem. People work around and adapt to these things in the interests of keeping a great relationship together. But in your case, this is not currently a great relationship.

 

I realise I am continuing a threadjack here and the age gap is not something you originally asked advice on. But it just leapt out at me and I couldn't help commenting. I hope you don't mind. Just imagine what life could be like with a 36 year-old, who is crazy about you, has energy levels to match yours, puts you first and does not put you through what your H is putting you through. If that sounds appealing, it is just another factor to add to your thinking.

 

Good luck whatever you decide and keep posting.

 

You're right...and I do think about it. About what it would be like to have someone who wants to see and do the same things I do. In that regard I feel a bit duped by him.

 

Thank you for sharing your situation.

[Pequeen1]

So much this.

 

My Aunt was a school friend of mine who happened to meet and fall in love with my father's older brother. There is a 1 year age difference between us. I am the elder by 11 months, 2 weeks.

 

My friend and my uncle have a 20 year age difference. They've been married for over 20 years now and raised 4 children together. They're happy. The age difference isn't an issue because my Aunt is an old soul. She is quite content to live like a much older woman. She doesn't have a sex drive and she doesn't want a socially or physically active lifestyle. No lies, no drama, no std's, just a nice sedentary life with each other as close companions. It works for them.

 

Me? I have a high sex drive. I hit my peak in my early to mid 30's and still haven't come down at 42. I'd lose my mind if I was married to a much older man who couldn't meet my sexual needs. I like being active physically and mentally, I'd be unhappy, frustrated, and feel distant from my husband if he couldn't/wouldn't fully participate in life with me. One of the joys of marriage is learning, growing, and experiencing both new and old things together. I'd feel like I was missing out and wasting my life married to a much older man, I'd be deeply unhappy, and I know it. A marriage with a 20 year age gap wouldn't work for me and sounds like a circle of Hell.

 

I don't want to offend or hurt anyone living with a permanent STD, but STD's are a dealbreaker for me. We're all entitled to our boundaries and dealbreakers, that is one of mine.

 

I suspect you're much closer to my personality type than my Aunt's, Pequeen1. I honestly don't think you'd be happy in this marriage even without the STD, refusal to address said STD by taking his meds as directed, the lies, and the "glory days" comparisons. With those things? Yeah...no.

 

I have known relationships with big age gaps to work as well. I thought I was getting something much different from what I got.

 

It sounds like we are very much alike. I am constantly on the go and taking my children to see and do new things. I enjoy nature and cultural things...concerts. I am physically active and fit...and intend to stay that way! Thats not to say I dont enjoy hanging out at home and relaxing but I tend to get antsy. Any sexually....yeah that aspect is a struggle right now.

 

I didn't think I had to consider an STI as a boundary before but its a hard line for me. I've told him that. He told me we both knew what was important (our kids) and he wasnt going anywhere, I wasnt going anywhere, no one was.

[MJJean]

You're right...and I do think about it. About what it would be like to have someone who wants to see and do the same things I do. In that regard I feel a bit duped by him.

 

Thank you for sharing your situation.

 

If it helps any, I don't think you were duped by him so much as duped by nature and the human capacity for denial. Being in my 40's and having had friends much older than me, I have noticed that a lot of people start to really slow down between 50 and 60 due to age. Most of them seen a bit surprised. I don't know why. The slow down is a natural part of aging. I think some people are just in denial. They think they'll be different. It won't happen to them. It usually does. We all hear about that 76 year old guy who skydives, sings in a bar band, loves pop culture and technology, has a large social group of all ages, and can keep a rock hard erection for an hour. That guy is a unicorn and the vast majority will be much less youthful.

 

You mentioned your H was divorced, living an active lifestyle, and working out when you met and agreed to marry. The standard advice for older men who recently divorced is to basically get a gym membership, update their hair and clothing, and get out there in search of a new mate. A lot of people specifically advise seeking out a younger mate without ever mentioning the inevitable slow down on the not distant horizon and the effects it will have on the younger partner and the fledgling marriage.

 

About the herpes? Yeah, he definitely duped you there. Not disclosing before you had sex, much less married, was a irresponsible douchebag move.

[road]

I will admit that there are successful marriages with twenty

year or larger age gap.

 

Other's must admit that the odds for a successful marriage

diminish as the age difference grows. This is why the age gap

should not exceed ten years.

 

Due to the era I grew up in ideal range is where the man is the

same age up to four years older then the woman is still the

guide to follow.

[MJJean]

I have known relationships with big age gaps to work as well. I thought I was getting something much different from what I got.

 

It sounds like we are very much alike. I am constantly on the go and taking my children to see and do new things. I enjoy nature and cultural things...concerts. I am physically active and fit...and intend to stay that way! Thats not to say I dont enjoy hanging out at home and relaxing but I tend to get antsy. Any sexually....yeah that aspect is a struggle right now.

 

I didn't think I had to consider an STI as a boundary before but its a hard line for me. I've told him that. He told me we both knew what was important (our kids) and he wasnt going anywhere, I wasnt going anywhere, no one was.

 

Yes, the kids are important. However, you are also important. The reality is that you and he can raise happy, well-adjusted, children from separate households just like millions of divorced co-parents do every day.

 

He may not think you're going anywhere, but that's not up to him. You're an adult woman in a free country who has the right to determine the course of her life. You don't need his approval or permission to file for a divorce, if that's what you want.

 

I know this may sound cheesy, but it's sincere.

 

My mom died unexpectedly at age 44. Her life was so short and she wasted a lot of it in an unhappy relationship "for the kids" because she literally couldn't afford to leave and provide for us. Thinking about it breaks my heart some 21 years after her death.

 

In the last 3 years, friends and family members have lost 3 children to cancer. My first friend gave birth to a daughter that had a brain tumor in utero. The baby only lived a few hours. My 2nd friend also gave birth to a baby who had a tumor. This one was on the brain stem and was surgically removed. Weeks later, it returned. It was an aggressive cancer and the baby died at 3 months. My last friend, who is sort of related as she is my sister's husbands niece, took her 2 year old son in for what she thought was an ear infection and it turned out to also be an aggressive cancer. She lost him less than 6 months later.

 

Why am I telling you these things? Because life is freakin short and can end at any time. Thinking about those babies really puts things into perspective for me. I have had, by the Grace of God, over 40 years here on Earth. Those babies got none of that. I feel like I owe it to their memory to live. Not just be alive, not just exist, but live.

 

None of us know how long we have. We owe it to ourselves and those that came before and are gone now to make the most of our time.

[Pequeen1]

Maybe i need to give more background here too. H has been married 4 times now. He had been divorced for several years and the working out has been a life long thing. When i told him i felt like he did everything he needed to in order to "get" me and then stopped he said i was right.

 

 

We got into it last night because our sons went to the neighbor kids house to play....I walked them over. The neighbors best friend happens to be my husbands oldest sons ex girlfriend. I always got along with her. I ended up staying for an hours chatting with the two women. We talked about everything and anything...kids, baby daddy issues (ex gf and guy she dated after my step son), siblings...lots of things, but step sons name came up in passing. When i got home my husband got nasty saying she better not have been talking about his son. I sorta flew off the handle and said that not everything is about him. He got upset and i tried to say we talked about all kinds of things but he didnt want to hear so i went in kitchen. I could hear him muttering under his breath to my brother. So when he came in kitchen i tried to tell him and explain my reaction....he ignored me and walked away. Now he wants to act like nothing happened. It is things like this that make me think trying to fix things or trying counseling would be pointless.

[Pequeen1]

Yes, the kids are important. However, you are also important. The reality is that you and he can raise happy, well-adjusted, children from separate households just like millions of divorced co-parents do every day.

 

He may not think you're going anywhere, but that's not up to him. You're an adult woman in a free country who has the right to determine the course of her life. You don't need his approval or permission to file for a divorce, if that's what you want.

 

I know this may sound cheesy, but it's sincere.

 

My mom died unexpectedly at age 44. Her life was so short and she wasted a lot of it in an unhappy relationship "for the kids" because she literally couldn't afford to leave and provide for us. Thinking about it breaks my heart some 21 years after her death.

 

In the last 3 years, friends and family members have lost 3 children to cancer. My first friend gave birth to a daughter that had a brain tumor in utero. The baby only lived a few hours. My 2nd friend also gave birth to a baby who had a tumor. This one was on the brain stem and was surgically removed. Weeks later, it returned. It was an aggressive cancer and the baby died at 3 months. My last friend, who is sort of related as she is my sister's husbands niece, took her 2 year old son in for what she thought was an ear infection and it turned out to also be an aggressive cancer. She lost him less than 6 months later.

 

Why am I telling you these things? Because life is freakin short and can end at any time. Thinking about those babies really puts things into perspective for me. I have had, by the Grace of God, over 40 years here on Earth. Those babies got none of that. I feel like I owe it to their memory to live. Not just be alive, not just exist, but live.

 

None of us know how long we have. We owe it to ourselves and those that came before and are gone now to make the most of our time.

 

 

 

Im so sorry for the losses you and your friends have had to deal with. Thats heartbreaking.

 

I think i stopped hiding how unhappy i was 3 years ago when my grandmother passed away then my brother in law and my uncle, all within 6 months. My grandmother was 84 and had lived a full and active life but it put into perspective for me that life is going to go by whether we want it to or not and its up to us to make sure to do the things that are on our bucket lists. So Ive started doing them. The hard pill to swallow is that rather than be supportive, even in just saying hey have fun or mentally supporting if not physically, i get guilt tripped or mocked.

[MJJean]

Maybe i need to give more background here too. H has been married 4 times now. He had been divorced for several years and the working out has been a life long thing. When i told him i felt like he did everything he needed to in order to "get" me and then stopped he said i was right.

 

 

We got into it last night because our sons went to the neighbor kids house to play....I walked them over. The neighbors best friend happens to be my husbands oldest sons ex girlfriend. I always got along with her. I ended up staying for an hours chatting with the two women. We talked about everything and anything...kids, baby daddy issues (ex gf and guy she dated after my step son), siblings...lots of things, but step sons name came up in passing. When i got home my husband got nasty saying she better not have been talking about his son. I sorta flew off the handle and said that not everything is about him. He got upset and i tried to say we talked about all kinds of things but he didnt want to hear so i went in kitchen. I could hear him muttering under his breath to my brother. So when he came in kitchen i tried to tell him and explain my reaction....he ignored me and walked away. Now he wants to act like nothing happened. It is things like this that make me think trying to fix things or trying counseling would be pointless.

 

The more you relate to us, the more I see why the man has been divorced 3 times. He sounds manipulative, dishonest, selfish, and immature, at best. He did everything to "get" you, but won't keep doing everything he did to keep you? WTF.

 

I have a feeling you are right and counseling won't help. He seems to have been this way for a long time as evidenced by the 3 divorces. This leopard won't be changing his spots. He is who he is. He's been divorced before. Don't worry about him. He'll land on his feet. Worry about you and your kids. Think about what is best for you and them mentally and emotionally. How do you want to spend your life? How do you want them to grow up? What kind of examples of marriage and manhood do you want them to emulate in adulthood?

 

Im so sorry for the losses you and your friends have had to deal with. Thats heartbreaking.

 

I think i stopped hiding how unhappy i was 3 years ago when my grandmother passed away then my brother in law and my uncle, all within 6 months. My grandmother was 84 and had lived a full and active life but it put into perspective for me that life is going to go by whether we want it to or not and its up to us to make sure to do the things that are on our bucket lists. So Ive started doing them. The hard pill to swallow is that rather than be supportive, even in just saying hey have fun or mentally supporting if not physically, i get guilt tripped or mocked.

 

The May-December and equal age marriages I have seen that work between people with different interests and activity levels tend to include a LOT of "Ok, Honey, have a good time." and "So, how was your <insert hobby/activity here>."

 

I think the most bitter pill to swallow for me would be experiencing life without my partner by my side. It sounds like you are expected to behave like a married woman, but do pretty much everything alone.

[Pequeen1]

That is exactly how it is.....I’m expected to do everything for everyone...except myself. At least that’s how it feels. Maybe I’m just to that point.

[Pequeen1]

The more you relate to us, the more I see why the man has been divorced 3 times. He sounds manipulative, dishonest, selfish, and immature, at best. He did everything to "get" you, but won't keep doing everything he did to keep you? WTF.

 

I have a feeling you are right and counseling won't help. He seems to have been this way for a long time as evidenced by the 3 divorces. This leopard won't be changing his spots. He is who he is.

 

 

After the other nights disagreement he’s acting like nothing happened. Typical behavior for him. Which causes resentment on my end. How do you get over that once the resentment is there?

 

I have many more things i tell about the situation. My telling him i thought we should focus on us again and being told that phase of our relationship was over, telling him i would like him to spend more time with us and being told this is the way it is. What did i want him to do walk around mall holding my hand...all as he walked away from me and said get used to it. He doesn’t remember any of this though.

[Pequeen1]

This is it.

 

And just because your H says you're not going anywhere doesn't mean you have to do what he says - heck, it's this mindset that's gotten you to this point.

 

He figures he doesn't need to make effort anymore - and that just sucks.

 

A marriage, like any relationship, takes a LOT of understanding, effort, communication and compromises.

 

Since he's not participating in a healthy way it's time to consider ending it - whether he agrees or not - YOU don't need his permission.

 

He makes effort for a bit when his boat is rocked...like now. I said something to him about doing nothing so he’s helping. We shall see for how long.

[MJJean]

After the other nights disagreement he’s acting like nothing happened. Typical behavior for him. Which causes resentment on my end. How do you get over that once the resentment is there?

 

I have many more things i tell about the situation. My telling him i thought we should focus on us again and being told that phase of our relationship was over, telling him i would like him to spend more time with us and being told this is the way it is. What did i want him to do walk around mall holding my hand...all as he walked away from me and said get used to it. He doesn’t remember any of this though.

 

I can't tell you how to get over your resentment. I can tell you that I have gotten over resentment two ways.

 

1) Absence. If I remove the resentment generator, the resentment fades and, eventually, disappears. In your case, removing the generator would be ending the marriage.

 

2) Acceptance. If the cause of the resentment is valuable to me, if there are far more pro's than con's, I will accept that the resentment generator is what it is, there's no changing it, so I might as well work with or around it.

 

I think you have a problem on multiple fronts. His age and the stage of life he is in (he's crested the hill and is on his way down while you're just starting the climb), plus the stage the relationship is in (past the honeymoon of limerence), plus his general *******-ness (some guys are just dicks), are all working against you.

 

I wonder if you're asking the wrong question. Maybe you should be asking do you even want to get over the resentment. Take the kids out of the equation because kids grow up and become independent leaving their parents with just each other. So, look at the marriage separate from the parenting. Is this the man, as he is, who you want to spend your life with?

 

As to him saying "that phase is over", he was being honest even if he doesn't remember it. His actions have matched his words there. He courted you and won you. He sees no reason to keep courting you. He doesn't feel driven to hold your hand or do the other little things you'd like him to do, so he doesn't do them unless you complain. When you do complain, he likely does what you ask to shut you up, not out of desire to do the thing itself. Some people are ok with that so long as they get the thing they want. Personally, I don't want anything my husband doesn't want to give freely on his own.

 

He makes effort for a bit when his boat is rocked...like now. I said something to him about doing nothing so he’s helping. We shall see for how long.

 

It's usually a cycle that never ends without either the relationship ending or serious intervention such as a counselor and a lot of hard work to change the habit.

 

He neglects, you complain, he does something for a minute, rinse and repeat. To stop this cycle, he'd have to admit it's a problem and be willing to work to fix it.

 

Before I say this, let me say that I firmly believe that if you say you'll do something, you have to do it or you lose credibility. So, if you take this advice, make sure you are absolutely willing to follow through.

 

If you're seriously leaning toward divorce, why not tell him that? Sit him down and explain that you WILL file the papers if he doesn't XYZ. Make a list of your dealbreakers before the conversation if you have to. Then, get into therapy. If he doesn't do the work or stops doing the work, you file.

[RecentChange]

Maybe i need to give more background here too. H has been married 4 times now.

 

Boy - this is a match up that really has all the statistical odds stacked against you.

 

NINETY THREE - 93%!! of all fourth marriages end in divorce. If someone says "I do" and promises to love and cherish FOREVER - four times over - well that shows you that those words, and their commitment, and their ability to make sound decisions on the matter are seriously lacking.

 

Then add a 27 year age gap? Boy the bookies would be paying out if a marriage like this lasted till death do us part.

 

Your odds are somewhere around 5 in a 100 for this to actually work out. Add a husband who won't communicate and isn't willing to put in the work.... Make that 99 to 1.

 

How much more of your life are you going to give to this failing endeavor?

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

What's the update on the cameras?

 

I think she and her children are away for the weekend.

[Pequeen1]

Sorry....been busy few days. Left to visit friend this morning....as expected he handed me money , I’m sure I’ll hear about how we spend too much money later.

 

Within 30-40 minutes of leaving this morning (9:20am) the camera sent me motion detection alert. I checked it but it was just him on the computer on the bed. I didn’t watch as I was driving. A bit later it alerted again and here it was pretty obvious what he had been doing ?. I watched long enough to verify my suspicions and watch him close computer, open bedroom door and leave room. His cousin is in town and had plans to meet up with him so room is dark now, unless he’s just busy downstairs.

[BetrayedH]

I gather that he took care of himself, watching some porn.

 

I’m guessing that’s not a dealbreaker for you.

[Pequeen1]

I gather that he took care of himself, watching some porn.

 

I’m guessing that’s not a dealbreaker for you.

 

You would have guessed correctly.

 

No not a deal breaker, but not something I’m excited about either. At this point since I’m not willing or dare to say even able to be with him in that way he can go to town. I guess it shows that the drive is still there, he either has no interest in me (which could also be explained by the lack of interest before the herpes discovery) or knows better than to ask me for sex.

[BetrayedH]

You would have guessed correctly.

 

No not a deal breaker, but not something I’m excited about either. At this point since I’m not willing or dare to say even able to be with him in that way he can go to town. I guess it shows that the drive is still there, he either has no interest in me (which could also be explained by the lack of interest before the herpes discovery) or knows better than to ask me for sex.

 

I think this is just one more confirmation that, as others have posited, he’s not going to change for anyone. If it were me and my sexual relationship with my wife was on the line, I’d be lining the damn pills up on the counter so she could see I’m taking them every day. But if he’s been divorced 3 times prior, I’m guessing he’s not changing for anyone at this point (not even to have sex with his wife). He’s not afraid of divorce.

 

It may not be a dealbreaker on its own, but I’d suspect that this should be one more factor in your decision-making. He’s making it clear that you take him or leave him, as-is. And his actions back up his words.

 

At this point I’m definitely leaning towards the opinion that you may not need much more proof of anything. He’s handed you what would be an unacceptable situation in my mind, with positive proof that it ain’t gonna change. You are still young; you could have an entire second life after him.

[BaileyB]

If it were me and my sexual relationship with my wife was on the line, I’d be lining the damn pills up on the counter so she could see I’m taking them every day. But if he’s been divorced 3 times prior, I’m guessing he’s not changing for anyone at this point (not even to have sex with his wife). He’s not afraid of divorce.

 

At this point I’m definitely leaning towards the opinion that you may not need much more proof of anything. You are still young; you could have an entire second life after him.

 

Absolutely. It it was me, I would be doing exactly what was required to change the situation. So far, he has shown you with his actions that he is perfectly fine with the status quo.

 

The day that I have to plant a camera in my bedroom to monitor my husband's actions is the day that I know for sure that my marriage is dead.