Found hairs that aren't mine.

[MJJean]

Because it was by reservation only and they’ve hit limit.....I didn’t ask originally as he’d have to leave School to go. I leave School several times a year to go to functions for my kids like holiday shows and awards assemblies....he’s gone to one. I go so far as to take days off work if I can’t get class coverage...his coworkers have offered to cover his classes so he could go and he told them it was too much trouble. I know this because he told me. He would message me after the programs (the same ones he’d ask me what time they were and act like he was going) and ask for pictures and tell me he’s terrible Dad. I’ve just gotten to the point I’m tired of asking if he will be there....if it were important to him he’d make effort. I do.

 

I guess that makes me sound like a witch

 

You aren't a witch. He normally doesn't show. This holiday event is full, which means a lot of parents wanted to go. It would have been a douche move to reserve a seat for someone who wouldn't likely attend.

[BaileyB]

You aren't a witch. He normally doesn't show. This holiday event is full, which means a lot of parents wanted to go. It would have been a douche move to reserve a seat for someone who wouldn't likely attend.

 

To be fair, it's a little passive aggressive...

 

I understand that he usually doesn't attend, but to assume that he will not attend and make a reservation for one without even asking... Well, either you are in this marriage or you are not. How is this in the best interest of your son?

Edited November 15, 2017 by BaileyB

[road]

You aren't a witch. He normally doesn't show. This holiday event is full, which means a lot of parents wanted to go. It would have been a douche move to reserve a seat for someone who wouldn't likely attend.

 

No, it was a douche move being passive aggressive by not

asking her husband.

 

She should of taken the high road and asked him, then if he

did not answer then the fault is on the husband that there is

no seat for him.

 

If OP wants out then stop playing games and file. If she is waiting

for proof first then act as she always has. Because in the end

proof or not it appears the husband is not going to change.

So she will be filing.

[Pequeen1]

I get it. I'm the same way. But, it can sometimes become an excuse for why you're not taking action, and I'm speaking about myself as much as I'm speaking about you.

 

Yes, you’re probably right.

[Pequeen1]

To be fair, it's a little passive aggressive...

 

I understand that he usually doesn't attend, but to assume that he will not attend and make a reservation for one without even asking... Well, either you are in this marriage or you are not. How is this in the best interest of your son?

 

I get what you’re saying about being in it or not. And you have a point however I’ve already stated that there’s a lot of factors in this situation...this is just part of it. I’m still trying to work through several things, trying to decide if I can live with them. Saying I’m all in to me would imply I’m ok with things, that I think I can get past them and that’s not reality. I’m cautiously optimistic at times but I’m also aware I’m disappointed often. Which brings into play my passive aggressive behavior. I didn’t not ask him to be malicious....that’s how I’ve been trained to think. I saw the look of disappointment on my kids face at previous things. My son asked me to go, he could have asked his dad....he knows better. He’s stopped asking him. So yes I made I mistake...I’ve apologized to him for it. I can’t help but feel that it’s unfair on some level for him to be upset when we think this way based on his past behavior.

[BaileyB]

I get what you’re saying about being in it or not. And you have a point however I’ve already stated that there’s a lot of factors in this situation...this is just part of it. I’m still trying to work through several things, trying to decide if I can live with them. Saying I’m all in to me would imply I’m ok with things, that I think I can get past them and that’s not reality. I’m cautiously optimistic at times but I’m also aware I’m disappointed often. Which brings into play my passive aggressive behavior. I didn’t not ask him to be malicious....that’s how I’ve been trained to think. I saw the look of disappointment on my kids face at previous things. My son asked me to go, he could have asked his dad....he knows better. He’s stopped asking him. So yes I made I mistake...I’ve apologized to him for it. I can’t help but feel that it’s unfair on some level for him to be upset when we think this way based on his past behavior.

 

I understand. It's very complicated. It's entirely possible that your husband would not have shown up at the event, which would have disappointed your son. There are no easy answers. And, you are experiencing significant internal conflict as you consider this decision. I get it.

[Pequeen1]

I understand. It's very complicated. It's entirely possible that your husband would not have shown up at the event, which would have disappointed your son. There are no easy answers. And, you are experiencing significant internal conflict as you consider this decision. I get it.

 

Yes, yes I am! It helps to have that acknowledged though so thank you.

 

 

I would like to mention that my apology was ignored....I did message him to say it as we were both at work. But we had a conversation about our holiday plans following that this morning. I was told that I hadn’t consulted him about visiting his family even though we’ve had MULTIPLE conversations about our agenda while visiting family and I’ve asked for input. Kinda feel like I can’t win

[S2B]

Yes, yes I am! It helps to have that acknowledged though so thank you.

 

 

I would like to mention that my apology was ignored....I did message him to say it as we were both at work. But we had a conversation about our holiday plans following that this morning. I was told that I hadn’t consulted him about visiting his family even though we’ve had MULTIPLE conversations about our agenda while visiting family and I’ve asked for input. Kinda feel like I can’t win

 

The perfect opportunity to inform him that you two need marriage counseling since he doesn't hear you when you've had multiple talks about the same subject.

 

Even IF you have a voice - he makes you feel invisible.

[BetrayedH]

I was also very concerned about how my former spouse (and her family, quite frankly) would influence my kids in my absence. We have 50/50.

 

What I found is that my kids have the same 50% exposure to each parent whether married or not. She has her time with the kids and I have mine. They certainly see differences in our approach. And they make their own discernments about which is better. Right now my son has quietly expressed a preference for being with me. But he’s chosen to keep to 50/50 because he doesn’t want to create a situation for his younger sister feeling compelled to make such decisions. I have a lot of respect for how thoughtful and conscientious this young man is.

 

He got that from his father. My influence has not been diminished even though I am not always personally there. He sees that there is another alternative to how his mother and family approach things. He is perfectly well able to make such a discernment.

 

Had I stayed, he would have only seen a poor dynamic and one that was becoming more toxic over time. By leaving, I’ve been able to show him another route.

 

It’s not something I expected to occur. I had the same concerns as you, especially since my wife and her family are more financially secure and could easily spoil my kids while I am still somewhat living paycheck to paycheck. I assumed they would prefer the materialistic environment at their Mom’s.

 

For what it’s worth, I think I’ve actually had more influence in this scenario rather than being a part of the other poor dynamic.

 

Mind you, this has occurred without me saying a negative word about their mother.

Edited November 16, 2017 by BetrayedH

[BaileyB]

I was also very concerned about how my former spouse (and her family, quite frankly) would influence my kids in my absence. We have 50/50.

 

What I found is that my kids have the same 50% exposure to each parent whether married or not. She has her time with the kids and I have mine. They certainly see differences in our approach. And they make their own discernments about which is better. Right now my son has quietly expressed a preference for being with me. But he’s chosen to keep to 50/50 because he doesn’t want to create a situation for his younger sister feeling compelled to make such decisions. I have a lot of respect for how thoughtful and conscientious this young man is.

 

He got that from his father. My influence has not been diminished even though I am not always personally there. He sees that there is another alternative to how his mother and family approach things. He is perfectly well able to make such a discernment.

 

Had I stayed, he would have only seen a poor dynamic and one that was becoming more toxic over time. By leaving, I’ve been able to show him another route.

 

It’s not something I expected to occur. I had the same concerns as you, especially since my wife and her family are more financially secure and could easily spoil my kids while I am still somewhat living paycheck to paycheck. I assumed they would prefer the materialistic environment at their Mom’s.

 

For what it’s worth, I think I’ve actually had more influence in this scenario rather than being a part of the other poor dynamic.

 

Mind you, this has occurred without me saying a negative word about their mother.

 

Very well said. This has also been our experience.

[Pequeen1]

I was also very concerned about how my former spouse (and her family, quite frankly) would influence my kids in my absence. We have 50/50.

 

What I found is that my kids have the same 50% exposure to each parent whether married or not. She has her time with the kids and I have mine. They certainly see differences in our approach. And they make their own discernments about which is better. Right now my son has quietly expressed a preference for being with me. But he’s chosen to keep to 50/50 because he doesn’t want to create a situation for his younger sister feeling compelled to make such decisions. I have a lot of respect for how thoughtful and conscientious this young man is.

 

He got that from his father. My influence has not been diminished even though I am not always personally there. He sees that there is another alternative to how his mother and family approach things. He is perfectly well able to make such a discernment.

 

Had I stayed, he would have only seen a poor dynamic and one that was becoming more toxic over time. By leaving, I’ve been able to show him another route.

 

It’s not something I expected to occur. I had the same concerns as you, especially since my wife and her family are more financially secure and could easily spoil my kids while I am still somewhat living paycheck to paycheck. I assumed they would prefer the materialistic environment at their Mom’s.

 

For what it’s worth, I think I’ve actually had more influence in this scenario rather than being a part of the other poor dynamic.

 

Mind you, this has occurred without me saying a negative word about their mother.

 

Thank you for this....thank you for this hope and for sharing.

[Pequeen1]

The perfect opportunity to inform him that you two need marriage counseling since he doesn't hear you when you've had multiple talks about the same subject.

 

Even IF you have a voice - he makes you feel invisible.

 

Went out of my way to make sure he was aware of upcoming events for the boys (in writing and in person) and tried to discuss with him the agenda for our trip involving his family. He still had little input, but I’ve put the information out there and I’ve tried to bridge the gap.

[S2B]

Went out of my way to make sure he was aware of upcoming events for the boys (in writing and in person) and tried to discuss with him the agenda for our trip involving his family. He still had little input, but I’ve put the information out there and I’ve tried to bridge the gap.

 

Have you scheduled the counseling appointment yet?

 

You two need help with effective communication.

 

Evidence shows it doesn't work the way you're approaching him.

 

There's got to be a better solution and most counselors have a bag of tricks to suggest effective strategies that suit both of your styles.

 

The one other thing that comes to mind is wondering if he may be autistic - is that a possibility or is he just ignoring you on purpose?

[Pequeen1]

Have you scheduled the counseling appointment yet?

 

You two need help with effective communication.

 

Evidence shows it doesn't work the way you're approaching him.

 

There's got to be a better solution and most counselors have a bag of tricks to suggest effective strategies that suit both of your styles.

 

The one other thing that comes to mind is wondering if he may be autistic - is that a possibility or is he just ignoring you on purpose?

 

No I haven’t.

 

We never had a problem communicating until last couple years...around the same time he stopped being I interested in anything wanted to do or talk about. I try to go out of my way to word things in a way that does not come off as pushy and use I statements when sharing my feelings. He’s not on the spectrum he just doesn’t listen. I’ve had multiple conversations with him and put in writing our obligations for this trip we’re on....last night he asked me if dinner was still canceled tomorrow with the rest of my family since we’re going to early dinner at my dads....at no time did I mention anything about dinner being canceled....I told him that we were going to my dads first then to my aunts. And I’ve tried to discuss multiple times with him about visiting his family and he just walks away.

[BetrayedH]

No I haven’t.

 

We never had a problem communicating until last couple years...around the same time he stopped being I interested in anything wanted to do or talk about. I try to go out of my way to word things in a way that does not come off as pushy and use I statements when sharing my feelings. He’s not on the spectrum he just doesn’t listen. I’ve had multiple conversations with him and put in writing our obligations for this trip we’re on....last night he asked me if dinner was still canceled tomorrow with the rest of my family since we’re going to early dinner at my dads....at no time did I mention anything about dinner being canceled....I told him that we were going to my dads first then to my aunts. And I’ve tried to discuss multiple times with him about visiting his family and he just walks away.

 

He’s told you that this is how it’s going to be. This is one of those rare situations where his words line up with his actions. He’s even admitted that he sold you on a bag of goods he doesn’t intend to deliver.

 

The question is whether or not this is something you can continue to tolerate. And even if you can, is that still the right course of action?

[elaine567]

No I haven’t.

We never had a problem communicating until last couple years...around the same time he stopped being I interested in anything wanted to do or talk about. I try to go out of my way to word things in a way that does not come off as pushy and use I statements when sharing my feelings. He’s not on the spectrum he just doesn’t listen. I’ve had multiple conversations with him and put in writing our obligations for this trip we’re on....last night he asked me if dinner was still canceled tomorrow with the rest of my family since we’re going to early dinner at my dads....at no time did I mention anything about dinner being canceled....I told him that we were going to my dads first then to my aunts. And I’ve tried to discuss multiple times with him about visiting his family and he just walks away.

 

I know he is only 60 but is it possible he has the early signs of dementia?

[S2B]

He needs a full medical check up.

 

And schedule that counseling appt! If you're saying the communication has disintegrated that much in the past few years you need to get to the bottom of what's causing it - and some suggestions/solutions to help fix it... and to see if he even wants to try and improve the communication.

[Pequeen1]

I know he is only 60 but is it possible he has the early signs of dementia?

 

I suppose anything is possible

[Pequeen1]

He needs a full medical check up.

 

And schedule that counseling appt! If you're saying the communication has disintegrated that much in the past few years you need to get to the bottom of what's causing it - and some suggestions/solutions to help fix it... and to see if he even wants to try and improve the communication.

 

He’s had one the last two years. He was just talking to my aunt who is an RN last night making light of not having had colonoscopy at his age. He said it’s inconvenient because they don’t do the test in office....I highly doubt he’s going to go get another check up if I ask him. He was at doctor in August for physical.

[Jdoublenn]

Hi there. Just caught up on all the posts and im curious if you've caught anything on the cameras yet?? Subbing for more updates.

[Pequeen1]

Hi there. Just caught up on all the posts and im curious if you've caught anything on the cameras yet?? Subbing for more updates.

 

I haven’t. I haven’t found any more hairs either. He also has not really had time alone and also knows I think he’s messed around. Who knows.