Getting Rejected Sucks

[CptInsano]

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Much of the pain from “rejection” comes creating false expectations about a person you were never going to be with. You do it to yourself. Stop creating false expectations and being hurt and disappointed when they don’t come true.

 

I wouldn't even say that these expectations are false, they can be quite modest, they are often just premature. You are not approaching your future girlfriend, but a more or less random person you know next to nothing about.

 

That's why I didn't mind rejections along the lines of: "Sorry, not really interested, but Kate over here might be."

 

You're right, one shouldn't take these initial encounters too seriously.

[thefooloftheyear]

Don't want rejection? No problem....Let them come to you...

 

 

TFY

[SammySammy]

Don't want rejection? No problem....Let them come to you...

 

 

TFY

 

Or don’t ask out people who aren’t interested in you.

 

How do you determine that? Talk to them. If they don’t show interest, move on.

 

Never have to worry about being rejected. People put the cart before the horse and then complain it doesn’t work.

[Miss Spider]

I believe 100% what that guy says. That guy preaches so much truth. No, recentchange, I don't just listen to anyone who types up something online, but when they make a sound argument backed by reason, I listen.

 

 

Guys may contact you online because it's low-risk and takes 2 seconds. He's casting out a wide net, at least 10 girls a day he's on on avg(that's low ball number).But in real life, , a single man may make eye contact with you or oogle you, whisper to his friends etc, but unless he overcomes his 'fear'(insofar it exists) or puts in the effort to come over and ask you out , he isn't into you enough. He's approached other women. He is aware men do the initial contact. You got rejected. Women get rejected all the time this way.

 

 

Plenty of women get the men they want to approach and ask out all the time. It's even happened to me in a blue moon. Shy,, attractive men have overcome those hurdles. ... So all it tells me is I need to work on myself. Blaming the system does nothing for men or women even if it's easier to do than working on yourself to make yourself more quality to attract quality ...the system works fine

Edited November 1, 2017 by Cookiesandough

[CptInsano]

Guys may contact you online because it's low-risk and takes 2 seconds. He's casting out a wide net, at least 10 girls a day he's on on avg(that's low ball number).But in real life, , a single man may make eye contact with you or oogle you, whisper to his friends etc, but unless he overcomes his 'fear'(insofar it exists) or puts in the effort to come over and ask you out , he isn't into you enough. He's approached other women. He is aware men do the initial contact. You got rejected. Women get rejected all the time this way.

 

Sorry, I'm not getting this. How can a guy be into you if he doesn't know you? Chances are that you'll look similar to 5 other women he has run into during the course of his day, and he really hasn't formed much of an opinion about you.

 

The impulse to talk to you in particular is likely based on circumstance, timing, his mood, your mood, or simply because somebody introduced you.

[Miss Spider]

There are some men who only become interested in a woman because they 'know' her, but those guys are few and far between to not even be significant. I'm not counting guys who are mute either.

 

 

But most men are drawn in by initial attraction. It's not just looks(though that's a huge chunk of it) but vibe/ 'energy' as RC put it.

 

Yes if he can stop browsing and stare at you for long time at the grocery store, he clearly can up and ask you if you want get a coffee. He's got the time. He just is not interested enough to. . You're rejected.

[RecentChange]

Sure.... Work on yourself, if you think you have so much that needs improving that you will get passed up by decent, compatible men (personally I have never had this problem). Curious, is this "improvement" all physical, or does it include working on social skills?

 

And if someone is internalizing it as "rejection" everytime they get checked out - but not approached. I don't think that is rational at all.

 

Keep following the advice of these gurus and see how it works for you.

 

So far I see many stories of failure following this type of advice.

[RecentChange]

Yes if he can stop browsing and stare at you for long time at the grocery store, he clearly can up and ask you if you want get a coffee. He's got the time. He just is not interested enough to. . You're rejected.

 

Oh wow... so any time a guy checks you out, and then doesn't try to come hit on you, that means you are "rejected"? As in not good enough?

 

This is SUCH an unhealthy way to think -I just can't even begin to imagine what it is like to navigate the world with this thought process running through your head.

 

Have you considered the other reasons why they may not approach?

 

Like perhaps they aren't looking to date?

 

Perhaps they aren't single?

Perhaps they don't ask girls out at the grocery store?

Perhaps they are shy?

Perhaps you look like someone they know thats why they did a double take? (I do this often)

Perhaps they liked your sweater and weren't sizing you up for GF material?

Maybe they like your hair cut and their wife has been thinking about doing something similar?

Maybe they thought you were cute so they just looked? (I do this all the time).

 

Should I go on? I could come up with a million reasons why you wouldn't be approached that have nothing to do with "rejecting you".

[Shining One]

Rejection is the refusal of a proposal of some kind. I propose nothing by looking at another person.

[Miss Spider]

RC, like I said it's happened to me before so I know shy, attractive men are capable of it. It's easier on the ego to say only creepers/rude men do it. Or that they're scared lol or busy. Yes, guys will crane their neck to stare at you when you're behind them. They'll look at you for hours at a bar and follow you about. Doesn't mean jack until they make a move

 

People can tell themselves whatever if it makes them comfortable. I just feel like facing reality is more likely to garner the results I want.

 

Why is rejection 'unhealthy'? It's not. Not everyone is gonna want ya. It's a normal part of life and actually a really a good push towards improvement.

[Miss Spider]

Rejection is the refusal of a proposal of some kind. I propose nothing by looking at another person.

 

You're dismissing the idea of a romantic relationship with a person if you let them go without getting their contact info. You're rejecting it/ them.

 

Rejections only unhealthy if you adopt an unhealthy mindset towards it

Edited November 1, 2017 by Cookiesandough

[RecentChange]

It's unhealthy that you perceive normal social interactions as personal rejections.

 

Have you ever talked to a counselor or other professional about this theory? To me it sounds like anxiety talking.

 

It's an extremely self-centered train of thought, a damaging one at that.

 

If that's the case, I suppose I reject dozens of men a week. Nevermind I am married - but if I checked someone out, and didn't approach them, that means they aren't in good enough, and have to face the reality that they have been rejected - do I have that right?

 

So if a married guy checks you out - it means that you aren't good enough for him to drop his life for and hit in you, so he rejected you. Do I have that right?

[CptInsano]

It's unhealthy that you perceive normal social interactions as personal rejections.

 

Have you ever talked to a counselor or other professional about this theory? To me it sounds like anxiety talking. [...]

 

It's what I would consider a correspondence bias or fundamental attribution error. Actions by others that are largely situational are suddenly attributed to that person's romantic interest.

[Shining One]

You're dismissing the idea of a romantic relationship with a person if you let them go without getting their contact info. You're rejecting it/ them.

No, I'm not. I may ask them out at another time. If they approach me, I may say yes. There is no rejection until someone makes a proposal and that proposal is turned down.

[Miss Spider]

It's unhealthy that you perceive normal social interactions as personal rejections.

 

Have you ever talked to a counselor or other professional about this theory? To me it sounds like anxiety talking.

 

It's an extremely self-centered train of thought, a damaging one at that.

 

If that's the case, I suppose I reject dozens of men a week. Nevermind I am married - but if I checked someone out, and didn't approach them, that means they aren't in good enough, and have to face the reality that they have been rejected - do I have that right?

 

So if a married guy checks you out - it means that you aren't good enough for him to drop his life for and hit in you, so he rejected you. Do I have that right?

That is correct. People reject for several reasons, and being married is one. But of all the men the men a particular woman encounters daily, they can't all be married. . Some must be single and looking. And they're obviously not looking for her...

 

I believe you you rejected/ were rejected by dozens of men this week. What is so bad about that? You ideally only need to be accepted by one...maybe 5, maybe 20, or 200 out of the billions of people on this planet. Looks like you have yours so it's NBD. It's not unhealthy ... not the most fun thing... kinda sucks. But I wouldn't go as far to say the acknowledgement of this is unhealthy.

 

What is the alternative? Saying " the cute guys rarely ask me out so they must just be too afraid I'll press charges" That may assauge your ego, but nothing will really change. It's like a guy getting rejected by girls and just resigning to be alone instead of working on ways to increase his attractiveness/approachability

[Miss Spider]

No, I'm not. I may ask them out at another time. If they approach me, I may say yes. There is no rejection until someone makes a proposal and that proposal is turned down.

 

 

Rejection(n): the dismissing or refusing of a proposal, idea, etc.

 

 

By looking at a woman you are not proposing anything that she is rejecting, but by letting a woman go without asking her out you are rejecting her...

 

Most men know the woman is unlikely to ask him out on a date

 

This is a form of rejection women must face. Women get rejected too

 

I'll drop this now. I respect your opinion

Edited November 1, 2017 by Cookiesandough

[CptInsano]

By looking at a woman you are not proposing anything that she is rejecting, but by letting a woman go without asking her out you are rejecting her...

 

So you're saying that by her existence alone a woman is offering something that he may reject, regardless of her intentions?

[Steve51]

I started out my career in sales selling life insurance door to door and by phone. Rejection sucked. Then a more experienced salesman than me showed me something. He had me count the number of times I was rejected and the number of times I sold a policy. From that info I was able to see how many rejections it too before I made a sale.

 

I carried that over to my love life and saw each rejection as putting me closer to an acceptance. Different viewpoint of the same problem. Also helps if you have self confidence and think well of yourself. When rejected I would tell myself that it was her loss not mine.

 

One more thing to do is not go after girls you like but rather those that you like and show an interest in you. Angelia Jolie will not let me near her despite me liking her. However, Sally across the street smiles at me all the time. Which one should I pursue? Honestly, I got very few rejections because I only approached women I found attractive that gave me a sign that they were also interested in me and I do not mean being friendly. I mean by smiling at me at a club or bar where we are all there to meet people of the opposite sex. I mean by them touching my arm while talking to me, flipping their hair, licking their lips, dilated pupils and other signs of arousal and interest. I reference this to sales again as one being a cold call and the other selling to someone who expressed interest. Little success with call calls but good results selling to interested buyers.

 

When all seemed doom and gloom, just think about your ugliest grossest friend or acquaintance that has a girlfriend and say if he, why not me?

[RecentChange]

I believe you you rejected/ were rejected by dozens of men this week. What is so bad about that?

 

You are not correct, I am not rejecting anyone. And what is bad about it? Its a flawed theory that causes you to incorrectly interpret the unspoken language of others.

 

Reject

verb

1. dismiss as inadequate, inappropriate, or not to one's taste.

"union negotiators rejected a 1.5 percent pay increase"

 

By looking at someone, and not asking them out I am not "rejecting" them.

 

What a bizarre way to think. I personally find it fundamentally flawed. I have studied human interaction. I have a degree in sociology. For giggles I took many classes in psyc, and specialized sociology classes in language and social interaction, body and society, gender and sexuality...

 

And this "theory" about rejection as it pertains to the types of social interactions that you have laid out was never proposed. I do not think it would stand up scientific scrutiny.

 

I think its hog wash personally, and I do not think it will help improve your dating problems in any way - but rather contribute to your misunderstandings.

[thefooloftheyear]

 

 

If that's the case, I suppose I reject dozens of men a week. Nevermind I am married - but if I checked someone out, and didn't approach them, that means they aren't in good enough, and have to face the reality that they have been rejected - do I have that right?

 

So if a married guy checks you out - it means that you aren't good enough for him to drop his life for and hit in you, so he rejected you. Do I have that right?

 

I know....I tried to do the calculations based on my age and my appreciation of the beauty of attractive women...

 

I figure it's around 165,000 rejections and counting....:laugh:

 

TFY

[Miss Spider]

So you're saying that by her existence alone a woman is offering something that he may reject, regardless of her intentions?

 

Yes. It's about your intentions and potentiality. She is there, so she is proposing to be approached... if we want to be very literal about it.

 

RC, I respect your scope of knowledge but it doesn't seem like this is a disagreement on sociological theory as much as linguistics. The issue here appears to be with me using the word 'rejection' outside of explicit offers( "will you go out with me?" )and extending to that which occurs in one's head. I don't see an issue with it.

 

I think it is beneficial...like if youre mostly being approached by weirdos who are making sexual propositions to you. Also if you're not approachable. Too many road blocks can make a guy who is kind of interested throw up his hands.

 

In the blog I mentioned, the guy suggests 3 prongs to female attractiveness

1. Looks

2. Approachability( location, body language etc)

3. Personality

 

These are highly controllable for most ppl

Edited November 1, 2017 by Cookiesandough

[Kamille]

Oh my god. What the heck is this conversation? Most people meet their SO -and even their next fling - one of two ways nowadays: though OLD or through their networks. The bar scene comes a distant third. Most people do not count on everyday grocery store type cold approaches to meet their partner. Simply put, that is just not how it's done.

 

 

So to think that every stranger you cross path with is rejecting you by virtue of not approaching you? Two things: 1. Please don't use that barometer to gage your level of attractiveness. It isn't one. I can only hope that those who hold this view are not letting it affect their self-esteem. 2. Please don't rely on cold approaches to meet your partner. That is just not how it happens for the majority of people. Be smart about dating and invest where the most rewards are gotten: Networks, OLD and - if you like cold approaches - bars and club.

Edited November 1, 2017 by Kamille

[SammySammy]

I think a lot of pick-up artists have psychological issues. Particularly the ones we consider most “successful”. The reason they are so successful is they overcompensated for what they were lacking more than others. When you look at Mystery, Gunwitch, Julien Blanc, Tyler Durden, Neil Strauss, and others there’s always an obvious inner demon that they didn’t fix but just covered up and masked. And, to me, they all seem to be rooted in some sort of insecurity.

 

One of the key principles of early pick-up artistry was “inner game”. Basically faking it until you make it. Acting confident. Acting cool. Acting indifferent. The problem is that’s quite different from BEING confident, cool, and indifferent.

 

I think the most effective “game” is being honest with yourself, recognizing and addressing your real issues, then entering others lives as a whole person.

 

Fix your issues then you won’t have to worry about cracks in the facade and the real you showing through.

[CptInsano]

Yes. It's about your intentions and potentiality. She is there, so she is proposing to be approached... if we want to be very literal about it.

 

So, a woman has no control over that proposition, it is inherent to her being. In turn, as a man I'm just blind if I don't see that proposition, because if she didn't make that proposition she could just as easily choose not to be rejected.

[Miss Spider]

sorry xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Edited November 2, 2017 by Cookiesandough
sorry