Affair...it's killing me.

[Sarahhurts]

I'm having an affair with a MM (with a family) that I met at work. I'm also married to a wonderful man who would move mountains for me and we have three beautiful children.

 

I don't know why I fell into it. I expect to be judged by so many people on here and I'll take what I deserve.

 

I guess I wanted to sample a little taste of the excitement and thrill to make a temporary escape from the reality and complacency that parenthood and long term marriage can sometimes bring.

 

I got hooked though and I don't know how to get out. We fell in love. The emotional connection is overpowering, controlling.

 

I wánt to focus on my husband and family and I want to be back where I belong. But I can't seem to beat the obsession, the sadness, the sinking depression.

 

We tried NC but we always end up back in an EA under the guise of friendship.

 

NC is so hard for me that I end up physically ill and it's impossible to hide my distress from my husband. I end up making excuses of depression or flu or whatever I can find to

 

My husband is so supportive and wants me to be happy. He tries so hard but I can tell he doesn't quite know why I'm like this. I blame my health, my job, my depression, family politics.

 

I cannot tell my husband. It would kill him and it would most certainly break up our family. Yes, he deserves to know and deserves to make his own choices but I think here about our children too.

 

I want to succeed at NC but I don't know how to hide the distress that it will bring from him while I battle the withdrawal.

 

In order to get away from MM I left my job and started a new one on lesser pay, one that I hate. It took about two weeks before we picked it up again. We message daily, see each other about once a week as friends in a restaurant and every few months our paths cross on business trips and we have a PA.

 

I live from contact to contact... everything I read on here resonates with me.

 

He seems to do a far better job of switching on and off. He loves his family and is happily married.

 

I'm sinking into the dark depths of depression and I can do with a supportive group around me. I cannot do this alone.... please help me.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I'm having an affair with a MM (with a family) that I met at work. I'm also married to a wonderful man who would move mountains for me and we have three beautiful children.

 

I don't know why I fell into it. I expect to be judged by so many people on here and I'll take what I deserve.

 

I guess I wanted to sample a little taste of the excitement and thrill to make a temporary escape from the reality and complacency that parenthood and long term marriage can sometimes bring.

 

I got hooked though and I don't know how to get out. We fell in love. The emotional connection is overpowering, controlling.

 

I wánt to focus on my husband and family and I want to be back where I belong. But I can't seem to beat the obsession, the sadness, the sinking depression.

 

We tried NC but we always end up back in an EA under the guise of friendship.

 

NC is so hard for me that I end up physically ill and it's impossible to hide my distress from my husband. I end up making excuses of depression or flu or whatever I can find to

 

My husband is so supportive and wants me to be happy. He tries so hard but I can tell he doesn't quite know why I'm like this. I blame my health, my job, my depression, family politics.

 

I cannot tell my husband. It would kill him and it would most certainly break up our family. Yes, he deserves to know and deserves to make his own choices but I think here about our children too.

 

I want to succeed at NC but I don't know how to hide the distress that it will bring from him while I battle the withdrawal.

 

In order to get away from MM I left my job and started a new one on lesser pay, one that I hate. It took about two weeks before we picked it up again. We message daily, see each other about once a week as friends in a restaurant and every few months our paths cross on business trips and we have a PA.

 

I live from contact to contact... everything I read on here resonates with me.

 

He seems to do a far better job of switching on and off. He loves his family and is happily married.

 

I'm sinking into the dark depths of depression and I can do with a supportive group around me. I cannot do this alone.... please help me.

 

It sounds like you've done enough reading to know your relationship is no special flower. It's 100% typical of affairs and you two do not have some unique special love of a lifetime.

 

There's only one way to end this and get your life back, and it sounds like you genuinely want your life back. No contact. It's that simple. Delete his contact information. Block his number. Tell him you have to do this, and have the self respect to stick to it.

 

Good luck.

[Origin]

Sounds like you're in limerence. You need to block, your husband will catch on eventually. Keep posting here and do everything you can to stay away.

[BaileyB]

Reading your story made me very sad. You know what you need to do, yet you are clearly struggling to end this relationship. Because of the decisions that you have made, the security and happiness of your husband and three children hang in the balance... And that, is very sad because they didn't chose this and they don't deserve this.

 

There are only two things to do - no contact and counselling.

 

I wish you strength.

Edited October 28, 2017 by BaileyB

[jah526]

He seems to do a far better job of switching on and off.

 

Yes, I believe men are able to do this much better than we can. I think their brains are wired to compartmentalize where ours are not.

 

I'm sorry you're in so much pain. If this man truly cares about you, he will understand that you need to let him go, and he will help you by going NC with you. Maybe you can take some solace in that thought - that he cares enough about you to help you do what's best for yourself.

 

If he keeps coming back, well then you know he's just the typical MM out for his own satisfaction, and he doesn't really care who it hurts.

[aliveagain]

I guess you and your husband have different opinions on what marriage means. Once you've stepped over that line you own it for the rest of your life because you can't undo what you have done. You will have to tell your husband one day because he is the only one that can forgive you if that matters to you. The longer you carry this on the worse it will be for everyone that loves you. If your husband is like many men, infidelity is a deal breaker.

 

Only you can decide if that taste of excitement was worth the cost to you, your husband and the futures of your innocent children. I just don't understand why intelligent people will risk so much for something that means so little yet affects everyone that is important in their life. You selfishness has changed the paths of everyone around you. You will remember this for the rest of your life. You have to make a decision, who is more important in your life, your affair partner or your husband and children. The bigger the secret you hide the greater it shines, you will be discovered, just look at the thousands of members registered on this site. The chances of saving your marriage are much better if you confess. As a betrayed spouse I can tell you that infidelity is the greatest form of disrespect you can show your husband. Nothing will ever be the same even if you don't get caught.

[Vivir]

I guess I wanted to sample a little taste of the excitement and thrill to make a temporary escape from the reality and complacency that parenthood and long term marriage can sometimes bring.

 

I got hooked though and I don't know how to get out. We fell in love. The emotional connection is overpowering, controlling.

 

I wánt to focus on my husband and family and I want to be back where I belong. But I can't seem to beat the obsession, the sadness, the sinking depression.

 

I cannot tell my husband. It would kill him and it would most certainly break up our family. Yes, he deserves to know and deserves to make his own choices but I think here about our children too.

 

I want to succeed at NC but I don't know how to hide the distress that it will bring from him while I battle the withdrawal.

 

In order to get away from MM I left my job and started a new one on lesser pay, one that I hate. It took about two weeks before we picked it up again.

 

Hello Sarahhurts, and welcome

 

I am sorry you are in so much pain.

 

The items quoted from your post above jumped out at me.

 

Your actions have not matched your words.

 

And like so many of us here, you know what you need to do, but since it is hard, you get so far and then you turn back. You actually left your job, for instance, and not even two weeks later, you were back in it with the married man, who is getting everything he needs - he is totally fulfilled - from two women. I am willing to bet that as you sink into despair, he has a lighter step and is actually quite happy...

 

You wanted a temporary escape and a little taste of the excitement. Unfortunately, that also comes with the price tag of what you are now experiencing. Interestingly enough, you probably could have accomplished a shake-up by telling your husband you either found another man attractive or were considering an affair.

 

But that is water now under the bridge.

 

What should you do?

You are not so weak that you must bend to the whims of your emotions. It's hard. You are and will continue to experience sinking depression, sadness... but the obsession will lessen as you step into the reality of what you are doing and have done and put an end to your affair. It is draining you. And you are actively lying to yourself, your husband, and your children.

 

I would consider reading in the Infidelity forum in addition to this one. Check out posts by (and this is off the top of my head) deadsoul, jenkins95, and Overtaxed as a start - there are more members who have found themselves in your position (and/or in the position of your betrayed husband), of course. Read all their stories and how they all panned out and what they did to stop the madness and then recover... As you find and read their posts, you will discover many others. It is all eye opening.

 

You need a dose of reality, and you say you cannot tell your husband because you must think of the children. The fact of the matter is, as a married person, you cannot afford to live out a fantasy with an external person without the possibility of blowing up everything you've built at home... you must always be aware of threats to your marriage - even if you are the threat. And you must always be vigilant in protecting from these threats... a rule of thumb here is to act in this way: if it cannot be said or done in front of your husband, then don't do it. End of.

 

Some will advise you to clue in your husband, and that will provide the most powerful dose of reality to you - and to him. I cannot advise you to do this. I am unmarried, and I have no children. But I can say, the truth shall set you free.

 

Wishing you courage and peace as you travel this road. Keep posting, and please read, read, read... you are bound to obtain some clarity by reading these threads.

Edited October 29, 2017 by Vivir

[Grey Cloud]

Your story sounds very similar to mine except I'm almost two years on from where you are now. And by no means healed and still struggling with a lot of demons of my own! (I'm in counselling).

 

I had an affair for 12 months in 2015 with a married co- worker with children and I was also married with children. The difference is that we stopped the A (the physical component anyway) when he found another job. I entered the A for the same reasons as you.

 

You feel depressed because deep down you realise the hopelessness of the situation. The initial excitement and "feeling alive" is slowly being eroded by the addiction. The obsessing and living your life on hold getting through from one contact to the next to keep you going. Not living in the moment, not enjoying your kids etc. My XMM was exactly like yours - could compartmentalise way better and still enjoy his happily married life.

 

There is no future. You have already said he is happily married and therefore I assume also having loving sex with his wife. He no doubt enjoys the attention, validation and ego boost from you but so long as it doesn't effect his primary relationship with his wife. That will always be his priority.

 

If you don't want to tell your husband (no judgement as I didn't either) there are 4 options:

 

1. Continue as is. Over time the depression and loss of your sense of self will get worse and become more overwhelming. Not to mention jealousy and behaving irrationally. And the guilt of living a double secret life. Plus all the push/pull stuff!

 

2. D day - this is a very real option. If the A is ever exposed then everything is destroyed anyway. Your MM will drop you like a hot potato so he can work on saving his marriage. Your husband and children will be devastated. Your husband already senses something is up with you. I am sure your MM's wife does as well. It's only a matter of time.

 

3. LC - you end the A but remain in LC under the guise of "friends". So you can still get your fix. I chose this option and it didn't work. The pain of remaining in contact (where nothing is ever the same as it was in the beginning), will become greater than the pain of going NC.

 

4. Permanent NC - yep, it feels horrendous and almost impossible. The pain of withdrawal from your addiction is overwhelming. This is the path that Jenkins took and if you read his story you will see now that 2 years on he is a much better place. This is the path I wish I was strong enough to take at the start. I still have a long way to go but realise now that permanent NC is the only way. You need to remove the addiction because no matter how strong you try and be and no matter how many "boundaries" you have in place, the addiction will prove too strong and one contact is all it takes to go back to square one.

 

None of the options are pleasant because that is the nature of affairs. They are a head f@k and nothing will ever be the same again.

 

I feel for you because you have a really long journey ahead of you no matter which path you take. Read up on limerance and realise that what you and your MM share is not special or unique. It's chemical which is why you are struggling so much now.

 

I'm sorry to say it's only going to get worse unless you take some type of serious action. You'll realise that the pain you experience during NC is better then the anxiety, depression and conflicting feelings remaining in the A.

 

ONLY if your XMM is out of the picture do you have any hope of working on your marriage and your feelings for your husband. Right now, your MM is a massive distraction in your life. Your "real" life is still there to sort out when that distraction is gone.

Edited October 29, 2017 by Grey Cloud

[malvern99]

I can see that you are hurting OP, but I'm not convinced you are ready to do what is required to end your affair. You know what is required but you are still in the rationalization phase. As long as you stay in that phase, nothing will change.

 

I don't know why I fell into it. I expect to be judged by so many people on here and I'll take what I deserve.

 

You'll get no judgement here. You may get some very uncomfortable truths, but they're not judgement.

 

I guess I wanted to sample a little taste of the excitement and thrill to make a temporary escape from the reality and complacency that parenthood and long term marriage can sometimes bring.

 

All due respect, that is not the real reason for starting an affair. If it was, then sh*t, everybody would be having affairs all the time, your BH included, because he's been in the same marriage as you hasn't he? You need to dig deeper to find your reasons. IC will help a lot.

 

I got hooked though and I don't know how to get out. We fell in love. The emotional connection is overpowering, controlling.

 

You know exactly how to get out. You just aren't willing to do what it takes yet.

 

I wánt to focus on my husband and family and I want to be back where I belong. But I can't seem to beat the obsession, the sadness, the sinking depression.

 

If you really wanted to focus on your BH and kids you would. Acting like you're the victim of some uncontrollable obsession or force is a cop out because it conveniently takes all responsibility away from you. You are an adult perfectly capable of making decisions for yourself. Own that.

 

We tried NC but we always end up back in an EA under the guise of friendship.

 

NC is so hard for me that I end up physically ill and it's impossible to hide my distress from my husband. I end up making excuses of depression or flu or whatever I can find to.

 

You end up running back to your AP because you have no one to hold you accountable. That is the price of hiding your secret. You have no one to lean on.

 

My husband is so supportive and wants me to be happy. He tries so hard but I can tell he doesn't quite know why I'm like this. I blame my health, my job, my depression, family politics.

 

This is the saddest part of your story. You have a spouse who actually loves you enough to notice and be supportive when he notices you are struggling. The poor bastard.

 

I cannot tell my husband. It would kill him and it would most certainly break up our family. Yes, he deserves to know and deserves to make his own choices but I think here about our children too.

 

I'll be frank here. Your main concern here is yourself. Don't drag your kids into it to try and rationalize your decision to try to save your own skin. Your BH not only deserves to know, but he also deserves to have a partner who thinks of him the way you think of your AP.

 

I want to succeed at NC but I don't know how to hide the distress that it will bring from him while I battle the withdrawal.

 

In order to get away from MM I left my job and started a new one on lesser pay, one that I hate. It took about two weeks before we picked it up again. We message daily, see each other about once a week as friends in a restaurant and every few months our paths cross on business trips and we have a PA.

 

So, don't hide the distress. Tell the truth and let the chips fall where they may. An authentic life is worth its weight in gold, and that goes for your BH too. His marriage has been make believe from the day the affair started.

 

I live from contact to contact... everything I read on here resonates with me.

 

He seems to do a far better job of switching on and off. He loves his family and is happily married.

 

I'm sinking into the dark depths of depression and I can do with a supportive group around me. I cannot do this alone.... please help me.

 

This isn't really about your AP. It's about you and who you want to be. What are you willing to do to get to the point where you are happy with yourself?

[deadsoul]

Hi Sarah...

 

BTDT. It is not an easy place to be in. Yes, you will get a lot of judgment here, but you will also get support.

 

When I was in your situation, it was by far the worst time in my life. I'm coming up on a year since it ended. It can be done.

 

If you aren't in counseling, that's a good place to start. Work on you. Work on fixing you. Many here will tell you have to confess right away, but before you even think about making that decision, you have to fix you. No one else can do it but you.

 

Try not to hit bottom. For many, it's the only way out.

 

Keep posting. You will find many posters who you relate with. For me, some of those are Jenkins, Midnight Blue, Southern Sun and Grey Cloud (waves). HeCantbreakme doesn't post much anymore, but read her story too.

[imsosad]

I feel your pain. I have been where you are at and I am here to offer caution.

I went NC for a year and tried to work on my marriage, without disclosing the affair to my H. I spent a miserable year, feeling guilty towards my H, missing my MM, angry with myself. A mess.Total,horrible, mess. I did not understand why I was not getting any better and why I was feeling so torn between my H and MM.

After a year of NC, my MM and I both left our marriages and decided to be together.

Great, right?

Nope.

I have a nagging feeling that I gave up on my marriage without giving my H and myself a true chance at salvaging it. By not confessing to my H (for the same reasons you don't want to- it would hurt him, he will leave me, the kids will be devestated) I continued the affair in my heart. It was a form of false reconcilliation, I was over compensating and we got along better but we didn't face our true problems together and tried to tackle them.

I am pretty sure that had I confessed and asked for reconcilliation, my exH and I could have worked things out and kept our family together.

I will get slammed for this, but I really do love both men. One is my children's father and a man I have 20 years of shared history with. He is also a man who never strayed. These 3 things alone probavly made hime the better choice for me.

exMM and I love each other and get along very well. In many ways, we're better suited than my ex H and I. Having said that, in a fundemental way, I trust my ex H in a way I still can't my exMM/now partner. And I miss my ex H, often. (Re: trust issue. Yes, we were both married but if you read my thread you will see differences in our attitudes which cause my concern)

My partner knows all of this. One thing I have learned, better to have out with it and let the chips fall. I do not hold back or avoid any conflict, no matter how hard it is for me to say things.

So, 3 years after the A began, I am still struggling with it and its reprecussions. I couldn't move past MM because I wasn't honest with my exH, and I can't really move on with wxMM because I feel unfinished business with my exH.

I didn't look to thread jack (though I think I did) but to warn you that your decisions now are crucial to your future. If you ask me,I'd tell you to go NC, get in MC with your H and tell him everything. Whatever happens later, you will know that you did all you could to make things right. I thought at the time I could just bury the A and forget all about it, while resuming a happy ever after with my H. Didn't work.

I believe that had I done things right, maybe I still would have been divorced and with my exMM, but I'd feel much more at peace with it.

Good luck.

[Sarahhurts]

The time and effort people have gone to to respond to my post have overwhelmed me so much!

 

I’m in floods of tears here over some of the true, profound and valuable information given.

 

Thank you. From the bottom of my heart... i’m in the claws of a very dark depression and the only thing that keeps me going is my beautiful children and husband who deserve none of this.

 

The pain is overwhelming, the confusion, the fog, the pretense to hold it together. I don’t know how to make the first step. Yes, it may seem so self-absorbing, selfish and simple...it’s easy, just walk away and delete his number.

 

With it will come the complete devastation though of the people that I love and whom I will hurt because I will not be able to hide the pain, the drug withdrawal, the guilt. I will have to come clean and I fear the storm of pain in my house.

 

Why should others get hurt? Only I deserve this pain. But in hiding it I cause them pain anyway, only they don’t know the name of it.

[Sarahhurts]

I feel your pain. I have been where you are at and I am here to offer caution.

I went NC for a year and tried to work on my marriage, without disclosing the affair to my H. I spent a miserable year, feeling guilty towards my H, missing my MM, angry with myself. A mess.Total,horrible, mess. I did not understand why I was not getting any better and why I was feeling so torn between my H and MM.

After a year of NC, my MM and I both left our marriages and decided to be together.

Great, right?

Nope.

I have a nagging feeling that I gave up on my marriage without giving my H and myself a true chance at salvaging it. By not confessing to my H (for the same reasons you don't want to- it would hurt him, he will leave me, the kids will be devestated) I continued the affair in my heart. It was a form of false reconcilliation, I was over compensating and we got along better but we didn't face our true problems together and tried to tackle them.

I am pretty sure that had I confessed and asked for reconcilliation, my exH and I could have worked things out and kept our family together.

I will get slammed for this, but I really do love both men. One is my children's father and a man I have 20 years of shared history with. He is also a man who never strayed. These 3 things alone probavly made hime the better choice for me.

exMM and I love each other and get along very well. In many ways, we're better suited than my ex H and I. Having said that, in a fundemental way, I trust my ex H in a way I still can't my exMM/now partner. And I miss my ex H, often. (Re: trust issue. Yes, we were both married but if you read my thread you will see differences in our attitudes which cause my concern)

My partner knows all of this. One thing I have learned, better to have out with it and let the chips fall. I do not hold back or avoid any conflict, no matter how hard it is for me to say things.

So, 3 years after the A began, I am still struggling with it and its reprecussions. I couldn't move past MM because I wasn't honest with my exH, and I can't really move on with wxMM because I feel unfinished business with my exH.

I didn't look to thread jack (though I think I did) but to warn you that your decisions now are crucial to your future. If you ask me,I'd tell you to go NC, get in MC with your H and tell him everything. Whatever happens later, you will know that you did all you could to make things right. I thought at the time I could just bury the A and forget all about it, while resuming a happy ever after with my H. Didn't work.

I believe that had I done things right, maybe I still would have been divorced and with my exMM, but I'd feel much more at peace with it.

Good luck.

 

 

This is a very interesting perspective. Thank you so much for sharing.

[imsosad]

Sarah, you are most welcome.

I got this same exact advise on this board and I didn't follow through, thinking it far fetched to tell my H. Well, I did eventually, when I told him I was leaving and he said he already knew and was hoping I'd come clean so we can work it out.

I hope you resolve your issues properly so this whole affair will turn in to a distant dot in your far past and not dominate your life any longer. It takes guts and strenghth.

You wrote your MM is able to just switch off when he's at home and enjoy his marriage.

Mine was the same, it drove me nuts. I was all over the place and he seemed to be together.

My point of view was so distorted that I thought I was crazy for losing it and he was stronger and smarter for handling it so well. Ha. What a joke.

Don't envy him.

Living with him for months now I see it completely differently than I did before. I now know this isn't a positive sign. the switching off occurs when something is threatning, inconvenient. It is a childish response. Think of a kid who buries his face in his hands and thinks you can't see him. The ability to disconnect from yourself is not a desirable goal. In fact, a healthy adult aims to be engaged and in touch with their emotions as much as ppossible. Switching off is a sign that something is not right.

Your reaction is the normal one. Falling apart during an affair, imo, is the healthy reaction to an unhealthy situation. Hopefully, falling apart will drive you the best, positive, healthiest reaction of all- ending this nightmare.

[Sarahhurts]

I feel your pain. I have been where you are at and I am here to offer caution.

I went NC for a year and tried to work on my marriage, without disclosing the affair to my H. I spent a miserable year, feeling guilty towards my H, missing my MM, angry with myself. A mess.Total,horrible, mess. I did not understand why I was not getting any better and why I was feeling so torn between my H and MM.

After a year of NC, my MM and I both left our marriages and decided to be together.

Great, right?

Nope.

I have a nagging feeling that I gave up on my marriage without giving my H and myself a true chance at salvaging it. By not confessing to my H (for the same reasons you don't want to- it would hurt him, he will leave me, the kids will be devestated) I continued the affair in my heart. It was a form of false reconcilliation, I was over compensating and we got along better but we didn't face our true problems together and tried to tackle them.

I am pretty sure that had I confessed and asked for reconcilliation, my exH and I could have worked things out and kept our family together.

I will get slammed for this, but I really do love both men. One is my children's father and a man I have 20 years of shared history with. He is also a man who never strayed. These 3 things alone probavly made hime the better choice for me.

exMM and I love each other and get along very well. In many ways, we're better suited than my ex H and I. Having said that, in a fundemental way, I trust my ex H in a way I still can't my exMM/now partner. And I miss my ex H, often. (Re: trust issue. Yes, we were both married but if you read my thread you will see differences in our attitudes which cause my concern)

My partner knows all of this. One thing I have learned, better to have out with it and let the chips fall. I do not hold back or avoid any conflict, no matter how hard it is for me to say things.

So, 3 years after the A began, I am still struggling with it and its reprecussions. I couldn't move past MM because I wasn't honest with my exH, and I can't really move on with wxMM because I feel unfinished business with my exH.

I didn't look to thread jack (though I think I did) but to warn you that your decisions now are crucial to your future. If you ask me,I'd tell you to go NC, get in MC with your H and tell him everything. Whatever happens later, you will know that you did all you could to make things right. I thought at the time I could just bury the A and forget all about it, while resuming a happy ever after with my H. Didn't work.

I believe that had I done things right, maybe I still would have been divorced and with my exMM, but I'd feel much more at peace with it.

Good luck.

 

 

This is a very interesting perspective. Thank you so much for sharing.

[BigBlueSky]

Hi Sarah, big hugs to you. I can see how much turmoil and sadness that you're feeling and I'm sorry that you're experiencing so much pain. There have been so many great suggestions already given and I echo the ones that have suggested to read stories of those who are out and are further along so that you can learn from the steps they've taken to crawl out of the hole that they dug for themselves.

 

We're here to support you and to keep you accountable if you need it. I feel like it's still early days for me and I'm still working through a lot, but things are getting better... But it is an incredibly slow process. And impossible if you don't have people to lean on through this.

 

You said that you wanted out. You clearly aren't happy with how things have been going. You've tried a lot of things that haven't worked so you're going to need to do something different. What do you think needs to happen differently for NC to stick?

 

For now, just take it a moment at a time... Keep reading and posting. For me, it's been helpful to get my story out there so I don't feel so alone. I have people here prodding me along when I get stuck and encouraging me. You'll hear from a lot of different people and different perspectives, and that's a good thing. We're here for you!

[jah526]

Sarah, you are most welcome.

I got this same exact advise on this board and I didn't follow through, thinking it far fetched to tell my H. Well, I did eventually, when I told him I was leaving and he said he already knew and was hoping I'd come clean so we can work it out.

I hope you resolve your issues properly so this whole affair will turn in to a distant dot in your far past and not dominate your life any longer. It takes guts and strenghth.

You wrote your MM is able to just switch off when he's at home and enjoy his marriage.

Mine was the same, it drove me nuts. I was all over the place and he seemed to be together.

My point of view was so distorted that I thought I was crazy for losing it and he was stronger and smarter for handling it so well. Ha. What a joke.

Don't envy him.

Living with him for months now I see it completely differently than I did before. I now know this isn't a positive sign. the switching off occurs when something is threatning, inconvenient. It is a childish response. Think of a kid who buries his face in his hands and thinks you can't see him. The ability to disconnect from yourself is not a desirable goal. In fact, a healthy adult aims to be engaged and in touch with their emotions as much as ppossible. Switching off is a sign that something is not right.

Your reaction is the normal one. Falling apart during an affair, imo, is the healthy reaction to an unhealthy situation. Hopefully, falling apart will drive you the best, positive, healthiest reaction of all- ending this nightmare.

 

I just read an interesting article about this yesterday. I think you're right that the "falling apart" reaction is actually the healthier one. Here's some excerpts from the article (Compartmentalizing | Every Man's Battle) .

 

Men who commit sexual betrayal, especially those who are sexually addicted, are incredibly adept at compartmentalizing their behavior.

...

Anyway, it is safe to say that the boxes are self-soothing, coping strategies that men use to deal with life. The fragmented mind of a sexually addicted man often finds its origin in his childhood. For myriad reasons, the child needed and developed distinct boxes, each with its own set of rules, regulations, and relationships in order to make sense of or deal with the pain in his world.

[wmacbride]

op,

It really sounds like this situation is mixed up.

 

You say you can;t tell your spouse because it would hurt him and your children. Madam, it isn't the telling that hurts, it's the affair itself that is the problem.

 

Why is " don't want to hurt my husband/kids" enough reason to not tell him, but that's not enough of a concern to stop the affair?

[DKT3]

op,

It really sounds like this situation is mixed up.

 

You say you can;t tell your spouse because it would hurt him and your children. Madam, it isn't the telling that hurts, it's the affair itself that is the problem.

 

Why is " don't want to hurt my husband/kids" enough reason to not tell him, but that's not enough of a concern to stop the affair?

 

Funny how that works huh?

 

We see this exact situation time and time again. Posters come in and try to help, but in all honesty it's all useless, she isn't ready and/or willing to actually end the affair, tell her husband or walk away from the marriage.

 

It's always "don't want to hurt them" when it's really "I just want both or I don't want to face the consequences of my actions" we're it really about not wanting to hurt the spouse or impact the kids then the hurtful behavior would end, right?

[BaileyB]

Funny how that works huh?

 

We see this exact situation time and time again. Posters come in and try to help, but in all honesty it's all useless, she isn't ready and/or willing to actually end the affair, tell her husband or walk away from the marriage.

 

It's always "don't want to hurt them" when it's really "I just want both or I don't want to face the consequences of my actions" we're it really about not wanting to hurt the spouse or impact the kids then the hurtful behavior would end, right?

 

It should be that simple, but it doesn't seem to work that way... does it.

[aliveagain]

Why is it that so many people having affairs believe that telling their spouse about their infidelity is what causes the pain? Please grow up, meeting someone without your spouse's knowledge, the secret dirty little world you create with some stranger, meet ups in cheap hotel rooms, the back seat of a car or on your office desk, that is what hurts because you betrayed the trust they gave you. There is no way to describe that pain you go through when someone you would give your life to defend disrespects and humiliates you like that. This special man you are so in love with that is cheating on his wife with you and will never leave his wife, this is the guy you think so highly of? One day when you are really lonely wondering how you got here you will re read your posts and wonder why you were so..........

 

The way you proceed is really important. Get professional help because right now you are making some really bad decisions. There is still hope that you and your family can recover from this. Being part time in your family isn't the way to go forward if it's your family you want. Quit giving the other man what belongs to your husband. Everything you do and have done with him will have to be told to your husband at some point if reconciliation is what you want. There is no room for lies in a successful marriage. Think about these things carefully because it is your life we are writing about. What happens will make very little difference to me and my life but it still breaks my heart when I think about your children. Parents are supposed to give their children every opportunity to succeed in life, not this. Get the help you need with someone that has infidelity experience. The pain has already been done and it won't change if he discovers your betrayal tomorrow or 15 years from now, it will hurt him the same.

 

If you don't want to hear the truth from someone that has been in your husbands position just say so and this will be my last post to you.

[Sarahhurts]

Why is it that so many people having affairs believe that telling their spouse about their infidelity is what causes the pain? Please grow up, meeting someone without your spouse's knowledge, the secret dirty little world you create with some stranger, meet ups in cheap hotel rooms, the back seat of a car or on your office desk, that is what hurts because you betrayed the trust they gave you. There is no way to describe that pain you go through when someone you would give your life to defend disrespects and humiliates you like that. This special man you are so in love with that is cheating on his wife with you and will never leave his wife, this is the guy you think so highly of? One day when you are really lonely wondering how you got here you will re read your posts and wonder why you were so..........

 

The way you proceed is really important. Get professional help because right now you are making some really bad decisions. There is still hope that you and your family can recover from this. Being part time in your family isn't the way to go forward if it's your family you want. Quit giving the other man what belongs to your husband. Everything you do and have done with him will have to be told to your husband at some point if reconciliation is what you want. There is no room for lies in a successful marriage. Think about these things carefully because it is your life we are writing about. What happens will make very little difference to me and my life but it still breaks my heart when I think about your children. Parents are supposed to give their children every opportunity to succeed in life, not this. Get the help you need with someone that has infidelity experience. The pain has already been done and it won't change if he discovers your betrayal tomorrow or 15 years from now, it will hurt him the same.

 

If you don't want to hear the truth from someone that has been in your husbands position just say so and this will be my last post to you.

 

I hear you and I’m taking it all in. Thank you.

[Imajerk17]

I hear you and I’m taking it all in. Thank you.

 

Every time you think about MM, think about the devastation you are now causing in your husband, and the pain you are putting your children through leading your double life. I hope that makes your selfish fun and excitement sound less appealing to you.

[deadsoul]

Funny how that works huh?

 

We see this exact situation time and time again. Posters come in and try to help, but in all honesty it's all useless, she isn't ready and/or willing to actually end the affair, tell her husband or walk away from the marriage.

 

It's always "don't want to hurt them" when it's really "I just want both or I don't want to face the consequences of my actions" we're it really about not wanting to hurt the spouse or impact the kids then the hurtful behavior would end, right?

 

I don't want this to sound like an excuse, but it's part of the addiction. Think of a drug addict or alcoholic. They say the same things. One thing we all have in common is we avoid, don't face our problems head on.

 

It seems so simple to just advise someone to end it. I believe most of us never planned to be in that position to begin with. It is a painful, terrible position with a ton of self-loathing.

 

In a strange way, I welcomed many of the negative comments I read because it was my way of punishing myself. I'd think, "Yep. You deserve every bit of this."

 

I did, to be honest. I realize now how warped my interpretation of everything around me was. I still fall into that thinking and I have to catch myself and remind myself that's not how I am anymore.

 

OP is recognizing she can't continue this way and it's a start. Making the move to end it is the next step. Baby steps.

 

OP, take it in. I hope you get the courage to take the next step. I wish it was easy as many think. But I know from experience it isn't. I got really lucky because it was done for me. I was trying to end it and couldn't.

 

I didn't used to think I was lucky it ended the way it did, but now.... I think I am extremely lucky. I needed a huge wake up call. Unfortunately, like an addict, you may have to hit bottom. The good news is, the only way from there is UP.

[Birdies]

OP, take it in. I hope you get the courage to take the next step. I wish it was easy as many think. But I know from experience it isn't. I got really lucky because it was done for me. I was trying to end it and couldn't.

 

I didn't used to think I was lucky it ended the way it did, but now.... I think I am extremely lucky. I needed a huge wake up call. Unfortunately, like an addict, you may have to hit bottom. The good news is, the only way from there is UP.

 

Same. My A (I was married and in an A with a MM, same deal as you Sarah, very much in love with him) was ended for me, by his estranged wife suddenly showing up and then calling my husband before I could get ahold of him. Obviously it was a life-ending disaster of epic pain for everyone at the time, but I think now too that it was lucky. Otherwise I would have eventually had to end it, and we would have still been in love but white-knuckling through NC, and there would be a huuuuge secret between my husband and me that would always create distance between us and that I would always have feared would come out eventually.

 

Instead, as awful as it was, having the truth exposed allowed each of us to examine honestly and without deception what we wanted going forward. It gave my husband the chance to make a decision about his life with all the information available to him, instead of being woefully clueless about the biggest betrayal of his life. It gave me a chance to truly evaluate what I wanted in life, whether it was my marriage or to move on from my marriage, without being stuck in inertia because I couldn't be honest with him and I couldn't fathom hurting him with the knowledge of what I'd done. We all could make an informed decision, and while that was a devastating process, it was also a relief.

 

Anyway, I know you probably can't fathom telling your husband, but be warned that it will be 1000% worse if he finds out in another way.

 

I hope you can decide to pull the trigger once and for all on NC. Otherwise your life will blow up spectacularly just as mine did. But as I said, I think the eventual honesty between my husband and me was worth the pain of it all, and I know he agrees. (We eventually divorced and my MM and I have been in a great relationship for several years. My ex has a new gf and I think we are both a lot happier than before, although our marriage was not terrible.)

 

Ps, just ignore the posters here who have 100% judgment, 0% advice. This board serves as a convenient whipping boy for some betrayed spouses.