Affair...it's killing me.

[DKT3]

Listen, in these situations she, like you or Deadsoul when you came didn't HEAR advice only those coddling you and patting you on the back. That's stuff is nice and all but not helpful.

 

All of us that have traveled this road know what steps she will have to take at some point one way or the other, she isn't hearing it I don't want to hurt him?? Boat left the dock first time she lied or mislead her husband for MM.

 

Once she gets serious about this then she will take steps towards a real solution, steps that are real actions and sacrifices.

 

I get that some say it's not that simple, addiction and all. My wife had a 20 month affair, she wasn't in love or addicted, she said it was that long because when she hung out with him was the only time she did feel like crap about herself. I empathize with that, I can empathize with feeling helpless or confused. I can't empathize with the denial and delusion that not taking steps have anything to do with saving the spouse from pain. The truth is, like the affair the motive is selfish based. Not wanting the spouse to change his/her view, not wanting to face consequences, not wanting to change the fact that you're getting attention from two people, not wanting to give up the excitement blah blah blah. Not wanting to hurt the spouse is just the excuse for not being honest...plus it sounds better to tell yourself that.

[deadsoul]

Listen, in these situations she, like you or Deadsoul when you came didn't HEAR advice only those coddling you and patting you on the back. That's stuff is nice and all but not helpful.

 

All of us that have traveled this road know what steps she will have to take at some point one way or the other, she isn't hearing it I don't want to hurt him?? Boat left the dock first time she lied or mislead her husband for MM.

 

Once she gets serious about this then she will take steps towards a real solution, steps that are real actions and sacrifices.

 

I get that some say it's not that simple, addiction and all. My wife had a 20 month affair, she wasn't in love or addicted, she said it was that long because when she hung out with him was the only time she did feel like crap about herself. I empathize with that, I can empathize with feeling helpless or confused. I can't empathize with the denial and delusion that not taking steps have anything to do with saving the spouse fr bethe spouse to change his/her view, not wanting to face consequences, not wanting to change the fact that you're getting attention from two people, not wanting to give up the excitement blah blah blah. Not wanting to hurt the spouse is just the excuse for not being honest...plus it sounds better to tell yourself that.

 

It's good for her to get everyone's perspective: yours is as the betrayed, mine is the wayward's. I've been there, just as you have, but from another perspective. I know you see it as coddling, and I get that. I see many betrayed posts coming from their own pain, which OP needs to hear as well.

 

The wayward will never truly understand the betrayed spouse's pain. The betrayed isn't expected (nor should they) to emphasize with the wayward's pain. After all, we've caused all of the destruction. We have to live with that.

[DKT3]

It's good for her to get everyone's perspective: yours is as the betrayed, mine is the wayward's. I've been there, just as you have, but from another perspective. I know you see it as coddling, and I get that. I see many betrayed posts coming from their own pain, which OP needs to hear as well.

 

The wayward will never truly understand the betrayed spouse's pain. The betrayed isn't expected (nor should they) to emphasize with the wayward's pain. After all, we've caused all of the destruction. We have to live with that.

 

I don't agree, I do empathize with the pain of waywards, I mean you guys are human right? You make mistakes and have regrets. I empathize with the fear of facing consequences. I don't empathize with delusional excuses for not giving someone who one claims to love or at least care for a choice, I don't empathize with endangering Thier health and we'll being, or the physical safety of your family....after all one never knows how people will react in dire situations.

[malvern99]

A's are definitely addictions, but like any addiction, they are almost impossible to beat alone. No one would advise a heroin addict to just stop doing heroin. If it were that easy, they wouldn't be addicted. Addicts need support systems in real life in order to be able to fight their addiction, and the best weapon against addiction is truth. Wasting energy trying to hide an addiction is self defeating. That energy would be better spent fighting the addiction in the light of day with the support of those who love you.

 

Let me put it this way OP. How many times have you tried to end the A? From your initial post I gather it is more than once. All those failed attempts have one thing in common, and that is you trying to battle it alone. How has that worked out for you? So my question is what makes this time different? How can you possibly expect a different result if all the inputs are the same as the last times you tried to end it? Trying the same thing over and over expecting different results is the definition of insanity.

 

In order to successfully end it, you have to try something different. The only proven way to deal with affairs is to do it in the light of day. Sunlight is the best disinfectant. Your BH needs to know the truth as does your AP's wife.

 

The best piece of advice anyone can give you is this. Stop trying to control the outcome. Living like that will only keep you trapped in your current situation. Let go of the outcome, deal with the consequences of your decisions, and work on making yourself the best version of you you can. Yes, you made some terrible choices that will likely follow you for a long time. Attempting to hide those choices from your spouse won't change the fact that the A happened. That said though, that doesn't have to be the end of your story. The choices you make now will determine the outcome. You can either continue to live the double life that robs your family of your 100% presence always praying your BH never finds out, or you can take those chains off and live authentically with empathy for those who love you. The choice, like the consequences are yours.

[misspalmy]

I think you need to come clean. free your self even if it means chance u may lose ur man

[Imajerk17]

Every time you think about MM, think about the devastation you are now causing in your husband, and the pain you are putting your children through leading your double life. I hope that makes your selfish fun and excitement sound less appealing to you.

 

It's not my intention to beat anyone down, but you need to understand OP how dire your situation is. Your husband and kids are headed for an awful lot of pain due to your actions. You are basically driving a truck right into your family home--with everyone inside. The devastation you are about to cause your loved ones will stay w them a long long time.

Edited October 30, 2017 by Imajerk17

[Sarahhurts]

It's not my intention to beat anyone down, but you need to understand OP how dire your situation is. Your husband and kids are headed for an awful lot of pain due to your actions. You are basically driving a truck right into your family home--with everyone inside. The devastation you are about to cause your loved ones will stay w them a long long time.

 

Even after I end it? I told MM by text last night that I’m done. I deleted his number and blocked his email address. I don’t even feel sad at this stage, just sick to my stomach about my own actions over the past year. I woke feeling relieved.

 

What I’m hearing from a few people on here though is that ending it will not be enough to end the pain for my family unless I confess all?

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

What I’m hearing from a few people on here though is that ending it will not be enough to end the pain for my family unless I confess all?

 

You'll hear all sorts of opinions about this. You yourself said you'd be in so much pain if you end it, your husband will surely want to know what in the world is wrong with you.

 

My personal opinion is that you're still going to have this huge secret between you which will impact your relationship even if you don't tell him. You'll live in fear constantly that he may sometime find out. But, if you tell him, well, you know how that will go. Either way, your relationship is forever harmed. There is simply no going back to more pure days .

 

Glad you ended it with MM. For now anyway.

[MidnightBlue1980]

Grey Cloud has it - those are your choices. Don't be swayed by the few who ended up with their mm, you said yourself that he shuts off easily. He is really just having fun and these guys, they will drop you the second their wives have an inkling something is up.

 

You are in hell and the only way out is to keep going. You know you need to stop contact, etc. I sense it has gone way past the point where you have control over the situation though. Can you just stop? It is an addiction unfortunately. It takes about 6 months of NC to start feeling better. Another year after that to start to feel like you are getting back to yourself - except that you who you were, she is gone now. The innocence is lost. You will come out the other side but you will be a new person. That is not a bad thing as you will never fall for this kind of stuff again. Pain does that to a person.

 

People will post here and tell you that you need to tell your husband. Many of them are men who were the BS, so you need to take advice from whence it comes. Many spouses already know and - particularly men - wish they hadn't known the truth. Dead Soul confessed and I'm not sure she felt like it helped the situation at all. She doesn't post much anymore so I'm not sure where things stand.

 

Confessing is the right thing to do if your marriage has big flaws which you need to fix and you need your spouse to understand that things are so bad that you have gone and gotten yourself in this terrible situation. You need to be able to accept that your spouse may divorce you or hate you forever. Many men do. People will tell you that the spouse has a right to know and make the decision for themselves - but that is tricky because they are referring to themselves, they don't know your husband. You need to think about what you think he would want and what are your motives for telling him.

 

If you think you will tell him and feel better, you are wrong. You won't feel better, you will feel exactly the same way about your mm and now have this horrible situation to deal with on top of it. You will not be able to even hint at grieving in home. So if you tell him to try and unload your grief on him, it won't work. Only tell him if you think he would want to know and you are ready to do the work to fix your marriage. You need to be prepared to lose it all and not care.

 

My story is long, you can read it, but I told him the big points and we fixed our marriage. It was total h*ll though. I was in pain beyond belief for 2 years from the combination of both things going on. That is my story though. You need to figure out yours.

[Marc878]

Even after I end it? I told MM by text last night that I’m done. I deleted his number and blocked his email address. I don’t even feel sad at this stage, just sick to my stomach about my own actions over the past year. I woke feeling relieved.

 

What I’m hearing from a few people on here though is that ending it will not be enough to end the pain for my family unless I confess all?

 

I don't think you realize what you've done. You see you aren't on the receiving end of this but your H and family are.

 

Read up

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/365269-things-every-wayward-spouse-needs-know

[BaileyB]

I told MM by text last night that I’m done. I deleted his number and blocked his email address.

 

IF you affair partner has any affection for you at all, he will respect your wishes and let you go.

 

IF he contacts you again or makes any attempt to re-initiate the affair, you will know that he does not have your best interest at heart - he is only looking out for his best interest. And then, you should really run for the hills...

[malvern99]

What I’m hearing from a few people on here though is that ending it will not be enough to end the pain for my family unless I confess all?

 

Ending it is good, but who knows how long that will last for? Haven't you ended it before only to pick up where you left off later on? The same inputs will guarantee you the same result.

 

Yes, ending the A is not enough in my opinion. Is it possible to have a real relationship with someone while hiding such a monstrous secret from them? I highly doubt it. This secret will always prevent you and your BH having a healthy relationship, and your children will model their future relationships on what they witness in your household, so yes, it will still damage everyone. The best way to deal with it is openly so everyone can get the help they need. IC for both you and your BH, and maybe even counselling for your kids.

 

When your BH or your kids inevitably see you mourning your AP, they (especially the kids if they are young) may begin to blame themselves for your unhappiness. Don't do that to them. Give them the gift of authenticity. Stop putting yourself and your desires first.

[aliveagain]

The best way to confess is to do it in the presence of a professional counselor. Let them mediate/referee as an independent third party. As long as you have secrets this big between you and the other man and withheld from your husband(just my opinion as a betrayed spouse)your affair still lives. You need to start being honest, you have been lying to your husband too long. You allowed a predator into your marriage and he or your husband has to go.

[MuddyFootprints]

Yeah, you will need to drop the poetic tragedy. It's sad and it sucks that you compromised your boundaries.

 

How badly do you want to save your marriage?

[Scoutjr]

Sarah and Imsosad

 

I feel a lot like you both. Happy to chat offline and be a source of strength.

[DKT3]

Even after I end it? I told MM by text last night that I’m done. I deleted his number and blocked his email address. I don’t even feel sad at this stage, just sick to my stomach about my own actions over the past year. I woke feeling relieved.

 

What I’m hearing from a few people on here though is that ending it will not be enough to end the pain for my family unless I confess all?

 

Say you step on a nail and it creates a great deal of pain. You pull the nail out and it gives you some relief. However, the wound is infected. If left untreated in time it will cost you your foot, then leg. It will spread until it consumes everything. That is your affair. Leave it untreated it will slow consume everything you once held dear.

[Origin]

I’m not married so I can’t comment if I would wanna know or not but what I can tell you is if you were in your husbands shoes would you want to know??

 

Let’s say so far you haven’t strayed,you’re faithful to him, and everything you wrote about your husband but he’s the one sleeping with another woman and loves her. How does that make you feel and would you wanna know?? How would you react?

 

 

I think your NC is gonna fail. You said you texted him, blocked his email, deleted the number but...why not block the number also?? It’s little thing like these that we subconsciously do to leave the door open.

 

Chances that you will relapse are HUGE just like many of us in here have relapsed.

 

You say both you and affair partner are in love but he can turn it “on/off” easy....as a guy I can tell you one thing. If you’re really in love with somebody there is NO OFF switch. So maybe you should also drop that outta your head. As somebody wrote, if this affair became known he would drop you like a hot potato and run to his wife.

 

I think you did a good thing to post on here. Keep coming back and keep posting each time you think you will crash. The thing you need to remember is to be honest on here if you want an honest opinion/advice.

[grass-hopper]

You’ll have to understand that if you do come clean to your H, it’s not going to make you feel any better. Someone once said to me “Ignorance is bliss”.

I’m not in any real position to give advice. But understand that you’re going to cause a great deal of pain to your H. So don’t tell him for your own relief. Maybe you shouldn’t try marriage counseling. Start working on both of you together. And arrive to the confession if it needs to go there.

[DKT3]

You’ll have to understand that if you do come clean to your H, it’s not going to make you feel any better. Someone once said to me “Ignorance is bliss”.

I’m not in any real position to give advice. But understand that you’re going to cause a great deal of pain to your H. So don’t tell him for your own relief. Maybe you shouldn’t try marriage counseling. Start working on both of you together. And arrive to the confession if it needs to go there.

 

I confessed to my wife that I ate her banana bread....not the same as confessing to an affair. Point being confession (being honest) isn't the root of the pain it's what you're confessing too.

 

Trying to rebuild a marriage on a secret affair is like building a five million dollar house on a minefield. Everything may seem to be going great then one misstep and BOOM.

[Grey Cloud]

Even after I end it? I told MM by text last night that I’m done. I deleted his number and blocked his email address. I don’t even feel sad at this stage, just sick to my stomach about my own actions over the past year. I woke feeling relieved.

?

 

This is a good first step and yes you will feel relieved and strong initially but be prepared for the intense cravings to reach out and contact him. It will be so intense but will only provide temporary relief (if at all) if you do contact him.

 

Hopefully he will respect your wishes and not contact you but the silence will become deafening. Its all part of the process.

 

I once went weeks of complete NC and thought I would never contact him again. One song on the radio and I completely triggered and sent him an email. If you feel like contacting him then post here instead.

[wmacbride]

Even after I end it? I told MM by text last night that I’m done. I deleted his number and blocked his email address. I don’t even feel sad at this stage, just sick to my stomach about my own actions over the past year. I woke feeling relieved.

 

What I’m hearing from a few people on here though is that ending it will not be enough to end the pain for my family unless I confess all?

 

I can give you some reasons for telling, but ultimately, you know your husband and yourself. You'll end up doing what you feel is he right thing to do.

 

Some reasons to tell:

 

- a marriage built on lies is like a house built on sand. You never know when things can shift and collapse. You'll never be able to be 100 percent sure your husband won't find/figure out what has been gong on.If he hears it in any other way than from you, you will be increasing his pain exponentially

 

- one thing that many ws do is blame their marriage for their actions. How are you ( general you, not you specifically) ever going to make it better if your bs has no idea you feel the way you do.

 

-you have zero control over what your ex-om o his spouse will do. If he comes clean to his wife, she may well contact your husband and tell him what's been going on. If he finds out that way, it will devastate him

 

- in the end it all comes down to who your are and the type of person you want to be. Some feel okay about this type of deception, and others don't. If you are someone who does feel okay with it, I would suggest that you re-evaluate being married.

 

I once read that bs are like mushrooms, they get kept in t e dark and fed bullsh@t. Just speaking for myself, it's the lying from my ws that hurt more than anything else. It really does kill a little part of you, and I n't think you cna ever get that b

[wmacbride]

Even after I end it? I told MM by text last night that I’m done. I deleted his number and blocked his email address. I don’t even feel sad at this stage, just sick to my stomach about my own actions over the past year. I woke feeling relieved.

 

What I’m hearing from a few people on here though is that ending it will not be enough to end the pain for my family unless I confess all?

 

It all comes down to the type of person you want to be and the type of marriage you want to have.

 

Some people can keep a lie like this and take it to their grave. It doesn't seem to affect them very much. They just don't seem to feel guilty.

 

Others try to keep the lie, but it eats away at them, and the affair ends up destroying the marriage anyway, even if the bs never knows that was the cause.

 

In the end, do you want a married that has a foundation of honesty, or one of deception?

 

Add to all of this the following factors:

 

- if your husband finds out form anyone else than you, he may well never trust you again. looking at the situation from his perspective, can you blame him?

 

- you really have no control over the situation. your ex-om may spill the beans, if hs wife finds out, she may contact your bs to let him know what's been going on.

 

- if, as some say, they cheated because they weren't happy in their marriage, then how can one expect their marriage to ever get any better if they are being deceptive? That's like a 500 pound man complaining about how he's overweight while he's eating fried chicken hand over fist.

 

In the end, you know yourself and you know your husband. In his shoes, what would you want? Would you want something like this to have gone on behind your back, or would you like to know about it so you can make informed choices about your life?

 

If you don't mind a suggetsion, go to your nearest mirror and look at the face looking back at you. Think of both the options, and taking in all the possible outcomes, information and your actions, what do you feel is best for your marriage? I worded it that way because, as it stands right now, you have chosen your marriage over your om. If taht's the case, then you need to do what is best for your marriage, even if that's really hard on you.

 

I'm not trying to make you feel bad, as it sounds like you have been through a tough time and are looking for help. If I can offer one more piece of advice, it's to take each day as it comes for now. Have a plan ready ahead of time so that if your ex-om tries to contact you, you will be able to act immediately before you have time to think about it and get bogged down.

 

You will get through all of this. It may not be easy, but the most worthwhile things in life never are. You've taken the first step out of the darkness and into the light. Keep that momentum going and be gentle to yourself. Eat well,make sure you get the rest you need and keep forging ahead.

 

One step at a time. Grieve your loss and then keep moving forward, even if it's only at a snail's pace at first.

[Southwardbound]

The time and effort people have gone to to respond to my post have overwhelmed me so much!

 

I’m in floods of tears here over some of the true, profound and valuable information given.

 

Thank you. From the bottom of my heart... i’m in the claws of a very dark depression and the only thing that keeps me going is my beautiful children and husband who deserve none of this.

 

The pain is overwhelming, the confusion, the fog, the pretense to hold it together. I don’t know how to make the first step. Yes, it may seem so self-absorbing, selfish and simple...it’s easy, just walk away and delete his number.

 

With it will come the complete devastation though of the people that I love and whom I will hurt because I will not be able to hide the pain, the drug withdrawal, the guilt. I will have to come clean and I fear the storm of pain in my house.

 

Why should others get hurt? Only I deserve this pain. But in hiding it I cause them pain anyway, only they don’t know the name of it.

 

Kudos to you, but even though you don't recognize it, I think you have taken a first step by changing jobs. Changing jobs from one you like to one you dislike is hard all on its own. - Even more difficult when you add in job romance that was going on there. That tells me - even though you like the attention/ excitement that the affair brings - you're not ready to give up your marriage.

 

Try thinking about what you like so much that your affair partner does, because it will relate to what's missing in your marriage.

[aliveagain]

Even after I end it? I told MM by text last night that I’m done. I deleted his number and blocked his email address. I don’t even feel sad at this stage, just sick to my stomach about my own actions over the past year. I woke feeling relieved.

 

What I’m hearing from a few people on here though is that ending it will not be enough to end the pain for my family unless I confess all?

 

Very good first step, no contact is critical. You can not control the actions of other people, you can't control what happens in your O/M's relationship. He may get busted by his wife for a future infidelity and confess all his affairs, happens here all the time. First thing we always recommend is to tell the other betrayed spouse. Hearing the news from another source will be devastating for your marriage and the chances of surviving it are much lower. Just read the infidelity posts on this site. Personally I couldn't have a successful relationship while withholding a secret that big, you are not me and if your OK with being deceptive and lie to your husband that's up to you. I think lies that big break people down over time. The best policy is always honesty. I found out through a third party, I left within 30 days. To me she is just another face in the crowd now.

[deadsoul]

Grey Cloud has it - those are your choices. Don't be swayed by the few who ended up with their mm, you said yourself that he shuts off easily. He is really just having fun and these guys, they will drop you the second their wives have an inkling something is up.

 

You are in hell and the only way out is to keep going. You know you need to stop contact, etc. I sense it has gone way past the point where you have control over the situation though. Can you just stop? It is an addiction unfortunately. It takes about 6 months of NC to start feeling better. Another year after that to start to feel like you are getting back to yourself - except that you who you were, she is gone now. The innocence is lost. You will come out the other side but you will be a new person. That is not a bad thing as you will never fall for this kind of stuff again. Pain does that to a person.

 

People will post here and tell you that you need to tell your husband. Many of them are men who were the BS, so you need to take advice from whence it comes. Many spouses already know and - particularly men - wish they hadn't known the truth. Dead Soul confessed and I'm not sure she felt like it helped the situation at all. She doesn't post much anymore so I'm not sure where things stand.

 

Confessing is the right thing to do if your marriage has big flaws which you need to fix and you need your spouse to understand that things are so bad that you have gone and gotten yourself in this terrible situation. You need to be able to accept that your spouse may divorce you or hate you forever. Many men do. People will tell you that the spouse has a right to know and make the decision for themselves - but that is tricky because they are referring to themselves, they don't know your husband. You need to think about what you think he would want and what are your motives for telling him.

 

If you think you will tell him and feel better, you are wrong. You won't feel better, you will feel exactly the same way about your mm and now have this horrible situation to deal with on top of it. You will not be able to even hint at grieving in home. So if you tell him to try and unload your grief on him, it won't work. Only tell him if you think he would want to know and you are ready to do the work to fix your marriage. You need to be prepared to lose it all and not care.

 

My story is long, you can read it, but I told him the big points and we fixed our marriage. It was total h*ll though. I was in pain beyond belief for 2 years from the combination of both things going on. That is my story though. You need to figure out yours.

 

I'm here

I agree with everything in this post. I did the right thing in confessing. I also don't believe that's the right move for everyone, but it was in my case.

 

But I need to reiterate MB's statement that confessing does NOT make you "feel better" or "relieve your guilt." At least it didn't in my case. What confessing did was allow me to make some major changes in my life and how I think. It also made me accountable to my family, which I needed. I couldn't do it alone. More power to the people who can. I hate that I had to make myself accountable to my family, but it's what I had to do.