She Isn't Ready (LDR)

[JamesDaniels123]

I'm talking to a girl long distance. She is 21, me 22. Her longest relationship was 6 months, mine 3 years.

She is nothing short of amazing and makes me feel better than anyone has ever made me feel. She says similar things about me and agrees that the chemistry between us is something special.

We've only been talking for about 8 or 9 weeks, but we both believe we are in love and we are saying "I love you" regularly.

 

She's very extroverted and has a lot of male friends which was at first a bit worrying. She explained how they are just friends, one of which is her ex from only a few months ago (that she has apparently known for many years as a friend), but i'm convinced that nothing is going on and we have agreed to be open about that sort of stuff. Last week she stayed at a male friend's house and i felt uncomfortable. After a lengthy discussion she agreed not to stay at a male's house if it's just her and him. Perhaps my asking of that was a bit too much.

 

I am very introverted and needy, but the fact that she is extroverted is exciting and new to me, and I don't think it's an issue per se. We talk regularly but I don't feel like any sort of a priority - she talks to me when she isn't seeing her friends and when she is, sometimes she doesn't reply for hours. Sometimes she comes home after seeing her friends and is "too tired to talk". She says talking to someone seriously online is very new to her, which I can appreciate.

 

Currently we are just saying that we are "seeing one another", but we have both agreed not to see or sleep with anyone else. She gets upset at the idea of someone else "having me". Unfortunately it looks like we wouldn't be able to meet for at least 8 months and we both agree that "seeing someone" for 8 months is ridiculous.

 

I have anxiety and trust issues, and the distance doesn't help with that. Furthermore, I believe that my ex cheated on me which has messed me up a bit. Because of how close we are and how much this feels like a long distance relationship to me, I asked her if we can just call it a relationship. She has said she isn't ready for a few reasons, including "not wanting it to be too serious", "not wanting to make compromises", "wanting to meet me first", and above all else she says that she has personal issues that she wants to work on alone (she has a therapist). I explained that nothing would change if we were to call what we have a relationship, and that she can work out her issues without having to be single. I can support her if she wants it or never mention her issues, therapy etc, if not.

Considering she wants to be exclusive, what does "not wanting it to be too serious" mean? We talk every day, we say I love you, and we are exclusive - how much more serious can it be?

 

After a long discussion last night, I explained that if she isn't willing to at least give some sort of a time frame, it's best for me that we don't talk anymore because I'm struggling to trust her which is making my anxiety worse, as she is technically single and it would be reassuring for me if she were to publicly display that she is taken (it raises questions about if she is seeing others and doesn't want them to know about me, etc). After some crying (she definitely cares), she agreed that in two months, regardless of if she felt ready or not, she would give it a go. She said she thinks by then she will be ready and agreed that Christmas day would be a cute day to make it official. I'd be comprising by waiting, and she'd be compromising by giving it a shot regardless. We agreed it was a good idea and I felt better because I had a time frame.

 

Today, less than 24 hours later, I woke up to a message from her saying she "doesn't think she will be ready" and that she "knows she won't be happy in a relationship" despite liking the idea of it and "wanting to make me happy". She says the two month idea feels "forced", and I really do understand that, but I can't help but presume that there's a hidden reason why she doesn't want a relationship.

 

This girl is amazing and I don't want to let her go, it's clear to me that she likes me a lot, and she has been very supportive. Our not-a-relationship feels great and not at all one sided (just to be clear).

She hates when I don't trust her but trust must be earned and that's exactly the point of calling it a relationship for me. It already feels like a LDR to me anyway, nothing would change for us besides a Facebook relationship status, and that's exactly why I'm suspicious.

 

I'm a logical person and having failed to reach a compromise, I appear to have two options here:

- continue the way it is while waiting for her to (perhaps never) be ready,

- ‎start no contact, hope that she comes around but know that I will move on if she doesn't.

 

Waiting is fine, but the anxiety regarding why she won't just call it a relationship is horrible. Everyone I mention this situation to tells me to walk away because i'm being played.

I want to respect her wishes but I do feel used, as though she's having her cake and eating it. She gets the in-a-relationship me, without actually being in a relationship with me. If she wants to be just "seeing" me, then saying I love you, falling asleep on Skype together, etc, needs to stop, no? And if being in a relationship with me is more of a big deal than losing me then she's obviously not as mad about me as she says she is.

 

Any comments about how "long distance isn't worth it" etc won't be appreciated. I've had a 2 year LDR before that I enjoyed and this girl is truly special, so i'm not interested in being told to "not bother" (because of the distance, and not the situation).

Edited October 29, 2017 by JamesDaniels123

[BaileyB]

It seems to me that what you have right now is essentially an online friendship, not a romantic relationship. And this, is not what you want from this girl.

 

I will say this, as I have learned from experience... When someone tells you that are not ready or don't want a relationship, believe them. Don't waste time and energy hoping that they will change their minds. Go about your life, if and when she is ready for more - well, then she can let you know.

[JamesDaniels123]

It seems to me that what you have right now is essentially an online friendship, not a romantic relationship. And this, is not what you want from this girl.

 

I will say this, as I have learned from experience... When someone tells you that are not ready or don't want a relationship, believe them. Don't waste time and energy hoping that they will change their minds. Go about your life, if and when she is ready for more - well, then she can let you know.

 

I can't really agree with the first part because we are sexual and intimate (as much as you can be online). She talks to me more than anyone online etc.

 

I do think that she wants a relationship without any of the responsibilities. When i threaten to walk away she says she "wants me in her life". She wants the compliments and affection without the responsibilities of a relationship and right now she's getting that. It needs to stop. I need to do no contact. Would you agree?

 

Is it healthy for me to let this play out? I want to let it play out but I feel as though i'm becoming controlling because of my lack of trust :/

[BaileyB]

This is just my opinion, so take it for what it's worth...

 

I have to be honest and tell you that I don't think it's healthy to consider yourself to be in a sexual and intimate relationship with a woman that you have never met in person. I also don't think it's healthy to say that you love someone after such a short period of time, when you haven't actually seen each other in person. Just my humble opinion...

 

Relationships develop in person, by spending time together. I have close online friendships... I would say that they create a sense of "knowing" someone if thoughts, feelings, and other personal information is shared. But, it is not the same as sharing and developing a romantic relationship, in real life.

 

It's entirely possible that she wants the companionship and comfort of a relationship online without having to take the RISK or putting in the work of having a romantic relationship in real life. I think you are fine to continue talking with this girl if you can do so with no expectations of a romantic relationship, in real life. I don't think you can do that though. There is obviously a reason why she is more comfortable keeping your relationship an "online relationship." Normally, I would suggest that she may be creating this boundary because she is anxious to meet you and take the next step. However, considering that you say that she is extroverted, has lots of friends, and recently spent the night at the home of a male "friend," there is a good chance that she is dating other people or in another relationship. I know, you will say that you have agreed to be "exclusive" but words mean nothing, especially when there are no real world consequences. It's hard to know because you don't ever see her, in real life.

 

I'm sorry, I'm probably not telling you what you would like to hear. Good luck to you, with whatever you decide to do.

Edited October 29, 2017 by BaileyB

[basil67]

James, all the reasons she's giving for not wanting a relationship with you are valid. You may not understand or agree, but if she was my daughter, I'd be very proud of her being so sensible.

 

She's not using you. Instead, she's being honest about not seeing the two of you in a relationship. And I think you've got the trust thing backwards. You're not in a relationship, so she shouldn't need to keep your trust at this point. And besides, when we start a relationship we give trust and they work to keep your trust. Starting out with no trust is no way to have a relationship. I mean, why bother starting out with someone who doesn't trust you? I know I wouldn't do it.

 

I realise that you don't want comments about LDR being a waste of time, but I suspect she wants something more tangible. A guy who she can hold and hang out with. A guy who she can go on dates with and be involved in her actual life. If I'm right, none of this is unreasonable on her part. Do you really think a 21yo is wise to tie herself up with someone she's never met and won't meet soon? I don't.

 

It's time to let this online relationship end. You want different things.

[JamesDaniels123]

Thank you for the responses and thank you for the advice.

Having spoken to her again, it's extremely clear to me that her intentions are not to see others etc, despite how common it is for people to avoid relationships in order to do such things.

 

I disagree regarding not being able to have a serious relationship online. Long distance relationships are certainly a thing and i'm comfortable with being in love with someone i haven't met.

 

I have agreed to continue talking to her despite the fact that she doesn't want a relationship for the foreseeable future as neither of us want to stop talking. We did, however, agree that if this becomes a serious issue for me again in the future, we will have to call it a day

 

Thank you again.

[ExpatInItaly]

She's trying to let you down gently, OP.

 

Online relationships just are no match for real, in-person ones (which includes the intimacy factor; web cams don't replace real, between-the-sheets time) Saying that you love someone you've never met doesn't make a lot of sense, because you don't really know a person until you've spent a substantial amount of time together in real life. You might be comfortable with that, but evidently she is not. Many wouldn't be, so I would advise you not to put your all your eggs in one basket before you meet a woman offline. (Take a skim through these forums for people in your friend's position; hear it from their point of view)

 

I think she's being quite reasonable, really. She is telling you she doesn't want to say she's in a relationship with someone she has never met, and she doesn't want a relationship at all while she is dealing with her own struggles. Those are some significant and valid reasons why this won't work for her. You of course don't agree, but that choice is out of your hands.

 

Given that you're already quite attached, I would suggest that you take a big break in communication. You are going to have a lot of trouble letting go if you keep up the chats, and what happens if she meets someone locally? It will devastate you to know she's on a date or at least keeping her options open for guys in her area.

[GemmaUK]

I can't really agree with the first part because we are sexual and intimate (as much as you can be online). She talks to me more than anyone online etc.

This isn't a sexual relationship.

It's just an online connection and being sexually explicit with her, some women accept payment for this either when logged on or by requesting gifts be sent to them.

It's not a sexual relationship until you have been involved in person.

 

I do think that she wants a relationship without any of the responsibilities. When i threaten to walk away she says she "wants me in her life". She wants the compliments and affection without the responsibilities of a relationship and right now she's getting that. It needs to stop. I need to do no contact. Would you agree?

Yes, this is what you should do.

 

Is it healthy for me to let this play out? I want to let it play out but I feel as though i'm becoming controlling because of my lack of trust :/

No. it's not at all healthy, especially not so if you are becoming controlling.

 

You say you are needy, have anxiety and trust issues.

You are just setting yourself up to make all of these issues worse by continuing with this online charade.

It's not reality.

 

BTW, crying is not an indicator that she cares, it could be stress, frustration, feeling cornered, anything.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

How did you meet this girl?

 

How far is distance between you?

 

Have you video chatted with her?

 

How old are both of you?

[d0nnivain]

You can have a long distance relationship. This isn't that. This is a virtual relationship because you have never met. I don't see the allure but others here on LS whose opinions I trust & respect say they can be very addicting. The problem is you don't actually know this woman. You know who you think she is because your brain supplied the most attractive possibilities when you fill in the blanks.

 

She has realized you are too invested but she's done with this fantasy. Unless you can actually meet & then have an LDR, this is not real & it's best to let it go. Find a nice local girl.

[basil67]

I disagree regarding not being able to have a serious relationship online. Long distance relationships are certainly a thing and i'm comfortable with being in love with someone i haven't met.

 

Just make sure you remember that she doesn't share your opinion - as is her prerogative.

[JamesDaniels123]

She's trying to let you down gently, OP.

 

She isn't. I asked her if she wants to stop talking and she said no. (Edit: actually she said she doesn't want to stop talking before i asked. I even asked if she wants to be friends and she said no.) I asked if she is trying to let me down slowly and she said no. She's messaging first, it's not like she's trying to shake me off, honestly.

 

As for her not being comfortable with "I love you", she said it first, and then we agreed we weren't ready to say it. Then she accidentally said it one night before bed. Both times she said it first and since then we have agreed to say it because of how we feel for one another.

 

She says she isn't keeping her options open for local guys, but I do agree that i'm going to have a hard time letting go if and when time comes.

[JamesDaniels123]

BTW, crying is not an indicator that she cares, it could be stress, frustration, feeling cornered, anything.

 

Can't disagree with that, nor really with what else you said.

[JamesDaniels123]

How did you meet this girl?

 

How far is distance between you?

 

Have you video chatted with her?

 

How old are both of you?

 

We met on a dating site (i had my location to hers for fun because american girls are honestly more open minded and interesting to talk to. I didn't anticipate this, but i was open to it as i've had a somewhat successful LDR (two years, but most of that we spent together in person) before).

 

She lives in California, I live in England lol

 

Yes, we video chat near enough every night and it's really enjoyable. I sense a connection between us that i am confident would be amplified if we were in person. We just "click". Lots of giggling, staring at one another, compliments, shyness etc. Neither of us ever want to leave the call and she stays up very late talking to me (as do i), often until she falls asleep. I'm quite sure that our "chemistry" is the reason she is still talking to me, as she said right at the beginning that she's not really interested in an LDR. I mentioned that to her yesterday and she said "I know, but i'm being open minded and this is working well". I think she's impressed with how well we work and wants to wait it out so we can meet.

 

As the first line of my post states, i'm 22, she's 21.

[JamesDaniels123]

Just make sure you remember that she doesn't share your opinion - as is her prerogative.

 

Yes you are right, but she IS comfortable with whatever we have going on right now. I don't see an issue with that. I'm not particularly bothered about wanting to be "in a relationship". If I enjoy talking to this girl (more than i would talking to someone local) then that's great imo!

[JamesDaniels123]

To everyone who has commented thus far: thank you for the support and advice.

 

I agree with all of you who are advising me to stop talking to her. At this point I could move on fairly quickly and could see myself being happy talking to someone else (locally) within a few months, but this girl is something special and i'd be a fool not to pursue this, despite the odds and the distance.

 

Obviously you're all welcome to continue commenting, but right now my mind is set on trying to make this work. She's an amazing girl and she makes me feel incredible. I can't imagine what it would be like to spend time with her in person and I will do what I can (within obvious reason) to make that happen. That said, if my trust takes another big dip (she did a lot of reassuring last night, she definitely cares about me and us), I will be walking away for my own sake. I'll be open to talking to her in the future, perhaps nearer the time when we would be able to meet.

 

Thanks all.

[justwhoiam]

So how's it going? Still talking to each other?

 

You can have a long distance relationship. This isn't that. This is a virtual relationship

That's the essence, in a nutshell.

 

At 21, things might evolve pretty quickly. I assume she's studying in uni. It makes sense she doesn't want any kind of interference. If she's pretty, guys might be hitting on her by the dozens. Especially if she's also sweet, on top of everything. You don't push for a relationship before meeting, so that's very wise of her.

 

Yes, she doesn't want to let you go. Not yet, at least. Why should she?

You made this possible. You gush after her from far away, give her your attention and compliments, and some spice. You make her feel desired, and she might love your accent. But what happens the moment you show your cold side? That's what you want to know. Would she put effort in to get you back? How much of it? Or would she just let it go? I suggest you don't test that, since you don't want to lose her before even meeting her in person. She must be enjoying the way she feels from being in touch with you. Is there any potential though? Hard to say for now.

 

I say arrange a trip in March/April.

 

Also, any chance she's coming to the UK for some uni exchang/trip? Maybe she's keeping it up to have someone local for when she will be there. Who knows.

[I'veseenbetterlol]

It seems to me that what you have right now is essentially an online friendship, not a romantic relationship. And this, is not what you want from this girl.

 

I will say this, as I have learned from experience... When someone tells you that are not ready or don't want a relationship, believe them. Don't waste time and energy hoping that they will change their minds. Go about your life, if and when she is ready for more - well, then she can let you know.

 

Yes move on, I've had quite a few guys tell me this and all that was an excuse w/out having to reject me.