Potential Divorce with small kids

[road]

Hi Cautiously, I think that was a bit unfair. If the OP was looking to get an excuse to cheat or leave the marriage he would NOT have come to a forum like this one to vent and ask for advice. He would have just gone ahead and done what he wanted to do and would not need inputs from strangers for it. He did appreciate Elaine's summation of his situation so he is looking for answers and solutions.

 

I am also wondering why the ladies on the forum have all jumped to the defence and justification of the wife while totally ignoring the discomfort that the OP is feeling. None of the ladies has given him something to work with except Elaine. My point here is that the OP is also in this marriage and while his wife may be the principal care giver for the children, I think the OP too, would be pulling his weight with sharing her responsibilities. The very fact that she was able to go off on a trip with her girlfriends for the weekend leaving him alone with the two small kids speaks volumes about his commitment to the marriage and to his responsibility as a father. I think his going to the airport to receive his wife was a very thoughtful gesture. Any man planning to cheat or walk out of his marriage imminently, would just not have bothered.I also think his wife's reaction to her little daughter lying on the floor and displaying some childish tantrums, was rather churlish. She did not show any appreciation for the gesture but turned it around on the OP and made him feel as if he had done something wrong. If you cannot handle having kids then be like Recent Change or Soulmate or the other ladies on here who are emphatic about their desire not to have them. You cannot have your cake and eat it too. I think the OP is right about the way he feels and his wife's behaviour must be something intolerable for him to be considering divorce. Of course there is also the possibility that she is actually cheating, in which case the end result, as far as he is concerned, is the same. OP what does your gut tell you? If you have a gut feel that something is fishy, then investigate as some others have suggested and find out the truth for yourself. Warm wishes.

 

Remember, the gut is never wrong. One should always trust

their gut.

[road]

Hi Cautiously, I think that was a bit unfair. If the OP was looking to get an excuse to cheat or leave the marriage he would NOT have come to a forum like this one to vent and ask for advice. He would have just gone ahead and done what he wanted to do and would not need inputs from strangers for it. He did appreciate Elaine's summation of his situation so he is looking for answers and solutions.

 

I am also wondering why the ladies on the forum have all jumped to the defence and justification of the wife while totally ignoring the discomfort that the OP is feeling. None of the ladies has given him something to work with except Elaine. My point here is that the OP is also in this marriage and while his wife may be the principal care giver for the children, I think the OP too, would be pulling his weight with sharing her responsibilities. The very fact that she was able to go off on a trip with her girlfriends for the weekend leaving him alone with the two small kids speaks volumes about his commitment to the marriage and to his responsibility as a father. I think his going to the airport to receive his wife was a very thoughtful gesture. Any man planning to cheat or walk out of his marriage imminently, would just not have bothered.I also think his wife's reaction to her little daughter lying on the floor and displaying some childish tantrums, was rather churlish. She did not show any appreciation for the gesture but turned it around on the OP and made him feel as if he had done something wrong. If you cannot handle having kids then be like Recent Change or Soulmate or the other ladies on here who are emphatic about their desire not to have them. You cannot have your cake and eat it too. I think the OP is right about the way he feels and his wife's behaviour must be something intolerable for him to be considering divorce. Of course there is also the possibility that she is actually cheating, in which case the end result, as far as he is concerned, is the same. OP what does your gut tell you? If you have a gut feel that something is fishy, then investigate as some others have suggested and find out the truth for yourself. Warm wishes.

 

Remember, the gut is never wrong. One should always trust

their gut.

[littleblackheart]

My wife says to me "back to reality" and was mad at me that I came to the airport. She says I should have known that my daughter would not be able to handle it.

 

Is your youngest prone to meltdowns in public? I ask because when my son was younger, he'd regularly have meltdowns in public places (different to tantrums - he's Aspergers, but that's another issue): supermarkets, train stations, restaurants, airports, ..., we had them all. As a result, I'd make a conscious effort to bring those outings to an absolute minimum because I knew he'd struggle to cope.

 

This doesn't negate your kind gesture for sure, and maybe your wife should have shown more patience and kindness under the circumstances - I was just wondering whether there may have been a hint of truth to what she was saying.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Hi Cautiously, I think that was a bit unfair. If the OP was looking to get an excuse to cheat or leave the marriage he would NOT have come to a forum like this one to vent and ask for advice. He would have just gone ahead and done what he wanted to do and would not need inputs from strangers for it. He did appreciate Elaine's summation of his situation so he is looking for answers and solutions.

 

I am also wondering why the ladies on the forum have all jumped to the defence and justification of the wife while totally ignoring the discomfort that the OP is feeling. None of the ladies has given him something to work with except Elaine. My point here is that the OP is also in this marriage and while his wife may be the principal care giver for the children, I think the OP too, would be pulling his weight with sharing her responsibilities. The very fact that she was able to go off on a trip with her girlfriends for the weekend leaving him alone with the two small kids speaks volumes about his commitment to the marriage and to his responsibility as a father. I think his going to the airport to receive his wife was a very thoughtful gesture. Any man planning to cheat or walk out of his marriage imminently, would just not have bothered.I also think his wife's reaction to her little daughter lying on the floor and displaying some childish tantrums, was rather churlish. She did not show any appreciation for the gesture but turned it around on the OP and made him feel as if he had done something wrong. If you cannot handle having kids then be like Recent Change or Soulmate or the other ladies on here who are emphatic about their desire not to have them. You cannot have your cake and eat it too. I think the OP is right about the way he feels and his wife's behaviour must be something intolerable for him to be considering divorce. Of course there is also the possibility that she is actually cheating, in which case the end result, as far as he is concerned, is the same. OP what does your gut tell you? If you have a gut feel that something is fishy, then investigate as some others have suggested and find out the truth for yourself. Warm wishes.

 

There would be plenty of women willing to offer more insight, but OP has not answered questions asked of him, such as whether or not his wife is a stay at home mom. He's provided very little information/examples other than the airport scenario.

 

As far as her being ungrateful for him arriving to pick her up, I did say she could have handled it better. But, I'm also trying to play devil's advocate because I've been a mother of small children and I often got exasperated and I'm not a fan of not being notified of a change in plans. We have no idea why she acted the way she did at the surprise pick-up. Maybe, like another poster asked, her younger child is prone to tantrums in public places. Maybe it took OP a 3 hour car ride to get to the airport and that's a really long time to have children in a car. Or they arrived too early and the wait for her to come out was extraordinarily long and 3 year old reached her limit. Maybe mom was really looking forward to opening her front door and having 2 happy kids run into her arms, and instead she was greeted with a tantrum. I'm not excusing her behavior, just offering some understanding for why it may have exasperated her.

 

OP hasn't given us much to go on here.

 

My gut says neither one of these people are cheating, but mom is high strung, Type A, and this is a phase of her life that is difficult for her and she's taking her frustrations out on those around her. She could use some help with coping skills, and possibly more (we have no clue what their day to day life is like....maybe she's actually a very busy working mom and a cleaning lady would help, for example). I think Dad wasn't prepared for his wife to change so negatively when kids came in the mix and isn't really trying to understand the whys of her acting the way she does and just wants his happy, calm wife back. This is my gut.

[standtall]

Women with minor children seldom get divorced unless it's

 

1. Drug/alcohol abuse by either.

2. Mental issues by either.

3. Third party involvement by either.

4. Physical/emotional abuse by him. Emotional abuse would include emotional abandonment...too much xbox, work, hobbies...whatever.

 

This list ain't everything, but it covers the vast majority. Pick you poison.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Cautious, I agree that the OP needs to come back and give more details about the circumstances surrounding his marriage, whether he and his wife have ever sat down and discussed the reasons why she has developed a short fuse, whether she is suffering from post partum depression or whether she is suffering from any other form of mental illness. He should also give us some details of how he contributes to the family responsibilities apart from the fact that he works a nine to five job or whatever. He should let us know whether his wife works and if so, what are the arrangements made for the kids during the work day. I guess the whole story has to be filled out to get some meat on it before complete strangers can comment on it.

 

My only point about your post was where you said that the OP was probably a possible cheater and was looking out for some excuse or justification to get out of the marriage. On an anonymous forum like this one, no one can be certain of a poster's intention when he or she posts here asking for advice on how to handle a problem being faced by them. If the OP is, indeed, cheating or intending to, the forum members would be hard put to discern that fact unless he gives some hints. From what I have read here it seems he is genuinely in trouble with his wife's behaviour and needs the help and guidance of experienced forum members to help him out. Just saying. Warm wishes.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

<snip>

 

My only point about your post was where you said that the OP was probably a possible cheater and was looking out for some excuse or justification to get out of the marriage. On an anonymous forum like this one, no one can be certain of a poster's intention when he or she posts here asking for advice on how to handle a problem being faced by them. If the OP is, indeed, cheating or intending to, the forum members would be hard put to discern that fact unless he gives some hints. From what I have read here it seems he is genuinely in trouble with his wife's behaviour and needs the help and guidance of experienced forum members to help him out. Just saying. Warm wishes.

 

Actually, I said IF anyone was cheating in this scenario it would be more likely to be him in my opinion. I said that with my cranky pants on after it was implied I know nothing about infidelity and being annoyed that folks think a grumpy mom on a girls trip must be cheating . (I apologize.) I don't think either one of them IS cheating, but if we were told one of them was and we had to choose to save our lives, my bet would be on the man in this situation. Thank the good Lord we are not in that situation .

Edited October 30, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Truncate quote

[BluesPower]

Some of her attitude is suspicious...

 

OP, do you know the girls that she went out of town with?

 

Were any of the other girls getting off the airplane with her?

 

Have you checked your phone bill? In detail???

 

I would like all of these questions answered???

[stillafool]

I would think that after your wife had been away on holiday with her friends the first people she could not wait to see would be her kids. Interesting.

[elaine567]

I would think that after your wife had been away on holiday with her friends the first people she could not wait to see would be her kids. Interesting.

 

My guess is she is burnt out and a kid having a tantrum was the very last thing she wanted to see and deal with, as soon as she stepped off that plane.

She thought she was going on a nice peaceful train journey, not have to pick up a screaming child off the floor and try to soothe it for the whole way back in the car.

Yes, it may be considered a nice thing to do, but she probably thinks he only picked her up to reduce the time he had to spend with the kids on his own... Mummy's back... phew!

 

Nice things are only nice if the person you are doing them for thinks they are nice, otherwise they are not seen as "nice".

[ayoung73]

What have you done to work through this?

Have you gone to counseling?

Couples counseling?

Have you talked with her about the negativity?

Have you talked with her about your inability to deal with the attitude any longer?

 

Your narrative doesn’t provide enough information. It is a difficult situation, it sounds long-term, it sounds as if she’s unwilling to work through this or to respect your feelings or responsibility in raising the kids. Get professional help, go see a counselor, talk to her, tell her how you feel and what you need to be successful and what she needs to do in order to be a successful team!

[grassisorisntgreener]

My guess is she is burnt out and a kid having a tantrum was the very last thing she wanted to see and deal with, as soon as she stepped off that plane.

She thought she was going on a nice peaceful train journey, not have to pick up a screaming child off the floor and try to soothe it for the whole way back in the car.

Yes, it may be considered a nice thing to do, but she probably thinks he only picked her up to reduce the time he had to spend with the kids on his own... Mummy's back... phew!

 

Nice things are only nice if the person you are doing them for thinks they are nice, otherwise they are not seen as "nice".

 

Spot on. If I went away for a weekend with the girls, I would be EXCITED to see my kids...however if my husband was waiting with them screaming as I stepped off the plane, I'd be annoyed and feel like he was just trying to pass them off asap.

[TheWoman]

Im with the ladies above too...

 

We all love our kids and treasure it for the most part, but tantrums on airport floors are not one of those treasured moments. That is the moment when you're thinking 'why did i do this to my life...'

 

And when you thought you had a peaceful train or taxi trip ahead where you could readjust back to being mummy again, and instead bang... kid screaming on airport floor. Surprise!

 

Well I could see a a little sharpness slipping out... Not excusing it, but we're all just human (and potentially hungover from girls weekend) and well you can see where it might have gone wrong.

[BarbedFenceRider]

I see a bunch of good posts here. But as I have recently been pointed out to...When Blues steps in, it's gonna get real! ROFL!!!

Seriously though, I found myself in similar situations as you are a third party to the child rearing parade and you seek validation for your participation. We as men grind on with work, and house hold chores while your wife is the referee and wet nurse to the small ones. I get it. We see this and to seek approval from our SOs, we try to pick up the pace and alleviate some of the stress. Good on you. But life being what it is, our gold medal will be long in the coming and we feel "left out" and in your case I gather "un-appreciated."

For me, I reminded my wife of these items. And rightly so, so she can see her side of the equation was appreciated. When it fell upon deaf ears, I simply retreated to being the worker bee and father to my children. Call it passive aggressive or whatever, she took notice and we had a good discussion. Not even a fight! I think you guys are doing fine as a family unit, but she does need to acknowledge your effort and offer some time for you as a husband. It will come. It takes big cahones to raise little ones and keep a household. You guys are super heros. But even super heros can feel low sometimes and it's good that your are addressing this. Best of luck.

[todd18us]

People have described the situation well. That was just one example of her behavior of being mean for no reason. I am just tired of the negative moodie wife. She gave me no indication she would ever behave this way prior to kids. Even like this for five years now. Just tired. I like positivity.

[LivingWaterPlease]

People keep saying "automatically assume she's having an affair".

 

I didn't say that. But she is showing signs of it. And it does bear investigating. He may find nothing. But if he doesn't even look into it, and then a year later he finds out....

 

 

I do believe she's showing signs of at least being ripe for an affair if she isn't having one. I'm writing this based on what I've observed IRL, not what I've read on LS.

 

I have seen a lot of some moms' girl's nights out and girl's weekends taking place before some women have an affair. No, I am not saying girl's night out is a sign a woman is ramping up for an affair. And I have seen different flavors of girl's nights out, too. So that alone does not mean an affair is happening.

 

But, connect these things together 1. a woman getting snappy and hard to live with 2. going off for the weekend with friends rather than going with husband or family 3. being irritated with husband for meeting her at the airport with children after having been away from them for several days. Something isn't right here even if an affair is not happening right now. This is not the behavior of a woman who is just exhausted from the duties of motherhood!

 

I would say not being excited to see husband and children after being away from them for a weekend or more is a big red flag. I have been a stay at home mom who felt I needed time away from my kids who were "wearing me out" and I can tell you that when I came home from just a day of being away from them I was eager to see them.

 

I have also seen a lot of what you describe these days with wives/mothers taking girls' weekends away and some of those marriages breaking up due to infidelity on the wife's part.

 

In your wife's behavior that you described are red flags and they are to the extent that you have considered divorce or why would you write that you don't want to be away from your children 50% of the time?

 

It follows that if your wife is behaving in the above ways to the point where you're thinking of divorce chances are high that she is also disconnected from you=fertile grounds for having an affair. Add to that she has the means though she is relatively young, to fly off for a weekend with the girls, and to me, it seems she may be the type of woman who feels entitled to have an affair. NOT saying she has done it, but I believe she is showing signs of being ripe for it if she hasn't done it. Based on what you have written she is not on a healthy trajectory for being a stable wife and mom.

 

Right now in my own family there is a woman who was behaving just as you described. Several years before it happened I began to expect an affair was going to happen sooner or later. Yep. It did. Again, it seems to me what you describe is not healthy behavior for a wife and mom.

Edited November 12, 2017 by LivingWaterPlease

[Just a Guy]

Hi Folks, if a husband and wife have decided to have kids then I guess they have to be prepared for the whole nine yards. Kids will throw tantrums, it comes with the package. A father or mother cannot turn around after the fact of their birth and expect to have a smooth ride, especially when the kids are a certain age. If one was not prepared to put up with kids tantrums then one should not have had them in the first place. Also, let's be realistic. Once one has decided to become a parent one is a parent 24*7 and except when one is away on holiday away from their kids they have to handle whatever problems their kids throw up with equanimity. There is no switch on switch off parenthood.

 

With that said I would also say that the husband's gesture in giving his wife a surprise at the airport to pick her up meaning it to be a 'nice' gesture remains one whether the wife thinks it is or is not. If she is a surly person nothing will ever be nice for her. As Living water and GoldenR have suggested it speaks more to her intent to dissociate from her husband and family rather than the gesture being nice or not in her eyes. If she HSS checked out of the marriage and parenthood then she should make her intent clear to her husband and walk NOT cheat. Just some thoughts. Best wishes.