[If reconciled] What did the affair cost you?

[wmacbride]

This is a question for ws. It's for myself, but also a general interest.

 

If you have been a ws who reconciled with your spouse, what "price" do you feel they paid for your affair?

 

What did it cost you?

 

If you are a bs, what price did you pay? Did any good come from it? Was it worth it?

 

For myself, in all honesty, there was some good that came from it. Sometimes, that's the best you can do in a crappy situation.

 

While I don't think that his A and the fallout was a fair price to pay, at least some good came from it. I know my husband was in a lot of emotional pain at the time, and as someone who has been lucky enough to never have gone through what he has, I can't begin to understand what it was like for him back then.

 

I guess it come down to taking lemons and making lemonade. Take the bad and find the good.

 

For what his A cost me? It's been about ten years later, and for the most part, things are really good between us. Not perfect, but really good. I can't say I trust him 100%, as I don't and never will again...but I do trust him more than anyone else. We will never have that "innocent" kind of love we used to.

[jnel921]

For those who decide not to reconcile then the cost is their M.

 

For those of us who do, there is no cost. Its time spent earning the things that were lost. Falling in genuine love again. Hopefully like me and yourself you recover and things are better than ever.

[wmacbride]

For those who decide not to reconcile then the cost is their M.

 

For those of us who do, there is no cost. Its time spent earning the things that were lost. Falling in genuine love again. Hopefully like me and yourself you recover and things are better than ever.

 

You are right.

 

I've been thinking about this for a while, not because I am in a bad place, but because I sometimes wonder what I lost.

 

That innocent love was wonderful, and I will never, ever have that again. I simply can not trust anyone...except myself, and that's the one person who I can usually trust to screw up;):laugh::laugh:

 

I asked my husband about this last night. He explained that he feels like he will never be the guy who he thought he was. From what he says, in his mind, he will always be the one who cheated and the one who hurt me and our children for no real reason. He said it will always bother him to know he let us down.

[road]

Costs:

 

The elephant in the room that everyone ignores.

 

The paranoia from time to time.

 

How much is the paranoia due to what happened,

or because of being trickle truthed and not knowing

ninety nine percent of what happened and the wife

refusing to fill in the missing pieces.

[Betrayed&Stayed]

I think this article sums it up pretty well.

 

https://www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founder/cost-of-forgiving-infidelity

 

"Staying and coping with infidelity meant sacrificing the ability to be honest with family. He couldn’t share his struggles, for fear of more complications. To stay would cost him pride. He’d always believed people who stayed were too weak to leave. To stay would cost his self-respect. He couldn’t believe things he’d said and done in his fits of rage. It would be so much easier to be away from her and not be triggered by her presence. To forgive seemed to make a mockery of all he’d sacrificed for the sake of their marriage. Instead of being proud of what he and Sandra had built, he now felt he’d been played the fool and taken advantage of."

...

 

• It costs their dignity when they choose to stay rather than leave.
  
• It costs them their just due when they choose to forgo justice for the sake of the relationship.
  
• It costs them their sanity because they don’t control the painful thoughts invading their mind. Their present-day reality is constantly interrupted with painful memories of the past.
  
• It costs them their dreams because this road isn’t one they’d ever planned on traveling.
  
• It costs them health because the pain of the offense consumes their life.
  

 

 

For me, it's all of these things plus

- I can't watch movies that involve infidelity

- I no longer enjoy love songs on the radio

- I use to love golf but I haven't played or watch any golf in 9 years

- The holiday season is one of depression, not joy

- I'm cynical when it comes to weddings and marriage vows (rarely attend weddings)

- Although I now feel that our marriage is strong and authentic, it is still "lesser than" due to her affair

[TrustedthenBusted]

It cost me exactly one pair of rose colored glasses.

[Love and Marriage]

I was married for 24 years. About 15 years into the marriage he had an affair that lasted for about a year before I found out. We did marriage counciling....didn’t really help us though. I choose to stay and try to work things out mostly due to having kids. It turns out that he has actually had several affairs.

His infidelity and continued stress cost me being a better parent. It’s made me more suspicious of everything. It cost me a lot financially. It cost me my feeling of protection and security. It cost me 15 years of my life!

The best gifts I’ve received are my beautiful children and for them I’ll always be grateful. I’ve raised them to be financially independent, strong, kind, and to give back to their community.

[dichotomy]

 

If you are a bs, what price did you pay? Did any good come from it? Was it worth it?

 

 

There was never any full reconciliation - we(I) just stayed together. I suppose that sums of the price I paid.

 

I made the "least worst" choice to stay for kids and lifestyle- don't regret this choice - would do it all again.

 

I am also in a very low sex (quantity and quality) marriage now - cant say for sure if thats due to affair or just normal marriage issues everyone faces - but the rest of the marriage (functional parts other than sex) has improved alot since dDay. She is more level headed, responsible, better mom and housemate then before. Maybe taming her and getting her emotionally healthy/stable - killed her sex drive

 

The whole thing also spurred me to improve myself, to expand who I am and can be. I am more well rounded and a stronger man. Also with that came a bit of coldness and cynical view on love/sex/relationships/cheating - but I needed this as well as I was to idealistic/boy scout/beta male at the time.

Edited December 10, 2017 by dichotomy

[Mycatsnuggles]

The cost was high. I hurt a man who is kind to everyone, I do not deserve his grace but he has given it to me.

 

I would not attribute the benefits to the affair, rather almost losing each other reignited our love. I had forgotten he was my best friend, the one who would always be there to support me. We had fallen into anger and resentment. The shock of separation, seeing him dating, losing my family, and finally a personal tragedy brought the changes to both of us our relationship needed. We did not reunite lightly. We dated for 3 years, part of it in secret in case we did not work out. I had a secret affair with my husband. A thrilling and wonderful time that allowed us to explore who we were and who we wanted to be going forward. We choose each other all over again.

 

Our marriage is better because of the separation, not the affair.

[road]

The cost was high. I hurt a man who is kind to everyone, I do not deserve his grace but he has given it to me.

 

I would not attribute the benefits to the affair, rather almost losing each other reignited our love. I had forgotten he was my best friend, the one who would always be there to support me. We had fallen into anger and resentment. The shock of separation, seeing him dating, losing my family, and finally a personal tragedy brought the changes to both of us our relationship needed. We did not reunite lightly. We dated for 3 years, part of it in secret in case we did not work out. I had a secret affair with my husband. A thrilling and wonderful time that allowed us to explore who we were and who we wanted to be going forward. We choose each other all over again.

 

Our marriage is better because of the separation, not the affair.

 

Separating did not make you recover the marriage. Willing

to do the work and desire was there.

[wmacbride]

I was married for 24 years. About 15 years into the marriage he had an affair that lasted for about a year before I found out. We did marriage counciling....didn’t really help us though. I choose to stay and try to work things out mostly due to having kids. It turns out that he has actually had several affairs.

His infidelity and continued stress cost me being a better parent. It’s made me more suspicious of everything. It cost me a lot financially. It cost me my feeling of protection and security. It cost me 15 years of my life!

The best gifts I’ve received are my beautiful children and for them I’ll always be grateful. I’ve raised them to be financially independent, strong, kind, and to give back to their community.

 

It sounds like you have given them a strong foundation. That is one of the best gifts a parent can give a child.

[waterwoman]

Over the last 5 years there have been times I felt as if everything had been ripped away from me, my self-respect, my self-confidence, my emotional security, my self-image were all shot. It hurt so much and I wondered so many times whether this was worth the pain.

 

Now, 5 years and almost exactly 6 months down the line, I feel as if it has taken nothing from me, in fact it has given me so much. I used to think the affair, or to be more exact, the recovery from the affair, helped our marriage. Now I realised it helped ME as well. I think I was forced to reassess myself, my needs, my goals and I like me a lot more than I have ever done. I am happier, more confident, more open, more popular and busier than I have ever been. H has responded to the new person I am and is more loving, more supportive, and more confident of my love for him. He never stops telling me how proud he is of me. I look back at the woman I was and I feel so sorry for her.

 

I was a mouse of a person, I wanted to enjoy life but I was always afraid to step too far from my comfort zone. The affair kicked me out of my comfort zone and I had to learn to enjoy it. I love my H very much but if he leaves me I will be heartbroken for a while but I will be OK. No-one can hurt me the same way again because I don't need anyone the same way. But he won't - I am 100% sure that he won't because right now he couldn't find anyone he loves or wants to be with more than me.

[wmacbride]

Over the last 5 years there have been times I felt as if everything had been ripped away from me, my self-respect, my self-confidence, my emotional security, my self-image were all shot. It hurt so much and I wondered so many times whether this was worth the pain.

 

Now, 5 years and almost exactly 6 months down the line, I feel as if it has taken nothing from me, in fact it has given me so much. I used to think the affair, or to be more exact, the recovery from the affair, helped our marriage. Now I realised it helped ME as well. I think I was forced to reassess myself, my needs, my goals and I like me a lot more than I have ever done. I am happier, more confident, more open, more popular and busier than I have ever been. H has responded to the new person I am and is more loving, more supportive, and more confident of my love for him. He never stops telling me how proud he is of me. I look back at the woman I was and I feel so sorry for her.

 

I was a mouse of a person, I wanted to enjoy life but I was always afraid to step too far from my comfort zone. The affair kicked me out of my comfort zone and I had to learn to enjoy it. I love my H very much but if he leaves me I will be heartbroken for a while but I will be OK. No-one can hurt me the same way again because I don't need anyone the same way. But he won't - I am 100% sure that he won't because right now he couldn't find anyone he loves or wants to be with more than me.

 

I can't give this post enough likes.

[Arieswoman]

jnel921, post #2,

 

For those who decide not to reconcile then the cost is their M.

 

for the cheating partner, if was a marriage they didn't respect so no loss to them

[merrmeade]

I asked my husband about this last night. He explained that he feels like he will never be the guy who he thought he was. From what he says, in his mind, he will always be the one who cheated and the one who hurt me and our children for no real reason. He said it will always bother him to know he let us down.

Not being able to do this ^^^ is one thing it cost me. I hardly ever refer to it with him any more - even though I think about it constantly and am always figuring out a new realization. But then we're talking about multiple affairs over a decades-long marriage. And I guess that is a big difference. You're talking about how the one affair and aftermath affected you and my case is continuous re-processing of my past. I don't ask him to help me any more because he can't do it in a helpful way. He IS, however, able to give me a sincere, humble, kind of all-embracing apology and wish to make it up to me, and this reminds me of it. I should make that much possible at least. It makes me stew less.

 

But I think how you ended your recent conversation is indicative of a really remarkable outcome right there. You can both reflect together on those events. He does not react to your asking and is strong enough to say again that he's the one who cheated, let you down and hurt his family for no good reason. AND he shares with you that it will always be on the forefront of his mind. That's huge, and, personally, I think something to really hang onto as a boost and sign of even better things to come. This seems to me to be a man who's truly changed and gained deep insight. I doubt if it's that common.

[road]

Not being able to do this ^^^ is one thing it cost me. I hardly ever refer to it with him any more - even though I think about it constantly and am always figuring out a new realization. But then we're talking about multiple affairs over a decades-long marriage. And I guess that is a big difference. You're talking about how the one affair and aftermath affected you and my case is continuous re-processing of my past. I don't ask him to help me any more because he can't do it in a helpful way. He IS, however, able to give me a sincere, humble, kind of all-embracing apology and wish to make it up to me, and this reminds me of it. I should make that much possible at least. It makes me stew less.

 

But I think how you ended your recent conversation is indicative of a really remarkable outcome right there. You can both reflect together on those events. He does not react to your asking and is strong enough to say again that he's the one who cheated, let you down and hurt his family for no good reason. AND he shares with you that it will always be on the forefront of his mind. That's huge, and, personally, I think something to really hang onto as a boost and sign of even better things to come. This seems to me to be a man who's truly changed and gained deep insight. I doubt if it's that common.

 

Merrmeade, I do not remember your story. I assume your are

the BW.

 

If you have a FWH that owns what he did and is now being

the husband that you want. All you have to do is follow Ann

Landers advice; would your life be better with him or without

him.

 

I assume you felt it is better with them after you weighed out

the advantages and the disadvantages. What has been done

can not be undone. So when you trigger about the past the

best thing for you to do is say; well our ship almost sunk but

we managed to keep it afloat and get her into dry dock and

make the repairs.

 

See, you never will forget that the ship hit the reef. Though

every time you trigger it is better to quickly move the

thoughts over being happy that you got your ship saved.

[merrmeade]

Merrmeade, I do not remember your story. I assume your are

the BW.

 

If you have a FWH that owns what he did and is now being

the husband that you want. All you have to do is follow Ann

Landers advice; would your life be better with him or without

him.

 

I assume you felt it is better with them after you weighed out

the advantages and the disadvantages. What has been done

can not be undone. So when you trigger about the past the

best thing for you to do is say; well our ship almost sunk but

we managed to keep it afloat and get her into dry dock and

make the repairs.

 

See, you never will forget that the ship hit the reef. Though

every time you trigger it is better to quickly move the

thoughts over being happy that you got your ship saved.

That's so nice. I'm not much of a sailor though and don't mind that our vessel is in a permanent state of repair. The holes are still there. We can paint over them. Maybe even stick a few potted plants in some of them. it's quite welcoming where it is. (I think we can call that metaphor done.)

 

It also feels like some kind of hallmark that my story no longer defines me.

[road]

If the holes are still there then the recovery work

was not done. Painting over a hole never repairs the

hole.

 

Though taking out the damaged wood and putting in

new wood is the only way to repair the damage.

 

Yes after a paint job the location of where the were

may still be seen though the holes themselves will be

gone.

 

Just as in recovering a marriage how it got broken

will never be forgotten. Though one can learn to not

dwell on that it did happen.