[The legacy of] Infidelity 5 years later [after reconciliation]

[jnel921]

Hello Everyone,

 

This month marks the 5 year mark of D-Day and the decision to reconcile with my H. It's the recovery time that everyone here talks about when considering it.

 

For this who know me and my story it was a little over 5 years ago when I posted this thread http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/352488-my-husband-lied-broke-us. It would be a time that would change my life. And now I can say it was for the better! 5 years have truly flown by.

 

So for everyone out there who is reading this and are still hurting and who maybe just found out, please know that there is hope at the end of the road. For 2 people who are truly willing to work on their M things can and do get better.

 

Since D-Day we have built a stronger relationship and M. I have to say my H is forever remorseful for the amount of hurt that he caused me. The A isn't anything that we incorporate into our conversations anymore.

 

We finally talked to our adult children this year about what happened. Only to explain how the strength and determination of love is possible. How we wanted them to be happy in their own relationships. My D took it a little harder however she isn't exactly the most faithful person in her relationships which is one of the reasons it was important to talk to her especially.

 

My H has been loving and supportive with everything we have going on at home and always has my back and honestly I don't question his fidelity anymore.We have spent so much time and have created so many wonderful memories and are now turning into a new chapter in our lives as we are now heading into our 50's. So yes, time does help and the work you put into the M will heal most of the hurt. Of course we don't forget but this situation did make our M even better.

 

So if you are working on or thinking about R. Know that with love and commitment it can work. Good luck to everyone here. Big hugs to you all because I know its not easy. But we did it!

[carhill]

Congratulations on your recovery.

 

Since it appears you've been married many years, does today seem like a new marriage to you? I've heard that from couples who successfully reconcile. It's like they accept the past, place it in the past and move on like a couple who divorces does, except they don't divorce and remain together and effectively 'start over'.

 

From reading your other thread, it sounds like you both went through a lot so your recovery should be heartening for those who think they are alone in their challenges.

 

It takes two and good on ya for being one of those successes.

[jnel921]

Thanks Carhill,

 

It was a difficult road. It did take a lot of acceptance and realization that nothing would be perfect. I think when we marry we expect that and when something like this happens it brings your world to a complete standstill.

 

Of course staying together takes two willing people who are committed to doing the work. It was hard for me. From my posts you will see it took me some years to even say the words I love you again.

 

He made me fall in love again. He was a new man and I was a wiser person. At first I felt like a fool which I am sure other people here may be feeling but then that feeling was gone as soon as I realized I would be a bigger fool not to recognize and appreciate the remorse and love that was coming from my H.

 

He stills feels bad until this very day. It’s almost like he can’t believe he did that to me and always wishes he could turn back time. But I don’t. I am happy we went through this. It made us closer and helped us to treat outlet M and each other differently. I really love that man. He is the best!

[seren]

So lovely to read a happy reconciliation story. Me and H are 10 years on from D Day and like you and your man, we are in such a great place in our lives. No, we don't forget the past, but we have dealt with it and it will always be a scar in our 30+ years relationship, however, the scar is more like a silvery mark than the raw, angry wound it once was. Like you and your H we took a good hard look at what our relationship and marriage had become and we decided that we needed to change for us to go forward.

 

I was medically retired from a job that earned me a lot of money, but meant I put long hours and trips away before our marriage, I was planning for our future and had taken my eye of the present. Illness forced me to stop working. H has and is still having counselling for PTSD and Combat stress which had a huge part to play in his infidelity. What with my illness and his experiences of War, he felt not good enough and the nature of the affair reflected this.

 

The hardest part for me is watching him still shoulder the burden of blame he places on himself, it is tangled up with his time in Iraq, but we work on it together. Our life has changed so, so much. We live simpler, we have less dosh but far happier and we get to spend every evening and night together, a luxury when you are in the military. We have always loved, but we take time just for us. We never planned the future, we just lived each day, now we have plans and they are our plans, not just me making them as he was so caught up in military life.

 

Reconciliation was hard, the raw pain of betrayal was like nothing I have ever experienced and I have experienced a lot. That moment when it flashes through your mind that the love we have could have been lost if we had decided to walk away and the feeling of joy when you realise that a marriage that has beaten the storm of an affair can weather just about anything and is testament to how strong our love and like was for each other.

 

I have a chronic illness, H is my carer as well as my lover and friend, I would be lost without him and he me. I remember when making my decision to stay, balancing the what if I left or what if I stay questions. I realised that despite hating the affair I still loved the bones of this man. I would never have loved someone as much or liked someone as much. We share so much and we and us are part and parcel of each of us. I cannot imagine my life without him in it, nor he me. I often wonder what our relationship would look like without the affair and think it is pointless, it is was it is and right now it is the best.

 

I am super glad to read your post, maybe those who have discovered infidelity need to read that reconciling isn't settling, it isn't, despite what some would have us believe, the easy route. To survive it needs a relationship that is stronger than the affair and has its roots firmly in love. In those early years when crying, being angry and afraid seem to be all that our lives are I would read of those who had survived the long haul and feel hope. I hope those new to infidelity gain some hope and solace that it can work and it can work better than you might imagine.

Edited October 30, 2017 by seren