Finding it extremely hard to build a life after abuse?

[Lovehel]

So I got out of a 6 year emotionally abusive relationship 6 years ago. I am finding it extremely difficult to build a new life because my self esteem is so low. I had no friends in the latter 4 years of the relationship, because of how bad I felt. I had one friend before that which ended when she and my now ex ended up kissing behind my back. I was too scared at the time to leave my ex and from there it went downhill really. I ended I am in college this year repeating first year, as a result of the abuse, I failed last year. The people there assume I am not repeating and am in first year for the first time like them, I don't want any questions and definitely do not want to say about the abuse, so I just quietly go along to my classes. The people there made friends in freshers week etc...I reactivated my facebook account when we have to for this group project. I have yet to add the people for the project, cause I am a bit embarassed about the fact my facebook is completely empty apart from a profile picture. I also had friends from my old school on the facebook and I guess it would have been nice for one of them to send me a message or something. Nobody says anything to me. I feel so isolated. I looked at other peoples photos and they have so many of them at parties, events etc...looking healthy and happy, and really good. I have none, how do I get out of this? and start a new life for myself, without people judging me my lack of life at the moment?

 

I just want to find a level of happiness, and not feel lonely, but I am scared because I am just figuring out things myself as well, and not used to make friends, I don't even know how to do it, I am self conscious when I speak to people that I have none. I am not able for much social pressure.

Edited October 29, 2017 by Lovehel

[amaysngrace]

First off I am sorry that you suffered abuse. Was this the first time you've been abused or was this your first intimate relationship? The reason I am asking is because it seems like you are still deeply traumatized and was wondering how deeply your pain goes and why.

 

Have you received counseling for the abuse? If not I'd start there. It's hard to attract "healthy" people, the ones you describe on FB, if you aren't healthy yourself.

 

Mulling in the fact that you have been abused strongly suggests that you're stuck in victim mode rather than having the mindset of a survivor which is what you actually are, you know?

 

I think it's time to move on. Go for counseling.

[Lovehel]

First off I am sorry that you suffered abuse. Was this the first time you've been abused or was this your first intimate relationship? The reason I am asking is because it seems like you are still deeply traumatized and was wondering how deeply your pain goes and why.

 

Have you received counseling for the abuse? If not I'd start there. It's hard to attract "healthy" people, the ones you describe on FB, if you aren't healthy yourself.

 

Mulling in the fact that you have been abused strongly suggests that you're stuck in victim mode rather than having the mindset of a survivor which is what you actually are, you know?

 

I think it's time to move on. Go for counseling.

 

My father became abusive when I was a teenager and had issues with alcohol, he became a complete tyrant growing up, there was one instance of physical abuse where he pinned me against a wall when I was 17. My parents ended up separating soon after that, about 6 months to a year after that. I cannot remember. I ended up going to a new school to study for exams, after becoming a complete recluse for about a year. That is where I met my ex, I thought at the time he was the best thing to ever happen to me, and was completely taken by him. I just brushed all his criticism aside as nothing because of how besotted I was, it became worse and worse, to the point where he made me out have serious mental issues around the later 4 years of the relationship. Every time he did anything to purposely hurt me, and I told him this, he would say how I was paranoid, crazy, jealous. That I cannot have an opinion because I have no friends etc...I became completely reclusive apart from that relationship, I started to believe there was something seriously wrong with me, because he was doing things going out, had friends. All I had was him. He made sure to make me feel very small for my lack of life. I remember a few of the lowest points. One being when we were leaving a store and I was walking to his car, he purposely pushed my back, I almost fell over but caught myself, I just remember the shop assistant looking at me out the window when I gathered myself, with a blank look on his face. When I got in the car I said why did you do that, he goes you could have done it back. I said I don't want to push people. I remember him threatening to punch me in the face if I didn't finish college. Him telling me he would love to put my mouth on a ledge push my head down and smash all my teeth out. Everytime I defended myself I was made out to be a monster. I became a punching bag for this person for years, and his mother also involved herself in that. It is very difficult to get over the shame and self blame of allowing myself to be treated abusively and not having the self respect to leave, I let it happen again and again for years. I want to have compassion for myself, but I don't see how I can. I chose to stay in that instead of leave.

 

How am I a survivor for allowing that to happen to me?

 

I am going to ring the college and ask for a new counselor cause the one I had before was basically blaming me.

[amaysngrace]

You're a survivor because you lived througb the abuse and you're still here to tell about it.

 

Some people give up. You didn't. That makes you a survivor!

 

Is your dad an alcoholic?

[Lovehel]

You're a survivor because you lived througb the abuse and you're still here to tell about it.

 

Some people give up. You didn't. That makes you a survivor!

 

Is your dad an alcoholic?

 

Yes I guess so, thanks. You mean give up as in commit suicide, or give up and stay with a person like that forever? I suppose in that sense I was strong, but it still haunts me.

 

When I was 13 he got admitted to a psychiatric ward, because he couldn't sleep for days and was pacing around late at night, talking to himself etc...I am not sure if it was psychosis then...he was diagnosed with bipolar soon after, he went downhill from there mainly, he became like a complete zombie and was highly sedated for about a year, had psychotic episodes off and on, was in and out of psychiatric wards when he wasn't he was drinking heavily, and from 15 on wards his drinking got out of control, it was down to the pub every night, he decided he wanted a separation and lived in the spare room, and became like a stranger to everyone. He would talk to his mother, my grandmother on the phone, who would advise him what to do. Him and his family blamed my mom for all his problems, and completely excluded us from the family. To this day they won't talk to us, and my father holds serious contempt towards my mom.

 

He would come home drunk at 1am and be ranting and raving at my mom, yelling that she was every name under the sun. I ended up just avoiding him, because he wasn't someone I recognized anymore. He would come home from work where he had dinner, go to his room, then about 8pm head to the pub most nights. It was heartbreaking to watch him live his life that way, and see my mom so distraught. We didn't have dinner together anymore, and was living with this extremely dysfunctional home life, that messed me up pretty badly.

 

Soon after they separated when I was 17 and he went to live alone he stopped drinking, and went to AA meetings. My younger brother used to go see him almost every week for a few years and watch football in his apartment or something, but he stopped after my mom suggested we all go for a trip together for a few days. It was miserable because everytime my mom turned her back or went out of the room, he would make all these horrible comments about her to both of us. Ever since then my brother hasn't seen him. I have seen him once or twice, he refuses to talk to my mom, and has blocked her when they need to sort out financial issues with the house etc...he doesn't call my brother or me, when I did call him a week ago he just blamed my mom for everything again. I asked him why none of that side of the family have had anything to do with us for 10 years, when he speaks to his mother every week. He just said he didn't know.

 

He doesn't drink anymore as far as I know, but he likes to make life as difficult as possible from afar it seems.

[amaysngrace]

That's really sad that you had to grow up with all that drama surrounding you but just because that was your reality doesn't make it normal. And just because it happened like that doesn't mean you deserved it or were to blame in any way.

 

I hope you know that.

[Lovehel]

That's really sad that you had to grow up with all that drama surrounding you but just because that was your reality doesn't make it normal. And just because it happened like that doesn't mean you deserved it or were to blame in any way.

 

I hope you know that.

 

Logically I know it is not normal, because I carried so much shame for years about what was going on, and never told anyone, because I didn't want anyone to pity me or anything, I didn't see the point, it wasn't going to change anything. Instead I kept to myself, and suffered in silence, while other people got on with their lives. I felt a strong envy towards my peers though, most of them went to college while I suffered depression, anxiety badly, went on an antidepressant that made me feel wired. In some ways I think I was rebelling against what I went through. I didn't care about studying, all I cared about was getting stoned with my ex who introduced me to weed, and escaping reality. I worked on and off some years in minimum wage jobs, and was heavily involved emotionally in that relationship with my ex. I have come out of it now and it feels like the past 6 years of my life with him I was living in a fog. I am doing a college course, but I mainly feel like a stranger to myself most days. Because my life has had so much dysfunction, I don't really know what is normal sometimes, I mean I have an idea, but I can't see myself being that way, properly functional, or I don't know how I could get there.

[amaysngrace]

That's very sad that you've been suffering in silence. I think that could have something to do with growing up in an alcoholic home. There are definitely certain traits that children of alcoholics take on over time. Same with abuse. Shame is also a big part of that as well.

 

It's hard to get past dysfunction when it's all you know because it can become your identity and your very sense of self but it's faulty thinking. You know that. And just because it happened then doesn't make it a life sentence either and you can get past it with some hard work. You're going to need to learn new ways of seeing things, that's all. Challenge your thinking as the thoughts crop up because probably most of what you believe about yourself isn't even true and you just have negative self-talk.

 

You can break free of that thinking though. You definitely owe it to yourself to try.

 

That's really good that you're taking a class and trying to better yourself in that area as well. You seem like you're on the right path. I'm not sure that a college counselor is the best idea though because you may want to keep those two worlds separate.

 

Is there a local women's shelter you can contact for counseling? Because of your past history of abuse from your father and your BF you may be a very good candidate for the services they offer there.

Edited October 30, 2017 by amaysngrace

[AllyStrass]

You have been through a lot in your life. It is hard to move on from past traumatic experiences, as the experiences you live through can shape your life today. I am proud of you for going back to school! That is a big step. Getting involved in these things can be a huge step in moving on- get to know more people and have new experiences not related to your past trauma. I know making friends is challenging without explaining where you have come from, but know that the experiences that you have been through don't make up your identity. You are a really strong and brave person.

I encouage you to find a counselor as you step out and begin these new steps of finding life beyond these hardships. A good counselor can help you navigate difficult things, like how to talk about your past with new friends, how to handle emotions that are reminicent of your past, etc.

In the meantime, here is an article that may be helpful!

Recovering Emotionally from a Traumatic Experience | Focus on the Family