negative comments about other women

[Michelle ma Belle]

I sat him down and told him to keep his negative comments about other women to himself and he seemed to take it OK.

We'll see I guess.

Thanks for your input, everyone

 

I'm not sure that solves much apart from sparing you the annoyance of hearing him speak his true mind.

 

But if that's what works for you then so be it.

 

Good luck.

[Chilli]

It's a good start though so good luck with it.

 

But yeah , women do it do about men all the time too but when l was married l actually fell into that a bit myself . l didn't really realize it might effect my w until later on so l started shutting up then.

 

Women were disgusting me at the time though that's why l was sayin things. The double standards, the way they didn't look after themselves , there was a lot of stuff l started noticing around that time and the blinders were coming off big time. But l shoulda shut up and once l realized l did.

Funny though , w actually agreed with me most of the time, they got on her nerves too.

[SammySammy]

Passive-aggressiveness. Gaslighting.

 

This is abusive and he knows exactly what he’s doing.

 

The bottom line is he thinks you should be fitter. You’re satisfied with your weight and the likelihood that you might gain more weight as you age. That’s the point of contention and you two need to find a way to hash it out like adults.

 

With that said, I consider wanting your spouse to be fit a nature desire. In my opinion, wanting them to be as healthy as possible and wanting to be as healthy as possible together for as long as possible is a natural, caring, and loving desire. Refusing to take those concerns seriously and being reconciled to gaining weight as we age can be passive-aggressiveness also.

 

You two need to learn to fight fair.

 

Work it out. Take each other’s feelings and concerns to heart without hurting each other.

[elaine567]

Women were disgusting me at the time though that's why l was sayin things.

 

Yes he may be getting disgusted by fatter, bigger women or he may be feeling resentful that he doesn't have a thin and petite woman, the one he feels he deserves and is entitled to, or he may indeed be disgusted by himself and is projecting. He may think he is no longer the man he wants to be.

He is also ageing and maybe to his eyes he is also getting bigger, older and flabbier than he would like, but instead of turning that anger and frustration inwards, he is perhaps taking it out on women and on you.

[elaine567]

Passive-aggressiveness. Gaslighting.

 

This is abusive and he knows exactly what he’s doing.

 

The bottom line is he thinks you should be fitter. You’re satisfied with your weight and the likelihood that you might gain more weight as you age. That’s the point of contention and you two need to find a way to hash it out like adults.

 

With that said, I consider wanting your spouse to be fit a nature desire. In my opinion, wanting them to be as healthy as possible and wanting to be as healthy as possible together for as long as possible is a natural, caring, and loving desire. Refusing to take those concerns seriously and being reconciled to gaining weight as we age can be passive-aggressiveness also.

 

You two need to learn to fight fair.

 

Work it out. Take each other’s feelings and concerns to heart without hurting each other.

 

Ok but at 5'7" she is never going to be the petite woman her husband says he prefers. That is just not possible unless she lobs some inches off her legs.

Also her BMI is 21.9, well within the healthy normal range, any less and she would be verging on being underweight.

This is like telling a petite women he prefers 6' models, there is absolutely nothing she can do to fill that remit.

He is being grossly unfair here, this is not passive aggression, this is active aggression.

[SammySammy]

Ok but at 5'7" she is never going to be the petite woman her husband says he prefers. That is just not possible unless she lobs some inches off her legs.

Also her BMI is 21.9, well within the healthy normal range, any less and she would be verging on being underweight.

This is like telling a petite women he prefers 6' models, there is absolutely nothing she can do to fill that remit.

He is being grossly unfair here, this is not passive aggression, this is active aggression.

 

I rarely agree with you about anything, but I will concede his snide comments about other women that are really directed at her are grossly unfair, aggressive (no matter how we define it), and has to stop.

 

It’s hard to tell how fit a person is by height and weight alone. One person 5’ 7” 140 could extremely fit while another could be skinny fat. And many men don’t really know what petite means. Some think it means skinny when it really means short or small. Giving him a slight benefit of doubt (very slight) along with her attitude toward gaining weight in the future, I’m going to say his concern about her fitness now and in the future may be sincere.

 

However, that does not excuse criticism of her or other women. That’s unacceptable. There are better ways to express how he feels than criticizing, belittling, and demeaning women. Especially to the woman you claim to love.

[Chilli]

Yes he may be getting disgusted by fatter, bigger women or he may be feeling resentful that he doesn't have a thin and petite woman, the one he feels he deserves and is entitled to, or he may indeed be disgusted by himself and is projecting. He may think he is no longer the man he wants to be.

He is also ageing and maybe to his eyes he is also getting bigger, older and flabbier than he would like, but instead of turning that anger and frustration inwards, he is perhaps taking it out on women and on you.

 

dream on , actually l think she said he's in good shape anyway, but l can't be bothered checking haha, l was in good shape too.

And your theory would mean all those double standards l talked about were also just women projecting too then.

it's nothing to do with what your saying sorry you totally missed what l tried to say.

Anyway , l also think he might want her to be in better shape and he's trying to tell her, not sayin it;s the right way , just sayin.

Edited November 1, 2017 by Chilli

[elaine567]

dream on , actually l think she said he's in good shape anyway, but l can't be bothered checking haha, l was in good shape too.

And your theory would mean all those double standards l talked about were also just women projecting too then.

it's nothing to do with what your saying sorry you totally missed what l tried to say.

Anyway , l also think he might want her to be in better shape and he's trying to tell her, not sayin it;s the right way , just sayin.

 

I wasn't assuming that YOU were projecting, only that as a man in good shape the OPs husband may have very high standards for himself and so whilst we and the OP may think he looks great, he may not think that himself. People who are used to looking good can find it very difficult to cope with the natural changes as they age.

A woman may also lash out against her husband, not because he has changed he may not have changed one iota but in her mind SHE has changed, got older, less pretty, thicker, different body shape etc. and she doesn't like it one bit and so takes out her disgust on him.

That was the point I was making. Just an alternate theory.

 

BUT yes if that is not the case here and he IS expressing his wish for a petite, thin and fitter woman, then he most likely thinks he can do better than his wife, and so he feels somewhat justified in lashing out directly or indirectly against the very woman who he sees is preventing from getting the women he does want.

[TheWoman]

My ex H used to do this, lots of snide comments about other women, ugly, fat, fake, stupid etc. nasty stuff. I did feel like I was being compared, not always coming up short (although sometimes), like I was a possession he was measuring up. It took me years to figure it out, but I think he had a very poor attitude towards women underneath it all. They were objects to be physically appraised and assessed, definitely beneath him. This eventually expressed itself in many other unpleasant ways too.

 

At 5.7" and 140lbs you are undoubtedly slim, so this is not the same as a making underhand comments to a partner who has let themselves go with a beer gut and double chins.

 

Are you happy in your marriage in general? Have you had children yet?

[chinadiary]

1) Marriage is supposed to mean unconditional love. Women give birth, carry babies. Some do not go back to looking like they did before. So what? There is more to a person than how they look.

 

2) We all age. Men and women. Chasing physical perfection is shallow and pointless. Physical health YES. 100% yes. But it is down to individual choice. No one gets to make that choice for anyone other than themself.

 

3) Men who disparage and put down women are misogynists (women who do it to men are misandrists). I'm not a Christian but the whole 'judge not lest ye be judged' is my mantra.

 

4) If you don't love or are no longer attracted to your partner, LEAVE. Hard in the short term, better for both long term.

 

5) If he's judging her and other women, he may find he either isn't hot enough to get one of his idealized women or that they don't like his attitude.

[BarbedFenceRider]

Im sorry, but you are hardly needing to have your shirt lifted up and told you need to go to the gym. Your a latina right? My wife has the latina going on as well. She is 5'1" and a little heavier than you. we BOTH go to the gym for our health but we don't obsess over it. My wife gave me two great kids. And it took a toll on her. I won't lie. But to me, she was willing to give up a flat tummy to give me my kids is sexy as hell. I am very attracted to her just for that alone. Not to mention the latina booty and bustline. Hey, I'm a man. But seriously, it's the person that makes one sexy or not. And your guy....Not so much right now. Hopefully he sees this and directs his energy into being a husband worthy of your love. Now THAT is sexy..

[chinadiary]

Im sorry, but you are hardly needing to have your shirt lifted up and told you need to go to the gym. Your a latina right? My wife has the latina going on as well. She is 5'1" and a little heavier than you. we BOTH go to the gym for our health but we don't obsess over it. My wife gave me two great kids. And it took a toll on her. I won't lie. But to me, she was willing to give up a flat tummy to give me my kids is sexy as hell. I am very attracted to her just for that alone. Not to mention the latina booty and bustline. Hey, I'm a man. But seriously, it's the person that makes one sexy or not. And your guy....Not so much right now. Hopefully he sees this and directs his energy into being a husband worthy of your love. Now THAT is sexy..

 

 

 

You sound like a nice husband. Lucky wife.