Bantosm Posted October 30, 2017 Share Posted October 30, 2017 I've had a few occasions where I tried to get back with a dumper but all failed. I think mostly because I waited too long. There was one occasion where the dumper followed me in her car for 3 miles to urge me to call, did about everything she could for a second chance but ultimately I was too insecure to follow through. From my past experience getting back with a dumper is tough and generally easier to start with someone new. I've been thinking about getting back with an ex for awhile now. She and I barely dated before she dumped me. I dug myself in a deep hole while missing the key reason. I was wanting to check back with her. I sent a msg but no reply. I thought it looks bad. I considered giving up. I decided to visit her in person. She works at a store with her sisters owned by her grandmother. I went in and found her hanging shirts on a rack. This was the first time I had spoken with her in several months. At first she seemed very cold. She was facing the wall and wouldn't turn to look at me. I wasn't sure if she even knew who I was but I continued talking. She explained how to contact her now, walked to the side then finally looked me in the eyes and smiled. Do I have much chance in this case? I'm looking for tips from anyone who has successfully gotten back with a dumper? Link to post Share on other sites
Scarlett.O'hara Posted October 30, 2017 Share Posted October 30, 2017 I can give you a female perspective, as the dumper. When I have ended a relationship, it is because my feelings have changed or they never developed to begin with. Either way, I wouldn't reconsider dating him again, no matter what he said or did. Going after someone who dumped you puts you at a huge disadvantage because they were the one who didn't want to continue dating in the first place. Also, be wary of dumpers who try to make contact afterwards. They are often motivated by feelings of guilt or concern for the person they hurt. This can mistakenly be interpreted as regret and missing their ex, which is not always the case. I'm sure there is an occasional exception to the rule, but I think in general it is more productive and healthy to move on and find someone new. Sorry, that probably isn't the answer you were hoping for. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bantosm Posted October 30, 2017 Author Share Posted October 30, 2017 When I have ended a relationship, it is because my feelings have changed or they never developed to begin with. Either way, I wouldn't reconsider dating him again, no matter what he said or did. I made a stupid mistake and the next day she said wasn't into me. I figured it was in response to the mistake but nevertheless maybe it is impossible to get her back. I'll still give a try for her but from what you said I need to lower my expectations a great deal. Link to post Share on other sites
Chilli Posted October 30, 2017 Share Posted October 30, 2017 Barricading her up in the store like that and at her work no less, especially when you only had a few dates and she dumped ya, wth were you thinking no wonder she snubbed ya. Anyway forget her if you can , she wasn't interested. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bantosm Posted October 30, 2017 Author Share Posted October 30, 2017 Barricading her up in the store like that and at her work no less, especially when you only had a few dates and she dumped ya, wth were you thinking no wonder she snubbed ya. Anyway forget her if you can , she wasn't interested. She had always replied to my messages even after heated arguments. She and I continued to talk casually after the break up. I shop there regularly so I'd would rather take a shot now and fail miserably rather than think what if later on. Link to post Share on other sites
NopeNah Posted October 30, 2017 Share Posted October 30, 2017 No man..NC and get on with your life. No 'closure talk',no nothing. That is a bit creepy(obsessive) that you kinda intentionally cornered her at work though. Just saying. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bantosm Posted October 31, 2017 Author Share Posted October 31, 2017 No man..NC and get on with your life. No 'closure talk',no nothing. That is a bit creepy(obsessive) that you kinda intentionally cornered her at work though. Just saying. She wasn't cornered or barricaded or any other similar silly connotations. It would've far creepier to not have acknowledged her and walked on by. She fully explained how to reach her besides she appeared happier afterwards. Link to post Share on other sites
SpecialJ Posted October 31, 2017 Share Posted October 31, 2017 No matter what her intentions, drop your expectations down to about zero. Even if she was interested, you'd need to completely rebuild something new or the same thing would happen again. It's unlikely she is interested anyway, as she was cold at first, and it's more likely she wants things to be friendly and cordial. Especially if you shop there. Coming in with expectations will put a vibe of pressure on her, anyway, and will make you feel worse after. She hasn't sent signals to you for you to have expectations yet, especially after you didn't date long. Also, she may have given you her info because she didn't want to handle the situation while working. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
todreaminblue Posted October 31, 2017 Share Posted October 31, 2017 i think its really hard to go backwards because people change and adapt over time.....in the case of relationships that have ended ....theres still an undercurrent of what went wrong thats always going to be there. doesnt matter how much you rehash damage and forgive........its still damage......and if a relationship has been damaged and repair was done....then maybe it should be left well be.....but... there are always possibilities and people have successfully gotten back together after years and years of separation...i believe though...thats gods handiwork.....gods tapestry..in shaping lives for what is good for both parties.....and what is meant to be....shall be....and cannot be stopped.....deb Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted October 31, 2017 Share Posted October 31, 2017 You and she "barely dated", yet you had "heated arguments". It sounds like it was a disaster before it even got off the ground. You'd both be foolish to return to this. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bantosm Posted October 31, 2017 Author Share Posted October 31, 2017 No matter what her intentions, drop your expectations down to about zero. Even if she was interested, you'd need to completely rebuild something new or the same thing would happen again. It's unlikely she is interested anyway, as she was cold at first, and it's more likely she wants things to be friendly and cordial. Especially if you shop there. Coming in with expectations will put a vibe of pressure on her, anyway, and will make you feel worse after. She hasn't sent signals to you for you to have expectations yet, especially after you didn't date long. Also, she may have given you her info because she didn't want to handle the situation while working. Yeah expect the worst hope for the best. She's always cold at first. Even when she was interested in dating me she was acted cold when we first would meet. She has an aloof personality. Maybe she gave me the info to get back in contact. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bantosm Posted October 31, 2017 Author Share Posted October 31, 2017 i think its really hard to go backwards because people change and adapt over time.....in the case of relationships that have ended ....theres still an undercurrent of what went wrong thats always going to be there. doesnt matter how much you rehash damage and forgive........its still damage......and if a relationship has been damaged and repair was done....then maybe it should be left well be.....but... there are always possibilities and people have successfully gotten back together after years and years of separation...i believe though...thats gods handiwork.....gods tapestry..in shaping lives for what is good for both parties.....and what is meant to be....shall be....and cannot be stopped.....deb I commonly hear of guys who do far more damage then what I ever done got dumped only to get back together with the dumper in short time. Link to post Share on other sites
NopeNah Posted October 31, 2017 Share Posted October 31, 2017 How long did you date her for? Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted October 31, 2017 Share Posted October 31, 2017 I commonly hear of guys who do far more damage then what I ever done got dumped only to get back together with the dumper in short time. I am sorry but that doesn't tend to happen at all. The dumper usually breaks up as it is just not working for them and they want to be able to go and date others. Afterwards, they may be friendly, they may want to hang around as friends, or even have sex, if they haven't had it in a while and old habits can die hard. but very very rarely do they ever want to date the dumpee again. They are done. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bantosm Posted October 31, 2017 Author Share Posted October 31, 2017 You and she "barely dated", yet you had "heated arguments". It sounds like it was a disaster before it even got off the ground. You'd both be foolish to return to this. That is a fair point. She and I got along well it wasn't until there was a big misunderstanding then everything suddenly changed.I fixed one part of it but didn't see the implied meaning until months later. I told her I wanted to take things slow with her and I genuinely did. However, from what I said it made it looked like I was pushing her away because she didn't want to have sex. She got very irritated, everything she had previously said was now the opposite. It appeared I was liar who was just interested in her for sex so she had good reason to dump me. I think it should be easy to start over with her but maybe not. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bantosm Posted October 31, 2017 Author Share Posted October 31, 2017 I am sorry but that doesn't tend to happen at all. The dumper usually breaks up as it is just not working for them and they want to be able to go and date others. Afterwards, they may be friendly, they may want to hang around as friends, or even have sex, if they haven't had it in a while and old habits can die hard. but very very rarely do they ever want to date the dumpee again. They are done. Then explain the stories of people who are being abused who finally dump their abuser often take them back a short later and the cycle repeats? The the same thing is common with people who dump drug users only to take them. All fairly common and all involve more damage than what I've done. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted October 31, 2017 Share Posted October 31, 2017 Then explain the stories of people who are being abused who finally dump their abuser often take them back a short later and the cycle repeats? The the same thing is common with people who dump drug users only to take them. All fairly common and all involve more damage than what I've done. Because the person being abused is not really the dumper, they are usually forced into dumping someone who is abusing them. They do not really want to leave, they are usually still in love, but the behaviour of the abuser becomes too much for them to stand. If the abuser then comes and says "Sorry I treated you bad, come back to me" then she/he will often fold and take them back with open arms. The normal dumper on the other hand has fallen out of love, doesn't like or may even hate the other person, does not see any future, or wants to be with someone else, they are often very relieved once they pull the plug. The dumpee comes back and wants another chance and the dumper then says "No way, it will never work." end of story. Link to post Share on other sites
todreaminblue Posted October 31, 2017 Share Posted October 31, 2017 I commonly hear of guys who do far more damage then what I ever done got dumped only to get back together with the dumper in short time. does that make it right??... you did less damage so you feel entitled to a second chance based on the amount of damage you didnt do ...?.....it really shouldnt make a difference you know...the level of damage is subjective to each unique dynamic....what probably matters more are the levels of forgiveness..communication....the levels of affection felt...and the desire in regards to reconciliation by the dumpee for the person who dumped them....deb Link to post Share on other sites
NopeNah Posted October 31, 2017 Share Posted October 31, 2017 Again. How long did you date for? You're still coming off as needy in here,so I can't imagine how that store 'scene' looked in person. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted October 31, 2017 Share Posted October 31, 2017 All fairly common and all involve more damage than what I've done. OK so what "damage" did you do? Why did she dump you? Link to post Share on other sites
NopeNah Posted October 31, 2017 Share Posted October 31, 2017 (edited) I ALWAYS get in trouble here,BUT... I'd suggest those of you replying to read OP's post history.. Again..Just saying. Edit: I'd love to see that security video from her store! Edited October 31, 2017 by Praying4Daylight Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bantosm Posted November 1, 2017 Author Share Posted November 1, 2017 Because the person being abused is not really the dumper, they are usually forced into dumping someone who is abusing them. They do not really want to leave, they are usually still in love, but the behaviour of the abuser becomes too much for them to stand. If the abuser then comes and says "Sorry I treated you bad, come back to me" then she/he will often fold and take them back with open arms. The normal dumper on the other hand has fallen out of love, doesn't like or may even hate the other person, does not see any future, or wants to be with someone else, they are often very relieved once they pull the plug. The dumpee comes back and wants another chance and the dumper then says "No way, it will never work." end of story. The fact is people in abusive relationship often dump the abuser only to take them back. It makes no difference if they love them. People in non abusive relationships may often love the person they dump. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bantosm Posted November 1, 2017 Author Share Posted November 1, 2017 does that make it right??... you did less damage so you feel entitled to a second chance based on the amount of damage you didnt do ...?.....it really shouldnt make a difference you know...the level of damage is subjective to each unique dynamic....what probably matters more are the levels of forgiveness..communication....the levels of affection felt...and the desire in regards to reconciliation by the dumpee for the person who dumped them....deb I never said anything about being entitled to a second chance. I think it would be good to consider a second chance because the relationship didn't even begin to run its course. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bantosm Posted November 1, 2017 Author Share Posted November 1, 2017 Again. How long did you date for? You're still coming off as needy in here,so I can't imagine how that store 'scene' looked in person. Two weeks. The scene looked like two people talking. OK so what "damage" did you do? Why did she dump you?I already explained it. I ALWAYS get in trouble here,BUT... I'd suggest those of you replying to read OP's post history.. Again..Just saying. Edit: I'd love to see that security video from her store! What are you even implying? Everyone who ask for advice here has embarrassing threads including you. No one comes here to ask about their successes. I think it's awful to allude to anything about people seeking advice. I can take criticisms but others who see that may shy away from asking for advice. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted November 1, 2017 Share Posted November 1, 2017 I already explained it. You say you made a stupid mistake, what stupid mistake? There are stupid mistakes and stupid mistakes... Link to post Share on other sites
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