She travels for work constantly

[BarbedFenceRider]

I see this happening more and more in the future. As we enter into a more information/technology based age, and emerge out of the industrial/manufacturing age, women will come to dominate business and commerce because they are more adept at the skills necessary to work in those fields. Men who work in construction, industrial and technical fields will soon have their incomes eclipsed by their wives. It is the progression we are seeing now.

 

 

So old fashioned guys like me will have to adapt to this new construct, and along with it our expectations as to what constitutes marriage and relationships with women. We either evolve as men and women together, or I believe you will see a drastic reduction in marriage and birthrate. I honestly believe that. Marriage as we know it now may be going extinct.

I agree with this wholly. The one thing that stands out is that men and women still have their "traditional" and genetic makeup that will still rear it's ugly head. Jobs willing or not. You can't beat primal urges like this. While it still for a few may like the "new" societal norm, the majority will not.

[central]

I hate traveling for work, and have rarely had to do so, except for one-off trips for a special purpose. Likewise, I would not want to be in a relationship with someone who has to travel for work, routinely. I like having a continuity to our home life, and travel does not allow for that.

 

 

And, travel can lead to other issues - for example, the majority of cheating happens because of work relationships and work travel. Even when that does not happen, there can be the fear that it could. Trust is essential, and has to exist - at least until it is violated. Of course, far from all business travelers ever engage in inappropriate behaviors, However, I'd say it is natural to hang out with coworkers while away from home, because nobody wants to sit in a hotel room all evening watching lousy TV shows. The alternatives can be worse - bars, clubs, etc., where you can get hit on by strangers.

[Mrs. John Adams]

I see this happening more and more in the future. As we enter into a more information/technology based age, and emerge out of the industrial/manufacturing age, women will come to dominate business and commerce because they are more adept at the skills necessary to work in those fields. Men who work in construction, industrial and technical fields will soon have their incomes eclipsed by their wives. It is the progression we are seeing now.

 

 

So old fashioned guys like me will have to adapt to this new construct, and along with it our expectations as to what constitutes marriage and relationships with women. We either evolve as men and women together, or I believe you will see a drastic reduction in marriage and birthrate. I honestly believe that. Marriage as we know it now may be going extinct.

 

As babies are born and raised in this society...they will adapt to the changes and mindsets.

 

Example....John never assisted with the care of our children...or housework...or cooking. He was the king of his castle. He came home to dinner on the table every day at 5 pm. The family ate together. This is how it has been for 45 years.

 

However....My son Does ALL the cooking....and he and his wife SHARE the housework and taking care of the children. He is happy. She is happy.

 

So while you as an old fashioned guy may have trouble adjusting to the new norms of society...the younger generation will have already have a new mindset.

 

Marriage will never be extinct...it is a big business.

[Mrs. John Adams]

I hate traveling for work, and have rarely had to do so, except for one-off trips for a special purpose. Likewise, I would not want to be in a relationship with someone who has to travel for work, routinely. I like having a continuity to our home life, and travel does not allow for that.

 

 

And, travel can lead to other issues - for example, the majority of cheating happens because of work relationships and work travel. Even when that does not happen, there can be the fear that it could. Trust is essential, and has to exist - at least until it is violated. Of course, far from all business travelers ever engage in inappropriate behaviors, However, I'd say it is natural to hang out with coworkers while away from home, because nobody wants to sit in a hotel room all evening watching lousy TV shows. The alternatives can be worse - bars, clubs, etc., where you can get hit on by strangers.

 

My husband goes to happy hour...gets two glasses of wine and takes them to his room. How do I know? cell phone...elevator bells....bartenders voice....elevator bells....open door to room. He then answers e mails...how do i know? Typing on a keyboard.

 

If a person wants to cheat...they will cheat. It doesn't matter if they are traveling, going to an office, or going to walmart.

[Els]

I don' think OP is insecure. I think he is like a lot of traditionally raised men who have found themselves behind the times and outdated. He wants a GF who is not out traveling all the time. He wants a stay-close-to-home woman. There is absolutely nothing wrong with this. Beating him up as being insecure is off the mark.

 

The difference is that traditionally, the woman often doesn't work outside the home. She lives under her father's roof while the man courts her, and after they get married she lives under his roof and HE supports her.

 

If the OP is truly so very traditional that he is willing to be the sole or at least main breadwinner after they marry, and before that, willing to date a woman who isn't working - fine. Can't blame him. But if he would like a woman who works and contributes to some of the bills (and given that he lives in the UK, chances are that he does), then this is often a necessary part of it. All work typically requires some sort of sacrifice. You can't be "traditional" in the aspects that suit you but expect "modernity" in the aspects that don't, especially when the aspects involved are so closely linked.

Edited November 1, 2017 by Elswyth

[Els]

My husband goes to happy hour...gets two glasses of wine and takes them to his room. How do I know? cell phone...elevator bells....bartenders voice....elevator bells....open door to room. He then answers e mails...how do i know? Typing on a keyboard.

 

If a person wants to cheat...they will cheat. It doesn't matter if they are traveling, going to an office, or going to walmart.

 

Right. In fact, even SAHMs cheat...

 

If someone is relying on "lack of opportunity" and "rigorous reporting" to "ensure" that their partner doesn't cheat, they're likely in the wrong relationship or in the wrong headspace to be in a relationship (and it doesn't work, anyway).

[BettyDraper]

I agree with this wholly. The one thing that stands out is that men and women still have their "traditional" and genetic makeup that will still rear it's ugly head. Jobs willing or not. You can't beat primal urges like this. While it still for a few may like the "new" societal norm, the majority will not.

 

This is why so many husbands feel emasculated when their wives earn more than them.

It's the primal urges to be the provider that you mentioned.

[Els]

This is why so many husbands feel emasculated when their wives earn more than them.

It's the primal urges to be the provider that you mentioned.

 

This is understandable, but the part I find really mind-boggling is that some people don't seem to understand the implications of their "urges". Like a man wanting a "close-to-home" woman but expecting to split the bills 50/50. Or a woman wanting a "provider" man who earns and pays much more than her, but expecting him to split the housework 50/50. Or either gender wanting a "man/woman with a great career" but expects them to only work 9-5 M-F with zero business trips or after-hours. Or, like in another thread, a woman who expected her husband to earn as much as she did while he did all the childcare.

 

I suppose all of the above are technically "possible", but IME are fairly rare, and unrealistic to expect.

Edited November 1, 2017 by Elswyth

[Mrs. John Adams]

This is why we "date"...to find out if we are compatible and share the same goals and dreams.

 

If my idea of being a wife had not been the same as my boyfriends...he would not have married me. Now...times have indeed changed....I did not work early in our marriage. But as society changed and more and more women got into the workforce...i too got a part time job.

 

Life...relationships...evolve.

 

This op needs to express to his girlfriend his dreams and expectations of their relationship as he sees it...and she needs to do the same. If they are not on the same page...then they both need to evaluate where to go from here.

[BarbedFenceRider]

Not to jump over the thread much but THIS is my relationship with my wife right now. Love her to death and we are making life work, but when the economy dropped years back and I changed jobs, I found myself on the outside looking in. She was real supportive, but definitely put it out that I can be a stay at home dad....NO WAY. I found work, but a very significantly less pay and more hours. I love work. And love that I can provide. My wife has been moving up and on the corporate track for a few years now and she is the bread winner. The problem now...I don't relate to her lifestyle and circle of activities. Its all around others with her job. That brings in new stress...Its vicious. It would be nice to find a happy medium and equilibrium so relationships can be healthy. The OP is battling up a hill and its a big one to boot.

[Mrs. John Adams]

I understand that we can make this about gender...but we shouldn't. If his girlfriend is required to travel and it is a problem for him...it needs to be discussed.

 

If you are feeling left behind in your relationship with your wife...it needs to be discussed. 35 years ago...I felt just like you have described...and i had an affair. I am not saying you are in danger...I am saying that any relationship that leaves one partner feeling left out...or insufficient...needs to address these issues. A marriage...is a partnership...and when one partner suffers..the relationship suffers.

 

This OP...has an issue...it needs to be addressed....by BOTH partners.

[Els]

I understand that we can make this about gender...but we shouldn't. If his girlfriend is required to travel and it is a problem for him...it needs to be discussed.

 

If you are feeling left behind in your relationship with your wife...it needs to be discussed. 35 years ago...I felt just like you have described...and i had an affair. I am not saying you are in danger...I am saying that any relationship that leaves one partner feeling left out...or insufficient...needs to address these issues. A marriage...is a partnership...and when one partner suffers..the relationship suffers.

 

This OP...has an issue...it needs to be addressed....by BOTH partners.

 

I agree with this. The problem is that several posters are jumping to the "OMG what a terrible partner she is!!! Any man would be concerned!!!!" gun, hence the refutations.

 

Also, FWIW, with the degree of anxiety the OP is suffering, I would strongly advise that regardless of whether he chooses to stay or leave this relationship, he seek help for his anxiety. It is entirely his prerogative to decide that he doesn't want a partner who travels all the time, but the level of fear/worry that a mere business trip triggers in him is problematic and will cause issues regardless of what relationship he is in.

[OneLov]

This is a girlfriend, not a wife. She's not beholden to him.

 

I think this is a very important point.

 

The fact is that OP can dump his girlfriend tomorrow, and she would most likely be entitled to nothing under the law. That being said, I would advise anyone, male or female, to never give up a career or work opportunity for a boyfriend/girlfriend.

 

It does not make sense to give up your means of supporting yourself when you are not entitled to anything from your SO in the event of a dissolution of the relationship. I would like to think that if anyone's son or daughter was in OP's girlfriend's position, as a parent, all of us would advise him/her the same.

[Mrs. John Adams]

I think this is a very important point.

 

The fact is that OP can dump his girlfriend tomorrow, and she would most likely be entitled to nothing under the law. That being said, I would advise anyone, male or female, to never give up a career or work opportunity for a boyfriend/girlfriend.

 

It does not make sense to give up your means of supporting yourself when you are not entitled to anything from your SO in the event of a dissolution of the relationship. I would like to think that if anyone's son or daughter was in OP's girlfriend's position, as a parent, all of us would advise him/her the same.

 

and i agree with this....if a relationship is a loving good relationship...each partner puts the needs of the other one first, That's selfless love. If I love a person for who they are...then how can i demand they change to suit me? If any changing is to be done...the only person we can change is ourselves.

 

Asking a person to leave their job because I have an issue is not really a fair demand. I need to address within myself...WHY it is an issue...and if it is not something I can live with...then i need to make a change.

 

I am not saying that the op is wrong in how he feels. But he should explore why he feels this way...and discuss it with her...and if they cannot come to an agreement...then he needs to make a change.

[Travel87]

I thought I'd write a reply as I couldn't believe the amount of responses I've reveived. I disagree that we are incompatible or we wouldn't have been in this relationship to start with. Neither of us are kids. I also find it strange to read so many people stating I need counselling or other help to deal with my anxiety when nearly half of the comments agree that they'd feel uncomfortable too.

 

I have spoken to my partner and she told me she also worries when I go out drinking and would worry the same if our roles where reversed (I didn't comment that in saying that she needed therapy as I seem to be getting here). I took it as everyone would have some degree of worry with this. She rings me now everynight as she didn't before bevause she didn't think I was finding it hard. She assured me the trips are only temporary and should slow down as it isn't all about trust it's also a worry that the more she is away we may become disconnected as we are down to spending 3 or 4 days a month together currently and she's worried about that too. I do trust my partner but I suppose it's also just jelousy that she's out having meals etc which I know is an ugly trait, without me being a part of it. Last night for example was a meal between her and 1 male colleague I'd find it hard pressed to find anybody fully comfortable with their partner 200 miles away having a 1 on 1 dinner for 4 hours. If that does make me insecure then so be it.

 

It is all very hard on our relationship and I hope I can continue to wait for it to die down as I'm not the type to give up on something easily but I am worried that if these trips continue I will myself get fed up and want to find someone I can actually spend time with. Absence makes the heart grow fonder.... it depends on the amount of absence.

[BarbedFenceRider]

3-4 days a month! I'd say for a relationship, it should be the other way around. lol You were right to actually sit down and talk it out. Good for you. Now she knows how you feel and some of your expectations on the future. I also see that over time, you will have to put your energy somewhere else and not staring at the screen on your smart phone, waiting...I have thought what if my wife gets MORE hours at work and less time with the family (namely me) in the future. Doesn't look good. Human nature being what it is, we start to build fabric around those who we are with long periods of time.

[OneLov]

I don't think people are suggesting you are incompatible on a personal level, but your lifestyle and career choices may render your goals incompatible. This incompatibility would likely jeopardize the overall success of your relationship because it makes it impossible to fulfill each other's needs. This is why celebrities, folks in the airline industry, emergency services, etc. often partner/marry others with the same employment demands. You could find your doppelganger, but if the other person wants kids and you don't or vice versa--it's going to be a major obstacle in the success of a LTR or marriage.

 

I think it is good you are exploring your feelings. Also, it is a good sign that she seems like she is attempting to do what she can to help ease your feelings. If it is not enough though, I think honesty is the best policy. The worst thing you can do is say you are "ok" with her life choices when you are not.

 

The unfortunate reality is that relationships end for these reasons all too often. I would venture to say most LTRs and/or marriages do not end because the other person, after many years, just realizes he/she does not really like his/her partner; they end most of the time because of long-term goal incompatibility. Since you both seem like you want to continue and are willing to make some compromises, I hope you find a way to make it work.

[Cephalopod]

As babies are born and raised in this society...they will adapt to the changes and mindsets.

 

Example....John never assisted with the care of our children...or housework...or cooking. He was the king of his castle. He came home to dinner on the table every day at 5 pm. The family ate together. This is how it has been for 45 years.

 

However....My son Does ALL the cooking....and he and his wife SHARE the housework and taking care of the children. He is happy. She is happy.

 

So while you as an old fashioned guy may have trouble adjusting to the new norms of society...the younger generation will have already have a new mindset.

 

Marriage will never be extinct...it is a big business.

 

I do hope you are right.

[Cephalopod]

My husband goes to happy hour...gets two glasses of wine and takes them to his room. How do I know? cell phone...elevator bells....bartenders voice....elevator bells....open door to room. He then answers e mails...how do i know? Typing on a keyboard.

 

If a person wants to cheat...they will cheat. It doesn't matter if they are traveling, going to an office, or going to walmart.

 

QFT. My feelings exactly.

 

 

When my xWW cheated on me, she hid it so well I had no idea how much she was doing it, nor the number of men she was doing it with. She was not the woman I thought I had married. In fact, she was about as disgusting as they came. She was quite literally screwing men in their cars, in public restrooms, on hotel balconies during parties...oh yeah...I got all the details from her and her "friends". I was oblivious to all of it, and I am no fool or sucker.

 

 

If your partner wants to cheat, there is absolutely nothing you can do to stop it once they have made their mind up.

[Cephalopod]

The difference is that traditionally, the woman often doesn't work outside the home. She lives under her father's roof while the man courts her, and after they get married she lives under his roof and HE supports her.

 

If the OP is truly so very traditional that he is willing to be the sole or at least main breadwinner after they marry, and before that, willing to date a woman who isn't working - fine. Can't blame him. But if he would like a woman who works and contributes to some of the bills (and given that he lives in the UK, chances are that he does), then this is often a necessary part of it. All work typically requires some sort of sacrifice. You can't be "traditional" in the aspects that suit you but expect "modernity" in the aspects that don't, especially when the aspects involved are so closely linked.

 

 

 

Would it surprise you if I said I agree? I agree with just about everything you say. Doesn't mean I'm going to change my personal preferences. I'm too old for that.

 

 

I think his expectations and her intentions are out of sync. He should not be questioning or demanding her to alter her business practices to suit his personal preferences.

 

 

He needs to find a woman who is in a field that does not take her away on long work trips with male colleagues, and a woman who shares his same preferences and values. There are still some women out there who do not want to travel away for work, and prefer a 9 to 5 where they are home every night for kids' bath times.

[BettyDraper]

This is understandable, but the part I find really mind-boggling is that some people don't seem to understand the implications of their "urges". Like a man wanting a "close-to-home" woman but expecting to split the bills 50/50. Or a woman wanting a "provider" man who earns and pays much more than her, but expecting him to split the housework 50/50. Or either gender wanting a "man/woman with a great career" but expects them to only work 9-5 M-F with zero business trips or after-hours. Or, like in another thread, a woman who expected her husband to earn as much as she did while he did all the childcare.

 

I suppose all of the above are technically "possible", but IME are fairly rare, and unrealistic to expect.

 

I agree wholeheartedly. The problem is so many men and women want the benefits of traditional relationships but none of the responsibilities.

 

Since I became a housewife, my husband doesn't do any housework unless he feels like it. He's responsible for taking out the garbage as well as outdoor mowing the lawn and shoveling snow. I wouldn't expect him to cook and clean since he is the breadwinner. It's only fair.

[NuevoYorko]

I think any guy would feel uneasy if they were in your situation. Your gf may have no intentions of doing anything wrong. But you can be sure that of those 4 or 5 other guys, more than one of them have their eyes on her. And regardless of her intentions, going out for drinks with them should not be happening.

 

Now you need to decide where you go from here. Ask her how she'd feel if the situation were reversed. Open up a conversation with her, watch her reaction.

 

Trust your gut.

Among mature professional people, I assure you that drinks with colleagues is de rigueur, regardless of the genders of said colleagues. A grown man or woman is able to navigate situations where someone "has their eyes" on them.

 

OP, I encourage you to ignore this type of advice. It does not serve you well. If this is not working for you because her work schedule interferes with your relationship on the basis of time, I believe that is a legitimate concern. Worrying about male colleagues is a dead end, and only reflects on your own insecurities. It's not about her at all.

[oldlion]

Sorry, but I'm going to tell you like I see it. You are too insecure to be in a relationship. You didn't really break up. You drove her away with your clinging and insecurity. You need to fix that before you get into another relationship. I do wish you well.

[DKT3]

Among mature professional people, I assure you that drinks with colleagues is de rigueur, regardless of the genders of said colleagues. A grown man or woman is able to navigate situations where someone "has their eyes" on them.

 

OP, I encourage you to ignore this type of advice. It does not serve you well. If this is not working for you because her work schedule interferes with your relationship on the basis of time, I believe that is a legitimate concern. Worrying about male colleagues is a dead end, and only reflects on your own insecurities. It's not about her at all.

 

Well the one started the other. I guessing if she was still acting interested in him then the other stuff would not have become an issue. But she isn't so it is.

[BaileyB]

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/641550-s-over-i-keep-blaming-me