What makes someone come back

[Popsicle]

After 3 years? I had an ex bf who came back after we had a bad break up and didn't speak a word to each other for 3 years, then he came back saying he regretted it and wanted to get back together. My question is why wait so long? Why did it take 3 years? 3 years! Not 3 months or 3 days, 3 years! What was going on? Your guess?

[Popsicle]

I think at the very least, he had bad luck with women after we broke up, right?

[Steve51]

You are his safety net. I would feel that he tried but could not find anyone who wanted him so he is settling for you. My experience is that love cannot be willed into or out of existence. Try it sometime to see what I mean. It is either there or not. Once gone it rarely comes back. Move on.

[Popsicle]

You are his safety net. I would feel that he tried but could not find anyone who wanted him so he is settling for you. My experience is that love cannot be willed into or out of existence. Try it sometime to see what I mean. It is either there or not. Once gone it rarely comes back. Move on.

 

I totally agree. It was a long time ago that he reached out, but I find myself thinking about it lately and wondering why.

[Cookiesandough]

he probably dated other women and realized none came close to you. That's what I'm thinking. He realized what he had far too late

[Popsicle]

he probably dated other women and realized none came close to you. That's what I'm thinking. He realized what he had far too late

Yeah, that's probably what happened. And it's very impersonal.

[Chilli]

Maybe not , how close were you guys, was it anything special or really really special , love?

 

lf it was then he's probably regretted it all this time but been listening to the internet and the NC thing,

if it wasn't , then he just ain't had much luck in finding anything decent since so now he's trying you again.

[Popsicle]

Maybe not , how close were you guys, was it anything special or really really special , love?

 

lf it was then he's probably regretted it all this time but been listening to the internet and the NC thing,

if it wasn't , then he just ain't had much luck in finding anything decent since so now he's trying you again.

 

That's the thing, I don't know for sure what he felt/feels. The only way you can know what someone feels is through their actions. And his actions were not that great, considering that it took him 3 years. I'm not being a hard ass, I just know what real feelings compel people to do.

 

When he reached out to me, I was with someone else, and I told him so.

And speaking of that someone else....

 

My last ex (this is a different one than the one I've referred to in the OP) just contacted me after our bad breakup and 7 month of us not speaking a word to each other. It was a couple of weeks ago that he reached out when I was in the fires that happened here. I get a text "Are you ok?!" I tell him I'm ok, but scared, shaken up and trying to flee to find somewhere to go due to being told I had to leave immediately in the middle of the night. We text back and forth a little about the fire and he never once offered to help (he was not evacuated). He tells me "Hold it together, you got this!". Then after a few hours I tell him I finally found a hotel room several hours out and he texts "Ok! Call me later."

 

What the hell was that?

 

I'll tell you what it was. He wanted an EASY way to pick up right where we left off like we're still together or something without any acknowledgement of what happened when we broke up.

 

Right. I never called him later.

Edited October 31, 2017 by Popsicle

[somanymistakes]

Sometimes people hang on to the memory of a 'true' love for a lot longer than three years. Especially if it was a first love. Some of us never get over those.

 

As for what's going on and why it can take so long to come back? I'm going to talk in general here, NOT in your specific case.

 

Well, first off, if you seriously broke up, not just a little spat that got out of hand but you seriously knew the relationship wasn't working, it takes a lot of time and change before the prospect of starting things up again is possible without just falling straight back into the old broken pattern.

 

Second, if you broke up and he immediately hopped into another relationship, he may never have processed the end of your relationship. Sometimes people handle a loss by boxing it up in their minds and never thinking about it, ever, as if it didn't happen at all.They go on their way, looking happy and carefree. It doesn't necessarily mean they don't have feelings, just that they are completely refusing to deal with them. Months or years later, when they are in a calm place far removed from the incident, that box may crack open and all those feelings come rushing out. People can be suddenly overwhelmed with grief and loss for things that happened long ago. Especially divorced people, who often crack much later on when they realise some day 'would have been' their anniversary. So it can be long in the future before someone actually thinks about how much the breakup sucked, how much they miss you, and how much they really want to apologise for everything they did wrong.

 

Third, after a bad breakup every bit of relationship advice ever tells you not to talk to your ex. They tell you you'll never get over it if you do, you'll only hurt yourself, you'll only hurt them, you'll give one or both of you false hope, you're just shopping for pain, if you really loved them you would let them go, you can't possibly love them you're just sick and hanging on to a fantasy, they can't possibly love you or they would have come after you, you broke up for a reason!!!, give up, give up, give up. It's a pretty unending barrage of people telling you that talking to your ex is the most evil, selfish, AND suicidal act you could possibly do. And if you do still love your ex, you don't want to do that to them, do you?

 

So it took me a lot longer than three years to really come to terms with everything...

[thefooloftheyear]

He was horny and having a dry spell....

 

TFY

[Popsicle]

Sometimes people hang on to the memory of a 'true' love for a lot longer than three years. Especially if it was a first love. Some of us never get over those.

 

As for what's going on and why it can take so long to come back? I'm going to talk in general here, NOT in your specific case.

 

Well, first off, if you seriously broke up, not just a little spat that got out of hand but you seriously knew the relationship wasn't working, it takes a lot of time and change before the prospect of starting things up again is possible without just falling straight back into the old broken pattern.

 

Second, if you broke up and he immediately hopped into another relationship, he may never have processed the end of your relationship. Sometimes people handle a loss by boxing it up in their minds and never thinking about it, ever, as if it didn't happen at all.They go on their way, looking happy and carefree. It doesn't necessarily mean they don't have feelings, just that they are completely refusing to deal with them. Months or years later, when they are in a calm place far removed from the incident, that box may crack open and all those feelings come rushing out. People can be suddenly overwhelmed with grief and loss for things that happened long ago. Especially divorced people, who often crack much later on when they realise some day 'would have been' their anniversary. So it can be long in the future before someone actually thinks about how much the breakup sucked, how much they miss you, and how much they really want to apologise for everything they did wrong.

 

Third, after a bad breakup every bit of relationship advice ever tells you not to talk to your ex. They tell you you'll never get over it if you do, you'll only hurt yourself, you'll only hurt them, you'll give one or both of you false hope, you're just shopping for pain, if you really loved them you would let them go, you can't possibly love them you're just sick and hanging on to a fantasy, they can't possibly love you or they would have come after you, you broke up for a reason!!!, give up, give up, give up. It's a pretty unending barrage of people telling you that talking to your ex is the most evil, selfish, AND suicidal act you could possibly do. And if you do still love your ex, you don't want to do that to them, do you?

 

So it took me a lot longer than three years to really come to terms with everything...

 

Thought provoking. It's possible. I will marinade with this for a while. Thanks.

[Chilli]

l text mine about the fires too, l just wanted her to know l was thinking of her and hoping she was ok really..

Just because we split it didn't mean l didn't still care about her so that was all that was.

 

Can't tell for sure with the other one not enough to go on but yeah like somany was sayin , the whole NC thing all over the internet can mess people up even if they did regret the split they try to stay away and to me it is sounding a bit like that with him.

You can easily still be thinking about someone after 3yrs.

 

Me l'd never say that just to get back for a bit of fun, and l wouldn't go 3yrs backwards just for a bit of fun either, it'd all be too weird , too messy,,too past.

[alphamale]

After 3 years? I had an ex bf who came back after we had a bad break up and didn't speak a word to each other for 3 years, then he came back saying he regretted it and wanted to get back together. My question is why wait so long? Why did it take 3 years? 3 years! Not 3 months or 3 days, 3 years! What was going on? Your guess?

 

that's a toughie. he was probably going thru an extended period of loneliness.

[newmoon]

my experience is that they only come back, even years later, when their own life is in the crapper and they're wallowing in self-pity about something. i wouldn't give anyone like that the time of day.

[Popsicle]

l text mine about the fires too, l just wanted her to know l was thinking of her and hoping she was ok really..

Just because we split it didn't mean l didn't still care about her so that was all that was.

It was nice that he cared. Maybe that's all it was. I also got the impression that you and your gal still talked (you'd call her "the gf" on here). Me and the ex from the fires didn't talk for 7 months.

 

Can't tell for sure with the other one not enough to go on but yeah like somany was sayin , the whole NC thing all over the internet can mess people up even if they did regret the split they try to stay away and to me it is sounding a bit like that with him.

You can easily still be thinking about someone after 3yrs.

 

I know. I've thought of someone for a year after our breakup, but not 3. lol

I kind doubt he reads the internet much. I do think he was thinking about me, but it took 3 years for him to arrive at the point where he thought it was best to reach out. That's too long.

 

Me l'd never say that just to get back for a bit of fun, and l wouldn't go 3yrs backwards just for a bit of fun either, it'd all be too weird , too messy,,too past.

 

I agree. That was ridiculous comment and the 3 year ex is quite deep emotionally-speaking, he wouldn't do that. The 7 month fires ex? Not so much.... I could believe that about him, but he's too scary to actually call me. (good!)

 

that's a toughie. he was probably going thru an extended period of loneliness.

 

I think so too. I'm sad for him but he took too long. I would have been open to him in the first year afterwards.

 

my experience is that they only come back, even years later, when their own life is in the crapper and they're wallowing in self-pity about something. i wouldn't give anyone like that the time of day.

Great. Just the kind of guy I need in my life right now...lol

[KBob]

my experience is that they only come back, even years later, when their own life is in the crapper and they're wallowing in self-pity about something. i wouldn't give anyone like that the time of day.

 

That might be your experience but not everyone is shallow and self centred enough to run to an ex because of self pity. I believe genuine regret and remorse can be at play in these situations.

 

I don't typically believe in continuing to play a record that's broken, but I've had one girl in my life who I still think of often, after almost two years with no contact. No matter how I try and rationalize it in my head I still find myself wishing she would call me. Never had any others do that but for some reason I feel like I would take her back if she asked...

[Popsicle]

That might be your experience but not everyone is shallow and self centred enough to run to an ex because of self pity. I believe genuine regret and remorse can be at play in these situations.

 

I don't typically believe in continuing to play a record that's broken, but I've had one girl in my life who I still think of often, after almost two years with no contact. No matter how I try and rationalize it in my head I still find myself wishing she would call me. Never had any others do that but for some reason I feel like I would take her back if she asked...

 

I believe this about the 3 year ex, but the 7 month fires ex, I don't believe this. Something about his "Ok! Call me later" was too cavalier. If he really wanted to reconnect with me he would have instead said "Ok! I'll call you later", or sent more follow up texts since he had my attention. He didn't do that. I think he was honestly just bored and using the fires as a source of entertainment to relieve his boredom.

[KBob]

I believe this about the 3 year ex, but the 7 month fires ex, I don't believe this. Something about his "Ok! Call me later" was too cavalier. If he really wanted to reconnect with me he would have instead said "Ok! I'll call you later", or sent more follow up texts since he had my attention. He didn't do that. I think he was honestly just bored and using the fires as a source of entertainment to relieve his boredom.

 

I agree, there are shallow ones out there, and this guy is proof of that. Fortunately they're easily picked out, which he is also proof of. Telling you (not even asking) to call him back after you've been through a natural disaster is a sure sign of not an ounce of care or concern for someone.

[Popsicle]

I agree, there are shallow ones out there, and this guy is proof of that. Fortunately they're easily picked out, which he is also proof of. Telling you (not even asking) to call him back after you've been through a natural disaster is a sure sign of not an ounce of care or concern for someone.

 

Yep! He's totally retarded.

[Popsicle]

Ahhh... you haters have such a big crush on me, don't you? It's the same ones of you that always show up. Get a life.

[Cookiesandough]

What if a girl doesn't hear from her ex and he says he doesn't want to ever hear from her again, leave him alone, she's a ****ty person blocks her What's her chances of getting sex. Maybe sometime in the future if he's all out of options what's her chances

Edited November 1, 2017 by Cookiesandough

[Popsicle]

When you go out of your way to seek answers, you cannot expect all of the answers to be exactly what you want to hear. This doesn't mean you have "haters."

 

Stay out of my threads.

[Popsicle]

What if a girl doesn't hear from her ex and he says he doesn't want to ever hear from her again, leave him alone, she's a ****ty person blocks her What's her chances of getting sex. Maybe sometime in the future if he's all out of options what's her chances

 

Going after an ex is not easy. Some are, some aren't, depends on the situation, the people and how things ended. My fires ex contacted me but no follow up, so no he didn't want sex. The other is long-distance. I think your guy seems mad at you from what you've said so he would need time to cool off and forget, and begin to just think of you as a commodity. Not likely he'll do that, it's easier to look at new women. If he comes back it's cuz he misses you.

[road]

I believe this about the 3 year ex, but the 7 month fires ex, I don't believe this. Something about his "Ok! Call me later" was too cavalier. If he really wanted to reconnect with me he would have instead said "Ok! I'll call you later", or sent more follow up texts since he had my attention. He didn't do that. I think he was honestly just bored and using the fires as a source of entertainment to relieve his boredom.

 

Bored, and he wanted sex. He dangled just enough to let

you make the next move. You did not. That sent the message

to him that he was not getting any.

 

However I can see your 3 year ago ex taking 3 years to

process the breakup and realize that you are now worth

revisiting.

 

Only if you look like Milla Jovovich.

[somanymistakes]

Bored, and he wanted sex. He dangled just enough to let

you make the next move. You did not. That sent the message

to him that he was not getting any.

 

However I can see your 3 year ago ex taking 3 years to

process the breakup and realize that you are now worth

revisiting.

 

Only if you look like Milla Jovovich.

 

The problem is that you only know shallow men.

 

(I couldn't possibly say whether any individual man I don't know is shallow. I can say that they aren't all. Certainly there are plenty of shallow women as well, who will reach out to an ex for a booty call, because hey, why not? we banged once, wanna do it again? It happens all the time. But it doesn't mean that only people looking for cheap sex reach out to exes.)