Conflict between settling down or pursuing a new career

[Blackened Heart]

About three months ago I started the process of wanting to change careers to go into the medical field to become a physician. I've been volunteering at a hospital and have been loving the experience.

 

As of late though, the thought of just settling down with someone has really been bugging me in the back of my mind. Changing to become a doctor means committing about 8 total years of school and residency, not to mention the long hours of studying and residency. I had already known of the fact that having a relationship while going through this would be rather unlikely, as I wouldn't have much free time to commit to a relationship.

 

Currently I have a really good career, and could easily stick to it till retirement. It's not a terrible job by any means, I actually enjoy the work I do. It pays very well, has very stable hours and is in a very secure field that can move into others. But when I think about staying in that type of job for the next 30 or so years, it just doesn't set well with me.

 

So I'm rather conflicted now. Stick with the job I have and pursue a relationship to be with someone, or go the route of changing careers knowing I am very likely to not be with someone for quite a long time.

 

I'm just rather thinking outloud and don't really have an exact question, but guess looking for some insight and thoughts on the matter.

[Southern Sun]

About three months ago I started the process of wanting to change careers to go into the medical field to become a physician. I've been volunteering at a hospital and have been loving the experience.

 

As of late though, the thought of just settling down with someone has really been bugging me in the back of my mind. Changing to become a doctor means committing about 8 total years of school and residency, not to mention the long hours of studying and residency. I had already known of the fact that having a relationship while going through this would be rather unlikely, as I wouldn't have much free time to commit to a relationship.

 

Currently I have a really good career, and could easily stick to it till retirement. It's not a terrible job by any means, I actually enjoy the work I do. It pays very well, has very stable hours and is in a very secure field that can move into others. But when I think about staying in that type of job for the next 30 or so years, it just doesn't set well with me.

 

So I'm rather conflicted now. Stick with the job I have and pursue a relationship to be with someone, or go the route of changing careers knowing I am very likely to not be with someone for quite a long time.

 

I'm just rather thinking outloud and don't really have an exact question, but guess looking for some insight and thoughts on the matter.

 

You didn't mention your age, nor your sex, but you sound like a male. I'm going to assume that.

 

If you are still under 30, and you want to become a doctor...do it. If it is something that you truly want, I can tell you from this side of things, you will regret not pursuing it. And once you are IN a relationship, especially if you get married, and then start having kids, you will most likely NEVER do it. Now is the time. You are free to apply wherever, you don't have to worry about where you match for residency, etc.

 

And the idea of not being able to have a relationship while you are in school is kind of silly. People do it all the time. I'm not saying it won't have its challenges, but people do it.

 

Another thought is that you could consider something like PA school (Physician Assistant). It is far shorter (usually 27 months after meeting pre-reqs and necessary patient contact hours) and you are doing almost the same thing. Yes, it doesn't pay as well. But it still pays a nice income and you won't have the searing debt of a doc, nor will you have to commit a minimum of 8 years of your life to school (and that is with NO specializing!). This will also help if you're truly concerned about a relationship.

 

Good luck.

[Els]

There are lots of factors that would impact your decision. The most prominent being... what is your age and gender? And do you want children?

[Chilli]

Yeah , that's all the big stuff.

This could only happen on the internet where you don't know if your even talking to a male or female.

But if your female , l wouldn't do it. 8yrs of stress, and then you go into the job itself with long hours and more stress, your not gonna be in any shape or have the time for a family for a longgggg time.

 

Unless your only early 20s, come out of it 30s somewhere, still time later.

lf older though , nah , l wouldn't. You can always change jobs later or go into different fields with out all that hassle/stress and time commitment.

[Els]

Also, OP, regardless of your circumstances, I would strongly recommend that you do lots of research about what you're getting into. Do talk to physicians who have been through it all. Lots of people get into medicine without really knowing what's ahead of them.

 

Yeah , that's all the big stuff.

This could only happen on the internet where you don't know if your even talking to a male or female.

But if your female , l wouldn't do it. 8yrs of stress, and then you go into the job itself with long hours and more stress, your not gonna be in any shape or have the time for a family for a longgggg time.

 

Unless your only early 20s, come out of it 30s somewhere, still time later.

lf older though , nah , l wouldn't. You can always change jobs later or go into different fields with out all that hassle/stress and time commitment.

 

Assuming she's done her due diligence as I mentioned above...

 

If she's female and doesn't want children, I'd say go for it.

 

If she's female, wants children, and is in her early/mid 20s, I'd say go for it.

 

If she's female, wants children, and is in her late 20s and beyond... I'd be much more hesitant. Freezing eggs can be an option, but the costs/risks do have to be weighed.

 

If male, pretty much the same thing except I'd extend the age for "go for it" to early 30s instead.

[d0nnivain]

I really don't understand why it's an either or proposition. Lots of people start successful relationships in med school that they are able to maintain.

[Els]

I really don't understand why it's an either or proposition. Lots of people start successful relationships in med school that they are able to maintain.

 

The issue is mainly if they want to have children (the OP said "settling down", so it is unclear if he/she meant just a LTR or if he/she meant a big family). While relationships are difficult in med school/residency, they are doable. Children are a whole different kettle of fish, especially for the woman.

[alphamale]

I think you should become a doctor. We need more good doctors. You'll have time for marriage and kids later on. Good luck.

[No_Go]

How old are you OP? I am in a very similar situation to you and I'm contemplating medical school as well (I'm 33 now, I can go through a 3 year med school because of my background but still... with residency it will put me in my 40s). The reason I am not doing it is primarily financial, the thought of getting into student debt in my age is quite unappealing. Have you thought about that as well?

 

As for settling - just find someone with compatible schedule - a fellow resident or d-r or nurse, or just someone who is understanding enough. It will be more difficult with kids but there are options if you can afford them.

[Blackened Heart]

Thanks for all the responses to this so far. To answer some of the common questions, I am male, in my very early 30's. I know that a relationship is possible even through med school and residency, but it is a very difficult situation to maintain a LTR. Furthermore, if the person I am with wants children (I am indifferent on the matter, now and in the future) I can't see it being feasible to have children while being so busy with school and training, not to mention moving and the additional cost of raising a child (or more!)

 

No_go you bring up a very good point that I am very well aware of and it's honestly the reason that gets brought up a lot by those that question the change. I would be going from making good income to being in debt. This prospect doesn't worry me too much, because in the end as a physician I will be making money to repaid the money borrowed, but before then it would also be a big lifestyle change.

 

I volunteer at a hospital right now as I want to be sure it is what I want to pursue and that I am not looking at the career through rose colored glasses. Even there I have gotten mixed advise on the situation, both for the change and against it.

 

I guess what bugs me the most right now is this feeling of wanting to just settle into a LTR with someone. I'm not saying I can't date or be with people while going through this, I know that's possible. But the possibility of the relationships lastly is very unlikely. It's a lot to ask of someone to be going through this.

 

Maybe I'm just in a weird funk feeling lonely . In all likelihood I will pursue the change, as I want to do it to be able to provide medical aid to areas that are in much worse conditions than here. I have traveled to different parts of the world and have seen first hand how much worse it is in comparison.

[d0nnivain]

If your goal is doctors without borders or something similar raising kids will be a challenge at best.

 

 

You are a guy. You can have kids whenever.

 

 

Go so school. Date causally for companionship. See where you are when you get your degrees.

[No_Go]

How did you find your volunteer position OP? I’m curious to try something like this.

 

Debt repay... it can take many years. Yes you’d repay it, but it will be very late in life

 

LTR though is just fine as being a resident/ med student ... I think you’re worrying prematurely. Female friend of mine had her child while in med school - now he’s 9 and she’s a cardiologist. Another friend of mine is neurosurgery resident and still his relationship (live in gf working in a different field) is going just fine. Plenty of people manage to have both.

 

If you want to be a doctor in third world country or anything involving traveling though - better don’t get into LTR because it will be a pain for both of you.

 

Thanks for all the responses to this so far. To answer some of the common questions, I am male, in my very early 30's. I know that a relationship is possible even through med school and residency, but it is a very difficult situation to maintain a LTR. Furthermore, if the person I am with wants children (I am indifferent on the matter, now and in the future) I can't see it being feasible to have children while being so busy with school and training, not to mention moving and the additional cost of raising a child (or more!)

 

No_go you bring up a very good point that I am very well aware of and it's honestly the reason that gets brought up a lot by those that question the change. I would be going from making good income to being in debt. This prospect doesn't worry me too much, because in the end as a physician I will be making money to repaid the money borrowed, but before then it would also be a big lifestyle change.

 

I volunteer at a hospital right now as I want to be sure it is what I want to pursue and that I am not looking at the career through rose colored glasses. Even there I have gotten mixed advise on the situation, both for the change and against it.

 

I guess what bugs me the most right now is this feeling of wanting to just settle into a LTR with someone. I'm not saying I can't date or be with people while going through this, I know that's possible. But the possibility of the relationships lastly is very unlikely. It's a lot to ask of someone to be going through this.

 

Maybe I'm just in a weird funk feeling lonely . In all likelihood I will pursue the change, as I want to do it to be able to provide medical aid to areas that are in much worse conditions than here. I have traveled to different parts of the world and have seen first hand how much worse it is in comparison.

[GunslingerRoland]

Honestly I think you are overplaying what it will do to your relationships and underplaying what it will do to the rest of your life.

 

The idea of going into a new career that I wouldn't even be starting until 40 just wouldn't sit well with me. I went into a job that I hope to retire from early, around 55.

 

But as for the relationship aspect, sure any relationship you start now, might not work, but that doesn't matter if you go to school or not. If you want children you can always date a slightly younger woman. I guess a lot depends on if you are in America or a country that offers maternity and other benefits or not.

[Els]

OP, if you are ambivalent about children, and have done your research on what you are getting into, I'd go for it. LTRs in med school and residency are not easy by any means, but not impossible.

 

But yes, if you intend to do the Medecins Sans Frontieres thing... THAT would make LTRs extremely difficult.

 

The idea of going into a new career that I wouldn't even be starting until 40 just wouldn't sit well with me. I went into a job that I hope to retire from early, around 55.

 

Doctors in most developed countries can retire at 55 if they want to, EVEN if they only became a specialist at 40 - they are paid more than enough post-specialization to do that. Especially if they have no children. They just don't usually do that because most of them don't want to - they invested so much into the career, it's emotionally difficult to quit even if they don't need the money anymore.

Edited November 3, 2017 by Elswyth

[guest569]

How long have you been considering medicine?

[Mysterio]

I say go to school. If you date. Tell the woman that this is your life, if you are going steady.