GF broke up with me a few weeks ago, signs that she's open to reconciliation?

[tacticalcloud]

My GF and I (late 20s) had been living together for ~3 years and had been together for ~4 years. She broke it off with me the beginning of October. She didn't like that I tended to prioritize my friends (this manifested itself in a few ways - I overshared details about the relationship with them, I only shared the negative things and not the positive, I wasn't as intimate with her as I should have been) and she was frustrated that I wouldn't break out of my comfort zone and be willing to do more things with her.

 

I know she still loves me and cares about me. I also know that she wasn't entirely happy towards the end of the relationship. But I also feel like she gave me several signs that she IS open to reconciling down the road - do you agree?

 

(1) Before she moved out, we ended up spending all our free time together. Some of it involved discussing what went wrong, but a good portion of it was us being intimate (physically and emotionally), sharing childhood stories, and the like. I made a strong effort to really focus on her (including going out of my way to get her things like flowers). She said that this was everything she ever wanted, and it was unfair that it came at this time. (2) At one point she contemplated having me write a weekly letter to her after she moved out, but after more consideration she decided against it since we both need to heal. (3) She took the day off before her moving day so we could spend it together. (4) After she moved out, she said it was OK to share the areas I wanted to grow/improve on with my friends, and to tell her what I sent them. My initial message was admittedly not so good (rambling and not very concise), and she responded saying that it was far from what we had discussed. I followed up with a much more mature and introspective message identifying the key areas I wanted to improve - not only for her, but for myself. (5) She made comments before moving out that she 'may not be ready until the new year or a few months after' (obviously this also means she may never be ready, but to even indicate a timeline seems positive). (6) She wanted me to think about certain things in life (children, where I wanted to live) because she wanted us to be on the same page. And (7) since this was the first relationship for both of us, she made comments that maybe I should try dating other people so that I was sure she was the one.

 

If she is open to it, when would be a good time to reach out? We agreed not to contact each other (for now) except for in the case of emergencies/logistics. I don't want to reach out to her too soon, since that will show her that I can't respect her wishes/listen to her, since she wants to heal/grow as well. I also want to make sure that I *have* grown and reflected sufficiently such that I can make her happy - and this is something I truly am working on. I also don't want to reach out to her too late because I don't want her to move on from me. Early January seems like it could be a good time, since that'll mark ~3 months and I won't be reaching out during the holiday season (which may just convey that I'm lonely), but I'm not sure.

 

I think about her all day everyday and truly miss her. I know what I should do to change, and I know that I can make these changes to make her and both of us happy.

 

tl;dr: long-term gf ended relationship for fixable reasons (and I am making active efforts to grow), and gave signs that she may be open to revisiting things down the road. Do you agree? When is the best time to reach out?

Edited October 31, 2017 by tacticalcloud

[springy]

I truly am not trying to be the downer here, but much of what you describe is very common post breakup behavior. Whether any of it is genuine remains to be seen. The fact that she has asked you to start dating means that she is likely planning to do that herself and may already have someone in mind. Someone who still loves you in the romantic sense of the word would not "give you away" and take the risk of losing you to someone else. I don't doubt that she still cares for you, but it may be more platonic than romantically.

 

In my opinion setting up future dates that you can use to reconnect puts you on hold (subconsciously or consciously) so you should just play it by ear and not make future plans. Typically the person who ends the relationship is the one who should reach out if they decide they want to reconnect.

 

Common advise is to cut contact, stay off of their social media, and limit exposure to their activities after a breakup (gossip, hearsay). Spend time with friends/loved ones, work out- basically keep on living and stay busy when you can so you don't spend too much time wallowing. You will have those moments, they can't be avoided but the more you sit around moping the worse off you'll be. Good luck.

[tacticalcloud]

I truly am not trying to be the downer here, but much of what you describe is very common post breakup behavior. Whether any of it is genuine remains to be seen. The fact that she has asked you to start dating means that she is likely planning to do that herself and may already have someone in mind. Someone who still loves you in the romantic sense of the word would not "give you away" and take the risk of losing you to someone else. I don't doubt that she still cares for you, but it may be more platonic than romantically.

 

In my opinion setting up future dates that you can use to reconnect puts you on hold (subconsciously or consciously) so you should just play it by ear and not make future plans. Typically the person who ends the relationship is the one who should reach out if they decide they want to reconnect.

 

Common advise is to cut contact, stay off of their social media, and limit exposure to their activities after a breakup (gossip, hearsay). Spend time with friends/loved ones, work out- basically keep on living and stay busy when you can so you don't spend too much time wallowing. You will have those moments, they can't be avoided but the more you sit around moping the worse off you'll be. Good luck.

 

You're right, her comments could cut both ways. I fear the bolded, but I still hold onto hope since she qualified it with wanting me to know that she's the one. Maybe when she made the comments she wanted to see how committed I was to her? I resisted it fairly hard and told her that it's possible to know whether someone is the one, even if I haven't dated others. Maybe I'm just being blinded, but I know she's not the type of person to feed me BS just to make me feel better, so I also hold onto hope that it's genuine based on that.

 

We have cut contact, and I am limiting exposure. I'm trying to stay busy and see friends, but I feel like I just miss her more and more everyday. I'm so mad at myself that I screwed up the best thing that ever happened to me. It's never been easy for me to date, and I don't know how I got so complacent.

[ExpatInItaly]

I have to echo springy's thoughts. I agree with a lot in that post.

 

OP, the part that really stood out to me was that she suggested you date others - that's not good, because if she was really still into you, she wouldn't be able to stomach the idea of you going on dates with others. Nobody who hopes for a future with someone is going to advise them to date around to see if she's "the one." I think it's really her own desire, cloaked in a suggestion to you. I don't mean to say that she has someone lined up or is planning to date any time soon, but I also think she likely wants is curious about dating others and see what else is out there.

 

It's possible that you two could reconnect down the line. But having ended my own live-in relationships in my day, I can tell you that it's a drastic step to actually move out and it strongly suggests she reached her limit quite a while ago.

[tacticalcloud]

Maybe I've just been getting my hopes up too much then...

 

Surely, if she is willing to listen to what I have to say and lets me show her what I've improved on, there's still a chance? I feel like it's important that she really did enjoy and appreciate the efforts I made before she moved out. I could tell how much it meant to her.

Edited October 31, 2017 by tacticalcloud

[d0nnivain]

Nobody moves out lightly. Clearly she put a lot of thought into this & it wasn't the first time these issues came up.

 

 

I can only share my experience. By the time I was moving out & breaking up I was just done. There had been too many empty promises of change but nothing ever changed. When my EX came asking for a 2nd chance with more promises I was too angry to even hear him.

 

 

Years later after I was happily married I bumped into him & realized that he had made some of the changes I had begged him to make. Part of me was a bit jealous that another woman got to enjoy those things but deep down I knew my husband was the better long term choice.

 

 

NC is about healing not making the other person miss you. If you want to reconcile you have to talk and work together to solve the relationship's problems. You are way past that now. Besides, you chasing her will make her run faster. Only dumpers can initiate reconciliation talks. Since she is basically refusing to discuss this anymore you have to respect the fact that you already blew your 2nd possibly 3rd chance & you didn't even realize it.

 

 

Work on yourself. Stop oversharing. Accept that this is over.