Hopeful30 Posted October 31, 2017 Share Posted October 31, 2017 Someone made a comment the other day that I wasn't meant to hear, and it damn near broke my heart. I was at a party, granted I was the only single woman among couples in our social group, but I tried not to let that get me down. Then I overheard someone say "If a woman like THAT is single, then something HAS to be wrong with her." And that's when it felt like I was punched in the gut. This is not true! It's me who has always decided to move on because I realized that my past boyfriends and I weren't good matches for long term. Now most of them have started families and have kids, they seem happy. I made the right decision in moving on because afterwards they found the correct person. But what about me? Up until this party I didn't realize that I had a stigma attached to me. How can I combat this? I can't change who I am, but I also can't change how others perceive me. I could have come up to the guys and said something, but I'll admit my feelings were pretty hurt and I was too busy trying not to show it. How do you deal with stigma? Link to post Share on other sites
Imajerk17 Posted October 31, 2017 Share Posted October 31, 2017 (edited) I would instead consider it a compliment that the person who said it implied that you have a lot going for you. Meanwhile I'm not sure if there is any such stigma. In fact there are plenty of women on Match who are in their 20s, 30s, and 40s (and up) who have a lot going for them AND who are single. So the idea that there is something wrong with you because you haven't found the right guy for you (or that you decided not settle for someone not right for you) is just plain false. Edited October 31, 2017 by Imajerk17 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Zahara Posted October 31, 2017 Share Posted October 31, 2017 It's a "stigma" if YOU chose to make it one. A person who makes a comment like that is just ignorant and is limited in their thinking. I was single for many years and found it empowering. I was vacationing alone and I was sitting next to a couple on one of the tours. They asked me if I was alone and I said yes and told them I loved traveling alone after being single for many years. And they were amazed and in awe. Don't allow other people's perceptions to define you, especially those that are small minded. You should be secure and comfortable with who you are and your choices. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted October 31, 2017 Share Posted October 31, 2017 Find some new single friends. Seriously those salty B%^&*$ are not worth your time. Link to post Share on other sites
Chilli Posted October 31, 2017 Share Posted October 31, 2017 People are idiots when it comes to this sorta thing. My brothers gf said to me the other day , how come your single you could get a gf easy, hello, well l know that. hello, l just split up with someone, hello , l went through a divorce before that. What they think you just go hook up with just anyone , do they ever think that you want the right one, not just anyone but your single for a mth and it all takes time, yet they come out with crap like that. Another thing gets on my nerves is they seem to think the only "moving on " , is being with someone new. Yaknow, you can still be moved on but just not wanting to be in anything else or just enjoying the freedom , hell a lot of people don't even want another relationship. Even as a guy , l've had quite a bit of it since my divorce. Even mu ex w said something to me about moving on only a few mths back , after 5yrs. l haven't even seen her or talk to her only about my daughter , she knows nothing about my life now, wth makes her think l haven't moved on and l'd been with someone else nearly 2yrs anyway. She just didn't know about it. So yep , people are fulla sh@t with the single thing. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted October 31, 2017 Share Posted October 31, 2017 Was the speaker somebody who had never been single as an adult? Unless you have been there, it's hard to fathom for some people. I have friends from college who married immediately after graduation. They envied me somewhat with my single partying ways but mostly pitied me. I just got different friends & spent some more time with other un-coupled people to balance out all the togetherness. Perhaps raise your concern to your BFF among the party-goers to see if that person has some more insight into the speaker's unfortunate (& probably inebriated) comments. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted October 31, 2017 Share Posted October 31, 2017 Probably one of those times when you wished that you'd approached her with a snappy comeback. I don't know if you're like me, but I always come up with awesome comebacks about 24 hours after the event. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
SammySammy Posted October 31, 2017 Share Posted October 31, 2017 It’s not a stigma to me. I see a lot of average and mediocre people in a lot of average and mediocre relationships. If I'm not like them, that’s a good thing. It simply means I want and expect something different for myself. Rather than ... settling ... down ... because others do. Don’t apply other people’s negativity to yourself. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Cookiesandough Posted October 31, 2017 Share Posted October 31, 2017 (edited) Never got this one before because people already know something is wrong with me. Nah, seriously though, I've never noticed any stigma whatsoever for being single. Maybe it is depends on where you live or it's something that people who don't like to be single are very hypersensitive to.. I mean ppl have pointed out that I am single, but no stigma . If I heard that comment I'd take it as a compliment.lol Edited October 31, 2017 by Cookiesandough 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hopeful30 Posted October 31, 2017 Author Share Posted October 31, 2017 It's a "stigma" if YOU chose to make it one. A person who makes a comment like that is just ignorant and is limited in their thinking. I was single for many years and found it empowering. I was vacationing alone and I was sitting next to a couple on one of the tours. They asked me if I was alone and I said yes and told them I loved traveling alone after being single for many years. And they were amazed and in awe. Don't allow other people's perceptions to define you, especially those that are small minded. You should be secure and comfortable with who you are and your choices. Everything you say is true, but one ingredient is missing. I love being in relationships. I have been single for years at a time and on more than one occasion, and though there are beautiful lessons that cannot be learned otherwise, I'm passed the self discovery phase. I have travelled the world alone, and yeah it has it's perks, now I want to taste intimacy and doing these wonderful things with someone. I suppose that's why my feelings were so easily hurt by the comment. It's not so much that there is truth in what they said, it's more that I am craving to have a man of equal understanding and desire by my side, and that comment made me feel like all my single years of working on myself and growing towards success didn't bring me any closer to the kind of relationship I have always known I could have. As well, I feel like those of us who truly put our wellbeing and self-progress first seem to move past the general populace into a smaller pool of people who have more difficulty finding each other, and that comment made me feel even more alienated than I already do. I suppose to put it in lamens terms, why work towards being a duke in a world full of commoners, when the glories of the hard work won't bring you any closer to the acceptance of the people. Was the speaker somebody who had never been single as an adult? Unless you have been there, it's hard to fathom for some people. I have friends from college who married immediately after graduation. They envied me somewhat with my single partying ways but mostly pitied me. I just got different friends & spent some more time with other un-coupled people to balance out all the togetherness. Perhaps raise your concern to your BFF among the party-goers to see if that person has some more insight into the speaker's unfortunate (& probably inebriated) comments. The party was at a public venue, so the speakers were not part of our social group. To be honest I don't think it would matter why they said what they said, it seems to be a comment that isn't rare when it comes to singles who have their **** together. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
coolheadal Posted October 31, 2017 Share Posted October 31, 2017 Someone made a comment the other day that I wasn't meant to hear, and it damn near broke my heart. I was at a party, granted I was the only single woman among couples in our social group, but I tried not to let that get me down. Then I overheard someone say "If a woman like THAT is single, then something HAS to be wrong with her." And that's when it felt like I was punched in the gut. This is not true! It's me who has always decided to move on because I realized that my past boyfriends and I weren't good matches for long term. Now most of them have started families and have kids, they seem happy. I made the right decision in moving on because afterwards they found the correct person. But what about me? Up until this party I didn't realize that I had a stigma attached to me. How can I combat this? I can't change who I am, but I also can't change how others perceive me. I could have come up to the guys and said something, but I'll admit my feelings were pretty hurt and I was too busy trying not to show it. How do you deal with stigma? What gets me is why are you at such a party with shameless people who have nothing nice to say. That's so negative! I would have stand-up and said "you all are the losers here I am who I am and proud to be single woman" At least I know I haven't had any extramarital affairs like some of you here" Do you all think for one moment your better than me, think again! I am positive and I know I am going places away from the lot of you all! I'll show myself out the door thanks.. Goodbye! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hopeful30 Posted October 31, 2017 Author Share Posted October 31, 2017 What gets me is why are you at such a party with shameless people who have nothing nice to say. That's so negative! I would have stand-up and said "you all are the losers here I am who I am and proud to be single woman" At least I know I haven't extramarital affairs" Do you all think for one moment your better than me, think again! I am positive and I know I am going places away from the lot of you all! I'll show myself out the door thanks.. Goodbye! It was the birthday of a very good friend, the guys who made this comment were not part of our group. I don't feel the need to defend myself. If anything this comment just made me feel more lonely than I already am. Link to post Share on other sites
rightondude Posted October 31, 2017 Share Posted October 31, 2017 grass is always greener. I used to be jealous of all my single friends being able to cat around wherever whenever. They were all jealous of my seemingly stable life and perfect little nuclear family. Now I'm on the other side. And while there's definite advantages, I'd love to have my family back. Wasn't my choice, though. Happiness is a memory. Usually no one recognizes their happiness until it's passed. So realize most of these people are likely VERY jealous of your freedom! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Cookiesandough Posted October 31, 2017 Share Posted October 31, 2017 (edited) I understand. People can say something seemingly innocuous to them and others but it can really strike a chord to someone else. I think if being in a relationship is important to you and fulfills you, you should make that a priority. Never mind what people say, focus on your goals. Remember even when you're in a rship you may also feel judged for other reasons so it's important to be true to yourself and try not to let people's words impact you so much. Easier said than done, I know? Edited October 31, 2017 by Cookiesandough 1 Link to post Share on other sites
todreaminblue Posted October 31, 2017 Share Posted October 31, 2017 it used to be that you were considered an old maid at twenty if you weren't partnered up at least society gives us a little more time than that now before calling us hopeless spinsters...in fact i don't even think they use the word spinster anymore...yay progress..... i have heard people make disparaging remarks about people who marry young...saying it will never last,they dont know what they really want....etc...people say thoughtless things(arent you glad you cant read thoughts left unsaid) and i dont think you should let it hurt you or get to you even though it can be hard to filter hurt.... the most hurtful thing i have had said directly to me is ..no wonder he left you..he left because of you...no one will want you...i let that affect me.....and it is a case of what you let affect you...i told my ex that hurtful comment....and he said its nto true deb...i stuffed up and i wish i hadnt....he told me i was the perfect girlfriend when we were together......:0).....i just know i wasnt right for him......the same with you....you know you have done the right thing you may be single but its no slight on you or mean that there is anything wrong with you......and there's always going to be people who are unhappy with themselves that they need to put another down......you have to feel sorry for them ....like i feel sorry for the person who said that hurtful thing to me....he is actually quite lonely himself.....i wish you well....deb 2 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted October 31, 2017 Share Posted October 31, 2017 It was the birthday of a very good friend, the guys who made this comment were not part of our group. Ah, so it was a comment about someone else. I thought the people had been talking about you. Just as well you didn't pounce in with a snappy comeback! Sending you a hug. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hopeful30 Posted October 31, 2017 Author Share Posted October 31, 2017 it used to be that you were considered an old maid at twenty if you weren't partnered up at least society gives us a little more time than that now before calling us hopeless spinsters...in fact i don't even think they use the word spinster anymore...yay progress..... i have heard people make disparaging remarks about people who marry young...saying it will never last,they dont know what they really want....etc...people say thoughtless things(arent you glad you cant read thoughts left unsaid) and i dont think you should let it hurt you or get to you even though it can be hard to filter hurt.... the most hurtful thing i have had said directly to me is ..no wonder he left you..he left because of you...no one will want you...i let that affect me.....and it is a case of what you let affect you...i told my ex that hurtful comment....and he said its nto true deb...i stuffed up and i wish i hadnt....he told me i was the perfect girlfriend when we were together......:0).....i just know i wasnt right for him......the same with you....you know you have done the right thing you may be single but its no slight on you or mean that there is anything wrong with you......and there's always going to be people who are unhappy with themselves that they need to put another down......you have to feel sorry for them ....like i feel sorry for the person who said that hurtful thing to me....he is actually quite lonely himself.....i wish you well....deb It was hurtful not because the words were hurtful, but like a poster said, it struck a particular chord with me. The fact that something so trivial made such an impact made me realize that not being in a relationship is a sensitive topic for me, because it's something that I want. In response to another poster though, how can I make being in a relationship a priority? I mean you can make efforts of course, I've been on a few dates from online dating and I've been making an effort to go out more, but priority or not there are some things you can't force. Absolutely agree on the grass is greener, however I was never envious of single friends when I was in relationships. I was always content to be in relationships (the healthy ones anyways lol) 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hopeful30 Posted October 31, 2017 Author Share Posted October 31, 2017 Ah, so it was a comment about someone else. I thought the people had been talking about you. Just as well you didn't pounce in with a snappy comeback! Sending you a hug. I think there is some confusion. The comment was about me but was made but men who were not part of our birthday group the birthday was at a public venue. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
coolheadal Posted October 31, 2017 Share Posted October 31, 2017 It was the birthday of a very good friend, the guys who made this comment were not part of our group. I don't feel the need to defend myself. If anything this comment just made me feel more lonely than I already am. Well then you should have stand-up to them and tell them you're a positive woman your proud to be single. God doesn't show resentment for women being single. We all start out this way at first in life and if were lucky to find that right man so be it! I don't have to justify myself to you two or anyone. I am here to have a good time. What should really happen those who hosted the party should have kick them out. Your better than those two men. You need to build up your confidence level again. You just been hit by a dose of negative energy! Don't let that stand your way of positive energy good will! Link to post Share on other sites
Cookiesandough Posted October 31, 2017 Share Posted October 31, 2017 No of course don't force it!! Sorry.Just wanted to suggest making dating with the explicit goal of a relationship one of your main focuses. Put yourself out there, go on lots of dates, vet for men looking for LTR. There's a user here who made it her focus and after 200- something dates and telling men exactly what she wanted (serious relationship) she found her match. That's a lot but she was determined. Best of luck. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
coolheadal Posted October 31, 2017 Share Posted October 31, 2017 I think there is some confusion. The comment was about me but was made but men who were not part of our birthday group the birthday was at a public venue. They should be been asked to leave or shown the door by your friends there. They way you made it sound like all those at the party were saying this. Confusion is cleared up. Please don't let others who are negative ever bring you down stay positive (be happy that your are who you are) That is what positive means purest energy of life..I live by these ways of living today. I am surrounded by negative people each day but I am confident and bold I know who I am and proud of it. Can't please everyone, you what others say about you shouldn't put you down, you know better, you don't those comments but you can make yourself heard. Guys like that are worthless, they think they have the right to put others down because they think they're better then everyone else. True is they'r not! No one is ever better than anyone else. God made it so.. Link to post Share on other sites
todreaminblue Posted October 31, 2017 Share Posted October 31, 2017 It was hurtful not because the words were hurtful, but like a poster said, it struck a particular chord with me. The fact that something so trivial made such an impact made me realize that not being in a relationship is a sensitive topic for me, because it's something that I want. In response to another poster though, how can I make being in a relationship a priority? I mean you can make efforts of course, I've been on a few dates from online dating and I've been making an effort to go out more, but priority or not there are some things you can't force. Absolutely agree on the grass is greener, however I was never envious of single friends when I was in relationships. I was always content to be in relationships (the healthy ones anyways lol) the same with what was said to me it struck a chord because i always blame myself for failures....failed relationships failed communication.....when you are sensitive about a topic there's hurt there.....and it was the words said that revealed that hurt......i am sensitive about being single because i really miss being in a relationship.....i miss the closeness.....i miss the protection i feel in a relationship.... i miss the laughter the shared dreams and hopes....the making love......i miss all of it....physical and emotional...i feel exposed and i often feel vulnerable.....i miss doing things for my partner cooking.... inspiring...motivating him...being supportive and knowing i have someone who would take a bullet for me.. making him laugh.....feeling safe.....so being single is a sensitive topic for me too....because missing anything or anyone is the way for me to be hurt the most.....its my fear of abandonment working its ugly hands in my life.....whispering to me ill never be wanted or love like i want and the way i can love...everyoen will leave when they see how damaged i am..... but...i recognize the hands at work are not good or right and plain evil..........and then i remember im a good person who tries pretty hard to do right by others......and i will be fine....single or not.. a sensitive topic is often unsaid hurt striking a chord ..hurt we dont want to admit...deb 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hopeful30 Posted October 31, 2017 Author Share Posted October 31, 2017 the same with what was said to me it struck a chord because i always blame myself for failures....failed relationships failed communication.....when you are sensitive about a topic there's hurt there.....and it was the words said that revealed that hurt......i am sensitive about being single because i really miss being in a relationship.....i miss the closeness.....i miss the protection i feel in a relationship.... i miss the laughter the shared dreams and hopes....the making love......i miss all of it....physical and emotional...i feel exposed and i often feel vulnerable.....i miss doing things for my partner cooking.... inspiring...motivating him...being supportive and knowing i have someone who would take a bullet for me.. making him laugh.....feeling safe.....so being single is a sensitive topic for me too....because missing anything or anyone is the way for me to be hurt the most.....its my fear of abandonment working its ugly hands in my life.....whispering to me ill never be wanted or love like i want and the way i can love...everyoen will leave when they see how damaged i am..... but...i recognize the hands at work are not good or right and plain evil..........and then i remember im a good person who tries pretty hard to do right by others......and i will be fine....single or not.. a sensitive topic is often unsaid hurt striking a chord ..hurt we dont want to admit...deb Thank you. It's very comforting to know I'm not alone in this 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted October 31, 2017 Share Posted October 31, 2017 I even hated the question "Are you married?" or God forbid - "Why are you still single?" I used to get asked that frequently from families at work. Depending on the person, one of my favorite replies was "I'm still taking applications..." People would always laugh, and then they would usually move on... And now, I tease my boyfriend that he was the lucky "successful applicant." 1 Link to post Share on other sites
todreaminblue Posted October 31, 2017 Share Posted October 31, 2017 I even hated the question "Are you married?" or God forbid - "Why are you still single?" I used to get asked that frequently from families at work. Depending on the person, one of my favorite replies was "I'm still taking applications..." People would always laugh, and then they would usually move on... And now, I tease my boyfriend that he was the lucky "successful applicant." smilin........deb Link to post Share on other sites
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