How do you deal with 'single' stigmas?

[BaileyB]

I realize that it's often just well intended curiosity (although not in this case, OP), but it never failed to amaze me how people feel that something that is none of their darn business, is an open topic of discussion...

 

And yes, it's hard not to feel sometimes like there must be something wrong with you if you are still single... Even though, it couldn't be farther from the truth!

 

But never fear OP, when you are dating someone... the questions change to "where is the ring" or "when are you going to get married?"

 

And then, I'm sure the questions become "when are you going to have a baby?" When you are married.

 

Some people just have no concept of what is socially appropriate.

 

Chin up! Those boys didn't know what they were saying...

[No_Go]

But what about me? Up until this party I didn't realize that I had a stigma attached to me. How can I combat this? I can't change who I am, but I also can't change how others perceive me. I could have come up to the guys and said something, but I'll admit my feelings were pretty hurt and I was too busy trying not to show it.

How do you deal with stigma?

 

Learn to love it I've been recently genuinely enjoying comments of my single status. When I bought my house like every coworker and associate asked me did I get it with my BF/ husband I'm telling them - 'nope, nobody is in the picture and I'm super happy because I had all the freedom to choose what I like'.

 

Then I'm telling them I'm going on a trip. They start asking who is coming with me . I need to tell them I'm going all by myself - I chose the destination and I'm hopping on the plane super excited to explore.

 

Some think it is weird, others love it, in the end of the day - does it matter if you enjoy being single. Personally, I enjoy both being single and being in LTR (I just hate hate hate dating). At different times one feels more right than the other. I'm sure sooner than later I'll end up in a LTR so I'm trying to enjoy now the more limited resource: the time as a single person. You should enjoy too while you can. Maybe your next BF is around the corner

[kazen]

 

How do you deal with stigma?

 

 

Honestly, I don't really care what others think of me. When people judge you, it's base on their preference and values, not yours. Some people think being married is a good life, I think being single is better. That's the difference of opinion. Ultimately, the only opinion that should matter is yours. So for me, when I get asked if I'm single, I respond with a positive "yes". If they ask why, I always say "I enjoy my freedom." That would be it. You don't have to justify your position in life, because everyone walks a unique path.

[mrs rubble]

I think there is some confusion. The comment was about me but was made but men who were not part of our birthday group the birthday was at a public venue.

I would take it as a compliment, these guy's didn't know you at all and obviously thought you were good looking/vivacious or similar so that's why they're assuming that there is something wrong with you because you're single.

I was in single and lonely for a number of years in my 30's. I met a trail of losers on dating sites and never thought I'd meet anyone, until I gave up.

I joined a club, and met my new husband there. So I recommend giving up on dating and do things that you enjoy doing. Love comes when we least expect it.

[kassy]

It can suck. I've been in situations like that. But then I see some of my friends in relationships that seem so unhappy and I think better to be occasionally lonely when single than lonely when married.for the most part I have loved being single.

 

I focused on a lot of other aspects of my life and did date but sort of as an afterthought. Decided I want a boyfriend who I really like again and went on endless numbers of dates (probably in the ball park of 150). Honestly, mainly great guys, ones your mother would love but just not for me. That was hard. I was like maybe I'll never meet someone I like. It got to the point where I went and got some counseling to check I wasn't being rediculous. Turns out I wasn't. Then I met the most wonderful man. Obviously he's not perfect (no one is) but I can say he was definitely worth the wait we are incredibly well suited and have so much fun, I couldn't be happier.

 

So don't force it, but maybe do decide that if you want a relationship and you know what you want in one that you very actively pursue it. I basically treated it as one would a diet or a exercise program. I had other things in my life but also dating was a very high priority. But be prepared to meet a lot of frogs, like an overwhelming number of frogs, and I definitely recommend counseling if it gets too much. That helped me just realise I wasn't being rediculous or self sabotaging, I just hadn't met the right guy.

 

Hope that helps

[Highndry]

People are judgmental. Always have been, always will be. As a man who never married or had kids, I'm sure that's a "red flag" to some people. But, I never wanted kids and the world has plenty. When you're different in life, people start judging. It's their own fears and insecurities.

[Popsicle]

I honestly don't think women give it much thought about other women being single and if something is or isn't wrong with her. I think they don't care, not because they're more magnanimous, just that they don't care. They're not evaluating other women to date. Men on the other hand care more and may draw a conclusion about this. Will that make you dateless though? Not in the least. They'll still date you if they think you're attractive. And by that time, you'll find out that something is "wrong" with them too.

 

PS- I don't know if anyone has said it yet, but I don't think that comment had anything to do with you. Not sure why you took it personally.

[Gaeta]

I was told that comment 10s of time when I was single. I heard it from family, friends, collegues and even from business partners. I didn't care and didn't pay attention to it. I knew I was better single than being with the wrong person. I also knew it was just a matter of time for me to find my someone and I did.

 

Now that I have been in a relationship 2 years all I hear is when are you getting married, when are you moving in, when is he gonna take you to Paris.

 

People will always have something to say. You can decide to let it hit you or decide to let it go in 1 ear and out the other.

[d0nnivain]

It was the birthday of a very good friend, the guys who made this comment were not part of our group. I don't feel the need to defend myself. If anything this comment just made me feel more lonely than I already am.

 

When I first read your post I assumed that the speaker was another woman. That's what I get for assuming.

 

Now being told that the speaker was a man, puts a different spin on it. Especially if the guy himself was single (or worse a guy who is not happily married) the statement wasn't made to put you down but to stroke his own ego. If there was something wrong with you that explains why a smart together woman like you wouldn't date him. It means he doesn't have to look in the mirror or face what isn't working in his romantic life.

[barbossa]

Someone made a comment the other day that I wasn't meant to hear, and it damn near broke my heart. I was at a party, granted I was the only single woman among couples in our social group, but I tried not to let that get me down. Then I overheard someone say "If a woman like THAT is single, then something HAS to be wrong with her." And that's when it felt like I was punched in the gut. This is not true!

 

It's me who has always decided to move on because I realized that my past boyfriends and I weren't good matches for long term. Now most of them have started families and have kids, they seem happy. I made the right decision in moving on because afterwards they found the correct person.

 

But what about me? Up until this party I didn't realize that I had a stigma attached to me. How can I combat this? I can't change who I am, but I also can't change how others perceive me. I could have come up to the guys and said something, but I'll admit my feelings were pretty hurt and I was too busy trying not to show it.

 

How do you deal with stigma?

 

Hot women have to beat off men with a stick. I really do not see men being intimidated by attractive females.

 

If you are not being approached enough you might have a non approachable look to you. aka Beeech face.

 

You could also be too picky and hance no realistic guy can meet your requirements

[Hopeful30]

I realize that it's often just well intended curiosity (although not in this case, OP), but it never failed to amaze me how people feel that something that is none of their darn business, is an open topic of discussion...

 

And yes, it's hard not to feel sometimes like there must be something wrong with you if you are still single... Even though, it couldn't be farther from the truth!

 

But never fear OP, when you are dating someone... the questions change to "where is the ring" or "when are you going to get married?"

 

And then, I'm sure the questions become "when are you going to have a baby?" When you are married.

 

Some people just have no concept of what is socially appropriate.

 

Chin up! Those boys didn't know what they were saying...

 

Thank you for such encouraging words

 

Learn to love it I've been recently genuinely enjoying comments of my single status. When I bought my house like every coworker and associate asked me did I get it with my BF/ husband I'm telling them - 'nope, nobody is in the picture and I'm super happy because I had all the freedom to choose what I like'.

 

Then I'm telling them I'm going on a trip. They start asking who is coming with me . I need to tell them I'm going all by myself - I chose the destination and I'm hopping on the plane super excited to explore.

 

Some think it is weird, others love it, in the end of the day - does it matter if you enjoy being single. Personally, I enjoy both being single and being in LTR (I just hate hate hate dating). At different times one feels more right than the other. I'm sure sooner than later I'll end up in a LTR so I'm trying to enjoy now the more limited resource: the time as a single person. You should enjoy too while you can. Maybe your next BF is around the corner

 

This is true, we can't predict tomorrow. I've been single for years at a time though, so I admit I'm not as excited about it as I used to be.

 

People are judgmental. Always have been, always will be. As a man who never married or had kids, I'm sure that's a "red flag" to some people. But, I never wanted kids and the world has plenty. When you're different in life, people start judging. It's their own fears and insecurities.

 

I feel This way too (about marriage and kids) which never used to be a problem, but as I get older my single friends all get married and have babies, and slowly they drop off the map. I'm left feeling more alone than ever because everyone is busy with families, which is something I never wanted.

 

I suppose we are few.

 

I honestly don't think women give it much thought about other women being single and if something is or isn't wrong with her. I think they don't care, not because they're more magnanimous, just that they don't care. They're not evaluating other women to date. Men on the other hand care more and may draw a conclusion about this. Will that make you dateless though? Not in the least. They'll still date you if they think you're attractive. And by that time, you'll find out that something is "wrong" with them too.

 

PS- I don't know if anyone has said it yet, but I don't think that comment had anything to do with you. Not sure why you took it personally.

 

Because I'm a catch lol and I don't want to be single.

 

When I first read your post I assumed that the speaker was another woman. That's what I get for assuming.

 

Now being told that the speaker was a man, puts a different spin on it. Especially if the guy himself was single (or worse a guy who is not happily married) the statement wasn't made to put you down but to stroke his own ego. If there was something wrong with you that explains why a smart together woman like you wouldn't date him. It means he doesn't have to look in the mirror or face what isn't working in his romantic life.

 

I didn't of it as ego stroking! Thank you for that. I'm surprised people assumed it's women. I have found that above anyone, women understand not wanting to be single more than anyone else. I've always gotten support from fellow women (single or not) because they understood how difficult it is to find a good match.

 

Hot women have to beat off men with a stick. I really do not see men being intimidated by attractive females.

 

If you are not being approached enough you might have a non approachable look to you. aka Beeech face.

 

You could also be too picky and hance no realistic guy can meet your requirements

 

Lol!! This made me laugh. I'm very friendly I assure you, it's actually one of my better qualities. People person.

 

But I do have a b1tch face for when I need one! I suppose being Russian doesn't help, we are born with a somewhat b1tch quality to the face lol

[d0nnivain]

I'm surprised people assumed it's women. I have found that above anyone, women understand not wanting to be single more than anyone else. I've always gotten support from fellow women (single or not) because they understood how difficult it is to find a good match.

 

This is what I get for having the gall to Ass - u - me. lol

 

Anyway I thought it was a woman because I understood it was a couple-y event & in my neighborhood at those things, only the women were talking / gossiping while the men say around watching to talking about sports. It just seemed odd to me that I guy would 1). notice & 2). make a remark

[joseb]

You know what, Op, if a guy says that, all it means is he thinks you are hot. That's it.

Especially given he isn't a close friend.

 

I do agree that their is a bit of a stigma about being single in society. And it's probably worse for women.

There are actually quite a few books on it - 'singled out' is one I remember.

[Popsicle]

Because I'm a catch lol and I don't want to be single.

 

Awww you'll find someone. I just wish you weren't down about it.

[Popsicle]

I realize that it's often just well intended curiosity (although not in this case, OP), but it never failed to amaze me how people feel that something that is none of their darn business, is an open topic of discussion...

 

It's true. It is often just well intended curiosity. They don't realize that a)they are being too nosey and b) it's offensive. They really don't.

[fieldoflavender]

It can suck. I've been in situations like that. But then I see some of my friends in relationships that seem so unhappy and I think better to be occasionally lonely when single than lonely when married.for the most part I have loved being single.

 

I focused on a lot of other aspects of my life and did date but sort of as an afterthought. Decided I want a boyfriend who I really like again and went on endless numbers of dates (probably in the ball park of 150). Honestly, mainly great guys, ones your mother would love but just not for me. That was hard. I was like maybe I'll never meet someone I like. It got to the point where I went and got some counseling to check I wasn't being rediculous. Turns out I wasn't. Then I met the most wonderful man. Obviously he's not perfect (no one is) but I can say he was definitely worth the wait we are incredibly well suited and have so much fun, I couldn't be happier.

 

So don't force it, but maybe do decide that if you want a relationship and you know what you want in one that you very actively pursue it. I basically treated it as one would a diet or a exercise program. I had other things in my life but also dating was a very high priority. But be prepared to meet a lot of frogs, like an overwhelming number of frogs, and I definitely recommend counseling if it gets too much. That helped me just realise I wasn't being rediculous or self sabotaging, I just hadn't met the right guy.

 

Hope that helps

 

I'm hitting close to 50+ at least for first dates, I can't imagine hitting close to 150. I've talked to at least 150 people over the years.

 

Over what time span was your 150? I keep plugging away at it, but honestly it is demoralizing, you feel like it's a second or third job (on top of my multiple jobs already).

[Fair]

I don't know. I'm single and there definitely is a stigma but you can't change what people think.

 

I met another single woman in her late forties in my work place and felt a kinship with her though we never became friends... then one day I heard someone refer to her as 'eccentric".

 

I worked closely with her and only found her to be fun and full of life, adventurous and kind... but often scapegoated for being tall and model pretty and single... and really, no one would have referred to her as 'eccentric' if she'd been married with kids.

 

I took offense at it myself in a way because I'm not so blind as to think the same thing isn't being said of me behind my back all the time... if not worse. I'm certainly not liked in all quarters just because of my marital status. People get nervous when women are running around loose.

 

Anyway, That's half the reason for unkind labels. You'll never cease to be a threat on some level if you have any sex appeal at all...

 

How you deal with it? You can't change it and worrying about it will get you nowhere. That's all I know.

[toomanyquestions123]

Sorry OP that you had to deal with such negative *******s. May i ask how old approximately you are ?

 

I am 27 years old & been single for 6 months now ( dating a lot during this time, mostly rebounds ). It always scares me the idea of being single, 2 years ago i wanted to be single for at least one year, i thought i am still 25 years old, i want to do some self-discovery & meet the right one. Unfortunately,when i was doing a solo trip to the UK to "discover" myself & met my ex-fiancé that ripped my heart, turned out he was not that right. Now i feel like i have to do this all over again, but now i am older, carrying more baggage from the past. In my culture ( middle east ), women approaching the 30s or entering the 30s is a sign for spinsterhood as a term they like to use here. But i promised myself i am not going into a new relationship until i meet the right one, like really the very right one. I, as yourself, am scared that i will spend years alone & still not being able to to meet this someone. But then i say to myself that i should stay positive & right now i want to focus on myself and when it wants to happen it will happen.I love the idea to have a family & some blonde babies & i cant wait for this to happen, i just need to believe that i will happen at a certain point.

[hotpotato]

If someone isn't going to find me a bf, I don't care what they say.

 

My ex's friends told him there must be something wrong with me if I were fun and single. I do have my quirks.

 

I don't like dating. I don't like meeting a bunch of strangers. There's a good chance I'll remain single for a very long time.

 

One day someone felt bad for me for being alone and paid for my lunch. I wish that happened more often.