Jdoublenn Posted November 1, 2017 Share Posted November 1, 2017 (edited) Does anyone have success stories taking a formerly toxic relationship and working it out--> marriage and babies OR staying married long term? I know I'm being ridiculously hopeful here and you can (obviously) tell I'm struggling in my own LTR, deciding if I can make it work after so much good and just as much bad. 2 things that are not a factor in my own LTR: NO cheating NO physical abuse. Our issues have been him not knowing how to communicate well vs me having been to therapy and VERY good at taking disagreeents and turning them into calm discussions LOL (annoying for him I'm sure, I react to his rage with polite questions in attempt to sort it out) Also, let's be real. He doesn't know how to truly respect me. When he's upset at me, he'll throw past mistakes, hurtful words, pretty much anything at me just to make himself feel better. He's never cheated and is hopelessly in love with me, but simply doesn't know how to respect me and REALLY love, since his jacked up family never taught him. He has old style country boy manners and he really REALLY does want to make it work with me but I know I deserve more than what this is. However every time I leave him, (twice in two years) I end up going back.... I cannot see beyond him and even have tried to get with other guys or find someone new at one point but I ONLY want him so we end up trying again... so I'm in this current situation desperately trying to find some success story that makes me feel like less of an idiot for putting more time into this when everyone tells me -and trust me I believe them- it won't get better, only worse...but I just don't feel "done" yet, you know? [] TIA. Edited November 2, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Paragraphs and move to GRD Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted November 1, 2017 Share Posted November 1, 2017 Hi Jordann, the only success stories I know coming from toxic relationships have been when the abused partner leaves and finds much greener pastures. And lets be clear, your boyfriend's behaviour towards you is nothing short of abusive. But like you, these friends also had a couple of failed leaving attempts before they finally left for good. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
BluEyeL Posted November 1, 2017 Share Posted November 1, 2017 Hi Jordann, the only success stories I know coming from toxic relationships have been when the abused partner leaves and finds much greener pastures. And lets be clear, your boyfriend's behaviour towards you is nothing short of abusive. But like you, these friends also had a couple of failed leaving attempts before they finally left for good. Ha! I was coming to say that yes I have a super success story. After wasting way too many years of my life in a toxic relationship , I left and a few years later I'm happily married to a super kind and supportive man who makes me happy. Let that be your story and please don't have children with him. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted November 1, 2017 Share Posted November 1, 2017 No, I am sorry, I don't have sucess stories of dysfunctional relationship turning for the better. I have a few stories of dysfunctional relationships turning into horror though. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
central Posted November 1, 2017 Share Posted November 1, 2017 Sorry, no. It doesn't matter how much time and effort you've already put in, what matters is the future - and there is no good future with him. Please move on. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted November 1, 2017 Share Posted November 1, 2017 (edited) Ya the only success is walking away. You want to cure this relationship, you need to cure him. He needs anger management, some light therapy in dealing with why he has trouble controlling it and what triggers it. Then eventually learning to control his behavior ON HIS OWN...BUT he is the one that wants to make a difference. Remember it take two to repair a relationship, and if he isn't willing to make the changes in his behavior there is nothing left for you to do. Edited November 1, 2017 by smackie9 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted November 1, 2017 Share Posted November 1, 2017 What I see is that when you don't react with some emotion, he feels you don't understand what he is feeling, so he doesn't feel supported. Being supported is very important for a man in a relationship. My guess is he feels you are kinda mocking him with your intellect on communication. And that hurts him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jdoublenn Posted November 1, 2017 Author Share Posted November 1, 2017 What I see is that when you don't react with some emotion, he feels you don't understand what he is feeling, so he doesn't feel supported. Being supported is very important for a man in a relationship. My guess is he feels you are kinda mocking him with your intellect on communication. And that hurts him. I totally understand what you're saying here. But you aren't advising me to get to his level and holler back at him?! Lmao. When he's in a rage I don't think it's mocking in any sense, to let him get it all out and then proceed calmly to try and talk instead of yelling. I'm not a girl who gets crazy and yells, and frankly, he scares me when he gets that angry so I could never step up to bat and be like that back to him. Link to post Share on other sites
coolheadal Posted November 1, 2017 Share Posted November 1, 2017 Does anyone have success stories taking a formerly toxic relationship and working it out--> marriage and babies OR staying married long term? I know I'm being ridiculously hopeful here and you can (obviously) tell I'm struggling in my own LTR, deciding if I can make it work after so much good and just as much bad. 2 things that are not a factor in my own LTR: NO cheating NO physical abuse. Our issues have been him not knowing how to communicate well vs me having been to therapy and VERY good at taking disagreeents and turning them into calm discussions LOL (annoying for him I'm sure, I react to his rage with polite questions in attempt to sort it out) Also, let's be real. He doesn't know how to truly respect me. When he's upset at me, he'll throw past mistakes, hurtful words, pretty much anything at me just to make himself feel better. He's never cheated and is hopelessly in love with me, but simply doesn't know how to respect me and REALLY love, since his jacked up family never taught him. He has old style country boy manners and he really REALLY does want to make it work with me but I know I deserve more than what this is. However every time I leave him, (twice in two years) I end up going back....I cannot see beyond him and even have tried to get with other guys or find someone new at one point but I ONLY want him so we end up trying again... so I'm in this current situation desperately trying to find some success story that makes me feel like less of an idiot for putting more time into this when everyone tells me -and trust me I believe them- it won't get better, only worse...but I just don't feel "done" yet, you know? Anyways I'm Jordann and I'm new here but would love to hear from you guys! TIA. Finally someone who's trying to get them to relax and ask them questions instead of listening to them shouting at you. Bravo! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
heavenonearth Posted November 2, 2017 Share Posted November 2, 2017 I totally understand what you're saying here. But you aren't advising me to get to his level and holler back at him?! Lmao. When he's in a rage I don't think it's mocking in any sense, to let him get it all out and then proceed calmly to try and talk instead of yelling. I'm not a girl who gets crazy and yells, and frankly, he scares me when he gets that angry so I could never step up to bat and be like that back to him. No. Everyone is advising you to end the relationship, go NC, and heal. Link to post Share on other sites
Imajerk17 Posted November 2, 2017 Share Posted November 2, 2017 (edited) Does anyone have success stories taking a formerly toxic relationship and working it out--> marriage and babies OR staying married long term? I know I'm being ridiculously hopeful here and you can (obviously) tell I'm struggling in my own LTR, deciding if I can make it work after so much good and just as much bad. 2 things that are not a factor in my own LTR: NO cheating NO physical abuse. Our issues have been him not knowing how to communicate well vs me having been to therapy and VERY good at taking disagreeents and turning them into calm discussions LOL (annoying for him I'm sure, I react to his rage with polite questions in attempt to sort it out) Also, let's be real. He doesn't know how to truly respect me. When he's upset at me, he'll throw past mistakes, hurtful words, pretty much anything at me just to make himself feel better. He's never cheated and is hopelessly in love with me, but simply doesn't know how to respect me and REALLY love, since his jacked up family never taught him. He has old style country boy manners and he really REALLY does want to make it work with me but I know I deserve more than what this is. However every time I leave him, (twice in two years) I end up going back....I cannot see beyond him and even have tried to get with other guys or find someone new at one point but I ONLY want him so we end up trying again... so I'm in this current situation desperately trying to find some success story that makes me feel like less of an idiot for putting more time into this when everyone tells me -and trust me I believe them- it won't get better, only worse...but I just don't feel "done" yet, you know? Anyways I'm Jordann and I'm new here but would love to hear from you guys! TIA. Me thinks your "therapist", instead of teaching you these mad communication skills, should be working to figure out WHY you stay in such an unhealthy relationship. Edited November 2, 2017 by Imajerk17 1 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted November 2, 2017 Share Posted November 2, 2017 (edited) I totally understand what you're saying here. But you aren't advising me to get to his level and holler back at him?! Lmao. When he's in a rage I don't think it's mocking in any sense, to let him get it all out and then proceed calmly to try and talk instead of yelling. I'm not a girl who gets crazy and yells, and frankly, he scares me when he gets that angry so I could never step up to bat and be like that back to him. Obviously you don't know what I was trying to say here.....That wasn't my intention for you do....if it was I would have told you point blank. I was explaining why things are not working, and why he responds the way he does. I know what you are trying to achieve, and I am not disagreeing with your method. My advice was for him to get help/counseling/anger management so he can get a grip on his emotions, and learn to communicate better. Edited November 2, 2017 by smackie9 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jdoublenn Posted November 3, 2017 Author Share Posted November 3, 2017 Me thinks your "therapist", instead of teaching you these mad communication skills, should be working to figure out WHY you stay in such an unhealthy relationship. Lol that would be nice if she was around. I haven't had a therapist since I moved to Texas(and met him later), although I wanted to get one recently I haven't yet. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jdoublenn Posted November 3, 2017 Author Share Posted November 3, 2017 I know what you are trying to achieve, and I am not disagreeing with your method. My advice was for him to get help/counseling/anger management so he can get a grip on his emotions, and learn to communicate better. About a year ago he agreed to go but I was clearly just to ease my mind/keep me around. He went once to some sort of "anger" therapy and hated it. It sounded weird anyways but there wasn't much effort after that. Now with his new job and working 12hr days 7days a week. But it doesn't matter anyways, he wouldn't go now.. He needs to do all this without me, not because I "make him" at this point. There's too much bad and I need to just bail. Not give it anymore than I already have. I finally got sick of his BS the other day and sent him a long-ss message basically telling him I'm tired of the sh-t he's pulling lately and if he wants to do that, I'm gone. He half ass-d apologized after he got off work and read it, but then we didn't talk much after that. Didn't hear from him this morning so I'm assuming tonight will be the same. In fact I'm kind of hoping...I'm not strong enough to do NC unless he initiates it. I know, pathetic. But I'm being honest. Link to post Share on other sites
Vyliss Posted November 6, 2017 Share Posted November 6, 2017 Things to consider. Most people's personality have a very limited range of changing. People can change of course, but only small changes over a LONG period of time. (And only if they do it for themselves - not for you). If you're having this much trouble it's obvious despite loving each other, you're NOT compatible. At least your fighting styles/communication styles are not compatible. And that's reason enough to break up and find more suitable partners. A big part of loving someone is to accept them the way they are. If the way your husband naturally is is NOT making you happy - you gotta leave. It's not fair on him or you to stay and to try "force change" on the other person. It's also not fair for you to "force change" on yourself just so you can stay in this relationship. A good relationship is one where you can be yourself, the other person can be themselves and you are both happy at least 90% of the time. Neither of you should need to make drastic changes to make the other happy. That's a recipe for disaster. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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