Is his ex a threat?

[Topaze]

A friend of mine shared this dilemma and I did not know what to tell her so I decided to bounce it off the fine folks here.

 

She has been hanging out with this guy for about 1 1/2 years. He is the one who started flirting with her, called her and asked her out. He takes her out regularly and always pays but sometimes his intensity of interaction fluctuates. For example, he will call her every day for a while and then she will go for several days without hearing from him. They see each other about twice a week.

 

One concern she has is that he has never tried to kiss her or hold her hand. He has indicated that he thinks the woman should make the first move but my friend is just not used to doing that. She has made a few attempts to get physical, but he has not taken things further.

 

Anyway, when they first started hanging out, she was concerned because he was still friends with a number of his ex-girlfriends. He would mention one woman who he used to date 4 years agor from time to time and this made her uncomfortables. After a while, he seemed to be mentionning her more but referrring to her as a friend. A couple of times she has left him messages and when she did not hear from him and called him on his cell, he was with her. He insists that they are just friends. For example, a couple of weeks ago, he called my friend and said that he was "with a friend". Later, he shared that it was his ex and they had gone for a drive in the country looking at houses.

 

The last straw came when she went away on a business trip. She returned yesterday and left him a voice message but did not hear from him. After 24 hours she called him on his cell. He said that he was on the road. He called her as soon as he got home and indicated that he AND his ex AND her son had gone up to a mutual friend's cottage, gone sailing and stayed overnight. So what exactly is going on?

 

So, is this a lost cause? If he is back with his ex why doesn't he just come out and tell her. My friend just feels like returning his things and telling him not to contact her anymore.

 

What advice do you think I should give my friend? She is EXTREMELY upset?

[lisamonique86]

Originally posted by Topaze

A friend of mine shared this dilemma and I did not know what to tell her so I decided to bounce it off the fine folks here.

 

She has been hanging out with this guy for about 1 1/2 years. He is the one who started flirting with her, called her and asked her out. He takes her out regularly and always pays but sometimes his intensity of interaction fluctuates. For example, he will call her every day for a while and then she will go for several days without hearing from him. They see each other about twice a week.

 

One concern she has is that he has never tried to kiss her or hold her hand. He has indicated that he thinks the woman should make the first move but my friend is just not used to doing that. She has made a few attempts to get physical, but he has not taken things further.

 

Anyway, when they first started hanging out, she was concerned because he was still friends with a number of his ex-girlfriends. He would mention one woman who he used to date 4 years agor from time to time and this made her uncomfortables. After a while, he seemed to be mentionning her more but referrring to her as a friend. A couple of times she has left him messages and when she did not hear from him and called him on his cell, he was with her. He insists that they are just friends. For example, a couple of weeks ago, he called my friend and said that he was "with a friend". Later, he shared that it was his ex and they had gone for a drive in the country looking at houses.

 

The last straw came when she went away on a business trip. She returned yesterday and left him a voice message but did not hear from him. After 24 hours she called him on his cell. He said that he was on the road. He called her as soon as he got home and indicated that he AND his ex AND her son had gone up to a mutual friend's cottage, gone sailing and stayed overnight. So what exactly is going on?

 

So, is this a lost cause? If he is back with his ex why doesn't he just come out and tell her. My friend just feels like returning his things and telling him not to contact her anymore.

 

What advice do you think I should give my friend? She is EXTREMELY upset?

 

 

 

To be very blunt, it sounds as though your friend is being used. He only calls her when it's convenient for him. It seems as though he is lying to your friend (by being vague) about the nature of the relationship he holds with his ex.

 

personally, I'd let her down slow, this guy is wasting her time and i truly think if he was that into her, after all this time something should have happened between them!

 

theres my two cents

[Breathe]

My ex husband and I are very close. I've been remarried for 6 years now and he very much a part of our family. We are friends and parents together. We talk on the phone, have dinners together and such. I often wonder if he ever finds a special someone, if she will look at our relationship as a threat. I certainly don't want the new someone to come in and cause problems, so the thing would be to include her in things and make her feel as comfortable as possible. Let her see for her own eyes how our relationship is.

 

If this guy doesn't want the two woman to meet each other, then it's a good possiblity he is hiding something and using your friend. She needs to communicate with him how she feels. Get a reaction from this guy and go from there. If he cares about her, he'll include her.

[Topaze]

Good suggestion. She has never asked to meet her.

 

Now I am curious about one thing. Why does he talk about the ex and why did he tell about the cottage thing? BTW, they weren't alone at the cottage. They were visiting mutual friends but it SURE sounds like couple behaviour to me. What do you think. She has no way of knowing if they shared a room but either way it sounds inappropriate.

[Breathe]

Credit to the guy for being honest about where he is and who he is with. This could be the sign that he has nothing to hide. They are obviously close friends regardless of their past dating, but what has your friend heard to make her think there could be something more?

 

Have they discussed where they stand in their relationship? How serious are they? Maybe she has stronger feelings for him than he does her. Thus being said, this could be why your friend hasn't met the ex yet. Example, you wouldn't take someone home to meet your folks if it wasn't serious - so maybe this is why he hasn't taken the initutive to have to two women meet. It could be a number of reasons, but your friend isn't going to know anything without communicating with this guy. She needs to start there, and see where it goes.

[Topaze]

I guess it's a couple of things. The amount of time he is spending with his ex seems to be increasing and the fact that they had a mini vacation involving an overnight stay seems to me to be crossing the line in terms of what is appropriate for a relationship that is strictly plantonic. Even if nothing happened, if they persist in this pattern, something could easily happen again given their past history.

 

What should my friend say to broach this discussion? She is VERY emotional about the whole thing and understandably so. She senses that the ex is definitely interested in getting back together with her boyfriend as a lot of the contacts seem to be initiated by her. This is making her very uncomfortable.

[Topaze]

REALLY need some help on this one. She typed out a long e-mail to him expressing her feelings. Unfortunately, when she hit send, she got an error message and it didn't go through. Now she is back at square one. What is the best approach to t his uncomfortable situation?

[loony]

I'm not sure if it's not very controlling when she checks on him just because he doesn't answer her messages immediately.

 

As they have been seeing each other for such a long time and nothing physical has happened I wonder if they're really in a relationship or if it's not something that she made up in her head. Sometimes people who are interested and would like to take things further but are too shy tend to get a bit desperate, nervous and aggressive with time when they don't see anything happen. Others with time will get frustrated and move on. Your friend seems to belong to the former group.

 

I can't help but think that your friend seems to be a very demanding person, demanding not in the sense of being high-maintenance but in the sense of having clear defined roles for men and women. She seems to wait for him to enlighten her about the situation instead of just telling him to come clean with her.

[Topaze]

I may be missing something but I don't see how calling someone on their cell phone more than 24 hours after leaving a voice massage from them and not hearing from them is controlling. The reason he gave her the cell phone number was so that she could get in touch with him.

 

I guess my friend really does have clear roles and expectations and real relationships don't follow a script.

 

They did go out for dinner and spend an entire evening together last night. (It was HIS invitation). She still has not brought up her concerns and is not sure how to broach them.

 

Any advice would be appreciated?

[loony]

Originally posted by Topaze

I may be missing something but I don't see how calling someone on their cell phone more than 24 hours after leaving a voice massage from them and not hearing from them is controlling. The reason he gave her the cell phone number was so that she could get in touch with him.

That was not clear from your previous posts. I thought she would send him text messages and then call him when he didn't reply immediately.

 

I guess my friend really does have clear roles and expectations and real relationships don't follow a script.

My bet now would be that the friend is you.

 

They did go out for dinner and spend an entire evening together last night. (It was HIS invitation). She still has not brought up her concerns and is not sure how to broach them.

She should ask him clearly. My guess is, he is not interested in her and she should be prepared to not get the reply that she hopes for. If after 1 1/2 years things are still wishy-washy it's simply not a romantic relationship.

 

She should offer him the opportunity to explain how he feels about the relationship, what he is looking for. In my experience people appreciate it a lot when you take the time to ask them what they want. They will also respect you more when you can stand up for yourself, because right now she's letting him drag things along right now, she has given up her right to have a clear defined situation without doubts, she's just waiting on him to act -- why should he respect her? He owes her a clear answer after so much time. If he's not able to provide her with an outlook for better times, she should leave and preserve her dignity at least.

 

If she really wants him and he seems to be interested in her, too, they'll have to work on their communication if they want to have a chance for their relationship in the future because I really believe, let's be frank here, their communication is crappy. So much time has passed and there are still so many doubts. Obviously something is deeply wrong between those two and if they're not going to solve it their relationship sooner or later will end in the gutter, with or without any ex-partners in the picture.

[Topaze]

Originally posted by loony

 

 

She should ask him clearly. My guess is, he is not interested in her and she should be prepared to not get the reply that she hopes for. If after 1 1/2 years things are still wishy-washy it's simply not a romantic relationship.

 

She should offer him the opportunity to explain how he feels about the relationship, what he is looking for. In my experience people appreciate it a lot when you take the time to ask them what they want. They will also respect you more when you can stand up for yourself, because right now she's letting him drag things along right now, she has given up her right to have a clear defined situation without doubts, she's just waiting on him to act -- why should he respect her? He owes her a clear answer after so much time. If he's not able to provide her with an outlook for better times, she should leave and preserve her dignity at least.

 

If she really wants him and he seems to be interested in her, too, they'll have to work on their communication if they want to have a chance for their relationship in the future because I really believe, let's be frank here, their communication is crappy. So much time has passed and there are still so many doubts. Obviously something is deeply wrong between those two and if they're not going to solve it their relationship sooner or later will end in the gutter, with or without any ex-partners in the picture.

 

Absolutely, I think you are right on the money here. I am actually going to share this link with her. How should she approach this? Clearly, as you say, neither of them are adept at conversation. They did have a couple of conversations about their relationship but the only thing that really got clarified was that he wasn't ready for a commmitment. She does like him and wants this to be a success. Any suggestions about what she should say to get the ball rolling?

[Topaze]

Need more ideas on this one. Thanks.