Mixed Signals and Long Distance Troubles

[GlobeTrotter9]

So I'm currently working abroad for 10 months (and have been away for roughly 2 and a half months of that now). My girlfriend has remained in the UK and the time difference has certainly not been very useful as I'm quite a few hours ahead meaning we don't get to talk as often as we'd like.

 

The first month or so was fairly straight forward but then the inevitable difficulties of a long distance relationship started to set in. I'm out here with a lot of work colleagues and new friends in a warm climate and obviously exploring and going out quite a bit in my spare time to make the most of being out here. On more than one occasion, she's gotten angry at me for being in pictures with other girls and at parties etc., which to some extent I can appreciate must be difficult to see. But I've assured her every time that I would never cheat (which I wouldn't) and have always been open about exactly what I'm doing and who I'm with. But it definitely is a point of contention. I don't want to hurt her by going out all the time but I also need to live my life out here and can't just stay in the house for 10 months. Jealously has also never been her scene in the past.

 

So that's the sort of back drop to what we're dealing with here. But lately I've been getting massive mixed signals from her about where this is going. When I text her, I always try to tell her about my day, ask how she is and whats new in her life but for the last couple of weeks I've been getting very blunt responses which makes keeping a text conversation going very difficult. She'll pretty much answer my texts directly and not add anything else or give me any insight in to her day. Whenever we talk over the phone things seem ok and she's generally quite cheerful but the second it goes back to texting she becomes blunt and uninterested again which has never really been the case when texting in the past.

 

We're seeing each other again in a few weeks time for a couple of days which I'm really looking forwards to, I just feel like I'm more excited for it than she is though.

 

Never done long distance before so would appreciate if anyone else could share their advice/experiences if something similar has happened? I obviously am under no illusion that long distance is easy, especially for her as the person who's 'left behind' so to say, but are these warning signs that her heart isn't in it any more? I'd be absolutely gutted to have to watch her slip away with nothing I can do.

[ExpatInItaly]

Have you directly asked her what's up? I would tell her (on the phone) that you've noticed she seems uninterested in communicating between phone calls and you are concerned. Let her explain.

 

She is probably happy when she's actually talking to you because she it quells her anxiety to an extent. But then as soon as you're off the phone, she gets caught up in the negative tailspin of wondering what you're doing, who you're with - and goes cold. It's not the most mature way to handle relationship or distance anxiety, but I suspect that's what's up. It's likely a mix of resentment, feeling left out, and jealousy that you're having fun in the company of other women. I am not suggesting you're doing anything you shouldn't be, but your girlfriend's mind is probably in overdrive worrying.

[butterfly5545]

I would ask her what is going on with her and if there is something wrong or if something happened in her life.

[edem]

You laid the situation out well. It sounds to me like she needs reassurance of your care for her and maybe even a fuller commitment from you. Seeing pics on social media is hard so you might want to avoid those and nix posting them for a while. Think about how you'd feel if you were in her shoes. Not to say you're doing anything wrong, it's just perception. You're in a new environment, it sounds cool and exciting, and meeting all these new people, including new ladies. She's worried. And she's living her normal life while you're gallivanting around the world (which I love to, as well).

 

So, you have a choice, in my opinion, and please take note of this: You can be right or can be loved. In some cases you can't have both. Which one do you want? It's true, you're doing absolutely nothing wrong and I applaud you for your integrity and not messing around with other women while you're dating someone--that's integrity.

 

Sometimes you can't be "right", however, and be "loved" at the same time. To get the love from her you may have to tone it down a bit with the pics, at least. Plus, try to find new ways to show you care.

 

Do you know her love languages? Is it gifts, quality time, acts of service, physical touch, or words of affirmation? Find out. Then, do something out of the ordinary like send her a paper card and letter in the mail. Or, setup a movie night with her where you're both watching the same flick at the same time.

 

In a long distance relationship you have to try harder--the status quo won't do so find those special ways to care for her while you're abroad. And don't strive to be "right", go for the "love". Hope this helps.

[GlobeTrotter9]

Thank you both for the messages.

 

I'm really not sure what to do now though. I've taken all the advice in to account and asked her what was up while over the phone and she just shrugged it off saying she didn't think anything was up. But since then things have gotten even worse. She's so hot and cold with me its like walking on egg shells and the only time she seems to be fine is when she knows I'm in the office or at home. But whenever I'm out, even if its with the guys or just for dinner with colleagues, she's so blunt and distant which I really don't think its fair. I need to live my life out here too just like I'm sure she still is at home.

 

She told me she doesn't want to hear about who I'm out with etc. but then also when I just mention that I'm out she gets pissed when I don't elaborate. Just can't seem to win and its caused so much tension over the last few weeks.

 

If the whole time I'm out here is going to be like this then I'm not sure I can handle it because its really bringing me down when I know I'm not doing anything wrong. Its quite upsetting that she says she trusts me but her actions clearly indicate otherwise. Of course I miss her like crazy too but it feels like she really doesn't trust me out here and is just looking for reasons to call me out. She's supposed to be flying out to in a few days time (its an 8 hour flight so no small matter) but she hasn't messaged me for nearly 2 days now and has ignored all my texts in between. I don't know what to do if we stay hot and cold or its perfect honeymoon behaviour when we're out here and just goes back to how it is afterwards now again. Or if it will end up just being really awkward because theres a lot of resentment that seems to be building up.

[justwhoiam]

So what happened with you and your girlfriend?

 

I'm out here with a lot of work colleagues and new friends in a warm climate and obviously exploring and going out quite a bit in my spare time to make the most of being out here.

My dear, you are the one who needs to find a balance not getting swept away with the new lifestyle. You are the one who needs to make some time for her, do something special for her, show her you love her, etc.

You're the one who left and went far away, and besides work, spends most of the time having fun without your girlfriend.

 

On more than one occasion, she's gotten angry at me for being in pictures with other girls and at parties etc.

And in these 2.5 months was there any public post about her? I guess not. So guess what. You felt the urge to let everyone know you're having fun where you're at and how much, but what about the girlfriend you left home? She's not on stand-by.

 

When I text her, I always try to tell her about my day, ask how she is and whats new in her life

So it's just texts? Or are there any calls, videocalls or?

 

We're seeing each other again in a few weeks time for a couple of days

Did she come to you? How did it go?

 

would appreciate if anyone else could share their advice

If you want to keep her, do something. Make her feel special. Do something just for her and/or with her, even while she's back home. Think out of the box.

 

are these warning signs that her heart isn't in it any more?

They look like signs saying hey, do something or you'll regret it.

 

she needs reassurance

I second that.

and maybe even a fuller commitment from you

Well said.

 

you have a choice

Spot-on.

 

You can be right or can be loved. In some cases you can't have both. Which one do you want?

Amen to that.

 

Do you know her love languages? Is it gifts, quality time, acts of service, physical touch, or words of affirmation? Find out. Then, do something out of the ordinary like send her a paper card and letter in the mail. Or, setup a movie night with her where you're both watching the same flick at the same time.

Great advice.

 

I've taken all the advice in to account and asked her what was up while over the phone and she just shrugged it off saying she didn't think anything was up

Come on, you know what's wrong... just face it, instead of confronting her because of her reactions. Change your attitude, give her some (whatever it is) and you won't even have to address the topic of what's up.