Been a while

[Ronnie33]

I've been on here for years now, I come back often and lurk but don't say much.

Recently I have seen a lot of new names of people in the beginning stages of an affair, or struggling with NC and the questions of why, and was it real, and all the other obsessive thoughts that go along with it. So I wanted to come in and try to help because I know how awful those times are.

 

My affair was 4 years long, yes four years, almost five. I shake my head when I right that. These thing suck away time like some kind of parallel vortex.

 

We started as coworkers, I was married he was newly single after a very bad break up. My marriage was a mess and he was a mess from his break up of 5 years. Anyway, we became close friends who leaned on eagchother for support. Just like most stories on here, we started having an emotional affair, and then after almost a year it turned physical. Did we mean for it to happen?? Not one bit, but once it started it took on a life of its own. During that time he started dating someone. I was too scared to leave my marriage, my son was young. He continued to date this woman but we went further down the rabbit hole of the affair. We were so addicted to eachother, it really is like a drug.

 

Fast forward 4 years and I am now divorced and he is married to that woman. That's right, I left my husband, became single, while he was engaged to her and he stayed with her. Did he stop the affair? No. Why? Because he loved two women and was a selfish asshat. Two days after his wedding he broke the NC I initiated and told me he missed me so much. I went back, why? Because being without him hurt more. Or so I told myself.

 

So where are we now? Well I've been divorced for over a year. I don't regret it. My husband and I's marriage was a mess before the affair. My husband neverfound out abotbthe affair. We get along for my son and there is no reason for him to know. Do I hate that I cheated on him? Absolutely. I used to hold myself to this high moral code of standard. Now I feel tarnished and dirty. I will

never be the same woman. These things change you.

 

Did I love my AP? 100%. Do I think he loved me? Yes, I really do. Does it change anything? Not one bit. We will never be together. Staying in touch only prolongs the pain and reinforces the feelings of hurt and sadness that you will never have more. So why do we do it? Because NC hurts so bad, the missing, obsessing, longing. It gets so painful that we go back because something is better then nothing. But it's not. As the years go by it just get worse until you literally don't know who the hell you are anymore. Like a drug addict, so reliant on that next hit to get you by. Then the second you sober up you go back again, becaus the withdrawal sucks. I have gone NC more times then I can count but one of us always breaks it. Not because we are soulmates or star crossed lovers, but because we are two, selfish, broken people who have a bond based out of lies and deception for eachother.

 

I am single now, raising my son and I date. I have a lot of male followers. There's one in particular I like a lot. We were good friends for along time. The thing is that I'm so jaded now. I look at everything different and believe no one is really faithful.

 

I haven't spoken to my AP in a few weeks. I told him I wanted to date someone else and I can't have him there in the background. I miss him everyday, 4 years is along time. You know what's worse though? Regret. I already regret the past four years I lost in a pointless relationship. I don't want to regret another four.

 

Remember, Love is just a word if there are no actions behind it.

 

Sometimes to rebuild, we have to tear it all down, first.

 

Let it burn, dont put the fire out, let it go out on its own.

[miggyme1]

You played with fire and got BURNED. u SHOULD HAVE DIVORCED THE HUSBAND SO YOU COULD BE WITH THE OTHER GUY, OTHER GUY GOT TIRED OF WAITING AND FOUND SOMEONE WHO COULD COMMIT TO HIM 100%.

 

Sorry for yelling but i think my caps button was broke.lol

 

wait i think its working now

 

Ok so yea. You were in a very sticky situation but as u stated your marriage was already in shambles before you met th enew guy so you should of divorced hubby. Dont give me the excuse about your son being young because in actuality its better for the child to be young, think about trying to leave your husband with teenagers, their father is all they know so breaking that up is kind of giving your teenager the role or duty of picking a side and it can get ugly. With small children u avoid all that.

 

You should of divorced hubby and dated other guy, see if it was going to work and if not u get to move on and not feel "dirty" as u put it. The end of story

[rumblefish12]

Did I love my AP? 100%. Do I think he loved me? Yes, I really do. Does it change anything? Not one bit. We will never be together. Staying in touch only prolongs the pain and reinforces the feelings of hurt and sadness that you will never have more. So why do we do it? Because NC hurts so bad, the missing, obsessing, longing. It gets so painful that we go back because something is better then nothing. But it's not. As the years go by it just get worse until you literally don't know who the hell you are anymore. Like a drug addict, so reliant on that next hit to get you by. Then the second you sober up you go back again, becaus the withdrawal sucks. I have gone NC more times then I can count but one of us always breaks it. Not because we are soulmates or star crossed lovers, but because we are two, selfish, broken people who have a bond based out of lies and deception for eachother.

 

This is so good. I can really identify with this. I think a lot of people can. Thank you for sharing that.

[Ronnie33]

You played with fire and got BURNED. u SHOULD HAVE DIVORCED THE HUSBAND SO YOU COULD BE WITH THE OTHER GUY, OTHER GUY GOT TIRED OF WAITING AND FOUND SOMEONE WHO COULD COMMIT TO HIM 100%.

 

Sorry for yelling but i think my caps button was broke.lol

 

wait i think its working now

 

Ok so yea. You were in a very sticky situation but as u stated your marriage was already in shambles before you met th enew guy so you should of divorced hubby. Dont give me the excuse about your son being young because in actuality its better for the child to be young, think about trying to leave your husband with teenagers, their father is all they know so breaking that up is kind of giving your teenager the role or duty of picking a side and it can get ugly. With small children u avoid all that.

 

You should of divorced hubby and dated other guy, see if it was going to work and if not u get to move on and not feel "dirty" as u put it. The end of story

 

You are new here so I will try not to be rude with my response. It was a lot more complicated then my son being just young. My story is long and it's all there if youbwere to read it. Anyway, I wasn't ready at the time and yes he met someone else and continued to cheat on her with me all through their realtionship. One could say he could have left her before he married her to be with me when I was single but it's all apples and oranges. We were selfish and addicted to eachother.

[Ronnie33]

This is so good. I can really identify with this. I think a lot of people can. Thank you for sharing that.

 

Thanks dude. I know your affair was very similar to mine. It's so hard to beat but sometimes we have to get real with ourselves and see it for what it was. I loved him, I really do, but it doesn't make that love and the way we went about it all these years, any less wrong.

[S2B]

You love the man you THOUGHT he was.

 

You may never know who he really is. An illusion...

[sandylee1]

You love the man you THOUGHT he was.

 

You may never know who he really is. An illusion...

 

I think saying thst is unfair really. He's no better or worse than Ronnie.

 

Men always get slammed here.

[Ronnie33]

You love the man you THOUGHT he was.

 

You may never know who he really is. An illusion...

 

I love him, in four years I know I loved him.

 

I also realize that more then anything I loved who I thought we could be together.

[Ronnie33]

I think saying thst is unfair really. He's no better or worse than Ronnie.

 

Men always get slammed here.

 

I totally agree with you. Some MM are serial cheaters and they really do look for women to play. Mine wasn't, it was a first for both of us. We were two broken, lonely people.....the perfect storm for an affair.

[grassisorisntgreener]

I love him, in four years I know I loved him.

 

I also realize that more then anything I loved who I thought we could be together.

 

I struggle with this too. I thought we were forever.

[MidnightBlue1980]

Now I feel tarnished and dirty. I will

never be the same woman. These things change you.

 

 

Hi Ronnie,

 

I remember you. You can let go of the tarnished and dirty feeling. The only person judging you...is you. Believe me, I relate and I struggled with that feeling for at least 6 months after NC finally started.

 

The thing is, there are no do-overs, you can't go back and start again. You have three choices (as I saw it), (1) completely give up, lay down in a hole and die, literally or metaphorically, (2) go on and live your life but live it with the constant feeling of shame, regret and self loathing or (3) just f*cken let it all go, like a bag of rocks you've been carrying, day in and day out. Once you see these 3 choices, well (1) and (2), they kinda are nothing but a recipe for an unhappy life, only really punishing yourself and your son - no one else cares (certainly not him). You can do (3), just let it go, realize you are human, you made a mistake, move on and don't look back.

 

This is your only life. How do you want to live it? In the constant state of shame and regret or just be happy, live your life and move forward in peace?

 

And don't listen to missyme or people who say you should have left your husband or you took too long, blaming you. He was not married when you got divorced. He could have easily broken the engagement. There was nothing you could do because nine times out of ten, the man will always pick the woman who did not cheat with him. He just sees his wife or fiance as the innocent one and the other woman as the villain. It was not your fault. So don't beat yourself up. It was just not meant to be.

 

And you don't see this now, but you don't want a guy who could marry someone while in an affair and pick up immediately after the wedding. Am I being hypocritical? Sure. But you know it's a truth. If they cheat with you, they will cheat on you.

[Daisy2013]

I remember you. It is hard to move on because we do love them. It seems you may be beginning to move on and dating others, I truly hope you find peace and happiness. And trust.

 

Re love being an action. I told my mm that his words were just that...words bc no action. He got so angry with me and replied in a snarky manner "Do you love me?" I said "yes" and he answered "those are just words" and gave me a dirty look.

 

Anyway, I understand how you are feeling and know the hole in our hearts and soul that is left when we no longer have them. I do wish you thn best.

[malvern99]

Re love being an action. I told my mm that his words were just that...words bc no action. He got so angry with me and replied in a snarky manner "Do you love me?" I said "yes" and he answered "those are just words" and gave me a dirty look.

 

Words alone are nothing more than wind. They are easy to say, and they cost nothing. Actions speak volumes.

 

OP says she thinks her AP loved her, yet when he had a golden opportunity to make a life with her, he chose someone else. She ties herself in knots to try and explain the discrepancy between her thoughts and his actions. She brands her AP a coward, and says that he loves both his new wife and her. It's often the lies we tell ourselves that are the most detrimental to our health.

[Ronnie33]

Words alone are nothing more than wind. They are easy to say, and they cost nothing. Actions speak volumes.

 

OP says she thinks her AP loved her, yet when he had a golden opportunity to make a life with her, he chose someone else. She ties herself in knots to try and explain the discrepancy between her thoughts and his actions. She brands her AP a coward, and says that he loves both his new wife and her. It's often the lies we tell ourselves that are the most detrimental to our health.

 

Did you not read the part in post where I called both of us broken and selfish? If not maybe you should read it again. No one is playing the victim here. I was married for the first two years of this affair. Many can say I didn't love him either because I didn't leave my husband when he asked me to. However my love without action wasn't enough for him to stick around and wait. That's my point. Words without actions are useless.

You can love two people, but you can't be with two people.

[Ronnie33]

Hi Ronnie,

 

I remember you. You can let go of the tarnished and dirty feeling. The only person judging you...is you. Believe me, I relate and I struggled with that feeling for at least 6 months after NC finally started.

 

The thing is, there are no do-overs, you can't go back and start again. You have three choices (as I saw it), (1) completely give up, lay down in a hole and die, literally or metaphorically, (2) go on and live your life but live it with the constant feeling of shame, regret and self loathing or (3) just f*cken let it all go, like a bag of rocks you've been carrying, day in and day out. Once you see these 3 choices, well (1) and (2), they kinda are nothing but a recipe for an unhappy life, only really punishing yourself and your son - no one else cares (certainly not him). You can do (3), just let it go, realize you are human, you made a mistake, move on and don't look back.

 

This is your only life. How do you want to live it? In the constant state of shame and regret or just be happy, live your life and move forward in peace?

 

And don't listen to missyme or people who say you should have left your husband or you took too long, blaming you. He was not married when you got divorced. He could have easily broken the engagement. There was nothing you could do because nine times out of ten, the man will always pick the woman who did not cheat with him. He just sees his wife or fiance as the innocent one and the other woman as the villain. It was not your fault. So don't beat yourself up. It was just not meant to be.

 

And you don't see this now, but you don't want a guy who could marry someone while in an affair and pick up immediately after the wedding. Am I being hypocritical? Sure. But you know it's a truth. If they cheat with you, they will cheat on you.

 

You were always one of my favorites here. You are non judgmental and understanding, yet you don't hold back. I relate to you a lot. I'm so proud of how far you have come.

 

I feel tarnished, but I'll never let that show to the outside world. Everyone tells me I look better then ever. I just have to keep moving forward. I really want it though, this time I really, really do.

[BTDT2012]

You were always one of my favorites here. You are non judgmental and understanding, yet you don't hold back. I relate to you a lot. I'm so proud of how far you have come.

 

I feel tarnished, but I'll never let that show to the outside world. Everyone tells me I look better then ever. I just have to keep moving forward. I really want it though, this time I really, really do.

 

Don't look at yourself as tarnished. I do believe that it is possible to love more than one person. I don't believe you can be committed to more than one person. I feel pity for your ex AP's wife.

[jenkins95]

I've been on here for years now, I come back often and lurk but don't say much.

Recently I have seen a lot of new names of people in the beginning stages of an affair, or struggling with NC and the questions of why, and was it real, and all the other obsessive thoughts that go along with it. So I wanted to come in and try to help because I know how awful those times are.

 

My affair was 4 years long, yes four years, almost five. I shake my head when I right that. These thing suck away time like some kind of parallel vortex.

 

We started as coworkers, I was married he was newly single after a very bad break up. My marriage was a mess and he was a mess from his break up of 5 years. Anyway, we became close friends who leaned on eagchother for support. Just like most stories on here, we started having an emotional affair, and then after almost a year it turned physical. Did we mean for it to happen?? Not one bit, but once it started it took on a life of its own. During that time he started dating someone. I was too scared to leave my marriage, my son was young. He continued to date this woman but we went further down the rabbit hole of the affair. We were so addicted to eachother, it really is like a drug.

 

Fast forward 4 years and I am now divorced and he is married to that woman. That's right, I left my husband, became single, while he was engaged to her and he stayed with her. Did he stop the affair? No. Why? Because he loved two women and was a selfish asshat. Two days after his wedding he broke the NC I initiated and told me he missed me so much. I went back, why? Because being without him hurt more. Or so I told myself.

 

So where are we now? Well I've been divorced for over a year. I don't regret it. My husband and I's marriage was a mess before the affair. My husband neverfound out abotbthe affair. We get along for my son and there is no reason for him to know. Do I hate that I cheated on him? Absolutely. I used to hold myself to this high moral code of standard. Now I feel tarnished and dirty. I will

never be the same woman. These things change you.

 

Did I love my AP? 100%. Do I think he loved me? Yes, I really do. Does it change anything? Not one bit. We will never be together. Staying in touch only prolongs the pain and reinforces the feelings of hurt and sadness that you will never have more. So why do we do it? Because NC hurts so bad, the missing, obsessing, longing. It gets so painful that we go back because something is better then nothing. But it's not. As the years go by it just get worse until you literally don't know who the hell you are anymore. Like a drug addict, so reliant on that next hit to get you by. Then the second you sober up you go back again, becaus the withdrawal sucks. I have gone NC more times then I can count but one of us always breaks it. Not because we are soulmates or star crossed lovers, but because we are two, selfish, broken people who have a bond based out of lies and deception for eachother.

 

I am single now, raising my son and I date. I have a lot of male followers. There's one in particular I like a lot. We were good friends for along time. The thing is that I'm so jaded now. I look at everything different and believe no one is really faithful.

 

I haven't spoken to my AP in a few weeks. I told him I wanted to date someone else and I can't have him there in the background. I miss him everyday, 4 years is along time. You know what's worse though? Regret. I already regret the past four years I lost in a pointless relationship. I don't want to regret another four.

 

Remember, Love is just a word if there are no actions behind it.

 

Sometimes to rebuild, we have to tear it all down, first.

 

Let it burn, dont put the fire out, let it go out on its own.

 

Wow Ronnie, that's powerful stuff. So beautifully and emotionally written.

 

I just read the first post on the train on my daily commute and wound up in floods of tears. The dear old lady sitting next to me offered me a handkerchief, some mints and some comforting words and put a smile on my face! How sweet, it kind of made my day!

 

I too had an intense A and relate to a lot of what you wrote. I want to send you a really big (((Jenks hug))) because I know that you have been to hell and back and will be recovering for a long time - I still am over two years after the end of my A. These things shake you to your very foundations.

 

Affairs are rarely as black and white as the first replier suggests (with the CAPS). Every affair is unique, although we often see similar patterns as an affair progresses. In my case, as in yours, the APs were not serial cheaters, just lost souls who felt a connection, developed feelings and made decisions that would later hurt them and others - very much indeed. Very often, the feelings developed in affairs are very genuine both ways, but that doesn't mean that they are not selfish or that the relationship is viable in the long term, due to the complexity and the sheer number of factors involved. Genuine feelings or not, most affairs end - with a lot of pain.

 

Thank you so much for sharing this with us Ronnie. I'm now going to catch up with the rest of the thread...and your previous threads.

 

Please keep on posting x

[jenkins95]

Hi Ronnie,

 

I remember you. You can let go of the tarnished and dirty feeling. The only person judging you...is you. Believe me, I relate and I struggled with that feeling for at least 6 months after NC finally started.

 

The thing is, there are no do-overs, you can't go back and start again. You have three choices (as I saw it), (1) completely give up, lay down in a hole and die, literally or metaphorically, (2) go on and live your life but live it with the constant feeling of shame, regret and self loathing or (3) just f*cken let it all go, like a bag of rocks you've been carrying, day in and day out. Once you see these 3 choices, well (1) and (2), they kinda are nothing but a recipe for an unhappy life, only really punishing yourself and your son - no one else cares (certainly not him). You can do (3), just let it go, realize you are human, you made a mistake, move on and don't look back.

 

This is your only life. How do you want to live it? In the constant state of shame and regret or just be happy, live your life and move forward in peace?

 

And don't listen to missyme or people who say you should have left your husband or you took too long, blaming you. He was not married when you got divorced. He could have easily broken the engagement. There was nothing you could do because nine times out of ten, the man will always pick the woman who did not cheat with him. He just sees his wife or fiance as the innocent one and the other woman as the villain. It was not your fault. So don't beat yourself up. It was just not meant to be.

 

And you don't see this now, but you don't want a guy who could marry someone while in an affair and pick up immediately after the wedding. Am I being hypocritical? Sure. But you know it's a truth. If they cheat with you, they will cheat on you.

 

I love it when MidnightBlue makes an appearance on a thread - kind of adds immediate kudos to any thread IMO. And the bold bit above.....

 

100% right!

 

We all struggle with this post A though - any of us with a conscience or any kind of moral compass. Yes we f'ed up, got hurt, possibly hurt others and we punish ourselves through constant mental torture - a bag of rocks is a good analogy. Letting go of that bag of rocks is tough - a certain degree of self-flagellation can almost be comforting in a perverse way. My bag of rocks is still there, but I kind of feel it's hanging by a thread now...and already feels considerably lighter. I think I am letting it go, one rock at a time!

 

Hope you can too Ronnie. You are one of the good guys...it's so obvious from the way you write.

[Poppy47]

My bag of rocks is considerably lighter.

 

In my opinion, you will drop a few pebbles here and there for quite a while. I don't think you can drop it all in one go.

 

My life is changing and xMM is no longer so much in my thoughts. It has become apparent to me that I could never have been comfortable with him in my real life .

Things are changing for me at the end of this year with retirement and a new home..... I am moving on. It has taken a long time but it's happening.

 

Go with Happiness,

 

Poppy.

[Ronnie33]

Wow Ronnie, that's powerful stuff. So beautifully and emotionally written.

 

I just read the first post on the train on my daily commute and wound up in floods of tears. The dear old lady sitting next to me offered me a handkerchief, some mints and some comforting words and put a smile on my face! How sweet, it kind of made my day!

 

I too had an intense A and relate to a lot of what you wrote. I want to send you a really big (((Jenks hug))) because I know that you have been to hell and back and will be recovering for a long time - I still am over two years after the end of my A. These things shake you to your very foundations.

 

Affairs are rarely as black and white as the first replier suggests (with the CAPS). Every affair is unique, although we often see similar patterns as an affair progresses. In my case, as in yours, the APs were not serial cheaters, just lost souls who felt a connection, developed feelings and made decisions that would later hurt them and others - very much indeed. Very often, the feelings developed in affairs are very genuine both ways, but that doesn't mean that they are not selfish or that the relationship is viable in the long term, due to the complexity and the sheer number of factors involved. Genuine feelings or not, most affairs end - with a lot of pain.

 

Thank you so much for sharing this with us Ronnie. I'm now going to catch up with the rest of the thread...and your previous threads.

 

Please keep on posting x

 

Thank You Jenkins, I really enjoy your posts. Your remorse in your posts comes through, and is very real.

[Ronnie33]

My bag of rocks is considerably lighter.

 

In my opinion, you will drop a few pebbles here and there for quite a while. I don't think you can drop it all in one go.

 

My life is changing and xMM is no longer so much in my thoughts. It has become apparent to me that I could never have been comfortable with him in my real life .

Things are changing for me at the end of this year with retirement and a new home..... I am moving on. It has taken a long time but it's happening.

 

Go with Happiness,

 

Poppy.

 

Poppy,

 

I am so happy for you and how far you have come. I hope to one day be where you are.

[darkbloom]

I love this thread.

 

 

I told MM not to contact me anymore because it hurt too much. I don't reach out to him but he still reaches out to me. And I answer every time because it's something.I want it to mean more than it does. But we are sad and selfish and in love with the idea of who we could have been together. We don't exist in the real world because our whole existence is based on who we are in secret.

[Poppy47]

I love this thread.

 

 

I told MM not to contact me anymore because it hurt too much. I don't reach out to him but he still reaches out to me. And I answer every time because it's something.I want it to mean more than it does. But we are sad and selfish and in love with the idea of who we could have been together. We don't exist in the real world because our whole existence is based on who we are in secret.

 

Yes....that's the thing. You are still in love with an idea.

 

I have been able to see xMM realistically.

 

He is retired now and lives in a seniors community with his wife. He does seniors tours and bus trips . He has moved into a different life style.

This is not a criticism in any way. It is where he is on his life journey.

 

It has become clear to me now that he never shared my tastes or interests and would not have fitted into my family or circle of friends.

 

It took almost ten years and a lot of emotionally draining times and many wonderful times with him to realise all this.

 

Poppy.

[jenkins95]

My bag of rocks is considerably lighter.

 

In my opinion, you will drop a few pebbles here and there for quite a while. I don't think you can drop it all in one go.

 

My life is changing and xMM is no longer so much in my thoughts. It has become apparent to me that I could never have been comfortable with him in my real life .

Things are changing for me at the end of this year with retirement and a new home..... I am moving on. It has taken a long time but it's happening.

 

Go with Happiness,

 

Poppy.

 

Good for you Poppy - this is wonderful to read! Seems like we've both shed several pebbles from our sack of rocks since we last exchanged posts! I'm so pleased for you Poppy.

[Ronnie33]

I love this thread.

 

 

I told MM not to contact me anymore because it hurt too much. I don't reach out to him but he still reaches out to me. And I answer every time because it's something.I want it to mean more than it does. But we are sad and selfish and in love with the idea of who we could have been together. We don't exist in the real world because our whole existence is based on who we are in secret.

 

This is what kept me in it for years. In love with the "what could have been"

Then i woke up one day and it's 4 years and I thought "how the hell did I get here" Now I think of the "what could have been"

as "never going to happen"

Edited November 9, 2017 by Ronnie33