Husband left again for ow, filed for divorce again

[The0neyoul0ved]

So, I’m new to this forum, I’m here because my marriage has fallen apart. Yet again and I need some sort of way t reach out.

 

So, I’ll try to not drag the back story on to long. My husband and I met when we were 20, and fell hard for each other. Neither were in active relationships, and we both clicked and felt it was a match right away, after a year of dating, we moved in together, in June of 2010. In February 2011 he proposed, April, we bought a house and moved in together. He was working in a great job in his field he got right out of college, I was in school for graphic design and working almost full time, we were planning our wedding and life was great.

 

We got married in June of 2012 and fell into a happy routine but still had lots of fun. We are both into cars. Living near Detroit it’s a given. So a lot of our time was spent at meets, races and working on his car. It wS pretty blissful. I got a really good full time job at a dealership, making good money, in June 2013. Between the stress of the job, and my hours and commute. My work life balance was pretty terrible. And my husband suffered the brunt of it. I took it for granted and thought he understood but the resentment was building then.

 

In September of 2014 I started a new dealership job close to home and I thought that was helping, then I got sick with staph in my face, and pregnant shortly after because I was on antibiotics and didn’t think to use back birth control. We didn’t find out until I was 14 weeks pregnant. So we had no time to prepare or absorb it. Before we knew it we were parents and I had post partum depression. So my husband again suffered.

 

He never acted like it. He was supportive and loving and helpful. We still went out. Had weekends alone. We’re very intimate. I didn’t work because we decided it was best for me to be a stay at home Mom at least for a couple years.

 

Then in October of last year I was at the zoo and he changed his tone while texting and told me he needed a break. He packed a bag and went to stay with a friend. In late November he came home, he was good again. The break seemed to help, he even stated he felt closer to me because I stood by him and because we made it through.

 

In late April I felt him withdrawing and I got suspicious, I went through his laptop and there it was. He was cheating, with the one girl I asked him not to. A long time mutual friend who always had an inappropriate eye for him.

 

I confronted him. He begged and pleaded and promised. Wrote me loving notes. Etc. then a few weeks later I found it again on his phone. This time they were mocking me. I found out he was sneaking out of his second job, a business we started together, to go to her house. Even choosing to go there instead of seeing his daughter. I confronted him. He was remorseful cried and held me all night. But then filed for divorce and left again a week later. I found out he was with her. And was with her the first time. This time he took his race car and all of his belongings.

 

We went back and forth. Just a few days after leaving he stated he regretted it. That he loved and missed me. That he wanted us and a new life and didn’t know how to get away from the mess he was in. He didn’t want a divorce. He came home a few weeks later. We dismissed the divorce and life was good. We went on our year my big race trip and he professed his love. I was is forever and he was mine forever. He wanted to renew our vows. A week later. He was gone and refiled for divorce.

 

This was on August 25. He was intimate with me over both prior separations. And started again almost immediately this time. A few weeks ago I put my foot down and that’s when the divorce took off. He never served me I had to file a counter suit.

 

I do not want a divorce and I’m so confused. He now says he doesn’t love me and hasn’t for a long time. That he never wNted to save us. And never wanted to come home. From all of my reading it seems he’s in full blown limerence. And he’s at the point he’s rewriting the past to justify his actions and hide his feelings.

I know I’m stupid for loving him. I’m just wondering if anyone’s been through this personally or from my point of view. And what happened

Edited November 10, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
paragraphs ~T

[stillafool]

You should let him end it. You can't have him see/sawing back and forth in your life. I imagine he wanted to stay married for his child's sake. Believe him when he tells you these things even though it hurts. You have to let him go to his OW.

[The0neyoul0ved]

You should let him end it. You can't have him see/sawing back and forth in your life. I imagine he wanted to stay married for his child's sake. Believe him when he tells you these things even though it hurts. You have to let him go to his OW.

 

He’s gone. He’s been livin with her for two months. It was more then her. He’s even told his best friend and Mom he was so happy to have ended things with the other woman before. And how happy he was I had given him another chance and how much he loves me. No one believes him. The problem is he’s pushed everyone away now with his actions. Including his best friend and Mom.

[harrybrown]

Sorry for your pain and his cheating.

 

You need to get an attorney to help with the D, or did you write the response yourself?

 

He needs to be responsible for his and your child.

 

He needs to grow up.

 

But you will be better to have him mostly out of your life.

 

Keep any contact about your child. You deserve better and he lost out on the best things in his life.

 

Read about the 180. it is to help you. He may realize what he lost someday, but it will be too late.

 

Stop all contact with him, except for what your child needs.

 

You will find better.

 

hope you find some healing. Do something that helps you.

 

Do you have family close by that can help you?

[wmacbride]

As i was reading your post, I was sure I'd come across a piece where he tried the old line of " I love you but I am not in love with you".

 

The way he said that he "needed space" sounds very much like cheaterspeak for " I am cheating, and I don't want to feel guilty or be caught". It gives him a chnace to try out his new relationship while still keeping you on the back burner in case it doesn't work out.

 

You also mention that you had read conversations between the two of them where they make fun of you? That, right there, shows that they are both heels who deserve each other. I don't care whether he still loves you or not. You were his wife and you are the mother of his child. For no other reason than that, you deserve to be treated with respect by him.

 

I know it's probably really painful and confusing, but I would walk away from him. He's like a drowning man, and will pull down right along with him if you stay. Let the two sneaks stay with each other...they deserve it. If they want to be together, so be it. Let them spend the rest of their lives together, always wondering who will cheat first, as I highly doubt they will ever have even a modicum of trust for one another.

 

Go on and live you life. Make it wonderful, but be warned. When he sees that you are moving on, he may well become jealous, because you will be living the life he wishes he could have. You'll be happy doing new things and going exciting places, and maybe even in time, meeting a new man. That's when he may well start sniffing around again. He'll see you out and enjoying life while he's stuck at home with a nagging partner who,because she can't trust him, will likley keep him on a very short leash.

 

Don't let him in, because as it stands right now, he wouldn't be returning out of love, and may well cheat again.

[The0neyoul0ved]

As i was reading your post, I was sure I'd come across a piece where he tried the old line of " I love you but I am not in love with you".

 

The way he said that he "needed space" sounds very much like cheaterspeak for " I am cheating, and I don't want to feel guilty or be caught". It gives him a chnace to try out his new relationship while still keeping you on the back burner in case it doesn't work out.

 

You also mention that you had read conversations between the two of them where they make fun of you? That, right there, shows that they are both heels who deserve each other. I don't care whether he still loves you or not. You were his wife and you are the mother of his child. For no other reason than that, you deserve to be treated with respect by him.

 

I know it's probably really painful and confusing, but I would walk away from him. He's like a drowning man, and will pull down right along with him if you stay. Let the two sneaks stay with each other...they deserve it. If they want to be together, so be it. Let them spend the rest of their lives together, always wondering who will cheat first, as I highly doubt they will ever have even a modicum of trust for one another.

 

Go on and live you life. Make it wonderful, but be warned. When he sees that you are moving on, he may well become jealous, because you will be living the life he wishes he could have. You'll be happy doing new things and going exciting places, and maybe even in time, meeting a new man. That's when he may well start sniffing around again. He'll see you out and enjoying life while he's stuck at home with a nagging partner who,because she can't trust him, will likley keep him on a very short leash.

 

Don't let him in, because as it stands right now, he wouldn't be returning out of love, and may well cheat again.

Thank you. He did the I love you but I’m not in love anymore. He’s very messed up. And it’s harder because no one believes his crap right now. She’s already got him on a tight leash. He hasn’t seen or talked to his best friend, who I work with, in weeks. And doesn’t really talk to his mother either, and he’s a huge mommas boy, only child, and she’s totally against this.

[The0neyoul0ved]

He's been gone a long time.

 

He's a big time liar.

 

He's a big time cheater.

 

 

Why would you want that? Why aren't you taking proactive steps to make sure it's ended for good?

 

That way you can build a new life moving forward -knowing you've eliminated the negative influence from your daily life.

 

Because he’s my husband and my family and I believe he’s not in the right state of mind and hasn’t been through this. 1/4 life crisis, mental break. Whatever. He’s not him.

I love him deeply. The kind of love books were written about, and I believe in the sanctity of marriage.

[The0neyoul0ved]

I can understand that... I really can. Believe me, I was married for 23 years and my exH did the same thing. I forgave him the first time - and we had another bliss filled 10 years. Then he decided he would cheat again knowing if he did it would end our M. The men they become while in an affair isn't the same man we knew all along. You don't know the real him anymore.

 

Consequences help. He needs consequences - like filing for D so he wakes up! Make him scared! You. Wed to not be so reliable, dependable and stable for him.

 

Be those things for yourself but not for him.

 

 

I’ve tried consequences. I filed the counter suit because he wasn’t serving me. But was still coming back with his I love you and miss you. And I don’t know what I’m doing. I tried pulling sex away. And it’s all completely backfired. He’s happily going along with the divorce. He’s happy with our temporary custody agreement. His only complaint is that myself and the courts won’t allow him to act out his parenting time at the gfs house or around her. So I guess the only hope I have now is that it wears on them and causes the cracks to show.

Nothing he says and does adds up. He says he doesn’t love me and isn’t attracted to me. His looks and body language and physical responses say otherwise. Even just a few weeks ago when we were intimate last, he kisses me and it’s just instantaneous. The physical and chemical response. We’re like magnets.

So nothing matches up. It’s really hard to understand. Even his friends don’t believe his bs. I feel like the only thing that makes sense, is he so far perfectly matched up to the “standard” limerence timeline/profile.

[stillafool]

Thank you. He did the I love you but I’m not in love anymore. He’s very messed up. And it’s harder because no one believes his crap right now. She’s already got him on a tight leash. He hasn’t seen or talked to his best friend, who I work with, in weeks. And doesn’t really talk to his mother either, and he’s a huge mommas boy, only child, and she’s totally against this.

 

She doesn't have him on a leash. He probably doesn't talk to his best friend or mother because he doesn't want to hear what they have to say about his situation. He is a grown man and I doubt she is holding a gun to his head.

[somuchfortheone]

Because he’s my husband and my family and I believe he’s not in the right state of mind and hasn’t been through this. 1/4 life crisis, mental break. Whatever. He’s not him.

I love him deeply. The kind of love books were written about, and I believe in the sanctity of marriage.

 

you sound just like me and our story is very similar - feel free to read my posts and message me and we can lean on each other..

 

 

he's definitely in limerence and I hate to tell you, he may be there a while - three years isn't uncommon.

[BTDT2012]

Because he’s my husband and my family and I believe he’s not in the right state of mind and hasn’t been through this. 1/4 life crisis, mental break. Whatever. He’s not him.

I love him deeply. The kind of love books were written about, and I believe in the sanctity of marriage.

I’ve tried consequences. I filed the counter suit because he wasn’t serving me. But was still coming back with his I love you and miss you. And I don’t know what I’m doing. I tried pulling sex away. And it’s all completely backfired. He’s happily going along with the divorce. He’s happy with our temporary custody agreement. His only complaint is that myself and the courts won’t allow him to act out his parenting time at the gfs house or around her. So I guess the only hope I have now is that it wears on them and causes the cracks to show.

Nothing he says and does adds up. He says he doesn’t love me and isn’t attracted to me. His looks and body language and physical responses say otherwise. Even just a few weeks ago when we were intimate last, he kisses me and it’s just instantaneous. The physical and chemical response. We’re like magnets.

So nothing matches up. It’s really hard to understand. Even his friends don’t believe his bs. I feel like the only thing that makes sense, is he so far perfectly matched up to the “standard” limerence timeline/profile.

 

Love yourself deeply. Don't enable him. Don't have any personal conversations with him. Live your best life. It doesn't matter whether or not its limerance. The only person that you can control is you. Don't sit around waiting for him to pull his head out of his a$$.

[BluesPower]

you sound just like me and our story is very similar - feel free to read my posts and message me and we can lean on each other...

 

he's definitely in limerence and I hate to tell you, he may be there a while - three years isn't uncommon.

 

But the point is that...for both OP and SMFTO, neither of you should put up with this in any way.

 

Sometimes you want to think that by being there and not filing or following through with the divorce that you are allowing him a way to come back.

 

But as hard as it is, you have to realize that they are gone and you cannot wait around forever for them to come to their senses.

 

By allowing yourself to be a plan B, then you look weak or weaker in their eyes. Force the decision, and understand that at this point, it will probably be to leave.

[alsudduth]

Is it possible he's using drugs of some sort? I ask because your story just sound so similar to a cousin of mine who was in the throes of an addiction and followed the drugs, no matter who he hurt. He professed "soul mate" to love three women within a couple months because they were where he could get drugs.... Just something to think about.

[grassisorisntgreener]

Stop being Plan B. Today.

 

You are too good to be going around picking up his breadcrumbs when you deserve the bakery.

[elaine567]

There seems to be a trend for BSs to assume that "limerence" is the reason that their man has strayed and that the affair is somewhat temporary and that it is all due to foolishness and normal service will be resumed shortly.

 

I think that some affairs are like this, the man wants some "extra" sex or some excitement, wants to recreate his youth, or wishes to repeat the nostalgic feeling of being "in love".

 

BUT he doesn't usually leave, when the chips are down he scuttles back to his marriage having learned his lesson as to where his bread is best buttered, or he figures out a sneakier, cleverer way to have both the wife and the OW, and both the marriage and the affair continues.

 

I think here he is on the way out, I guess he was vacillating as he missed his child and he was never going to say no to the sex on a plate, you fitted into the OW slot rather well, but as for love I do not think you are in with a chance.

You are at best plan B.

Divorce seems to be the option of choice for him.

Sorry.

 

He is young, 28, and has spent almost all of his adult life with you, he probably feels he needs to spread his wings and fly.

[The0neyoul0ved]

Is it possible he's using drugs of some sort? I ask because your story just sound so similar to a cousin of mine who was in the throes of an addiction and followed the drugs, no matter who he hurt. He professed "soul mate" to love three women within a couple months because they were where he could get drugs.... Just something to think about.

 

He takes Xanax. Not prescribed either.

[Muffet]

I'm so sorry for the hurt you're experiencing through all this. My daughter just went through something similar. All along she suspected there was another woman, he kept denying it, but now three months after the divorce was finalized, she finds out he's with the woman my daughter was suspicious of. It stinks.

 

I'm glad to hear you say you believe in the sanctity of marriage. So do I, and so does my daughter. She did everything she could to save her marriage, but he filed for the divorce and there was nothing she could do to stop it. But she's living guilt free for having done everything she could, and now that he's gone she's beginning to heal and see that he wasn't so great after all. But that's the thing. None of us are. We all have flaws, and when two people take their marriage vows seriously and feel accountable to God, they seek professional and spiritual guidance and work it out together. Both parties have to want to, of course, and I'm sorry that your DH seems to have cut the ties emotionally, spiritually, and every other way. Did the two of you ever try counseling together? Or perhaps him by himself. He does sound very confused.

 

Saying a prayer for your healing and finding strength and peace from the Lord. I've seen Romans 8:28 be proven true time and time again. I believe it will for you, too!

[aliveagain]

He has a girlfriend, fire him as your husband. Make the affair a bad place to be, you own half of everything you have together including the race car. Do not allow him back, second chances are earned, change the locks.

[alsudduth]

He takes Xanax. Not prescribed either.

 

That's what it was for my cousin too. I'd keep an eye on that. Just because it's legal doesn't mean it's good. It's a scary drug and I've seen people suffer horrible consequences from it's use.

[The0neyoul0ved]

I'm so sorry for the hurt you're experiencing through all this. My daughter just went through something similar. All along she suspected there was another woman, he kept denying it, but now three months after the divorce was finalized, she finds out he's with the woman my daughter was suspicious of. It stinks.

 

I'm glad to hear you say you believe in the sanctity of marriage. So do I, and so does my daughter. She did everything she could to save her marriage, but he filed for the divorce and there was nothing she could do to stop it. But she's living guilt free for having done everything she could, and now that he's gone she's beginning to heal and see that he wasn't so great after all. But that's the thing. None of us are. We all have flaws, and when two people take their marriage vows seriously and feel accountable to God, they seek professional and spiritual guidance and work it out together. Both parties have to want to, of course, and I'm sorry that your DH seems to have cut the ties emotionally, spiritually, and every other way. Did the two of you ever try counseling together? Or perhaps him by himself. He does sound very confused.

 

Saying a prayer for your healing and finding strength and peace from the Lord. I've seen Romans 8:28 be proven true time and time again. I believe it will for you, too!

 

Thank you. I’ve actively been seeing a counselor for 6 months. He refuses. Partially because I believe he knows we could work, with a little effort

[The0neyoul0ved]

That's what it was for my cousin too. I'd keep an eye on that. Just because it's legal doesn't mean it's good. It's a scary drug and I've seen people suffer horrible consequences from it's use.

 

Thanks that’s my fear ? he takes it not prescribed, he has undiagnosed depression and I fear the long life of xanax just adds to his depression.

[Mr Blunt]

You can only save your self and your self-respect at this time. You have allowed him to use you like a door mat so it is time for you to save yourself…You have to realize that you cannot allow him to ruin your life and to accept that your hope for him at this time is a HUGE false hope.

 

You are probably so devastated emotionally that you are making excuses for him and compromising BIG TIME…Face reality and focus ONLY on you and your child or you will become a permanent door mat. Millions of women have overcome this crises and so can you!

[imsosad]

I'm sure this is a terrible time for you.

When I read through your post, I felt like he was doing all the deciding and you were just tgere, taking it.

It is not all up to him.

You seem way too focused on him, rather than on yourself. You make an awful lot ofcexcuses for him-you were working long hours, poor him. You were struggling with post natal depression, poor him. Limerance. Xanax. Everything and anything to let him off.

Also, don't waste your time blaming his girlfriend. It is him who broke his vows to you and this leash she has him on? It's not real. I doubt she has him chained to a wall in the basement.

I am not trying to put you down. I really do feel your pain. I think you are having trouble keeping up with events and accepting reality and you are trying to rewrite everything that's happened in a way that will make it possible for you to go back to the way things were.

I mean, he cheated, left you, filed for divorce and tgen came back and things were good?

That sounds very strange to me. You are either in denial or scared of having things out with him. This is not something to just gloss over and pretend never happened.

I know you're young. You havea child. You thought you knew your life plan, even if things were sped up by a surprise pregnancy. I know how shocking this can be.

I think you need to regain your control, take charge of your life and get stronger. Right now, you are just enabling him to do whatever he feels like.

[l8estnews]

Putting all your love to him without leaving some for yourself will have an effect just like this. Usually, men/women who love like this have self-esteem issues. I am sorry for you, OP. I do feel your pain. The feeling of being abandoned, replaced, discarded for another, let alone that horrible feeling when someone you knew is after what you have succeeded, ugh I hate that feeling so much!!

 

But you always run away from all of these. You have an option to do so:

 

1.) Minimize contact with this guy (only about your daughter, financial or better yet, about finalizing your divorce)

2.) Cut him out on ALL social media. Just keep 1 communication channel which doesn't have the capability for you to see pictures or anything recent about him (Line, Viber, WhatsApp)

3.) Mention to your friends to never ask or give you update about him. If they keep doing so after you specifically told them not to, block them as well. You don't need those kinds of negativity to your life.

4.) If you have the means, change house. If not, change room and re-decorate your home completely to signify your new life.

5.) Make new circles of friends, and find an activity that you'll like. For me, what worked are activities that will boost my confidence again like hitting the gym, doing yoga classes or anything that will make you feel pretty

 

You will ALWAYS think about him, everyday, for like a year or so. You will miss him, daydream about him, especially at night when you're alone. This is normal. But it will pass.

 

Good luck! There's a bright future ahead of you. Believe.

[Cilantro]

No offense but why keep trying to get him, esp if he cheated, and even moreso esp if he doesn't want you? Whyyyy??? The cheating alone would be enough to tip me over the deep end. I would probably go ballistic, revenge cheat, then dump his ass. Why wait around long enough for him to dump you for HER? Or if he surprised you out of the blue with a "I'm cheating and now I'm leaving you for this girl, surprise"--then I understand you wouldn't have time to react or take the upper hand, but why even entertain the thought of taking him back? Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me.

 

Another thing: Have you been loyal to him this whole time, or were you out cheating and/or dating other people during the separation too? Curious. Because something tells me you were good to him this whole time when he wasn't any of those things to you. Never a good situation.