In dire need of advice and direction

[cabbageman]

Hey everybody,

 

I am struggling with something here and need some advice.

 

Two years ago I met a woman and we fell in love. After a year or so of dating she told me she was pregnant, so she moved in and soon after gave birth to a wonderful baby girl. No regrets there! I love my baby girl.

 

During the late stages of pregnancy her younger brother died of a heart complication...and then a few months after that her mother died during a hernia operation. So the first few months after birth were extremely difficult. She became depressed from the deaths in her family and then postpartum kicked in and made it much worse. I am extremely grateful and fortunate that I was able to take paternity leave to take care of her and the child. Things seemed to get better.

 

Now as of last Monday I am back at work, but a few weeks ago something terrible happened. She got drunk (again) and this time threatened to kill herself and almost succeeded. I was with the baby and she came at me with a knife...she didn't see I had the baby... and she really scared me this time, it was way too close for comfort... I had to run upstairs and call the police. They came, took her away for a psych evaluation, and thank god they showed up so soon. I talked to my family and I know I did the right thing. Since she has been in therapy three times a week, I know it's not easy for her but she's working on it, slowly getting better.

 

I have been very patient but since her depression she has been nothing but nasty to me, I've only done my best to help. Because of her frequent and violent abuse (yes she has verbally and physically abused me several times and I am not a fan of her alcoholism either) I have fallen out of love with her. She gets upset at me over this saying things like why won't you love me... but there is not much I can do to change how I feel, I know I deserve way better and I really don't want to live the rest of my life with her either. I am just not interested. I refuse to stay in the relatonship just because of the kid, I already yearning to meet others and have some more alone time.

 

I have no problem paying child support. The issue is that she is living with me. She doesn't want to move out yet she complains about the relationship on top of me having to deal with her depression. I am a very caring and compassionate person but even I have limits.

 

So it looks like she is going to have to move out, but I am scared that she'll have another psychotic episode and this time something will happen to her or the kid. I know great grandma can and loves to watch the child, but she is very old. I can afford child support, but I can't afford to support my ex. We both know she's going to have to find a job and move out, but is doing nothing to work towards that because she refuses to have someone else babysit. I don't know what to do. It is a very difficult situation. Please know I am not abandoning her in any way, I am simply tired of being abused and I know for a fact raising a kid in a violent environment is bad for the kid.

 

Any advice? Please and thanks.

[d0nnivain]

You are not abandoning her. You are protecting your child. She came at you with a knife. Game over.

 

Get an order of protection. The law will force her to move out. Seek sole custody but since you are in a generous mood, arrange for supervised visitation. While she's dealing with her demons she may need some motivation. The ability to spend time with her child may provide that but that baby has to be safe.

[amaysngrace]

She should not have custody of your baby. There should be no way that a judge would grant her that with the documented abuse you've recently endured.

 

She's not well and, while it's unfortunate, your child should not have to be subjected to her abuse any more than you deserve to be.

[MidlifeMama]

I agree, get a court order of protection. That's how I had to leave my abusive ex and protect our son.

 

She needs much more help than you can offer. Yes, she is going to therapy, that's what she needs to do, but it doesn't seem much else has changed.

 

You find childcare that is appropriate and move out if she will not.

 

You can not reason with an unreasonable person. Yes, something bad may happen to her, but that is nothing you can control. Something you can control is to protect yourself and your child.

 

Get the courts involved immediately and get a restraining order and custody. Allow room for supervised visitation based on what she's willing to do to get better.

 

I'm sorry she has had such loss, but you will not be able to fix this!

 

You have a right to want to live in a safe and loving way.

 

Best of luck!

[chaoticjoy3]

I am so sorry you have gone through this, it sounds like it has been a very emotional road for you. You are doing what you need to do to protect you and your child. I hope that they therapy she is going through will help her, it must be difficult to watch her life fall apart like this, but at this point you need to make sure that everything you do is for the safety of you and your child. Just curious, this must be very emotionally taxing on you, have you thought about counseling? Maybe someone who is non biased could help you through this. I am praying for you, hopefully you can find some peace. Oh! And by the way, you are doing an outstanding job as a parent, there are so many who would just throw their hands up and walk away, your child will treasure you forever.

[preraph]

Well, first she MUST go to a psychiatrist and be treated for what very well may be severe postpartum depression and combined with something else possibly. But first she needs treatment.

 

Second, until she gets improved through going to therapy and taking meds, you need to get that child out of her care and move out with the child at least temporarily. You need to speak to the court. Call either a family lawyer or if no money, a court clerk and ask how to see a family judge for guidance. Good luck. Do NOT leave the child with her.

[cabbageman]

I'm having a really hard time with my sadly soon to be ex-partner.

 

I've done my best to be understanding and compassionate but my patience is wearing thin. In a nutshell here is our struggle:

 

-Her brother and mom passed away roughly the same time and toppled with postpartum this put her into a state of severe depression. I even had to call the cops one night because she was drunk and had a knife at her throat. Scared the poop out of everybody. She's finally getting professional help x3 a week now, but jesus christ you have no idea how much emotional trauma I've had to put up with. She's mentally ill. She is damn lucky we have a nice house in a safe location and I was able to get fully paid Pat leave for 9 months to take care of her and the kid. Yeah.

 

-She had a terrible, terrible childhood, filled with abuse and neglect. I did not. So every time that she thinks I am neglecting the kid (like putting the kid in the crib so I can do a household chore) she throws an emotional tantrum, she freaks out. Basically this translates to me coming home from work, and NOTHING IS DONE, the house is a complete mess. And she wonders why I am upset. She is unable to leave put the kid in the crib because baby wants to crawl and will start crying otherwise. She can't handle the crying and I am the evil guy because it does not phase me at all. So not only do I defend myself against ridiculous accusations that all have root in HER fear-based projections AND put up with her emotional garbage, I pay ALL the bills, support her spoiled organic grocery bill demands AND I have to do all the cleaning, cooking and laundry. I'm totally jealous of my friends partners. To top it off she yells in front of the kid all the time and the kid is, I think, poorly sleep trained. Goddamn lucky our baby is such a deep and flexible sleeper. Goddamn lucky she is full of light and happiness, I love her very much and have done my best to keep the vibes positive at home, but sometimes momma bear is just downright draining.

 

-She gets upset that I make time for myself (my hobbies, my music, my career and my friends) and states that she doesn't have that opportunity, that I rob her of her time, but it is her who refuses to get a babysitter. It is her who is unable to put the kid down to do something else. I still spend lots of time with the baby and we have a strong healthy bond for sure. When I come home I tell her to do what she wants and that she can count on me, but the baby isn't always used to me and sometimes will cry a bit when momma leaves...and then momma doesn't let me take charge and ends up not spending anytime on herself, which she needs to do.

 

-I made 1 mistake of not watching the kid and she almost choked on a vitamin pill. I apologized and said it won't happen again but she wasn't taught forgiveness, she just can't let it go. She even threatened to call the cops over this simple mistake, she is a drama queen.

 

-All of the above have left me feeling completely unappreciated. I certainly do not love her anymore. I would feel 0% guilt if I cheated, she treats me like complete garbage but I am doing my best to keep the moral high ground. She'll get upset that I don't want to spend time her, but why would I? I have an excellent day with so many people and then come home to such a miserable person.

 

-She just does not understand nor respect my introvert nature. I explained to her that I am the type of person who NEEDS more ME then WE time, and I grant her so much freedom to go out and date and meet new people, yet she foolishly clings onto this hope that I might change. I tried in the past of having weekly date nights with her, but she gets too drunk, spends way too much money (my money), and I can't have a simple conversion with her because she is such a serious person and I am laid back and analytical. I don't enjoy time with her at all anymore, it was never like this prior to pregnancy, it just changed everything so much. Please do not think I am abandoning her, I am just tired of being drained.

 

I'm not sure how much longer I can do this. Please help. I might have to sell my house, get full custody of the child and put the baby in a daycare. Seems like the only way out.

 

Thanks for reading.

[BarbedFenceRider]

-All of the above have left me feeling completely unappreciated. I certainly do not love her anymore. I would feel 0% guilt if I cheated, she treats me like complete garbage but I am doing my best to keep the moral high ground. She'll get upset that I don't want to spend time her, but why would I? I have an excellent day with so many people and then come home to such a miserable person.

 

 

 

Get. Out. Now.

 

She needs help you can't give her and your baby is counting on you on being a father. Not a fixer.

I'm sorry you have to go through this, but others here will tell you there IS light at the end of the tunnel.

[d0nnivain]

If you want out, get out BUT you said she started therapy 3 weeks ago. The deaths of her family members were surely a devastating experience that is probably making her reassess her childhood. Perhaps there is way through MC combined with her new IC that can help you get through this together.

[GorillaTheater]

I can't improve on the advice you received in your first thread. The bottom line is lawyer up.

 

 

Oh, there is one thing that I'm not sure was mentioned: get a VAR (voice-activated recorder) and have it on you whenever you're around her. You need to protect yourself from false accusations, including those concerning domestic violence, because this sounds like a ready-made case for that sort of thing. Most states are one-party consent, meaning essentially that you can record her without her knowledge as long as she's talking to you. A few states are two-party consent, but if I had to choose between a possible charge for an illegal recording and domestic violence, I know which one I'd pick.

 

 

Protect yourself and your kid.

[d0nnivain]

This is similar to a post of yours from the other day: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/639021-stuck-abusive-partner#post7443442

 

 

Those facts were more dramatic. The facts paint a more sympathetic picture of her.

 

 

However, if the child is in danger you may need to get a restraining order

[cabbageman]

I don't think the child is in danger per say, but being around us fighting all the time surely is not good for her either. I'm tired of coming home to such a negative person, she is nasty. She's totally killing my creative juice. I've even had two roommates leave because they could not handle her negativity. Sometimes she will argue for hours over spilled milk and I'm tired of having my time wasted.

 

And it's more then that. She's hardly an adult. Her deadbeat father came back into her life years later, and every now and then sends her money. She has 0 saved. 0 pension. I really don't know how she will manage without me. And my family is upset for even having the thought of leaving her. But here's the newsfash. Early in the babys life she refused to give formula. For literally 4 months straight she was starving our child because her milk-flow wasn't there, but "it's better then formula". Finally her doctor told her that if she doesn't switch to formula the kid is going to die. Yeah. Thank freaking god for that doctor because she just wouldn't listen to me and it was so obvious. It's kind of the same thing in a way, except in this sense she is killing herself.

 

Honestly this is not something I wanted, this was an accidental pregnancy no matter how much she denies it. I tried and tried to have a reasonable conversation regarding abortion and she flipped, and now I am expected to suffer? No way. I love my kid, but sorry I'm not fighting for custody. She can have her and I am happy to send support. That's how nasty she is, I would simply rather not have her in my life at all and that makes me extremely sad because every child needs a father, and I really love my baby.

 

She doesn't want to get a sitter and I don't believe my life should suffer because of her choice. There are many wonderful sitters!!

[cabbageman]

This is similar to a post of yours from the other day: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/639021-stuck-abusive-partner#post7443442

 

 

Those facts were more dramatic. The facts paint a more sympathetic picture of her.

 

 

However, if the child is in danger you may need to get a restraining order

 

True but it's hard to be sympathetic when you are constantly insulted and attacked. She is both verbally and physically abusif.

[GorillaTheater]

Honestly this is not something I wanted, this was an accidental pregnancy no matter how much she denies it. I tried and tried to have a reasonable conversation regarding abortion and she flipped, and now I am expected to suffer? No way. I love my kid, but sorry I'm not fighting for custody. She can have her and I am happy to send support. That's how nasty she is, I would simply rather not have her in my life at all and that makes me extremely sad because every child needs a father, and I really love my baby.

 

 

You relate everything you have about your wife, and you're going to surrender custody to her?

 

 

Maybe you're upset and not thinking clearly, but if that's the path you choose, you're making a big, big mistake.

[cabbageman]

Nah man. I talked to friends who knew her before I met her. She wanted this kid and was pretty much going to get it any way she could, I was just a naive idiot.

 

I'm a musician. I play alot, I tour, I have a full time job, on weekends I have gigs or am busy recording. I literally have no time to dad. Nor the interest. She knew this, yet no respect. I made a mistake and I acknowledge that, hence why I am getting a vasectomy soon. I see so many other dads and they just love everything about it, but I don't. I'm miserable doing this dad-thing. It's not for me.

 

She is a terribly miserable & negative person. I want nothing at all to do with her and if that means severing the ties with my kid so be it. It's sad, really sad. But it's better then fighting all the time. And if the kid wants to meet up with me later why not, but knowing the narcassistic mentally ill mother I know somehow all of this will be my fault, the kid will most likely be raised poorly and to hate me.

 

My parents even stepped in and said they would take custody of her worse case scenario. Seems like the best solution, but ex-partner made it clear that she'd kill herself if they took the kid from her.

 

Again I'm not being emotional or unclear, I am very tired of being stuck with such an abusive person. And I talked to her family, they are all aware of her many demons she refuses to face. Unfortunately for her it seems she's going to have to learn the hard way, my hope is that she gets the help she deserve and if either of us cannot take care of the kid properly my parents will step in as need be.

[d0nnivain]

You can't leave your child with this woman. Like it or not, you are a parent. You have moral responsibilities to your child. Own up to them. Keep the child safe. After that, do what you want.

[VeganButEatMyMeat]

I'm a musician. I play alot, I tour, I have a full time job, on weekends I have gigs or am busy recording. I literally have no time to dad. Nor the interest. She knew this, yet no respect. I made a mistake and I acknowledge that, hence why I am getting a vasectomy soon. I see so many other dads and they just love everything about it, but I don't. I'm miserable doing this dad-thing. It's not for me.

 

I'm in the same boat as you. Suicidal/abusive ex. She attacked me, had her arrested, I even got scared and gave her custody.. then she attempted suicide and I took my boy (3yrs old at the time) and moved to a different state.

 

So I have my boy 100% of the time and yes I had to give up A LOT of my hobbies. I loved riding mountain bikes, golfing, hiking, etc. all of which have gone by the wayside. It's all temporary man. Your music will always be there. When she gets older you can incorporate her and I assure you it'll mean more.

 

I didn't like doing dad stuff either but wait till you see their eyes light up when you do stuff for them. It's magical. Also it's not always hard. My boy loves playing with his trains or games on the iPad. I get to work on my car, or do chores, or just surf the internet/relax. I have a date-night babysitter, went on a date last night actually. It's not all 100% time consuming is what I'm getting at... and it seems as though it gets easier every day.

 

My last point and I'll stop. Playing amateur psychologist: your ex is obviously damaged. Probably BPD or NPD like my ex. Your daughter will grow up in a loveless non-supportive environment. Your ex will try feverishly to dull the pain inside in however way she can and your daughter will be subjected to many many men entering her life, raising her for short periods of time until your ex feels the emptiness again and moves on to another man.

 

Just Google "raised by borderlines" and "raised by a narcissist", read the stories. Hopefully it helps. Good luck sir!

[cabbageman]

Thanks for the advice.

 

I need more help.

 

1) She does not want to admit that our relationship is over. I try to make it clear by not spending time with her and by not involving her in my life. I stopped having sex with her. I sleep in a different room now. I'm not sure what else I can do to make it clear, she is in denial, but then in the next breath she says she is very lonely, so I do think she knows but is just heartbroken. She knows she's not allowed to drink anymore because often she'd get drunk and be physically abusive to me, and then threaten to kill herself if I left her. So yeah... I'm just not interested at all anymore, and I'm really tired of dealing with someone so miserable, so I've been going out more. Even before the baby when things weren't bad I just didn't care that much, we've both changed alot. I understand everybody has lows but this is ridiculous, I can't even have one day of peace at home. She can blame it on her family passing away (grieving), or her traumatic passed, or past partum (which is for sure real) but she does not seem to be capable of taking any sort of accountability for her own actions and emotions, and this is a huge turn off for me. I refuse to enable her either. And her excuse is that things are fine when I'm not there, so as you can see it's a vicious cycle because I'll suggest I just leave then and we're back to square 1.

 

2) Time management is an issue. I truly don't know how others manage. Not trying to be rude when I say this but why can't you put the kid in the crib or lock her up in a safe room if you want to have a shower or feed yourself? Your survival needs should come first. She freaks out every single time the baby cries, nothing gets done all the time. She seems to depend on me for her free time, I never agreed to this. Great grandma is thankfully stepping in and watching her now 3x a week during the day so she can get her therapy sessions and then my folks watch her once a week. I do not believe children need constant attention/entertainment, just supervision. They shouldn't be taught they they are the center of the world either. So it turns out our parenting values are totally different and definitely causing some friction. After all my work is done I have about an hour a day to spare watching the kid and for me that's plenty (quality vs quantity anyways).

 

3) If she were to move out with the kid I wouldn't be able to send support until I sold my house and found somewhere cheaper for myself to live. My mortgage is up in a year, seems like a fair plan to stick it out until we can part ways. But even then, she's either going to have to get a job and find a sitter, or, go on welfare? Is that what she'd have to do to make ends meet?

 

3) As far as keeping the kid goes I just don't know. I love my baby, I really do, but not at the expense of my sanity and happiness, I come first. I'd rather just be a weekend dad or not involved at all, that's how nasty the momma is. I don't even care about custody or personal property, take it all and be gone. People say oh you'll regret xyz, you're wrong, that's bad... but I've just never been a family man. I don't care, I'm not religious and we're not even married. Both of them deserve someone more available and invested and I deserve the free time I need to succeed as an artist. Don't worry a vasectomy is on the way, I'm not going to make this mistake again. Thing to note is that she wanted this kid much more then I, and although she's twice my age she clearly didn't think of the consequences.

 

I'd be more sympathetic if I wasn't being physically abused daily. Seems I might have to sell the house sooner then I thought.

[Xamer]

Sounds like you are going through an awful time. There are many things out there to help her. If you pay what your expected to pay and she refuses to help herself it's really out of your control. Hopefully she has some sense to not harm the child and gets herself some help.

Edited December 17, 2017 by Xamer

[Calmandfocused]

Some tough love about to come your way. I don't mean any disrespect but something is screaming out at me that I really think you need to consider. Mainly about your attitude and your failure to take responsibility here...

 

So you're quite happy for your daughters life to be destroyed in order to save yours? I'm reading over and over that being a father is "not your thing", and I'm therefore interpreting you to be putting your needs over your daughters. Whilst I don't deny that your partner has issues you are trying to blame her for these emotions you have as according to you she's "nasty". These emotions are yours and nothing to do with her. You need take responsibility here and understand that some selfish feelings are coming into play here on your behalf.

 

Like others have said, you can attend to your needs after prioritising your daughter. None of this is your daughters fault. You made her, it's your job to protect her. Work to provide for her. Who cares if this isn't exactly what you want. It's what she needs.

 

I have 2 kids, I do my own thing when they are not with me and I enjoy myself. You can do that too. Like yours my ex is off his trolley and if he ever tried to get custody of the children I would fight against it until the very last breath left my body.

Edited December 19, 2017 by Calmandfocused