She says she wants a divorce?

[DeanWinchester]

Hello all, I posted on this forum 5 years ago and got the best advice of my life that pointed me in a direction that helped me tremendously regarding my love life. So I decided to come back here again in my time of need.

 

So here is the story.

 

My wife and I have been married for 6 months. We were together a year before that. Recently we have had some troubles, mainly we are both hard headed and don't cope well after an argument. I have gotten better and learned how to calm her down and help her realize it wasn't a big deal. Her first instinct is to run (her upbringing and past relationships have terrified her of any conflict), so that is very hard to deal with when she goes to her mothers after a fight (only 2 times... so far..).

 

It all started about 3 weeks ago, she became very distant with me for a couple of days and after day 3 of her not even talking to me I finally sat her down and asked. She said her ex contacted her the previous week (not really sure why this made her distant to me). So naturally I dug, and the story i got was he called her cell phone, and she called him back on her office phone and all that was said was along the lines of how have you been ok good bye. Now she said she called him back on her office phone, and didnt answer his original call because she knows it wouldn't show up on our monthly phone bill (planning and forethought on her part as to corroberate her story to me, or i'm reaching i'm not sure yet).

 

We got into an argument because she was very defensive about any further questions from me about this "Phone call". She ended up going to her mothers that weekend and we didn't talk the entire weekend. I asked her to come home that following monday and she did.

 

Fast forward to last night, about two weeks later. I noticed she had been having contact with an old friend, or at least she says is an old friend and gave me his sob story about how he has no friends. whatever. So they have been snap chatting a lot, enough to get a 10 day streak going... I want her to have friends but this made me uncomfortable and I let her know that. So one night he snaps her during dinner and I did something I have never done, i grabbed her phone and checked the snap. It was harmless... at least that one, But i noticed something else... a snap to someone who shares her exs last name.. and a snap streak. So i asked her who this was, she said he exs little brother... so to make sure I checked the number against her exs number thats saved in her phone and it matched.. so she wasn't lying about it being his little brother.. still a little weird in my eyes. I don't really have social media, but when i was in college the only thing that happened on snap chat for me was naked pictures of random women after about 3 harmless snaps. So I do not like it what so ever and don't use it, and would rather her not use it for other men even if they go back in friendship but I can't tell her to not do it. Anyways, that is probably nothing, just a little weird to snap someone and have more conversations with another man more than your husband.

 

Back to the story, so when I was cross checking the numbers to confirm it was his little brother and not her trying to hide the name and it really be him i went to his phone number in her phone. I noticed underneath it said (email, siri found emails) So naturally i clicked it and bam an entire deleted chain of emails between her and her ex. To my horror, the conversation was started by her... and she mentioned thinking about him. and flirting. Nothing sexual. But, he said we should catch up when im in town next time, and she said "Absolutely" and the next email was dated a few weeks later to yesterday where he emailed the dates hed be in town.

 

SO naturally, I crumbled. I may have over thought it. I confronted her immediately and she admitted he never called that she rreached out to him and she said he called her instead to "Not hurt my feelings". Anyways after our spat about this and how it hurt me and how I never even for one second could see her capable of actually meeting up with him, i called my friend in front of her ( i had already talked to him about this guy she has been snapchatting and told him I was crazy, that it shouldn't bother me.. of course he disagreed and said he wouldn't want his wife doing that mainly because the snaps disseapear and we all know what snapchat is used for) so i explained to him what happened and what i found. she says she doesn't want to be with me anymore because I'm a "mean" person. She said this because "I called my friend instead of talking to her about it and keeping it private" but my emotions were all over the place.

 

So she went to her moms Today. I tried talking to her mom, and asked her mom to tell her all I wanted was her to act like she wanted to be with me and not immediately run off or say she doesn't. Her mom replied and said she takes full responsibility for her actions, and that she never actually planned on meeting up with him but just felt bad for him because .. get this.. hes in rehab in a different state, but that my wife told her we rushed into marriage and we didn't really know each other.

 

My problem with all this is, she somehow turned this around on me... and won't even talk to me.. and doesn't want to be with me anymore. It's like she doesn't respect or love me enough to realize I just need her to try and act like she wants to be with me. Instead she runs and goes no contact (this is my wife not my gf, this is highschool style stuff) we share everything... i mean shes on my health insurance and phone plan... you don't just run and go no contact.

 

My questions i guess are, what do i Do?

 

Do yall think she was cheating?

 

Do yall think I am in the wrong and should reach out to her?

 

are the snapchat conversations / streaks appropriate for the opposite sex?

 

Should i apologize for calling her out to my friend before really getting to the bottom of it with her? I was freaking out.

 

What am I supposed to do? Do we actually get divorced?

 

Any other opinions please share.

 

Thank you, and sorry for the wall of text. I'm lost.

 

Edit: She already removed all of our pictures off of instagram, and removed me as a friend on snap chat. So far the facebook is still up and her relationship status is still married. This is childish of her in my eyes.

Edited November 3, 2017 by DeanWinchester
Forgot to mention her social media

[Marc878]

She's in an emotional affair and they are going to hook up to have sex.

 

File for D and leave this behind you. There no future with an immature cheater,

 

If you can't then your life will be a living hell going through this.

 

If the other guy is married inform his wife.

 

You have a chance to save your life and have a good one.

 

Being a doormat at this time is the worst thing you could possibly do

[DeanWinchester]

An emotional affair with her ex or the guy on snapchat?

[Trip2TheSky]

What I think you should do is start preparing yourself emotionally, because there are flaws in your wifes integrity and she seems to have a blatant disregard for your feelings on the matter. I'm sorry, OP for what you are going through.

 

This post struck a cord with me, because it reminded me of how I hurt my husband by being friends with a guy I had a small history with years ago. The difference? I did not cheat on my husband and my intentions were truly pure. The outcome? My Husbands mental health and security is my number one priority, so I stopped talking to that guy indeffinitely, so he can have peace of mind that I am all for him.

 

Now, the snapchat is iffy, because I never used snapchat for nudes or any other type of explicit content and had no idea it had a bad track record for that. So, your thread was very informative to me in that regard.

 

Do I think she's cheating? Possibly and I advise you to keep an eye on it.

 

Are you in the wrong? Absolutely not

 

Is snapping another man when married wrong? After my experience, I'd have to say yes.

 

Should you apologise? Heck no, because you are owed the apology in this situation.

 

Was telling your friend first wrong? Not in that situation and she was probably trying to use that as a tool to pin some guilt on you to feel better for her lousy indescretions.

 

You did the right thing, Op and I hope you see it clearer now.

 

Please protect your heart with this women and know your worth.

 

You should be the only man in her life, unless you have mutual friends that you both know and trust.

Edited November 3, 2017 by Trip2TheSky

[DeanWinchester]

What I think you should do is start preparing yourself emotionally, because there are flaws in your wifes integrity and she seems to have a blatant disregard for your feelings on the matter. I'm sorry, OP for what you are going through.

 

This post struck a cord with me, because it reminded me of how I hurt my husband by being friends with a guy I had a small history with years ago. The difference? I did not cheat on my husband and my intentions were truly pure. The outcome? My Husbands mental health and security is my number one priority, so I stopped talking to that guy indeffinitely, so he can have peace of mind that I am all for him.

 

Now, the snapchat is iffy, because I never used snapchat for nudes or any other type of explicit content and had no idea it had a bad track record for that. So, your thread was very informative to me in that regard.

 

Do I think she's cheating? Possibly and I advise you to keep an eye on it.

 

Are you in the wrong? Absolutely not

 

Is snapping another man when married wrong? After my experience, I'd have to say yes.

 

Should you apologise? Heck no, because you are owed the apology in this situation.

 

Was telling your friend first wrong? Not in that situation and she was probably trying to use that as a tool to pin some guilt on you to feel better for her lousy indescretions.

 

You did the right thing, Op and I hope you see it clearer now.

 

Please protect your heart with this women and know your worth.

 

You should be the only man in her life, unless you have mutual friends that you both know and trust.

 

 

Thank you the reply. This post did open my eyes, and if we end up working it out no more guys on snapchat. I do have this sinking feeling that (based off what ive discovered the past couple of days) that she isnt the woman i married or knew. That she hid her past and I feel very betrayed. Id like to think she isnt cheating, or wasnt going to cheat with the guy on snapchat or her ex.

 

I won't apologize, im glad you confirmed my side.. i feel like she is the one who needs to apologize.

 

Thank you for the reply really.

[Iunderstand]

I'm sorry to hear about your struggle.

 

You are not alone though.. and many men go through a hell of a lot worse than you have so don't feel too bad about ending up in this situation.

 

This woman still has feeling for her ex. The ex will possibly take her back and then blow her off which is exactly what she deserves. Either way she showed her true colors and it's time for her to go.

 

Here's what you do. Start working out hard. Get a trainer that looks like a monster -- not just some average guy saying he's a trainer.. but a real built monster. Get yourself in the best shape of your life. Put your anger and pain to work. Four days a week -- two hours a day --- dedicated to the gym.

 

The reality is if you had some beautiful woman calling you.. wanting you.. willing to do anything to be with you... this nasty hag wouldn't even be an after thought. This is the God honest truth and you know it. But perhaps you got relaxed and settled for this beast -- hoping it was great and it may have been great but soon the respect went down.. your value diminished.. and that's just the way it is.. You are a man -- take the pain. Don't chase her -- replace her.

 

The best instant relief from this horror is to go score a woman so much better than this miserable unfaithful beast that you thank God every day she did what she did to you early on. It's time to upgrade. A nice one.. that loves you.

 

Call the mother and say 'She's your problem now'. Cut the beast off of your insurance off of everything. Block her on facebook and everything else. Being nice is what got you here. Make the commitment to you -- bring it to another level. Your only focus now is to get in such insane shape you can grab someone ten times hotter than this spoiled cheating whore without more than just a week or two of effort. The gym is always there for you and that's where you need to be.

 

You've just had a cancer removed -- be thankful. Get some new woman.. anything that comes your way to be able to just decompress and have someone nice.. a friend -- maybe more. And start working on you and maket the commitment be in absolutely the best shape of your life.

 

I went through hard times and heartache ... we all do. I said to myself .. you're a man -- take the pain. And I did exactly what I am telling you to do.

 

I ended up married to a woman I never would have imagined I could get -- and she's absolutely great. Better than any woman I've ever been with -- and I married her -- now I have a life I wouldn't have even hoped to have had I not taken the pain I felt and turned it into positive action.

 

Had I just accepted my lot and stayed with some other beasts that just used me as a doormat -- my life today would have just been a pipe dream.

 

The BS I went through drove me to be better, demand more for myself, and really make my life as great as I could have imagined.

 

You should thank God for this miserable cow and how she treated you. Now go get the life you deserve to live with the woman you want not just one you grit your teeth and bear. It's time to get to work. Make it happen.

[BluesPower]

Yes she is cheating...

 

Listen, you sound very young, and very inexperienced. You also sound like you two did not date very long before you got married.

 

Brother, you need to file ASAP and lose this girl. Chalk it up to experience.

 

Then, after you get divorced, take some time to grow up and date a few women before you even think about getting serious.

Edited November 4, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
rude ~T

[Trip2TheSky]

Thank you the reply. This post did open my eyes, and if we end up working it out no more guys on snapchat. I do have this sinking feeling that (based off what ive discovered the past couple of days) that she isnt the woman i married or knew. That she hid her past and I feel very betrayed. Id like to think she isnt cheating, or wasnt going to cheat with the guy on snapchat or her ex.

 

I won't apologize, im glad you confirmed my side.. i feel like she is the one who needs to apologize.

 

Thank you for the reply really.

 

 

It's no problem at all and I'm really glad that my post helped you see the light in such a dreadful reality.

 

You will come out a lot stronger, just keep your chin up and keep us posted on the coming events.

[DeanWinchester]

I'm sorry to hear about your struggle.

 

 

Thank you for the reply. I loved the enthusiasm it actually made me feel happy tbh.

 

I have been hitting the gym for years, 7 days a week. I'm an absolute monster with tattoes covering most of my body (really good, and really expensive ones... and they all connected together no sticker tats). I also have a graduate degree in engineering and make more money than all of my engineer friends and most of my family. I'm not polishing myself here just pointing out that I think I took most of this advice 5 years ago when i posted about my previous relationship problems . In short, I like to think i'm a good catch.

 

I do have other women always coming up to me and trying to be near me all the time at work and anywhere outside of that, flirting etc.. I just wear a ring and am faithful so I have never given in to anyone... yet.

 

Thank you for the reply. I will take the advice here and the other thread i accidently double posted.

 

Thank you

[DeanWinchester]

Yes she is cheating...

 

Listen, you sound very young, and very inexperienced. You also sound like you two did not date very long before you got married.

 

Brother, you need to file ASAP and lose this girl. Chalk it up to experience.

 

Then, after you get divorced, take some time to grow up and date a few women before you even think about getting serious.

 

I have trusted my wife and my brain told my gut to shut its mouth. Which is what happens when you love someone and your brain goes into self preservation mode... it ignores the gut and .. facts really.

 

Posting here and reading the replys puts it in perspective... which is why i did.

 

I will go see my lawyer monday. I just disconnected her phone.

 

Thank you for the advice... it really helped.

Edited November 4, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
reply to edited post ~T

[DeanWinchester]

It's no problem at all and I'm really glad that my post helped you see the light in such a dreadful reality.

 

You will come out a lot stronger, just keep your chin up and keep us posted on the coming events.

 

Based on all of the replys (being mostly consistent) I think I am going to see my lawyer Monday.

 

I just disconnected her phone, I tried reaching out and she didn't answer.. and didn't call back or text back. Which isn't ok when I am paying the phone bill. Maybe I am crazy I don't know anymore.

 

I will keep everyone updated.

[Iunderstand]

I'm really happy you're in great shape. That approach made all the difference for me.

 

With this woman however if she does wander back this will happen again.. Maybe not this month or this year.. but it will. A tiger doesn't change its stripes.

 

If you are in the woods and there's a lost dog, a golden lab let's say -- what happens when it notices you and then you start walking towards it? It moves away. If you look like you have something of interest and kind of walk away -- it often comes towards you. This take-away approach is what you use -- kind of like verbal judo .. if she's pushing away you pull by walking away.

 

Go out with some nice woman - one that you notice is smiling -- as these days it seems very few are.. someone nice. It doesn't have to be Miss South Carolina or anything - just a happy nice person.

 

Tell your current girls mother "I can't be what she needs me to be. I want this but she doesn't seem to... I think we could be great but it is what it is."

 

"Tell your daughter I consider us separated for now and I just have to live my life as much as I hate this.. this is what she wants and I'm no slave master. I have to go on and live my life. If she wants this she has to show it, she has to grow up. I'm sorry but she's your problem now. I have to live my life."

 

These woman want their cake and to eat it to.. Woman are gatherers -- you are still in the basket so to speak. You just put her on notice you are getting out of the basket and fast. The walk-away approach. Then go find an actually happy fun woman to go with - hopefully a knockout too.. but remember if she's hot but also a miserable person --over time the hot fades and the miserable person stays miserable.

 

The idea is you play by understanding the gatherer mode and put her on notice you are going to see others and you aren't coming back ... just like she wants to keep the ex on the team -- keep all her options -- one option (you) is basically blowing her off and you also put the mother on notice that her little princess has now been offloaded -- and now she's back home .. back on the tit for good!

 

Go see a really nice woman and tell her you really like her but don't know what to do.. This now creates a competition in the new woman's mind.

 

Give yourself as many options as possible and change the game around to let the current woman know you are almost gone -- that's it. She got what she wanted. Cancel the health plan -- Cancel the phone.. that's it.

 

This tells her the end is near and being a gatherer and wanting all her options available chances are this will have her panicked. She'll likely be contacting you or heading back -- then don't fight but don't be a pushover.. Say something like "If you want me.. I want you. Are you finally ready?"

 

Finally don't fight with these creatures. I can be right or I can be happy is what I always say.

 

If they are upset with you.. repeat what they are upset about "You mean -- you're upset because I came home late??" They'll say "Yes. I am upset! Blah blah blah!"

 

You say.. baby (pause) (sadly and remorsefully) If my coming home late upset you (pause... look down) well I apologize for that. I mean I don't know what I can do.. I screw up everything.. Look down and genuinely upset.. This works.

 

It's what you might call a turnaround.. and again.. verbal judo.

 

This is the response they never expect and it works.

 

Never ever go head to head because if you work out .. your temper goes from 0 to 100 in five seconds.. That can kill a lot of hard work setting up a good relationship.

 

I hope some of this helps. You're on the road to much better situation already.

[S2B]

Yes, she's been cheating. You can tell by her lying, sneakiness and disrespecting you.

 

 

She's not worth you time. She's shown who she really is, so believe her, and cut her loose.

 

Be grateful you know now instead of ten years from now.

 

 

Don't give in and don't listen to her begging when she tries to come back.

 

 

I'm sorry for your pain.

[Trip2TheSky]

Based on all of the replys (being mostly consistent) I think I am going to see my lawyer Monday.

 

I just disconnected her phone, I tried reaching out and she didn't answer.. and didn't call back or text back. Which isn't ok when I am paying the phone bill. Maybe I am crazy I don't know anymore.

 

I will keep everyone updated.

 

 

That's right! After her mindless and selfish infidelity, you come first and foremost.

 

Keep on that path and you will come out unscathed.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Dean, after reading your OP and subsequent posts it appears your wife is behaving like an uncommitted Girlfriend and not even like a committed 'in love' GF or Fiancee, forget a committed 'in love' wife'. She is an immature woman who is just not ready to be in any kind of a committed relationship.

 

In these circumstances it is best that you oblige her wishes by initiating divorce proceedings and cutting her off completely. Her tendency to run to her mother's place just shows she is unfit to be a wife. The next time around do your due diligence when searching for a wife. Warm wishes.

[DKT3]

Is she Cheating? Most likely, and that's a big problem, but until you have proof you just never know. Bigger issue and one you do have proof of, she is still in love and/or not over her ex. She is risky to remain married too. You could stay and attempt to work it out, but judging from what you've said that would require you letting this go, she clearly isn't going to admit much. Even if she did, you still have a huge issue, she is still in love and/or not over her ex. See the pattern here? She is still in love and/or not over her ex. How can you possibly expect to work this out? You have no history with her, he does. Dude, lawyer up and bail on this sham of a marriage.

[Bufo]

Do yourself a favor before you go out on the prowl for other women. Talk to your lawyer about your state's divorce laws concerning adultery and fault in general. It's not worth a few dates to lose half or more of what you accumulated before the marriage. Then listen to the advice you receive. And act on it.

 

Back in the days before I retired I was always secretly pleased when the other spouse fell in love as I knew however much my client felt the pain of this rejection my client was handed a huge negotiation advantage. You don't want to do that--short term pain is long term gain.

 

Your long term goal is to get out of infidelity. That means D or R but those are only means to reach the goal. You don't have to choose one or the other immediately. Play the long game, and play it better than her.