Why Some People Are Just Destined To Be Alone

[GuitarGuy7]

I remember my first day of moving into the college dorms in a different town. The year prior I made it one of my major goals in life to get a girlfriend, have sex, at least kiss a girl. I thought moving away to college, where everybody talks about hookups and finding their partner there, would allow me to find someone. After years of being a high school loser, I was finally going to find someone. Of course, two years went by and I never found anybody.

 

I thought I was going to find somebody when I turned 22 years old. I was so determined, so eager, so full of hope that this was going to be my year where I would finally get to experience love from a woman. But 22 flew by and STILL no success with women.

 

How can someone like me go YEARS without dating anybody, while a lot of people can date someone new within a couple of weeks? Why do some people go on date after date, while others like me struggle to even get a reply back?

 

Why is dating ridiculously easy for some while it's painfully hard for others?

 

 

 

Because the truth is, dating is a skill where you can be naturally good at, average at, or be naturally bad at. The majority of us fall in the middle of the spectrum, we may have had a bf/gf here and there, been on a few dates in a year, had several partners before we find "the one". Then there's others who are either really successful or really unsuccessful.

 

Think about a basketball player. An ideal basketball player is tall, athletic, can jump high, and has phenomenal hand-eye coordination. People with these traits have the most potential to be really good at basketball, maybe even good enough to play D1 or even make it to the NBA. Now think of someone who's the opposite of an ideal basketball player. They're short, slow, and can't dribble. The game of basketball would be very frustrating for these type of people because they're basically playing a game they weren't designed to be good at.

 

Now translate this over to dating and the pursuit of romantic partners. Some people are never going to struggle with finding someone new because they possess traits that those of the opposite sex find attractive. They're tall, good looking, know how to make people laugh and know how to make people feel good. They can go from partner to partner with relative ease, they probably think going a year without sex for a year is a long time. That's how privileged they are.

 

Then there's other people on the opposite end of the spectrum possessing traits that are not ideal. They're not tall, they're not good looking, they look like they'd star in Duck Dynasty before they ever were rockin in a Calvin Klein magazine. They're shy, they're socially awkward, they don't know how to make others laugh. For people who are like this, dating is a huge struggle. It will take months, maybe even years of pain, frustration, and heartbreak before they even find someone. They'll watch as all of their Facebook friends get into relationships while they can't even get someone who will say yes to a date. They will feel lonely and alone in a society that is obsessed with love and sex. That's what it's like being a 20+ dateless virgin.

Edited November 4, 2017 by GuitarGuy7

[StephenV]

But remember that Facebook isn't an accurate indicator of happiness!!

[alphamale]

excellent post. all I would add is that dating is very hard when you're young, a lot of people develop people skills as they get older. people have to date in their own 'league' to be successful.

[basil67]

A very old friend of mine is shy with women. I was always more of a talker and he rarely said much. Average looking dude, not very charming, kinda negative at times, you name it. He started getting into tattoos and piercings. He would get big, interesting tattoos and painful looking piercings. It worked for him. He no longer needed to talk to women, because they would start talking with him. They'd ask him about his art or his piercings and suddenly he would get dates.

 

Getting a cute dog is a less painful way of achieving the same result

[basil67]

You talked about how fussy you are with women on this post http://www.loveshack.org/forums/transitioning/search/639530-why-meeting-people-so-hard

 

Mate, you don't get to complain about being single when you'd only date +/- 10% of women you see. This is your choice - it's not destiny.

[SammySammy]

All of your examples and rationalizations are excuses. A bunch of false equivalences and other logical errors.

 

The truth is there are thousands of guys similar to you with girlfriends and getting laid.

 

That’s how you got here. I’m sure your father or grandfather was very similar to you. Still procreated somehow and we ended up with you.

 

The difference is they didn’t let the excuses defeat them.

 

And, the truth is, if you approach her the right way and treat her right, there’s also a woman (women) out there for you.

 

There’s a saying “what you focus on grows”. Continue to focus on the excuses and reasons you “can’t” succeed and you won’t succeed.

 

If you want to win, you have to do what it takes to win. That starts with a positive mindset.

[healing light]

Trust me, there are plenty of average-to-ugly people with less than desirable personalities who are constantly in and out of relationships. There are many beautiful people inside and out who have no one for years.

 

Honestly, two factors I believe determine whether someone is in a relationship are 1. how deserving they feel of having someone else (what they believe about themselves) and 2. how much they are handing out lessons. I've rarely seen an abusive personality be single, but I think that's because their arrogance and domineering facade can come across as potentially charming. And it has nothing to do with their "skill" at dating or conducting a healthy relationship.

 

There is definitely an ass for every seat.

[Blanco]

Think about a basketball player. An ideal basketball player is tall, athletic, can jump high, and has phenomenal hand-eye coordination. People with these traits have the most potential to be really good at basketball, maybe even good enough to play D1 or even make it to the NBA. Now think of someone who's the opposite of an ideal basketball player. They're short, slow, and can't dribble. The game of basketball would be very frustrating for these type of people because they're basically playing a game they weren't designed to be good at.

 

I'm not going to dispute that some people have an easier go of dealing with the opposite sex, whether it's because it's something that comes naturally or if they just have an allure to them. But your basketball analogy made me think about someone I used to date.

 

She played ball throughout school and even made the varsity team very early in high school. Even in college when she played intramural basketball, she could hang with the girls who were on the school team. I remember her telling me once that she knew early in high school that she wasn't the best natural player, but she made up for it with striving to be the highest-effort player on the court. She's applied that to other areas of her life, and now some years later, she's one of the most successful women I know.

 

My point is, you can take your analogy and decide that it's not fair some people are more naturally inclined to succeed at something. Yes, it's frustrating not to be one of those people, especially for something like opposite sex interactions.

 

But I think these people, myself included, would be better off to implement the mindset my ex had. No, these things don't come naturally to us, but the skills aren't unobtainable. They just take a lot more work.

[Mysterio]

When I look at my friends. None of them are ladies men. From my observation. As I have said in other posts. Its like the women who are now their main steadies. They just dropped into my male friends laps. Take the women away. Some of them would have nothing. Some would be dating.

 

Funny the one who just broke up with his wife of 19 yrs and 9 yrs of dating. Totalling 29 yrs together and 3 kids. The oldest is 24 and the youngest is 17. My buddy S is now on to a new woman. He has always been a player and slept around on his wife. So he has that skill to bed women when it happens.

 

For me. I don't have that. I am more skilled with friendships a lot more. Dating to me is at best a C. I can't say I have had nothing, but its never ideal and the common thing with me is that the women I tend to chase are attached, when I finally get the scoop on them. So I have to let it go when I find out their status.

 

As I have said before. It feels like for me the more I try. The more obstacles there are in terms of the woman being attached. Be thy happy or not in their personal relationship. I just say Prayer to the Universe and be done with it. I think a lot of us here should just have a mental checklist in our heads, before we get wrapped up with any man or woman.

 

For me its the following for dating as a Man.

 

Status- Single/Widowed/Divorced-Childless -Woman. The second S/W/D- Woman with one kid maybe 2. if under 20. Pets no problem.

 

Age 30/40 something.

 

Ethnicity-open to all races.

 

Health minded and strives for fitness. A big music lover and likes to go to concerts/Movies/dining.

 

Personality- Girl next door, Chill, Able to bring interesting conversations and laughs. Very affectionate.

 

Lives close by.

 

Reacts to me in a warm sweet way and makes life fun and easy for us. Also expect the same from me.

Edited November 4, 2017 by Mysterio

[CptInsano]

@GuitarGuy

 

You make it sound like dating is a competitive sport. For most people it really isn't, and not because they are not able to, but because they don't want to, as they want to find a partner and not necessarily maximize their attractiveness, meaning that they don't want to change too much who they are or spend endless hours looking for just the right person, or somebody who is marginally better than the person who they are with at the moment.

 

None of us will ever compete in dating Olympics.

 

There was a time in my life where by timing, skill and circumstance I was able to attract multiple women, but it was not for me. It was more noise and confusion in my life than I needed.

 

Simply finding a gf is more about being open, having a good idea of who you are and who will make you happy, and just plain old grit to make contact and take rejection. It is far more of a craft than it is an art.

[warp123]

If these people have found love, everybody can

https://pbs.twimg.com/media/Bo6t22RIUAAfA5f.jpg

[alphamale]

There is definitely an ass for every seat.

 

indeed healing light, indeed

[HiCrunchy]

I feel that way too sometimes.

Saying there is someone for everyone. How do we truly know this?

I'm not saying this to be bitter but I think its just a way that people cope with not having a partner or when they are going through a breakup.

 

As for me, I am going to try and keep positive about finding love. (And that crap that love finds you is not true. A partner isn't gonna fall in your lap, this isn't a movie). If I don't find a partner in the end, I will at least say that I tried.

And that it proves in the end maybe I was meant to be alone.

 

I am trying to say that it is okay being alone, that some people aren't meant to have a partner. Maybe that is me, but I don't know until I try to find someone.

[hotpotato]

I'm not going to dispute that some people have an easier go of dealing with the opposite sex, whether it's because it's something that comes naturally or if they just have an allure to them. But your basketball analogy made me think about someone I used to date.

 

She played ball throughout school and even made the varsity team very early in high school. Even in college when she played intramural basketball, she could hang with the girls who were on the school team. I remember her telling me once that she knew early in high school that she wasn't the best natural player, but she made up for it with striving to be the highest-effort player on the court. She's applied that to other areas of her life, and now some years later, she's one of the most successful women I know.

 

My point is, you can take your analogy and decide that it's not fair some people are more naturally inclined to succeed at something. Yes, it's frustrating not to be one of those people, especially for something like opposite sex interactions.

 

But I think these people, myself included, would be better off to implement the mindset my ex had. No, these things don't come naturally to us, but the skills aren't unobtainable. They just take a lot more work.

My least favorite anaologies are those comparing dating and sports.

 

Op, maybe some people will be alone. Youre in youre early 20s. You have a lot of time and opportunities ahead of you. You may not be one of those people.

[elaine567]

Seems to me that a common trait in people who are struggling to find anyone is the dislike of places where it is possible to meet single people ie meet ups, parties, fun events, bars and clubs.

They get depressed on OLD and everyone around them seems to be already taken...

 

They are not willing to compromise their position concerning going out to meet other singles in places where singles congregate, and whilst others are coupling up, they are left on the sidelines and alone.

People tend to go out "socialising" to meet someone, it doesn't mean they are necessarily party animals or drunks...

[normal person]

How can someone like me go YEARS without dating anybody

 

That's a good question., but only you know the answer. What have you done to try?

 

while a lot of people can date someone new within a couple of weeks? Why do some people go on date after date, while others like me struggle to even get a reply back?

 

Most likely they do things that improve their odds of getting what they want, not just complain about how hard it is and expect something for it.

 

 

Why is dating ridiculously easy for some while it's painfully hard for others?

 

Everyone has to play the hand their dealt. It may be "easy" for successful people as a result of difficult things they've done, sacrificed, overcome, achieved, etc that grant them the appeal to others that makes dating easy for them. The people who it's painfully hard for might be the ones expecting something for nothing; unwilling to face any sort of discomfort or challenge that might refine them and make them more appealing.

[warp123]

Tell us about yourself and dont take my questions as an attack towards you, maybe we can find the reason you are having trouble:

 

Whats your age and sex? Sorry dont remember now

 

Are you physically attractive? Average height or tall, good shape/fit/muscular, ugly, cute? Sadly it plays an important part.

 

How about social skills? Do you consider yourself awkward or you enjoy the company of people and groups? Are you a nice and kind person?

 

Are you a smart and interesting person to meet?

 

Are you good at something? Cooking, fixing stuff, playing a musical instrument.

 

Have you studied something or are you a highschool dropout?

 

Do you have a good job or you switch jobs between grocery stores and mcdonalds?

 

What kind of clothes do you usually wear? I mean if you are lets say 30 years old you cannot still dress like a skateboarder.

[ZA Dater]

Seems to me that a common trait in people who are struggling to find anyone is the dislike of places where it is possible to meet single people ie meet ups, parties, fun events, bars and clubs.

They get depressed on OLD and everyone around them seems to be already taken...

 

They are not willing to compromise their position concerning going out to meet other singles in places where singles congregate, and whilst others are coupling up, they are left on the sidelines and alone.

People tend to go out "socialising" to meet someone, it doesn't mean they are necessarily party animals or drunks...

 

The vast majority of this is true but having said that how do you advise the OP to integrate himself in such an environment?

[JustGettingBy]

 

 

 

Everyone has to play the hand their dealt. It may be "easy" for successful people as a result of difficult things they've done, sacrificed, overcome, achieved, etc that grant them the appeal to others that makes dating easy for them. The people who it's painfully hard for might be the ones expecting something for nothing; unwilling to face any sort of discomfort or challenge that might refine them and make them more appealing.

 

I don't know, I've seen people give up a lot and be 'handed' success, while others make several valiant efforts and still fail.

[elaine567]

The vast majority of this is true but having said that how do you advise the OP to integrate himself in such an environment?

 

He is in college he will never get a better chance to meet women.

There is usually a big social calendar associated and so many people to go out with and have a good time.

 

The Surprising Secret To College Success? Study Less And Socialize More

Your summa cum laude diploma might look great framed on the wall of your first condo, but your 4.0 won’t keep you warm at night or teach you how to thrive in an increasingly fragmented and insecure labor market.

[GuitarGuy7]

He is in college he will never get a better chance to meet women.

There is usually a big social calendar associated and so many people to go out with and have a good time.

 

 

 

One of the problems is that i'm going to be 23 in a month, i'm a 23 year old freshman hanging out with kids 4 or 5 years younger. I could still pass for a 20 year old if I wanted to. But I know here in 3 or 4 years, I will probably look older among a group of 19 or 20 year olds.

 

Are 18 to 20 year old girls into 23 or 24 year old guys? I'm just asking because i'll probably be in college for a while because I started late.

 

I took a few classes here and there through 18 to 20. But I didn't really start college until I was 21. I lived in the dorms when I was 21, moved out and now i'm going to a community college back home.

[alphamale]

Are 18 to 20 year old girls into 23 or 24 year old guys?

of course they are. just make sure you get positive proof of age before you fool around.

 

you'll do fine

[elaine567]

I took a few classes here and there through 18 to 20. But I didn't really start college until I was 21. I lived in the dorms when I was 21, moved out and now i'm going to a community college back home.

 

Are you now living at home?

[GuitarGuy7]

Are you now living at home?

 

Right now yeah.

 

I moved out for the first time when I was 20 and I lived in an apartment for a year but I got very lonely and unhealthy. I was used to my parents cooking me dinner and now I was forced to go to the grocery store and I had no idea how to cook. I became unhealthy and underweight, and I was already barely normal weight back when I was with my parents. I was super depressed, super lonely, all I wanted was a girlfriend.

 

Then I moved to the dorms in college in another state when I was 21 simply because I wanted the college experience and I needed something new. It was nice that I didn't have to cook my own food and a gym was nearby so I gained back all the weight I had lost and I definitely was more healthy. The problem was that it was a small community college in the middle of nowhere, I became lonely and depressed because I didn't have any friends and seeing everyone hooking up or finding their bf/gf. So I moved back to my hometown to continue college.

 

Iv'e been living with my parents for about 6 months now. But right now i'm in the process of getting a new apartment with another roommate. Hopefully the third time is the charm

 

 

Everybody's worried about getting overweight and fat when they're older. I'll probably have the opposite problem. I'll probably be underweight when i'm older.

Edited November 5, 2017 by GuitarGuy7

[Mysterio]

I was going to write something long so I just cut it down.

 

Life is long. 80 to 90 something at best. If you really take care of yourself. For us to think we are missing out due to being single is a not what we should define ourselves.

 

Lots of people I know are breaking up. What makes one couple stay together vs another one that falls apart is personal temperment and circumstances.

 

It can't be just put together as one person is doing something right. The other wrong. I have two friends. S and G. Both Males. They broke up with their long term loves. S after 29 yrs. G after 10. Yet both of them lack in the friendship area of their lives. G does more than S. G has his current GF, but his family is not really there in terms of interacting with him. I have the family and friends, but the GF aspect in my life is scarce. The last date for me was 2015/2013. I don't have a lot of dates. Should I try to disect that part of my life.

 

I am really not surrounded by women that look at me as a romantic prospect that is single. Its hard to gage why certain people are single and why others can go from Relationship to Relationship.