Why Some People Are Just Destined To Be Alone

[Mysterio]

If I am supposed to live to 87/97. I guess I would rather have my love life at the back half of my life than the front.

 

Maybe we are a lot more restless with our lives in our 20-50/60's. I don't think that the 60-90's age group are that restless. They have better temperment. My parents made it more because they toughed each other out. More than they have this big love for each other.

[CptInsano]

Are 18 to 20 year old girls into 23 or 24 year old guys? I'm just asking because i'll probably be in college for a while because I started late.

 

Yes, they are. That's not an issue. But I'm not sure they are into guys that age who are living at home and depend on their parents for relatively simple tasks, such as cooking. At that age you'll be a young adult who should depend less on his parents and more on himself and his circle of friends.

[normal person]

I don't know, I've seen people give up a lot and be 'handed' success, while others make several valiant efforts and still fail.

 

As I said, you've got to play the hand you're dealt to the best of your ability. "Effort" isn't the X-factor, it's effort that manifests into competency, considered in conjunction with all the other things whether you can control them or not. You can "try" really hard at something, but if you're doing wrong to begin with, your effort doesn't help or is counterproductive until you can convert effort into practical knowledge and apply it.

[ZA Dater]

As I said, you've got to play the hand you're dealt to the best of your ability. "Effort" isn't the X-factor, it's effort that manifests into competency, considered in conjunction with all the other things whether you can control them or not. You can "try" really hard at something, but if you're doing wrong to begin with, your effort doesn't help or is counterproductive until you can convert effort into practical knowledge and apply it.

 

The best way to do this in my opinion is to set targets and goals and work towards those, really applies to everything so the above is good life advice.

[GuitarGuy7]

Yes, they are. That's not an issue. But I'm not sure they are into guys that age who are living at home and depend on their parents for relatively simple tasks, such as cooking. At that age you'll be a young adult who should depend less on his parents and more on himself and his circle of friends.

 

 

That's why my focus is becoming more independent because if I had a girlfriend now, my situation woudn't be too good.

 

I couldn't bring a girl back to my place because i'm living with my parents and my dad works from home. The only time he's out of the house is when he goes on business trips and that may only be once a month. None of this has ever been an issue for me because iv'e never had a gf before.

 

That's why i'm getting an apartment. Hopefully they will accept my application and I will be moving in within a couple of weeks.

 

Do I wish I would have dated younger? Heck yeah! Believe me, it truly does suck to not have any relationship experience. I still worry about being a 30 year old kissless virgin. That's going to be terrible because i'll be so much far behind everyone else.

 

But I have to put dating on hold, right now I have more important things to worry about. I will try again next year when i'm 23 years old.

 

I just REALLY don't want to be a 30 year old virgin.

[RecentChange]

I moved out for the first time when I was 20 and I lived in an apartment for a year but I got very lonely and unhealthy..... I was super depressed, super lonely, all I wanted was a girlfriend.

 

Then I moved to the dorms in college in another state when I was 21 simply because I wanted the college experience and I needed something new. ...... I became lonely and depressed because I didn't have any friends and seeing everyone hooking up or finding their bf/gf. .

 

THIS is your problem. Your social skills. You don't need a GF, you need social skills and friends. Once you have that - the girlfriend part becomes exponentially easier.

 

The people most successful in dating aren’t really the most attractive, nor the richest, nor the tallest etc – its people with good social skills.

 

They know how to communicate effectively. They know how to read body language, they use eye contact, personal space, and their own body language to “speak”. They can also effectively communicate through words – they know how to catch someone’s interest, how to make people laugh and feel welcomed, how to make people WANT to be around them.

 

Often “attractive” men and women are attractive to both sexes – and not just for sex! They have friends and are comfortable in a variety of social situations. They tend to have positive attitudes and other alluring qualities.

 

People like to be around people who feel good about themselves, and make others feel good as well.

 

I agree with some others – When it comes to college, THE TIME IS NOW. There is no other time when you will be surrounded by so many people within your same age range, within the same period of life, and so many single people.

 

When I graduated – and moved 500 miles to my new job. I was the youngest among my co-workers by 15 years. Most of which were married, kids etc – I am very glad I was not single and looking at that point because finding friends was hard enough, let alone a love interest.

 

So – what can you do about your social skills? Until you are good at cultivating FRIENDSHIPS, good at integrating into various social groups, finding a girl friend is going to be a serious uphill battle. Women are social creatures – we like to communicate. We also enjoy men who have confidence and allure – men who lack social skills rarely have these things.

 

So! Good to hear you are going back to college, it would be a great opportunity to meet people. You need to widen your focus off “girlfriend” and try to make some FRIENDS.

 

This apartment you want to get. Do you have to live alone? Most college students have roommates. Roommates are a great way to get out there and be social. They can bring over their friends, you can bring by yours, you can all go out on Friday nights, you get the idea.

 

Being as you have gone away to college before and found yourself “lonely and depressed” I am not sure striking off by yourself to live alone again would be the best course of action.

[snowboy91]

THIS is your problem. Your social skills. You don't need a GF, you need social skills and friends. Once you have that - the girlfriend part becomes exponentially easier.

 

The people most successful in dating aren’t really the most attractive, nor the richest, nor the tallest etc – its people with good social skills.

 

They know how to communicate effectively. They know how to read body language, they use eye contact, personal space, and their own body language to “speak”. They can also effectively communicate through words – they know how to catch someone’s interest, how to make people laugh and feel welcomed, how to make people WANT to be around them.

 

Often “attractive” men and women are attractive to both sexes – and not just for sex! They have friends and are comfortable in a variety of social situations. They tend to have positive attitudes and other alluring qualities.

 

People like to be around people who feel good about themselves, and make others feel good as well.

 

I agree with some others – When it comes to college, THE TIME IS NOW. There is no other time when you will be surrounded by so many people within your same age range, within the same period of life, and so many single people.

 

When I graduated – and moved 500 miles to my new job. I was the youngest among my co-workers by 15 years. Most of which were married, kids etc – I am very glad I was not single and looking at that point because finding friends was hard enough, let alone a love interest.

 

So – what can you do about your social skills? Until you are good at cultivating FRIENDSHIPS, good at integrating into various social groups, finding a girl friend is going to be a serious uphill battle. Women are social creatures – we like to communicate. We also enjoy men who have confidence and allure – men who lack social skills rarely have these things.

 

So! Good to hear you are going back to college, it would be a great opportunity to meet people. You need to widen your focus off “girlfriend” and try to make some FRIENDS.

 

This apartment you want to get. Do you have to live alone? Most college students have roommates. Roommates are a great way to get out there and be social. They can bring over their friends, you can bring by yours, you can all go out on Friday nights, you get the idea.

 

Being as you have gone away to college before and found yourself “lonely and depressed” I am not sure striking off by yourself to live alone again would be the best course of action.

 

Agree with this so much. When I first started uni I was lonely and convinced I'd never find a partner, then I realised how fun it was to have a social life so I worked on that and the dating side just fell into place. I definitely started to withdraw for a year or two but I'm again building an active social life. Even without a relationship it is fun and fulfilling to have a strong friendship group/support network. If you suck at social skills it's something that can be learned - don't be afraid to be the awkward one, I think it's better to be awkward and out with people than to be awkward and at home. But that's just me.

[GuitarGuy7]

THIS is your problem. Your social skills. You don't need a GF, you need social skills and friends. Once you have that - the girlfriend part becomes exponentially easier.

 

 

I agree with some others – When it comes to college, THE TIME IS NOW. There is no other time when you will be surrounded by so many people within your same age range, within the same period of life, and so many single people.

 

So! Good to hear you are going back to college, it would be a great opportunity to meet people. You need to widen your focus off “girlfriend” and try to make some FRIENDS.

 

This apartment you want to get. Do you have to live alone? Most college students have roommates. Roommates are a great way to get out there and be social. They can bring over their friends, you can bring by yours, you can all go out on Friday nights, you get the idea.

 

 

I do agree with what you have said. Social skills are not my strong suit although I do have some friends and connections which is a part of the reason I moved back home. Considering I couldn't even have a proper conversation with a girl until I was 20 years old, this is part of the reason why I was single for so long. I was comfortable talking to guys but around girls, I had this mental block which was stopping me from showing my true self to them.

 

I wasn't even friends with a girl until I was 21. When I lived in the dorms, this girl sat by me at lunch and we became friends over the semester. She said she had a boyfriend, and honestly I was okay with just being friends because at the time, I was so lonely and depressed that any sort of female connection even just platonic would have made me feel so much better. At the time, all I needed was a woman who was willing to talk to me and cared because I had been ignored by women my whole life.

 

Assuming I get this apartment, I will be living with a roommate but I don't think he's a super social type either. We're both in the same shoes; neither of us have a lot of friends, and I know he wants a girlfriend as well. So i'm probably not going to meet anybody through him. However, maybe we can go out together and do things and meet people together.

Edited November 7, 2017 by GuitarGuy7

[RecentChange]

Great to hear you will have a roommate etc.

 

GET OUT THERE

 

You won't improve your social skills nor meet girls sitting at home playing video games.

 

I think you should set goals for yourself to go out at least once a week. Get out of your comfort zone.

 

And make FRIENDS with girls. You have to walk before you can run. Having friendships with girls is invaluable - you will learn a lot and be more comfortable around them.

 

And trying to make friends in general is a good idea - girlfriend is basically a friend you have a sexual interest in.

 

Besides - social skills will help you in life in numerous ways. Often it isn't the smartest guy who gets the raises and promotions, but the competent guy who has good social skills, team player, good at making alliances - again, skills that will cross over into romantic relationships.

[ZA Dater]

THIS is your problem. Your social skills. You don't need a GF, you need social skills and friends. Once you have that - the girlfriend part becomes exponentially easier.

 

The people most successful in dating aren’t really the most attractive, nor the richest, nor the tallest etc – its people with good social skills.

 

They know how to communicate effectively. They know how to read body language, they use eye contact, personal space, and their own body language to “speak”. They can also effectively communicate through words – they know how to catch someone’s interest, how to make people laugh and feel welcomed, how to make people WANT to be around them.

 

Often “attractive” men and women are attractive to both sexes – and not just for sex! They have friends and are comfortable in a variety of social situations. They tend to have positive attitudes and other alluring qualities.

 

People like to be around people who feel good about themselves, and make others feel good as well.

 

I agree with some others – When it comes to college, THE TIME IS NOW. There is no other time when you will be surrounded by so many people within your same age range, within the same period of life, and so many single people.

 

When I graduated – and moved 500 miles to my new job. I was the youngest among my co-workers by 15 years. Most of which were married, kids etc – I am very glad I was not single and looking at that point because finding friends was hard enough, let alone a love interest.

 

So – what can you do about your social skills? Until you are good at cultivating FRIENDSHIPS, good at integrating into various social groups, finding a girl friend is going to be a serious uphill battle. Women are social creatures – we like to communicate. We also enjoy men who have confidence and allure – men who lack social skills rarely have these things.

So! Good to hear you are going back to college, it would be a great opportunity to meet people. You need to widen your focus off “girlfriend” and try to make some FRIENDS.

 

This apartment you want to get. Do you have to live alone? Most college students have roommates. Roommates are a great way to get out there and be social. They can bring over their friends, you can bring by yours, you can all go out on Friday nights, you get the idea.

 

Being as you have gone away to college before and found yourself “lonely and depressed” I am not sure striking off by yourself to live alone again would be the best course of action.

 

 

 

There is a huge amount of value in this post, I read it twice and picked up invaluable advice.

 

 

OP you need to act now, I am that guy you don't want to be, in fact I am 33 and yes you don't really want to be in this situation, the good thing is where you are now is a base to build something.

 

 

Truthfully the social skills and friends thing does work but they can be mutually exclusive too, I have good social skills but no friends because I simply don't like what anyone else likes. Beware of going down that road because its not especially helpful, you might have one skill but you need to work to get the other one.

 

 

Fully agreed on the alluring part, few people manage this without some sort of superficial help.

 

 

The bold part I think is relevant to every single guy on this forum who battles with dating. DONT feel bad if you don't have those attributes though, focus on improving what you have, I have been out enough to get highly irritated when there is someone who does catch my eye but mostly I have no chance because some super cool smooth talking guy can do what I cant, namely charm her.

 

 

Lastly, I hope you don't arrive at the place I am, its not totally bad but if you asked me at 23 if I wanted to be here in 10 years time I would definitely say "no". Work hard at changing your situation because walking around feeling like dating life has passed you by isn't a fantastic feeling at all. Then again I look at some guys I know and their relationship experiences and the calibre of people they dated and I don't feel that bad about missing out.

 

 

What you should do is look for positive experiences, even if its some girl smiling at you, these experiences keep you going.

[ZA Dater]

I do agree with what you have said. Social skills are not my strong suit although I do have some friends and connections which is a part of the reason I moved back home. Considering I couldn't even have a proper conversation with a girl until I was 20 years old, this is part of the reason why I was single for so long. I was comfortable talking to guys but around girls, I had this mental block which was stopping me from showing my true self to them.

 

I wasn't even friends with a girl until I was 21. When I lived in the dorms, this girl sat by me at lunch and we became friends over the semester. She said she had a boyfriend, and honestly I was okay with just being friends because at the time, I was so lonely and depressed that any sort of female connection even just platonic would have made me feel so much better. At the time, all I needed was a woman who was willing to talk to me and cared because I had been ignored by women my whole life.

Assuming I get this apartment, I will be living with a roommate but I don't think he's a super social type either. We're both in the same shoes; neither of us have a lot of friends, and I know he wants a girlfriend as well. So i'm probably not going to meet anybody through him. However, maybe we can go out together and do things and meet people together.

 

 

 

1: I can relate to this...work on changing it, you are in the best environment to do that. I studied via correspondence so I had nobody around me.

 

 

2: Again I can relate to this. Popular opinion will say I am wrong but try find this again, if nothing else you will feel quite ok about life and feel you aren't missing out too much. The positive is you could meet her friends.

[Yosemite]

 

I moved out for the first time when I was 20 and I lived in an apartment for a year but I got very lonely and unhealthy. I was used to my parents cooking me dinner and now I was forced to go to the grocery store and I had no idea how to cook. I became unhealthy and underweight, and I was already barely normal weight back when I was with my parents. I was super depressed, super lonely, all I wanted was a girlfriend.

 

Iv'e been living with my parents for about 6 months now. But right now i'm in the process of getting a new apartment with another roommate. Hopefully the third time is the charm

 

 

Set yourself up for success by grocery shopping and cooking at least once a week while you still live at home so that you get in the habit. Your mom can probably give you pointers on quick and easy recipes for during the week. Make it your responsibility to go to the store to get what you need, cook, and then clean up afterwards.

 

 

If your mom is still doing your laundry and cleaning your room, ask her to stop and start taking care of that yourself.

 

 

The more you practice now while still living at home, the less likely it will be that you will have to move back home for a third time.

[normal person]

Set yourself up for success by grocery shopping and cooking at least once a week while you still live at home so that you get in the habit. Your mom can probably give you pointers on quick and easy recipes for during the week. Make it your responsibility to go to the store to get what you need, cook, and then clean up afterwards.

 

 

If your mom is still doing your laundry and cleaning your room, ask her to stop and start taking care of that yourself.

 

 

The more you practice now while still living at home, the less likely it will be that you will have to move back home for a third time.

 

Agree. There's been some good advice in this thread but I can't help but think that more importantly than all that, OP needs to learn how to feed, take care of himself, and learn to live independently of his parents. He can be the most affable, gregarious guy on campus but if at 23 he still needs his mom to prevent him from starving, he's light years away from having a girlfriend. What needs to be considered is why people would or wouldn't want to date you. Possessing basic life skills is sort of a minimum requirement. I would take some time to figure that out first.

[GuitarGuy7]

Agree. There's been some good advice in this thread but I can't help but think that more importantly than all that, OP needs to learn how to feed, take care of himself, and learn to live independently of his parents. He can be the most affable, gregarious guy on campus but if at 23 he still needs his mom to prevent him from starving, he's light years away from having a girlfriend. What needs to be considered is why people would or wouldn't want to date you. Possessing basic life skills is sort of a minimum requirement. I would take some time to figure that out first.

 

i like tacos

Edited November 8, 2017 by GuitarGuy7

[gaius]

You're confused because you're trying to force yourself to do something you really don't want to do, all in the name of achieving some blanket goal you set for yourself as a kid. Which is not really a great way to live life.

 

For example, ever since I was a kid and saw Full Metal Jacket I wanted to be a marine. So in my mid twenties I finally signed up, started integrating myself into the culture and getting ready to go to basic. Running laps. Then I realized I hate running laps with a passion, and a lot of marine life was exactly that. So I ended up quitting before I actually shipped. Which was the right thing to do. Because it would have been silly having my life revolve around something I hated doing just because that's what I pictured for myself.

 

Maybe you suffer from social pressure, or maybe you just have an ideal set, but whatever is driving you to pressure yourself to do what you don't want to do, you just have to get over it. Figure out what you actually want and what's right for you. Once you do you won't sit around and wait for god to will it to you.

[ZA Dater]

You're confused because you're trying to force yourself to do something you really don't want to do, all in the name of achieving some blanket goal you set for yourself as a kid. Which is not really a great way to live life.

For example, ever since I was a kid and saw Full Metal Jacket I wanted to be a marine. So in my mid twenties I finally signed up, started integrating myself into the culture and getting ready to go to basic. Running laps. Then I realized I hate running laps with a passion, and a lot of marine life was exactly that. So I ended up quitting before I actually shipped. Which was the right thing to do. Because it would have been silly having my life revolve around something I hated doing just because that's what I pictured for myself.

 

Maybe you suffer from social pressure, or maybe you just have an ideal set, but whatever is driving you to pressure yourself to do what you don't want to do, you just have to get over it. Figure out what you actually want and what's right for you. Once you do you won't sit around and wait for god to will it to you.

 

 

 

Absolutely true in my opinion.

 

 

I'd say though when it comes to dating its very hard to find that out, harder because the perception is those around are enjoying huge success at dating but are they really?

 

 

How many of them are dating people out of convenience? How many girls are with guys because of desperation? How many guys are cheating on their girlfriends? I heard an astonishing story the other day from a girl friend of mine "he goes to bars and drinks and then is surprised when girls want to leave with him at 2am while I am at home". For me that speaks of absolute dysfunctional relationship.

 

 

Its easy to perceive good and yes there is good but its not ALL good.

 

 

If I were the OP I would balance a social life with the need to focus on studies because ultimately those will be the thing which benefits him most but again its a balance.

 

 

There is nothing wrong with blanket goals per se when it comes to dating but a sense of being realistic needs to brought into the equation. One thing I have found is for most of us we chase achievements and to an extent dream, dreaming is great in every part of life BUT NOT dating because its the one sphere of life you cannot study for you cannot prepare for and no matter how much you put into it you might still land up with a 'Fail".

 

 

I had a blanket dating of goal of going out with someone truly stunning gorgeous, the sort of person who makes heads turn and I managed that, actually went out with her a few time and I look back on that with fondness even if the situation was heavily compromised. She had an amazing personality too.

 

 

My point is if you are in your early 20's focus on getting some of the attainable experiences.

[Mysterio]

Face vs Personality. That is the question. I hate how love works now. In this era of relationships. Both parties have to be into each other physically before anything will work out. Even then. You can't judge until you get to know someone for a certain time.

 

I know people from High School that were married and they are now on to new relationships. I could see being restless when your in your teen/20's. 40"s?

 

For me. I think that I am not destined to be alone. If I was. Then I would never think about being in a relationship with a woman. I would be content to being single.

 

The woman I will have a LTR is someone that I have not met. She will seek me out and let me know. It has happened in the past. I am messing it up by making the effort with various women. For whatever reason. When I make that effort. Nothing happens in my favour. I guess I am more open to what comes towards me. Than me doing the leg work and trying to make it happen. By the way. As much as I need to be attracted to a woman. Its not just a sex thing for me.