Being cheated on

[saradanielle]

Ive been in a relationship for two years and got engaged in may. In july i got a random text from an old guy friend saying my fiance was texting one of his girl friends. My boyfriend made me feel crazy for thinking it was true. I was so blind sided and scared to lose him I chose to let it go and not worry. Flash forward to a couple weeks ago and hes starting to act weird and distant, taking forever to text me back saying that work is busy yet I can clearly see on his instagram that he was liking all these photos and friend requesting people. He has an instagram account btw with no mention of me on there or post or tags, and although I told him it looked fishy his page is apparently strictly for body building (he wants to compete one day). Looking back I feel stupid for not realizing all the signs in front of me and constantly letting him dictate what I should feel. Even now as I write this I would give anything to not snoop and confirm my suspicions but now I cant unsee what I saw, which was several messages between girls going on since the beginning of october. I feel like an untrustworthy person and a child for snooping threw his account but everything was stacked up against him and I needed to know for my own sanity. So now im sitting alone in my bed (he lives with his parents) and rereading a message that I typed out and am going to put in an envelope with his birthday card so he doesnt get suspicious and I had a couple things I needed to bring to him so i put all my old cards and photos and every memento in the box and taped it and ill tell him not to open the card till I leave so I can spend one last day with him before I make the hardest decision of my life. anyway the main reason Im on here is to have people read my message for him and see if its a good way to say goodbye, I want him to know Im hurt but I also want to take the higher road... THanks so much for your time everyone <3 Sara

 

 

 

Keith,

I wish I could have been everything you needed in life. I wish I could have been so perfect you would never have to look at another girl ever again. I wish I could have made you my husband and have beautiful babies with you. Unfortunately that wont happen becauses you broke my heart and my trust. I have no words for what you have done to me. You have been acting weird lately, barely texting me, never texting good morning, taking forever to respond saying work is busy yet you have time to follow all these people on instagram and liking their photos. I tried to ignore it and not cry over something I wasnt understanding. I tried to be there for you and be your support system when you needed me. Im not perfect and never have been but I deserve so much more than what you have done to me. I needed to type this out because if I said it to your face I would foolishly try to make an excuse for your unloyal behavior or try to convince myself it wont happen again and I was someone to blame for your unfaithfulness. I looked at your instagram, I know you have been talking to several woman and completing disregarding our relationship. I figured something was up when you said you had your notifications off and were watching strange things, why would you have your notifications off? and netflix showed that you never even watched stranger things or it would have started on the next episode and would have been in your recently watched. Im sorry I had to go that far but I was almost certain something was up and I needed proof or you were going to make me look crazy again. You wrote them while im laying next to you in bed. Before you get mad and say I disrespected your privacy, dont bother getting mad, you dont even know the meaning of respect. Im not even sure if you actually cheated on me before with the girl from work, you have completely lost my trust. It is one of the most painful experiences of my life knowing that the man of my dreams could take my heart and use it so carelessly. I will never fully trust anyone again, I was so blindsided by this, even typing it now it feels unreal. I dont know how you can kiss me and look me in the eyes knowing all the things youve said to these other girls. I dont know if ill ever get past this gut wrenching feeling and fall for someone else again, im thankful I have amazing friends and family to fall back on. I wish I didnt brag so much about you to everyone because now I just feel so dumb and naive for thinking I had my fairytale guy. I have never felt so loved and cherrished and have never experienced passion like we had, but I refuse to be a fool and stay with someone who doesnt love me. I was never not loyal to you. I would have honestly given my last breath if thats what you needed. My heart was so invested in you through all the good and bad. I think the things ill miss the most is your incredible mother, who I will always love and the person you once were before all of this cheating. How long did you plan on leading me on? How long would I have been lied to? Thank you for letting me support us financially thinking we were building a future together. Did you feel bad at all when I gave you gifts and helped you pay off your credit card while you are sweet talking some other girl? Do you care about me at all? Did you ever care? I have so many questions and through it all I cant believe my heart still wants you. Im sorry that I made you so miserable you had to cheat. I only wanted the best for you. Thank you for the past two years of ups and downs. I was always there for you even after you broke my heart the first time. I Thank you for making me feel crazy all this time about being suspicious of your behavior, turns out I was right all along. I dont know how you could have cheated on me when you know exactly how painful that feels. Im selling the engagment ring since it cleary has no meaning to you. I dont want any reminders of what I could of had with you. You can keep everything in the box or throw it away, I dont care at this point im too numb to feel anything. I sincerly hope shes worth it Keith, at least that way I wont feel like I was cheated on by a nobody.

 

 

P.S. Again im sorry for going through your instagram, but im glad I did so I dont have to look like an idiot madly in love with you anymore. Im so proud of myself for doing this because I spent the past couple days contemplating wether or not I should pretend like I didnt see anything wrong and make you refall in love with me, but I think you would just think you are super slick and getting away with cheating. Im sure eventually you would have flew to NY and ****ed that chick behind my back anyways so I mind as well get the heartbreak started now.

[Space Ritual]

I am so so sorry this is happening to you.

 

A couple of things.....

 

1. Take a deep breath. There are plenty of us here who have survived and thrived after being subjected to infidelity.

 

YOU WILL GET THROUGH THIS.

 

2. Do not feel bad at all for snooping. Your gut told you something was wrong, and lo and behold it was.

 

Those who have nothing to hide, hide nothing. He was just stupid enough to not cover his tracks.

 

3. None and I mean NONE of his cheating has anything to do with you. I know that seems awful to say, but you must understand that he makes these choices knowing full well that there will be consequences to them.

 

He just figured the reward for messing about was much more than the risk he took breaking your heart. He is a broken, selfish Oaf (Bodybuilders usually are). I've never met one who had an IQ larger than my waist size so it was not like you were dating an Einstein.

 

His Instagram shenanigans bear that out.

 

So all that being said......

 

Please do NOT send that letter is you have not done so.

 

Sending a letter like that does nothing for you and totally feeds his ego. It feeds it in that he will take pride that you are heart broken over this, and probably he would make sure to keep it for a moment. when he was not so self assured so he could say to himself. "Look at what I did to her...I still got it. They all want me..."

 

Here is what you do, sweetie.

 

You take that letter and put it away somewhere so one day when this is nothing but a bad memory you will run across it, read it, and then laugh and say "What in the hell was I thinking giving this dweeb? Why did I waste headspace on a Muscle Head Guido that lives with his parents...

 

And Then...

 

You delete him from your life. Go Dark , block him form any and all social media, email, phone numbers...all of it.

 

And don't look back.

 

Grieve what you thought you had for a few days, and then pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and go forward with the knowledge that there are TONS of great guys out there that will treat you the way you deserve.

 

And whatever you do, stay NO CONTACT with this dork no matter what.

 

There is no need for "closure", for it is not only fleeting, but rarely if ever do you get the answers you seek.

 

Closure is a concept that became popular in bad TV moves that have Diane Lane in them...usually in her movies she is either cheating in her lover, or being cheated on...then she has a Eureka moment, the music swells and all is solved in 2 hours as the piano music slowly closes out the final scene before the credits roll.

 

Closure is BullSchnitt.

 

 

 

Run Screaming into the night away from Mama's Boy Pauly D, and forget yo ever knew him.

You'll be fine...you will get through this..and the best way to do it is by making the memory of him like a memory of a Loud fart in Study Hall.

 

Years from now, you'll just remember this guy was a fart in your life...nothing more, nothing less:)

[saradanielle]

Thank you so much for replying! what you said means a lot to me! I havent sent it yet so I think Ill just hide it somewhere like you said. Do you have any suggestions on how I should confront him?

[KBob]

Thank you so much for replying! what you said means a lot to me! I havent sent it yet so I think Ill just hide it somewhere like you said. Do you have any suggestions on how I should confront him?

 

A simple and non confrontational way would be to take a photo of a conversation he had with the mistress and text it to him. Then block him and never say a word to him again.

[viatori patuit]

Anything you say to him will feed his ego.

 

Space ritual nailed it. Get out fast and never look back.

[GoldenR]

Spot on advice with not sending that letter.

 

Go dark. Ghost him. No contact AT ALL. He deserves no consideration here.

[Space Ritual]

Thank you so much for replying! what you said means a lot to me! I havent sent it yet so I think Ill just hide it somewhere like you said. Do you have any suggestions on how I should confront him?

 

By not giving him the satisfaction of ever knowing why you did an about face

on him and decide he was a total tool.

 

You ever hear the phrase "Vote with your feet?"

 

Do that...and just fade away. No rhyme or reason. Just vanish from his life.

 

If you have anything at his...oops I mean if you have anything at his Mommy and Daddy's house...either arrange for someone else to pick it up or consider it a loss and the price of walking out of his life.

 

People tend to assume there needs to be some sort of exit interview for these type of things when all that would do is feed the ego of this guy.

 

There need not be...Vote with your feet and leave him wondering what the hell happened.

[smackie9]

I'm sorry you are hurting, how horrible for you.

 

What I see with letters like that, is a desperate hope to get a response from them of remorse and maybe potential to keep the relationship because that is what the heat truly wants. I know I have been there.

 

 

A blunt "I'm ending this, don't contact me again" would be the best way to slam his ego. It will show him you are strong in your decision and he has lost his control over you.

[LadybugLucy]

One thing that stood out to me in your letter is that you are taking responsibility for his cheating. Never ever apologize to a man for not being who they need and causing them to cheat. This is on him. It’s his character flaw. You will find a man who loves and respects you just as you are. You did not make him cheat. So don’t own his bad behavior.

 

I agree with the poster who said you should only say “I’m ending this. Don’t contact me again.”

[Space Ritual]

One thing that stood out to me in your letter is that you are taking responsibility for his cheating. Never ever apologize to a man for not being who they need and causing them to cheat. This is on him. It’s his character flaw. You will find a man who loves and respects you just as you are. You did not make him cheat. So don’t own his bad behavior.

 

I agree with the poster who said you should only say “I’m ending this. Don’t contact me again.”

 

OP, if you don't listen to anything else, please please please listen to what this poster is telling you.

 

 

I want you to know something that took me a long long time to understand when my fiance cheated on me....

 

As much as I wanted to believe that indeed it was my fault, I came to the realization that it had nothing to do with me. And all to do with her. Her Brokeness, her selfishness, her dismissal out of hand of ever keeping the potential vows she would have taken to me.

 

It would have been easier in a way for me if I Had gone through the rest of my life blaming myself. After all, it would have been something I could have always drawn on if I wanted to go Pain Shopping.

 

Blaming ourselves is more convenient for us as well. It is because if we blame ourselves for their cheating, we can then attempt to rationalize that we had some sort of control of our destiny.

 

When we come to the realization that it was indeed nothing that we did, initially we seem to feel more heartbroken, because in our mind, automatically are crestfallen because we indeed had NO control over our relationship destiny.

 

At the end of the day, cheating is about some from of control. Because their cheating robs us of choices that we should be allowed to make for ourselves, they are able to control the relationship for a time with the lies, and the deceit that is associated with the cheating. And that s what hurts more than anything...that they would go our of their way to lie to u so brazenly when 10 seconds before we were so happy to think that they could be no one's soul mate but ours.

 

So one day, as crappy as you feel right now, you will come to know that their actions and the fallout associated with those actions are owned by them and them alone. It's not our fault.

 

The only thing that is our fault is that we are human and we did what most humans do at one point in their loves, and that's fall in love.

 

Sorry for the long windedness, but I could feel that old familiar pain and hurt coming through the Original Post that I, and many of us here, once had. And if there was any way that my words could alleviate that feeling of helplessness to someone who reads it, even for a few minutes it was worth every word I wrote.

[Dis]

I am so so sorry this is happening to you.

 

A couple of things.....

 

1. Take a deep breath. There are plenty of us here who have survived and thrived after being subjected to infidelity.

 

YOU WILL GET THROUGH THIS.

 

2. Do not feel bad at all for snooping. Your gut told you something was wrong, and lo and behold it was.

 

Those who have nothing to hide, hide nothing. He was just stupid enough to not cover his tracks.

 

3. None and I mean NONE of his cheating has anything to do with you. I know that seems awful to say, but you must understand that he makes these choices knowing full well that there will be consequences to them.

 

He just figured the reward for messing about was much more than the risk he took breaking your heart. He is a broken, selfish Oaf (Bodybuilders usually are). I've never met one who had an IQ larger than my waist size so it was not like you were dating an Einstein.

 

His Instagram shenanigans bear that out.

 

So all that being said......

 

Please do NOT send that letter is you have not done so.

 

Sending a letter like that does nothing for you and totally feeds his ego. It feeds it in that he will take pride that you are heart broken over this, and probably he would make sure to keep it for a moment. when he was not so self assured so he could say to himself. "Look at what I did to her...I still got it. They all want me..."

 

Here is what you do, sweetie.

 

You take that letter and put it away somewhere so one day when this is nothing but a bad memory you will run across it, read it, and then laugh and say "What in the hell was I thinking giving this dweeb? Why did I waste headspace on a Muscle Head Guido that lives with his parents...

 

And Then...

 

You delete him from your life. Go Dark , block him form any and all social media, email, phone numbers...all of it.

 

And don't look back.

 

Grieve what you thought you had for a few days, and then pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and go forward with the knowledge that there are TONS of great guys out there that will treat you the way you deserve.

 

And whatever you do, stay NO CONTACT with this dork no matter what.

 

There is no need for "closure", for it is not only fleeting, but rarely if ever do you get the answers you seek.

 

Closure is a concept that became popular in bad TV moves that have Diane Lane in them...usually in her movies she is either cheating in her lover, or being cheated on...then she has a Eureka moment, the music swells and all is solved in 2 hours as the piano music slowly closes out the final scene before the credits roll.

 

Closure is BullSchnitt.

 

 

 

Run Screaming into the night away from Mama's Boy Pauly D, and forget yo ever knew him.

You'll be fine...you will get through this..and the best way to do it is by making the memory of him like a memory of a Loud fart in Study Hall.

 

Years from now, you'll just remember this guy was a fart in your life...nothing more, nothing less:)

 

This advice is beautiful and spot on

 

As someone who has been cheated on many times by different men...everything posted above it true and it should be followed to a T

 

Really well said Space

[Cobra_X]

I'm unclear. He talked to another girl and then lied to you about it? That's all he did?

 

You don't really explain what kind of conversation he had with her. If I were him reading this message, I would be wondering to myself what you are talking about since you don't reference any particular grievance besides being lied to about watching "stranger things"... which by the way Netflix offers multiple accounts and they don't share histories. Sometimes I will watch something on one account and not the other.

 

I mean did this guy tell the other girl that he wanted to fly to new york and make love to her? This whole thing is just so non specific and confusing that I can't tell if you are just crazy jealous or this guy is a chronic flirt. Either way... it's hard to have instragram sex... so I wouldn't call this cheating without more evidence.

[saradanielle]

He was talking to a girl who he used to know in New York before moving to Florida, he had apparently made out with her right before coming here but nothing came of it. Hes lived here for 5 years now and ive been dating him for 2 years almost. in the past month he was acting just really odd and distant and making time for others and not me and calling me crazy for feeling that way. I went on his instagram (his password is the same for everything so it wasnt that hard to hack) and he had told one person he was talking to that he was single and the girl that he made out with right before coming to florida. The old flame I guess you could call her asked what he was up to and he said that hes sad he missed her while he was in new york in May (he was in new york in may bc he took me there to meet his grand parents and propose, ironically enough). They started sending cute instragram post back and forth privately, then it turned into very intimate post and sexual things they would like to do to eachother. He at one point sent her a post that said "it has always been you, every second, every minute" and what hurt the most is that the day he sent that I was literally laying right next to him in bed. To top it all off the things he sent his two cousins hurt as well. He said he wanted to visit texas where his one cousin lives but he better get laid if he pays for a plane ticket. I was literally rubbing his back and I had brought over dinner after working a freaking 12 hour shift and minding my own business bc i hate being a jealous lover so I try to not look at his phone and trust him, while he is literally giving this girl more attention than I got that whole day. God only knows what they texted each other and snapchatted.

 

I ghosted his ass but he came over to my house and I called him out on it and the craziest excuse came out of his mouth "She was extremely depressed and needed someone to talk to bc she was thinking about comitting suicide apparently" and all i got was I know it was wrong but you just leaving me f****d with my mind worse. He tried to turn it around on me!

[doyathinkso]

He's not even very original is he? That's classic DARVO.

 

DARVO refers to a reaction perpetrators of wrong doing, particularly sexual offenders, may display in response to being held accountable for their behavior. DARVO stands for "Deny, Attack, and Reverse Victim and Offender."

 

 

You know, next time try not to get involved with a bodybuilder. Those dudes and dudettes are just pathetic narcissists. Oooh look at me, I'm just so buff and pretty. It's always and always will be all about them. You're just an accessory.

 

Find a real man, not a plastic doll.

Edited November 10, 2017 by doyathinkso

[Space Ritual]

I ghosted his ass but he came over to my house and I called him out on it and the craziest excuse came out of his mouth "She was extremely depressed and needed someone to talk to bc she was thinking about comitting suicide apparently" and all i got was I know it was wrong but you just leaving me f****d with my mind worse. He tried to turn it around on me!

 

Well then, I'd have said "That's what you get for giving that woman those doses of Testosterone coupled with a shoulder to cry on. They get depressed when they have bigger muscles than you do, buddy. Now get the hell off my porch before I kick you off of it like the kid who kicked sand in your face there, Charles Atlas".

 

I'm dating myself with the Charles Atlas comment but anyone over 50 will probably roll their eyes...lol

[Ahurtgirl]

You're making the best decision by staying strong and walking away. He is a narcissist so he would blame you. Just keep walking and next time you'll know the red flags to watch out for.