Dear Lady Disdain Posted November 4, 2017 Share Posted November 4, 2017 (edited) Dear all, could do with some advice about a workplace situation - there is a senior who I have dealings with in my day to day life, this man actually recommended me to work with him and has sung my praises and given compliments to my management, which was really nice, actually and helpful to me because I am on a contract - he is in a very senior position as well Anyway, one day I bumped into him in the town...and confided to him I wasn't that happy in my role and I would like to do what his team do, he told me of a job he had heard which was coming up and again I thanked him and I went to see the lady about the job - he said if I got it we should go to dinner and celebrate together and I laughed and said " we will! ", because I liked him - he always calls me a good lady, a wonderful lady etc and compliments me to my bosses I emailed a few times and he responded and then he began to phone me more...the lady has not got back to me and he has said he could create a role for me in his department, I thanked him for being kind and laughed and said he could just magic one up, just like that! Anyway we had a bit of rapport, we both work hard with a strong work ethic and then he came up to see me one day and complimented me to my boss again and he said the next day he'd come up again " to see my beautiful face ", I said that's a shame as I was working from home and I said are you sure about this job and he said " I'll do anything for you " He then phoned the next day and said he was thinking about me all night and I said I was at home, thanks for phoning and joked a bit with him and he called me " naughty " - then I saw him again at work and he said to me I was looking well, we discussed the job and he suggested I come and do work experience in his department because otherwise he could get into trouble for letting a pretty young lady in through the back door, I agreed and said I didn't want him to get into trouble, this would be a good plan He said he would speak to me soon...on Friday I just sent an email about a work matter and he responded instantly and he also helped me out with my work which he does not normally do I haven't really known what to say or do that much...I like him, I am a Christian as well and he is religious too and when he found out he said you are a godfearing lady, even better - lol We said we agreed God brings the right person into your life at the right time and discussed divine timing and I said we should just see what happens... He is from another culture in which men are quite dominant and don't usually date white women so I am just a bit anxious about this - though he is very westernised, he is pretty serious as a person normally and highly professional Since we met he seems happier and less serious and stressed - also dressing better etc Does this all sound good to you? Do you think it is all safe and above board? I think I like him but what if I am just being naïve and all of this sounds a bit like he has a hidden agenda...wasn't sure about the " naughty " comment but maybe it was a light hearted joke and I am probably being far too untrusting, please let me know what your feeling would be thank you XXX XXX Edited November 4, 2017 by Dear Lady Disdain Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted November 4, 2017 Share Posted November 4, 2017 What is meant by "senior?" Someone higher up in the company? An actual senior citizen? Just someone older than you and higher up? Is he married? When he called you on your work from home day, he was hoping to get an invitation to come over..... This man clearly is interested in you romantically. Whether or not it's appropriate, not enough information to go on here.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Dear Lady Disdain Posted November 4, 2017 Author Share Posted November 4, 2017 Hello, oh no....he knows he could never come over! He was at work and was working until late He is not married, definitely not! I just mean, he's in a senior position, in management but very humble with it...just rides a bike etc, which I like about him Link to post Share on other sites
Author Dear Lady Disdain Posted November 4, 2017 Author Share Posted November 4, 2017 I think it's all above board, as he is single...:-) Just seems rather too good to be true I guess Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted November 4, 2017 Share Posted November 4, 2017 OK, well, as long as there are no workplace rules against dating, it sounds fine to me (if you're willing to date in the workplace at all), and he sounds interested in you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Dear Lady Disdain Posted November 4, 2017 Author Share Posted November 4, 2017 Bless you and thank you XX good to hear and get your view! Yes we can date actually as we don't directly work with each other yay 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Scarlett.O'hara Posted November 4, 2017 Share Posted November 4, 2017 It sounds like he is attracted to you and wanted to keep you interested by offering to create a role for you, which he inevitably back tracked on because of how it it might appear to others. It was a valid concern, and I would advise you to follow his example and thinking carefully before taking advantage of this personal connection to get a new role. You may not think it will appear that way to others, but if you end up becoming lovers with this man (which sounds very possible), you risk putting both your reputations at risk in doing so. Sorry to kill the romance narrative, but I have seen similar situations play out before, so I thought it was only fair to warn you. If you are heading into this believing you can get a new job and have a relationship with someone in a senior management without any consequences, you might be in for an unpleasant surprise. At the end of the day, it is up to you to decide how to proceed. I would just advise you to think it through carefully. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Dear Lady Disdain Posted November 4, 2017 Author Share Posted November 4, 2017 Thank you Scarlett, yes, I'm pretty happy anyway in the role I'm currently in and neither of us is that bothered about me getting the new role, I think he may have just wanted to help out, as you say, because he liked me Being in a good relationship would matter more to me at this time than securing a new role, I am already in a good job which I do very well I'm glad he mentioned he could get into trouble, it confirmed for me it wasn't some nasty sleazy thing I'm thinking it through very carefully and he is too, thank you Scarlett, it's at least nice to know that he is definitely attracted to me...I've been single a few years, last relationship was a car crash, so this is nice, I'm not as bothered about the job as it happens! X Link to post Share on other sites
Author Dear Lady Disdain Posted November 4, 2017 Author Share Posted November 4, 2017 Plus though it's a nice, romantic idea I can train for the job elsewhere if I need to so that's fine too and I may say well we can still celebrate the job that never happened lol Link to post Share on other sites
Scarlett.O'hara Posted November 4, 2017 Share Posted November 4, 2017 Good, I'm glad you are thinking it through carefully. I just want to clarify that I meant that he is clearly sexually attracted to you, and will want to be intimate with you. Only time will tell if he was interested runs deeper than that. That is why I would be cautious about working with him. The power differential between you and him puts you in a more vulnerable position. Especially if you are starting to develop feelings for him. It can be a difficult balancing act, and it might be better for you to keep your business life and personal separate if that is the case. I hope it all works out. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Dear Lady Disdain Posted November 4, 2017 Author Share Posted November 4, 2017 Thank you, that's what I've been thinking about too, am I strong enough to manage and handle this, I, too, hope it all works out as well...I'm not looking for a casual hook up hopefully that is not all he is after because I would not be interested in that case...but we are both being slow and patient, leaving it in Gods hands which is easiest for me! :-) Xxx Link to post Share on other sites
Author Dear Lady Disdain Posted November 4, 2017 Author Share Posted November 4, 2017 I think I'd rather carry on as we are for now...and see what unfolds Link to post Share on other sites
Author Dear Lady Disdain Posted November 4, 2017 Author Share Posted November 4, 2017 Yep I think it'd be mad to work with him, right now it'd be hard to keep this under wraps in the office, I think both of us would have a hard time focusing on the job! X Link to post Share on other sites
newmoon Posted November 4, 2017 Share Posted November 4, 2017 i don't like it, sorry. it sounds like he's interested in getting into your pants for sure. he gets you a job (which others will see as a result of sex if you date, whether it was or not), he's tossing out compliments after getting you the job, and saying you're godfearing after he learns you're religious? he is getting into your good graces with the job and compliments and looking for the similarities to make you and him seem compatible. i'm not saying you're not, he may be the perfect guy, but i'd investigate him more and exercise caution since it's an on-the-job thing. you're now in his debt for getting you the job and until you have proof he's not playing you i'd be careful. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Dear Lady Disdain Posted November 5, 2017 Author Share Posted November 5, 2017 Hello New Moon please don't be sorry, I have the same misgivings myself and that's why I posted here, luckily I am still in the same job though...! I'm not " beholden " to him yet... There was something fishy about the way he was so keen, encouraging me and pushing to get this job for me I'm keeping an open mind, it may all be innocent, perhaps he does like me and care, he never acted like a player before not until I opened up to him more, he might want a genuine connection, he says things such as " stay strong " etc about the job and doesn't act sleazy at all normally Maybe the compliments are just to make it clear he likes me, as more than a friend He certainly doesn't seem a player type, just rides a bike, no flashy car and works all hours under the sun Being extremely cautious though and don't think I'll get a job with his assistance, feels too sordid and scares me the thought of being in his debt...! As far as I knew at first he just respected my hard work and the job I do, but now its dawning on me there could be more to it I'm open to dating him but not being in his debt...xx 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Dear Lady Disdain Posted November 5, 2017 Author Share Posted November 5, 2017 I will try and convey this to him the next time we speak... Link to post Share on other sites
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jakrbbt Posted November 30, 2017 Share Posted November 30, 2017 (edited) While I'm not against office romances, this story bothered me (not you, OP, just the situation). My general impression is that you, OP, are very reluctant to ever upset anyone, and are very conflict-averse. And that you are willing to rely or depend on someone who presents himself as a person to rely on or depend on, without looking around much for other options. None of these are necessarily bad things, just things to be aware of, if they sound accurate to you anyway. It can be a strength to avoid conflict and to be geared toward small groups of interpersonal dependence and loyalty. But it can lead to pitfalls too. And my impression reading the story was that this man is feeling you out, and going further every time he sees that you're non-confrontational. When he says something possibly not ok, you'll laugh and find some way to accept it rather than let any awkwardness arise. He always takes the lead and you are left to either agree or suffer awkwardness-- there's no one else to ask, no one else participating in the situation, no one else you can check with. (I commend you for going online privately to find some others you can check with; I think maybe you did that because of this aspect of the situation and that it was smart.) I'm not saying he isn't a nice person; I believe you that he is. But very possibly he hasn't learned how to navigate personal and professional relationships in an appropriate or constructive way, and so he has to seek out and rely on more iffy situations, like people willing to do quickly avoid awkwardness before really assessing a situation. I also see nothing in your story to suggest that you would need to depend on this one man even a little for your career advancement. Do you feel you'd fail without him or someone like him pulling out-of-the-ordinary strings? Do you feel particularly disadvantaged, like you need more help than the average person in order to succeed? Is there some reason you would feel that way? I think it's likely you are more competent than you believe. It just bothered me and I wanted to point out what I was perceiving so you could get the benefit of another viewpoint. Best of luck. Edited November 30, 2017 by jakrbbt Link to post Share on other sites
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