Wife wants to separate

[nyclion]

Thanks for your kind words BrokeInside

 

I have started to believe that once you emotionally neglect a woman, they go to the point of no return. And once they are passed it, there is no coming back. Even a loyal wife and mother of your children. And you can work as hard as you want, to provide for the family, it counts for nothing.

 

Somebody wrote about it: Google "The Walkaway Wife Syndrome"

[Marc878]

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/406628-critical-readings-separation-divorce

 

Read up. At this time you need to wake up and protect yourself financially.

 

Hard 180 or you’ll continue to wallow in this.

[BrokeInside]

Thanks for your kind words BrokeInside

 

I have started to believe that once you emotionally neglect a woman, they go to the point of no return. And once they are passed it, there is no coming back. Even a loyal wife and mother of your children. And you can work as hard as you want, to provide for the family, it counts for nothing.

 

Somebody wrote about it: Google "The Walkaway Wife Syndrome"

 

 

Yup, for me it was when she was pregnant of our second child. I was deep depressed, had two works, was very ill and was struggling about what kind of father i will be if i cant even provide for them. I was totally lost and neglect her.

 

Anyway, even if i cant forgive myself for this, you are human, you make mistake and you have to make peace with it.

 

i did got the same feelings, nothing count when she leave, the fact you had children, a family, the fact that you did try hard to construct something.

 

But think twice about it, if she was begging you ? Will you do the same thing to her ? Will you not give her a chance ? it s just that you love her more than she ever loved you.

[BarbedFenceRider]

It reads: " I could tolerate being in your presence before, but now? Why couldn't you do these things back when I tolerated you? BTW...I want you to continue paying for my lifestyle so I can find a CHAD that can give me emotional validation and wild and crazy sex. Thanks....

 

Thats a big NOPE! Sorry you are going through this.

[Just a Guy]

Hi NYClion, how are you doing now? Any movement in your case? An update would be appreciated. Thanks.

[Fair]

Just let her leave and go away and lick your wounds. It's probably a blessing in disguise.

[S2B]

Thanks for your kind words BrokeInside

 

I have started to believe that once you emotionally neglect a woman, they go to the point of no return. And once they are passed it, there is no coming back. Even a loyal wife and mother of your children. And you can work as hard as you want, to provide for the family, it counts for nothing.

 

Somebody wrote about it: Google "The Walkaway Wife Syndrome"

 

It's not any man's job to be my emotional support.

 

It's my job to be that for myself.

 

Anything inadequate in my life is only my own fault.

 

Stop blaming yourself for your wife's deficiencies. She unhealthy and isn't taking responsibility for her own behavior.

[nyclion]

Thanks for checking in, Just a Guy. I would say that things are going a bit better, but overall the outlook is uncertain.

 

I manned up and pulled the 180. Started sleeping in my son's top bunk bed. Stopped asking about the future, just focused on my kids and my own stuff. Exercised more. Bought new clothes. Told her that I was not going to wast my effort trying to change her mind anymore. Signed myself up for individual counselling. Again said that I was not planning to move out. Her ears pricked up after about a week - didn't take long for her to want to understand what was going on.

 

She says now that whereas before she was 100% sure about separating, now she is no longer sure. She is still trying to figure it out and decide what is best for the family. She sees big changes in my priorities: I leave work earlier, prioritize my home life more, get home to read to my kids every night when I am not travelling for work.

 

We are still not healed yet. My individual counsellor is helping me develop strategies and work on myself. My wife harbors a deep well of resentment for the early years where the kids were young and I did not prioritize my family. We still fight but now on average once per week, which is less than before. I get stressed when we are always late for stuff. She can react badly to small things that trigger old feelings. She says that she still feels hopeless for the future, hopeless for us. We were intimate once which was the first time in many months.

 

She sees the change in my priorities. But she needs to see durable change in my ability to connect emotionally with her and put her first.

[Marc878]

As you've found if you chase they move farther away.

 

Don't make that mistake again.

[MJJean]

Did her change of heart happen before or after you started making noise about putting the house on the market? Before or after you canceled the credit cards and informed her she'd be responsible for half the marital debt in the divorce?

 

Maybe I'm a cynic, but I highly suspect she's started to realize the financial implications of divorce, that you won't be paying for her **** during some magical long separation, and that is her motivating factor.

[lolablue17]

Did her change of heart happen before or after you started making noise about putting the house on the market? Before or after you canceled the credit cards and informed her she'd be responsible for half the marital debt in the divorce?

 

Maybe I'm a cynic, but I highly suspect she's started to realize the financial implications of divorce, that you won't be paying for her **** during some magical long separation, and that is her motivating factor.

 

But if that is true, than she would have told him that she wants to reconcil. Letting him think that she is not sure doesn't work for her benefit. For example, he might meet another women and than it's too late for her.

Edited January 12, 2018 by lolablue17

[nyclion]

OP back here! Some major developments... I've caught my wife cheating.

 

Since the last post, things started to get better, calmer. I was going to individual therapy and so was she. We spent time together. But then she started going to salsa lessons on a saturday afternoon, then pretty soon she was hanging out after the salsa class with friends that she made there. This progressed to staying out late and going to salsa dances at the weekend. I offered to go with her but she was not interested.

 

I quickly got suspicious. Coming home late, a few times she stayed past 1am. So I realised that findmyiphone would show her GPS location. Mostly it checked out, but a couple of times I could see some deceit. I was challenging her, saying that I suspected an affair, but she denied it. She must have twigged as she turned off location services on her phone. Also became VERY possessive of her phone.

 

So yesterday I looked at the browsing history on our shared computer and found search terms for bondage, sexual excitement etc from about a week back. So I went full Colombo and downloaded an spy tracker app (I had her apple ID) and VOILA, could read all her whatsapp messages.

 

Conversation threads with FOUR different guys of a sexual/romantic nature. One was R-rated, two were PG-13, and the other PG. Confronted her last night when she arrived home at 2am.

 

Over the course of today she has quickly gone from barefaced lying / denying, through minimizing and blaming, to crying, having a panic attack, and asking for another chance for our relationship. She admitted having a sexual relationship with one of the guys - but she could not deny it given the content of the whatsapp. Says she only slept with him once - I do not believe her. Also says that she did not sleep with the other 3 - again I have very high doubts.

 

I called the guy this morning, told him she was 39 and married ~13yrs with 2 kids, and that if we get divorced I plan on naming him in the court papers (not sure if that is possible but he seemed to get the message). Any how I don't care about him. The worst thing is that in all these whatsapp chains my wife seemed to be the initiator.. pushing a work conversation into something more personal / sexual.

 

Her rationale was that I ignored her too many years, then when I started to try really hard for the relationship it was too late. She wishes that she still has feelings for me, but she can't. She promised never to contact this guy again, and wants us to have more time to figure things out and give a last chance for the kids to make it work. Frankly I don't believe a word coming out of her mouth - she's just scared about being on her own. Also she is scared about me telling all her/our friends.

 

I've reached out to a realtor to value the condo, and also scheduling a meeting with a divorce mediator for Friday.

Any advice here??

[Marc878]

OP back here! Some major developments... I've caught my wife cheating.

 

Since the last post, things started to get better, calmer. I was going to individual therapy and so was she. We spent time together. But then she started going to salsa lessons on a saturday afternoon, then pretty soon she was hanging out after the salsa class with friends that she made there. This progressed to staying out late and going to salsa dances at the weekend. I offered to go with her but she was not interested.

 

I quickly got suspicious. Coming home late, a few times she stayed past 1am. So I realised that findmyiphone would show her GPS location. Mostly it checked out, but a couple of times I could see some deceit. I was challenging her, saying that I suspected an affair, but she denied it. She must have twigged as she turned off location services on her phone. Also became VERY possessive of her phone.

 

So yesterday I looked at the browsing history on our shared computer and found search terms for bondage, sexual excitement etc from about a week back. So I went full Colombo and downloaded an spy tracker app (I had her apple ID) and VOILA, could read all her whatsapp messages.

 

Conversation threads with FOUR different guys of a sexual/romantic nature. One was R-rated, two were PG-13, and the other PG. Confronted her last night when she arrived home at 2am.

 

She's a serial cheater and you only know "the tip of the iceberg".

 

Over the course of today she has quickly gone from barefaced lying / denying, through minimizing and blaming, to crying, having a panic attack, and asking for another chance for our relationship. She admitted having a sexual relationship with one of the guys - but she could not deny it given the content of the whatsapp. Says she only slept with him once - I do not believe her. Also says that she did not sleep with the other 3 - again I have very high doubts.

 

All cheaters lie, hide and deny. You'll only get what you can prove. She's trickle truthing you.

 

I called the guy this morning, told him she was 39 and married ~13yrs with 2 kids, and that if we get divorced I plan on naming him in the court papers (not sure if that is possible but he seemed to get the message). Any how I don't care about him. The worst thing is that in all these whatsapp chains my wife seemed to be the initiator.. pushing a work conversation into something more personal / sexual.

 

Mistake here. You should have informed his wife without warning. Tell her.

Her rationale was that I ignored her too many years, then when I started to try really hard for the relationship it was too late. She wishes that she still has feelings for me, but she can't. She promised never to contact this guy again, and wants us to have more time to figure things out and give a last chance for the kids to make it work. Frankly I don't believe a word coming out of her mouth - she's just scared about being on her own. Also she is scared about me telling all her/our friends.

 

Typical cheaterspeak. You made her have an affair? Nope, she's justifying her actions and now wanting to keep you on the hook as her plan B

I've reached out to a realtor to value the condo, and also scheduling a meeting with a divorce mediator for Friday.

Any advice here??

 

Dump her as fast as possible and get your life back. You've wallowed in this quagmire of infidelity long enough.

 

The only one that can keep you in this is you.

[Marc878]

You sound like you may have codependency issues. See and IC and fix that or you'll be dragging this piano around the block for awhile.

 

She's been cheating all along. She's smarter than most. whatsapp is used a lot by experienced cheaters. Better realize that because she knows you and your weaknesses. Which means she'll be trying to manipulate and play you going forward.

 

Hard 180 if you're smart.

[BluesPower]

OP back here! Some major developments... I've caught my wife cheating.

 

Since the last post, things started to get better, calmer. I was going to individual therapy and so was she. We spent time together. But then she started going to salsa lessons on a saturday afternoon, then pretty soon she was hanging out after the salsa class with friends that she made there. This progressed to staying out late and going to salsa dances at the weekend. I offered to go with her but she was not interested.

 

I quickly got suspicious. Coming home late, a few times she stayed past 1am. So I realised that findmyiphone would show her GPS location. Mostly it checked out, but a couple of times I could see some deceit. I was challenging her, saying that I suspected an affair, but she denied it. She must have twigged as she turned off location services on her phone. Also became VERY possessive of her phone.

 

So yesterday I looked at the browsing history on our shared computer and found search terms for bondage, sexual excitement etc from about a week back. So I went full Colombo and downloaded an spy tracker app (I had her apple ID) and VOILA, could read all her whatsapp messages.

 

Conversation threads with FOUR different guys of a sexual/romantic nature. One was R-rated, two were PG-13, and the other PG. Confronted her last night when she arrived home at 2am.

 

Over the course of today she has quickly gone from barefaced lying / denying, through minimizing and blaming, to crying, having a panic attack, and asking for another chance for our relationship. She admitted having a sexual relationship with one of the guys - but she could not deny it given the content of the whatsapp. Says she only slept with him once - I do not believe her. Also says that she did not sleep with the other 3 - again I have very high doubts.

 

I called the guy this morning, told him she was 39 and married ~13yrs with 2 kids, and that if we get divorced I plan on naming him in the court papers (not sure if that is possible but he seemed to get the message). Any how I don't care about him. The worst thing is that in all these whatsapp chains my wife seemed to be the initiator.. pushing a work conversation into something more personal / sexual.

 

Her rationale was that I ignored her too many years, then when I started to try really hard for the relationship it was too late. She wishes that she still has feelings for me, but she can't. She promised never to contact this guy again, and wants us to have more time to figure things out and give a last chance for the kids to make it work. Frankly I don't believe a word coming out of her mouth - she's just scared about being on her own. Also she is scared about me telling all her/our friends.

 

I've reached out to a realtor to value the condo, and also scheduling a meeting with a divorce mediator for Friday.

Any advice here??

 

Well, you are number 1,000,001 LS member... that has come back to tell us your wife was cheating. Congratulations.

 

When will people start to believe that we know what we are talking about when we tell you guys that she is cheating.

 

BTW, you caught the latest affair not the one she was in when you first posted.

 

So what is next for you??? You should divorce her like yesterday but you will probably be a weak man and give her another chance, but you should not. Now you know what you are married to...

[Marc878]

Your wife has told you and now shown you she doesn't love you. You should believe her.

 

Now she wants to work it out for the kids? Nope. She wants the comfortable life but will continue to have sexual affairs. She a cake eater. She only wants you for your checkbook.

 

Do not jump into marriage counseling. It's only to keep you on for her comfortable life. Nothing in it for you.

 

If you think all of a sudden she'll wake up and be the woman you've always wanted you're naive.

 

You are the one that should now awaken and livin the reality of what you have

[Marc878]

Oh, get an STD test. You have no idea where her other man has been.

 

He could be screwing hookers, etc.

[PegNosePete]

Now she wants to work it out for the kids? Nope. She wants the comfortable life but will continue to have sexual affairs. She a cake eater. She only wants you for your checkbook.

Exactly! She has proved that she is much more skilled at lying and cheating than most. Should you give her another chance? Hell no!

 

She wants to "work on the marriage" while putting her ducks in a line, building up a nest egg off the radar, getting as much legal advice as she can, putting herself in the best possible position for the divorce that she knows is coming. She is playing you like a cheap violin. Staying for the kids means you'll be funding her lifestyle while she is off with other guys.

 

What you should do now:

- Re-read the advice the lawyer gave you back on page 1 of this thread

- File for divorce

- Forget about "divorce mediator" and use a proper divorce lawyer

- Tell her that tomorrow you will be filing for divorce

- Tell her that you won't be moving out until the finances of your marriage are resolved

[salparadise]

 

Over the course of today she has quickly gone from barefaced lying / denying, through minimizing and blaming, to crying, having a panic attack, and asking for another chance for our relationship. She admitted having a sexual relationship with one of the guys - but she could not deny it given the content of the whatsapp. Says she only slept with him once - I do not believe her. Also says that she did not sleep with the other 3 - again I have very high doubts.

 

She is only going to admit the part that is undeniable. But it doesn't really matter now... you know what she's done, what she's capable of, what she's made of.

 

The worst thing is that in all these whatsapp chains my wife seemed to be the initiator.. pushing a work conversation into something more personal / sexual.

 

Her rationale was that I ignored her too many years, then when I started to try really hard for the relationship it was too late.

 

Of course she's blaming it all on you! If she can get you to buy into that narrative (even just a little) then she can continue banging those other men and at the same time taking no responsibility and thinking of herself as pure as the driven snow... the victim.

 

This is what you've been dealing with all along, you just couldn't see it because of your love and dedication. She's a manipulating mindphukk.

 

I'm sorry that you're going through this. Cheating puts it into a new dimension for you emotionally, but hopefully it will give you the volition to put yourself first, start a new life, and let her deal with the consequences of her actions. And part of that is to NOT aid and abet her in keeping her dirty little secret while she promotes the narrative about it being all your fault.

 

It's a tough place to be right now, but it will get better as you keep moving forward. I'm glad you've been in IC. I hope you also have some good male friends and family that you can depend on for support. Good luck with it all.

[road]

Yes WW's only admit to what their BH can prove. She has been

cheating before the first MC visit.

[BluEyeL]

I’m sorry this happened to you. I think you should file for divorce but if you could possibly hide some money first do it. My husband hasan exwife who stayed home and she absolutely cleaned him in the divorce. Years later she still has no Jonah’s is living off of the alimony/maintenance.

 

The law is absolutely screwed up for this day and time , the person who is working gets punished and the lazies get encouraged to continue to be parasites. It’s not like we are 100 yrs ago when women couldn’t work and had no other options. But until the laws get updated to the 21st century you need to be very careful how to save as much as you possibly could.

 

No matter how much you’ll lose financially, on the long term it’s worth it . And yes next time don’t neglect your partner emotionally and also don’t marry someone who doesn’t work.

[JuneL]

Personally, as a woman, I’ve always been financially independent (and have helped support my parents financially). However, there are plenty of men who would very much prefer to have a stay-at-home wife and who are capable of being the sole provider. I see nothing wrong with that; it’s their preference and their choice. However, if you choose that, either get a prenup or make peace with the fact that you have to pay alimony. Sorry for the digression.

 

I’m sorry this happened to you. I think you should file for divorce but if you could possibly hide some money first do it. My husband hasan exwife who stayed home and she absolutely cleaned him in the divorce. Years later she still has no Jonah’s is living off of the alimony/maintenance.

 

The law is absolutely screwed up for this day and time , the person who is working gets punished and the lazies get encouraged to continue to be parasites. It’s not like we are 100 yrs ago when women couldn’t work and had no other options. But until the laws get updated to the 21st century you need to be very careful how to save as much as you possibly could.

 

No matter how much you’ll lose financially, on the long term it’s worth it . And yes next time don’t neglect your partner emotionally and also don’t marry someone who doesn’t work.

[standtall]

Your wife has checked out of your marriage...you should too.

[BluEyeL]

Personally, as a woman, I’ve always been financially independent (and have helped support my parents financially). However, there are plenty of men who would very much prefer to have a stay-at-home wife and who are capable of being the sole provider. I see nothing wrong with that; it’s their preference and their choice. However, if you choose that, either get a prenup or make peace with the fact that you have to pay alimony. Sorry for the digression.

 

I completely agree.

[S2B]

Ya - big deal - she's cheating, she's been cheating!

 

Now... what do YOU plan to do about it? Because you sure haven't laid down anything yet that is a consequence for her to either stop or know that you are divorcing her?

 

Do something to take hold of YOUR life! You want to live with a known cheater (who tries to blame you even) or you want to get rid of this cancer ruining your life?