Wife wants to separate

[Just a Guy]

Wow S2B, sometimes I wonder if you're a woman or a man when I read your posts! I guess you know how to call a spade a spade and use your language skills to great advantage to drive home your point. I have to say that bitter as your pills are to swallow, they have an undeniable ring of truth to them and whoever they are directed towards would do well to take them to heart.

 

Nyclion, the ball is well and truly in your court now. There are no more ambiguities,, grey areas or doubts to be resolved. You either man up and take decisive action or take the lion out of your moniker and replace it with p...y because then you can reconcile any thing that you do then, to go with your moniker. You have been given excellent advice by the collective group wisdom on this forum. It is now up to you to do something about it. Warm wishes.

Edited February 27, 2018 by Just a Guy

[S2B]

Sorry - I'm a woman... I just call it as I know it. You could say I've seen a lot in my years. People follow patterns - and cheaters are predictable, selfish people.

[Just a Guy]

Hi S2B, exactly what I had in mind. By the way, I know you're a woman from the many posts I've read. It is remarkable how your candour comes through in your posts. I respect that. Good for you and keep that up. Warm wishes.

[nyclion]

So, after interrogating my wife a few times, she admits she has cheated on me with the following. I saw the whatsapp chat conversation for each one.

1. A one-night stand in August when she was abroad visiting her mum (foreign cellphone number on the whatsapp so this checks out)

2. A one-night stand with an ex-boyfriend from 17 years ago who she met for dinner when she was abroad in a different country for a conference in November (cellphone number for another foreign country on the whastapp, so this checks out also)

3. Recent affair with a guy she met salsa dancing. She said she met up with him 5-6 times over the last month or so, and slept with him twice. This broadly checks out based on when she was late home from the salsa class. This is the dude I called and spoke to last weekend.

 

She swears that there was nobody else. I am not sure what to believe. Perhaps there was another affair last year, but I never got the sense at the time. For the recent affair, it was so obvious, I knew something was up when she started staying out late. I was even accusing her of an affair before I found the messages. It was never like that before.

 

So I have kicked her out our bedroom and she is sleeping in the top bunk in my son's room. I also went to see a divorce lawyer for a free consultation which was very helpful (I already spoke to different lawyer last year).

 

I actually don't feel upset about any of this now. I realized that I already grieved this relationship last year when she said that she didn't love me and wanted a separation. And the last 3 months I have been trying so hard on the relationship and she has been not reciprocating. That wore me down and already exhausted the last emotions that I had. So I am calm. I haven't been upset.

 

Now the weird thing is my wife is pleading with me to try again. She is crying every morning and every night. She is having panic attacks. Her psychiatrist had to put her on some type of tranquilizer on top of the anti-depressants that she is already taking. She is texting me long messages about why we should try again. The kids are asking why is mom crying all the time. Her eyes are always puffy and she cannot do anything.

 

I emailed the realtor to come value the condo so we could prepare for a sale. My wife emailed the realtor back and told her not to come because we didn't need it.

 

I contacted a divorce mediator and got some times for an appointment. My wife said no because she thinks we should try again.

 

She says that she looked for attention elsewhere because I had not been emotionally connected to her for many years. But being caught/confronted made her realize that she loves me and wants to fight for the relationship. She thinks if we both put in effort at the same time then it could work (rather than just one of us trying and the other not, which is how it has always been the cycle in the past). According to her, she feels terrible and ashamed about what she has done. But now she realizes that she still has love for me.

 

My children are my world - she knows how to pull my heart strings and say that it is the best for the children to stay together.

 

In November she had asked me to move out and separate. Now I talk about divorce and she pleads no. This does not make sense to me. She is fighting me on it.

 

I told her that she will be taken care of financially and would not fight her on alimony. And that I would not fight her on majority custody of the kids. I need to travel a lot for work so would aim to have them about 1/3 of the time with me if we divorce. I even offered to try to figure out some creative solution where she stays in the apartment with the kids for a few years, so we don't need to unsettle them, but she is not interested.

 

Even so she keeps pleading with me, saying that now she realizes that she still has feelings for me. She showed me an email that the OM had sent her today, to check on her. She is offering me full transparency on her phone - email, text, whatsapp, everything.

 

She seems genuine (or like a great actress). She says that she may have lied about the things she was doing, but she has never lied before about her feelings. However it smells like ballsheet, because if I hadn't caught her then she'd probably be lying and going out with him again tonight. Also I suspect at least part of this is, she does not want to ruin her image with the kids /mutual friends / community finding out.

 

Is this normal reaction for cheating women when they are caught? Do they just lie to keep the husband? They realize what they are going to lose? It is possible that the shock of discovery could really bring them back to their senses? Or do they just start cheating again after 3, 6 months or whatever timeframe when the relationship starts failing again? Does true remorse exist and what does true remorse really look like?

[BluesPower]

So, after interrogating my wife a few times, she admits she has cheated on me with the following. I saw the whatsapp chat conversation for each one.

1. A one-night stand in August when she was abroad visiting her mum (foreign cellphone number on the whatsapp so this checks out)

2. A one-night stand with an ex-boyfriend from 17 years ago who she met for dinner when she was abroad in a different country for a conference in November (cellphone number for another foreign country on the whastapp, so this checks out also)

3. Recent affair with a guy she met salsa dancing. She said she met up with him 5-6 times over the last month or so, and slept with him twice. This broadly checks out based on when she was late home from the salsa class. This is the dude I called and spoke to last weekend.

 

She swears that there was nobody else. I am not sure what to believe. Perhaps there was another affair last year, but I never got the sense at the time. For the recent affair, it was so obvious, I knew something was up when she started staying out late. I was even accusing her of an affair before I found the messages. It was never like that before.

 

So I have kicked her out our bedroom and she is sleeping in the top bunk in my son's room. I also went to see a divorce lawyer for a free consultation which was very helpful (I already spoke to different lawyer last year).

 

I actually don't feel upset about any of this now. I realized that I already grieved this relationship last year when she said that she didn't love me and wanted a separation. And the last 3 months I have been trying so hard on the relationship and she has been not reciprocating. That wore me down and already exhausted the last emotions that I had. So I am calm. I haven't been upset.

 

Now the weird thing is my wife is pleading with me to try again. She is crying every morning and every night. She is having panic attacks. Her psychiatrist had to put her on some type of tranquilizer on top of the anti-depressants that she is already taking. She is texting me long messages about why we should try again. The kids are asking why is mom crying all the time. Her eyes are always puffy and she cannot do anything.

 

I emailed the realtor to come value the condo so we could prepare for a sale. My wife emailed the realtor back and told her not to come because we didn't need it.

 

I contacted a divorce mediator and got some times for an appointment. My wife said no because she thinks we should try again.

 

She says that she looked for attention elsewhere because I had not been emotionally connected to her for many years. But being caught/confronted made her realize that she loves me and wants to fight for the relationship. She thinks if we both put in effort at the same time then it could work (rather than just one of us trying and the other not, which is how it has always been the cycle in the past). According to her, she feels terrible and ashamed about what she has done. But now she realizes that she still has love for me.

 

My children are my world - she knows how to pull my heart strings and say that it is the best for the children to stay together.

 

In November she had asked me to move out and separate. Now I talk about divorce and she pleads no. This does not make sense to me. She is fighting me on it.

 

I told her that she will be taken care of financially and would not fight her on alimony. And that I would not fight her on majority custody of the kids. I need to travel a lot for work so would aim to have them about 1/3 of the time with me if we divorce. I even offered to try to figure out some creative solution where she stays in the apartment with the kids for a few years, so we don't need to unsettle them, but she is not interested.

 

Even so she keeps pleading with me, saying that now she realizes that she still has feelings for me. She showed me an email that the OM had sent her today, to check on her. She is offering me full transparency on her phone - email, text, whatsapp, everything.

 

She seems genuine (or like a great actress). She says that she may have lied about the things she was doing, but she has never lied before about her feelings. However it smells like ballsheet, because if I hadn't caught her then she'd probably be lying and going out with him again tonight. Also I suspect at least part of this is, she does not want to ruin her image with the kids /mutual friends / community finding out.

 

Is this normal reaction for cheating women when they are caught? Do they just lie to keep the husband? They realize what they are going to lose? It is possible that the shock of discovery could really bring them back to their senses? Or do they just start cheating again after 3, 6 months or whatever timeframe when the relationship starts failing again? Does true remorse exist and what does true remorse really look like?

 

It is exactly what they all do... it is actually a text book response.

 

So Bingo on your last paragraph.

 

So like we all said, when you started this thread, when she wanted to separate there was another guy the she wanted to be with.

 

Does that time frame coincide with anything you have found so far? And I mean as far as affairs, not one night stands???

 

So, Rule number one: They only confess to what you can prove at the time. So you can PROVE these THREE GUYS!!!!! How many others has there been that you cannot see on her phone? 5, 6, 15???? Who knows.

 

Rule number 2: They are and cannot be remorseful at this point in time. Remorse, is something that you don't even understand yet, and there is no way that she even has a concept.

 

No, she is not remorseful, what she is... is still a lying cheater, that has absolutely zero respect for you, and absolutely zero love.

 

Right now, you are seeing panic mode. You see no matter how much you think you will take care of her, after the divorce, there is no way that her lifestyle will be the same after the divorce, that is what she fears.

 

She also fears the public humiliation of having her affairs exposed.

 

Is the salsa guy married? Cause if he is his wife should know.

 

So, how long do you think it will take for her to start sleeping around again?

 

If you really want to know how deep this goes, schedule a polygraph, and don't tell he about it. Then, you show up and tell he that you are taking her to eat or what ever. When you get to the parking lot, then you tell her she is about to take a poly to see if she has told the truth.

 

THEN you will get a further confession more than likely. Then make her take the test anyway. That will give you some more information.

 

I say divorce but that is your decision.

 

Oh and blaming you for her cheating is also a standard move. When she say that YOU were not emotionally connected, that is her justifying her affairs. What is actually happening with her is right out of the cheater had book. Blame you, cry a lot, throw you off the scent, and then get right back in the game.

 

There is a lot more to know about what she has been up to.

 

So what do you want to do???

[DKT3]

My theory is only women who feel they are in control of the marriage will cheat. Being found out in most cases means they lose control. So, by using that theory I would say your wife is looking to regain some control.

 

However, there is a chance that she really has snapped out of it upon being found out, it does happen.

 

One thing I'm confident in, proceed with the divorce, in doing so her real intentions will reveal themselves in her actions going forward. Offer no soft landing (other than the ones you have already).

[Popsicle]

Well it doesn't sound like you're in love with her anymore either. Really.

 

And as much as you'd love to stick it to her financially, that simply is not going to happen. She will have to downgrade her lifestyle a little bit and start working, but she's not going to be penniless like you're salivating for her to be. She will be fine and YOU will be fine too.

 

I hope you find peace and happiness in the near future.

[Popsicle]

Oh, so she's been cheating. Tisk tisk.

 

Well, personally, I think it's just as damaging to a marriage for a husband to cut off the emotions (be it due to work or whatever he throws out) as cheating. You men can ignore it, deny it, say it's not important, downplay it, whine about it or pitch a fit all you want but it's the truth. It's just as important as sex. Just trying to educate you brutes.

 

Since I think you both have committed wrong and are pretty much on even keel in terms of hurting each other, I think you can try to reconcile and turn your marriage around, and maybe even be something great, but you both have to first accept that you had a part in the deterioration before you can move to the next step. It doesn't sound like either of you are there yet, and will probably just go out guns ablazing and stomping on hearts.

 

No one usually wins like this but one thing's for sure - you will successfully divorce.

[Marc878]

She's a random serial cheater. She's woke up to reality. Her tears are for herself not you. She doesn't want her cake taken away.

 

Her cheating is your fault is the age old cheater script. Nothing more.

 

Dump her fast

[MidlifeMama]

He said, she said. She cheated (a lot)..it's all out there now.

 

She is sorry, take her apology. I say this because she may be sincere and you will be able to forgive (later) and know there was love for you. She may very well feel very bad and realize her life has crashed and what she is actually missing.

 

Look at your role in the marriage. I'm not saying it gives her a pass to do what she did, I am saying you will not be able to come to terms with some things if you walk away only blaming her and looking at her as a cheater.

 

Your kids mean the world to you, and remember that is THEIR MOTHER. That to me says you need to try to come to terms with some things before playing the blame game because it doesn't sound like you're angry enough yet, but just wait.

 

I think she is saying all the things you wanted a little too late and maybe all the things she wanted you to give her are also a little too late?

 

If the marriage is going another round to try, it's going to be quite brutal, I think. If things haven't really hit yet, they will if you guys start trying again. You have to look ahead how that will look and feel. Will you be able to not see the cheating in your head if you stay and sleep with her again? That will always be there. I guess many couples can work through that but it has to be very difficult to do.

 

After everything, are you willing to be someone she needed before, now?

If the answer is yes, go for it, work your butts off to try. If you are uncertain, then get the divorce. Do not allow her mental manipulation to sway you. Be as matter of fact and protect your kids as best you can, but stop allowing her emotions to rule you. Serve her, move out.

[Marc878]

You only know the “tip of the iceberg”

[BluesPower]

He said, she said. She cheated (a lot)..it's all out there now.

 

She is sorry, take her apology. I say this because she may be sincere and you will be able to forgive (later) and know there was love for you. She may very well feel very bad and realize her life has crashed and what she is actually missing.

 

Look at your role in the marriage. I'm not saying it gives her a pass to do what she did, I am saying you will not be able to come to terms with some things if you walk away only blaming her and looking at her as a cheater.

 

Your kids mean the world to you, and remember that is THEIR MOTHER. That to me says you need to try to come to terms with some things before playing the blame game because it doesn't sound like you're angry enough yet, but just wait.

 

I think she is saying all the things you wanted a little too late and maybe all the things she wanted you to give her are also a little too late?

 

If the marriage is going another round to try, it's going to be quite brutal, I think. If things haven't really hit yet, they will if you guys start trying again. You have to look ahead how that will look and feel. Will you be able to not see the cheating in your head if you stay and sleep with her again? That will always be there. I guess many couples can work through that but it has to be very difficult to do.

 

After everything, are you willing to be someone she needed before, now?

If the answer is yes, go for it, work your butts off to try. If you are uncertain, then get the divorce. Do not allow her mental manipulation to sway you. Be as matter of fact and protect your kids as best you can, but stop allowing her emotions to rule you. Serve her, move out.

 

MM, I just have to disagree...

 

Some men can get past a level of cheating. But really, she has been cheating for a long time.

 

And her reaction to getting CAUGHT, is the standard cheaters reaction.

 

This man, the OP, has buried his head in the sand for too, too long.

 

You know, if he was denying her sex, or being abusive, maybe he could understand. But this is not the case here. She has no attraction and absolutely no respect for him based on her behavior.

 

She is still lying to him even now, as she only admitted to what he could prove at the time.

 

Would you respect a man, or have any attraction to him, if he took her back after this level of cheating and lying.

 

From all indications, he was a loving, albeit too loving and blind, husband that was there for all aspects of the relationship.

 

Maybe she lost attraction because he was a weak man at the time, if so she could have ended the relationship like anyone should do in that situation, but she did not take the high road.

 

No, he needs to divorce her and try to build a new life...

[S2B]

Why are t you mad she also roadblocking the realtor?

 

If you want out of the marriage and the house she should not be disrespecting you even further!

 

 

Remind her she did this - she caused it!

 

 

 

I don't think she thinks you'll end the marriage - she believes she can manipulate you back into submission again... when do you plan to file for divorce? I don't think she will believe you until you do that.

[PegNosePete]

Is this normal reaction for cheating women when they are caught?

Why on earth are you sitting there wondering what is normal and what is not for a cheating spouse?

 

I'll tell you what is normal for a man who discovers his wife has had multiple affairs: you see a lawyer and you file for divorce. And you stop wondering whether the fluff coming from her mouth is "normal" or not because it matters not one iota. All that matters now is getting rid of a cheating wife from your life as quickly and efficiently as possible.

 

It is possible that the shock of discovery could really bring them back to their senses?

Senses? She is totally in her senses. She knows exactly what she is doing. She has done it multiple times after all. If she was not in her senses then it might have been just one, right? But 3 guys... that you know of? And believe me, there are many, many more.

 

Or do they just start cheating again after 3, 6 months or whatever timeframe when the relationship starts failing again?

The best indicator of future performance, is past performance. She has cheated 3 times (that you know of). Do you really believe there won't be a #4? If you believe that then I have a bridge to sell you.

 

Does true remorse exist and what does true remorse really look like?

It looks like "oh no what a horrible mistake I've made, I'll never do it again".

 

But she did it again. And again. And again. And again.

(And again and again that you don't know about yet)

 

True remorse does exist but it doesn't look anything like this.

[Just a Guy]

Hi nyclion,, so what are you going to do now? Your wife's infidelity is now well established and folks on here were right when they said she had been cheating way back when. Her problems are now not your problems. Let her face the reality of a life with less rather than with more. Her picnic should now be over and she should be getting ready to deal with the brass tacks of her situation. You should be filing for divorce and having her served. You are now responsible only for your children and yoursrf now so get cracking. Warm wishes.

[kenpatric]

It is all about a passion to anticipate each other over years that keeps a marriage going on. Once that passion is lost, everything is lost. You may have missed seeing that your wife is losing her interest in you. The warmth and delight you used to enjoy being around her, is no more there.