Rethinking my position on premarital sex

[YogaMan]

Hi. I’m new here. I’m trying to get some opinions from more experienced people concerning an issue that I’ve been thinking about a lot lately.

 

The issue is premarital sex. As a christian, historically my position on this has basically been that it’s probably a better idea to wait till your married to have sex, but I’ve never been really strict about it. To me, that would be unrealistic. But I’ve always thought it was the safer bet - a laudable goal, but not necessarily a big deal either way. I mean, if you’re really in love, to me it doesn’t matter. But waiting until marriage can help show whether you’re really in love or not, and shows the relationship is stable and not just about sex, so it’s probably the way to go, if you can.

 

My gf, who I met at my church, is a little stricter about it. She thinks it’s definitely not christian to have sex before you’re married, and she’s basically a virgin.

 

When I first started dating her, I was very attracted by this. I’m very possessive and jealous, and old-fashioned, and I’ve always strongly preferred virgins for this reason. In fact, at one time I said I would only date virgins. I like knowing I will be the only one to have sex with them, and I feel they are obviously more trustworthy. I could never trust a girl who’s ‘been around’, and I wouldn’t really feel comfortable knowing they had already been with a bunch of guys. I’d feel like I was dealing with damaged, or at least used, goods. I know that’s old school and some might even say ‘chauvinistic’, but that is just how I am.

 

Not to mention my gf is really beautiful and attractive, and turns heads everywhere she goes. Combine that with my extremely jealous nature, and I don’t think I would have even dated her in the first place unless she was a virgin and waiting to have sex. There’s no way I could handle all the worrying about possible cheating. I would literally go crazy.

 

So I always felt I had the ultimate gf. Pretty, sexy, and intelligent, and yet also conservative, religious, innocent, and trustworthy. And she’s never even consummated the act with anyone else! I’ve honestly always thought I have the perfect gf, and all my friends think so too.

 

The problem is that one day she said something that made me really wonder about all of this for the first time. She was telling me about how she tried to have sex with a friend of hers about a year before we met. They were just friends, but they experimented a few times when they were really drunk. She said she tried to have sex with him a few times, but she didn’t like it. She said each time only lasted several seconds, then she made him stop. She said that after that, she knew they weren’t compatible, so she told him she just wanted to remain friends. Then she went on for awhile about how you have to be physically, emotionally, sexually, and spiritually connected to have a successful relationship. All 4.

 

At the time I didn’t really focus on her comments. but a few days later I started thinking about them. I had always just assumed we were sexually compatible. We do about everything but actual sex, and we’ve both learned what each other like. We seem to click ‘sexually’, although we’ve only done foreplay. And perhaps having your typical male ego, I always just assumed the sex would be great for both of us, and I sort of just assumed that this guy was probably a douche bag who didn’t know what he was doing.

 

But in thinking about what she said, I began to wonder. I mean, we haven’t actually had intercourse yet, and I’m also a virgin. Maybe it was her and not this guy? Maybe she won’t like the sex with me, or maybe I won’t like it with her? Then what? According to her, and I share this view, all 4 are important. And she ‘dumped’ this guy right afterwards. What if the same thing happened with us?

 

So now I’m thinking that perhaps it’s a bad idea to wait. I mean, we’re talking about a lifelong commitment here. Isn’t it dangerous to not make sure you’re compatible sexually before making such a commitment? I’m just thinking that it really doesn’t make sense to just assume everything will work out in this area before committing your life to someone, regardless of what the bible says or what the church teaches.

 

What do you guys think about this? And what exactly should I say to my gf? I’m afraid she’ll think I just want to have sex, which is not true. I’m satisfied with the relationship as is. The foreplay satisfies me for now. I’m only concerned that honestly, it might be a bad idea. I’m thinking that times have changed a lot since the bible days, and perhaps waiting until marriage is really not applicable to modern society.

 

What are your opinions on this? And how do you think I should approach this with my gf so she doesn’t falsely read my intentions?