Perceptions on Separation

[Mysterio]

So whats your perception on Seperation as whole. What can you do vs What you cannot do?

 

 

For me. Even though I am single. If I was Married and my wife said she wanted to separate. We are either going to live apart and re-court each other. Or we go straight to divorce. No dating anyone while we are seperated. No exceptions.

 

Once the paper work and court date are set going to divorce. Thats fine. Either party can Divorce.

 

What do you all think?

[BarbedFenceRider]

I've thought about this since joining LS. And I agree, if you are legally married, there is no other relationships, lest it be infidelity. But, I am really thinking the whole "re-court" thing is an anathema to me. If a marriage goes the way of separation, what is there to re-court? To me, when either side of injured parties separate. It is to prepare themselves for being single. I just don't understand that separating, what was supposed to be wholesome and one, ends up doing anything good. Of course for me, this is unexplored territory and wouldn't wish it upon anyone. I am a guy that likes to see where I am walking. Being in the dark is a sure way to fall down and get hurt....

[road]

Some Facts:

 

When separated spouses are free to date and not be

guilty of adultery.

 

Being separated does nothing to fix the marriage.

 

The person asking for the separation is quite often taking

the indirect approach to ending the relationship. Though

not always.

 

When a wife asks for a separation it is due to ninety nine

percent of the time that she is having an affair and having

a husband/BH is cramping her style. She wants the BH put

into storage as her back up plan in case her romping with

the OM 24/7 is not all that she thought it would be.

 

So she goes back to her BH. And, if her BH finds out about

the OM and claims WW had an affair the WW counter claims

it was not an affair for they were separated.

 

Then when the BH can find out the affair started before the

separation the WW will claim/lie that it was not a PA before

the separation.

 

Married people do not date others.

 

Being separated still means that you are married.

 

Which brings us back to that married people do not date

others until they are divorced.

[jjgitties]

my understand on this is you need to get separated first before you can divorce. i guess its the courts way of curbing too many couples who get into fights and wanting to divorce off the bat. my understanding is before you can divorce you need to show that you really mean it. so you need to be separated for about 12 months. during separation you could do whatever you want as you are not living or sleeping with your spouse. but given that you are trying to get over a bad marriage and re-find yourself and find how you can move on with your life, i would think mature people should be able to control their animal instincts and be able to hang in for 12 months before the divorce papers are through. thats what i would do anyways. i would not want to get into a relationship or sleep with someone before my divorce is through and i am ready to move on with my life.

[RecentChange]

Either we fight to save it as a couple, or we go out separate ways.

 

I have never understood moving out then trying to fix things.

 

If we can't sleep in the same bed every night, I think things are probably over.

[RecentChange]

my understand on this is you need to get separated first before you can divorce. i guess its the courts way of curbing too many couples who get into fights and wanting to divorce off the bat. my understanding is before you can divorce you need to show that you really mean it. so you need to be separated for about 12 months. .

 

It varies by state. California for instance has no such requirement.

[basil67]

Where I live, you need to be separated for a year before you can divorce.

 

My experience: when I separated from my ex-h, I hit the ground running. I ended up meeting and moving in with my now partner of 25 years while still technically married.

 

The fact that I was still married did not concern me one bit. My new partner wasn't worried either. No way was I going to miss out on a year of fun because of a bit of paper.

[Mysterio]

The way that I see it. Its almost feels like everyone in the world feels that if you don't get into a Romantic Relationship right away. You may lose your chance of ever having one.

 

No one can take one yr off from relationship to relationship. Its like break up and find another one right away.

 

Once again. Its like why even commit to anyone. Just have fun with no strings attached. I don't understand why date while your seprated. If it was me. Unless I am at month 10 an the papers are going to be filled at the on yr mark of seperation. Why bother dating. I know that if I met a woman that was seperating from her husband. I would be very weary of getting involved with her. No bio kids or living together between us, until the Divorce is final or at least officially on the court dockets.

 

I guess I am different.

[RecentChange]

Eh... Some people monkey branch from one long term thing to another....

 

But there is also casual dating. Sometimes it's nothing more than friendship and sex.

 

Personally, I wouldn't ever want to go a year without sex.

[Mysterio]

I have been single since 2012. My thing is that I don't see women that gung ho about getting their needs met. My buddy S broke up with his wife in Jan 2017. He has a new GF now. I can't imagine his wife starving for sex. The guy that gets her is going to have to court her. This is after being with S for 29 yrs. With 19 of them being married.

[basil67]

The way that I see it. Its almost feels like everyone in the world feels that if you don't get into a Romantic Relationship right away. You may lose your chance of ever having one.

 

No one can take one yr off from relationship to relationship. Its like break up and find another one right away.

 

For what it's worth, I wasn't looking for a relationship. My now partner started out as a one night stand. But he turned out to be a great guy who was interested in a relationship, and I'm not one to pass on something good.

[Tonofbricks]

My exwife and I separated late in summer and by December already had Christmas cards with OM and all 4 kids combined to mail out. This is on top of "together" social media posts.. I don't know because I don't look. She specifically put in a "dating" clause in some googled agreement for us to use as a separation. That's when I told her to get the he// out. Divorce was final on a Friday and she announced an engagement on Saturday. That's just looney af to me.

[Mysterio]

Ton. Your Ex has been planning this for a while. You just caught on to it. Accept the Divorce. Take the rest of this yr off from love/dating and begin anew Next year.

[beatcuff]

So whats your perception on Separation as whole....What do you all think?

it depends on when you started and the length: if you married/dated exclusively at a young age (high school/college), the kids are in (or are about to enter) college and (obviously then) you have been together for 18+ years --- it makes more sense for a stale/troubled relationship to separate for a period of time to find one self as more than likely both of you have been 'parents' and not 'lovers'. so a break then re-courting can reinvigorate a stale marriage. many of us (inadvertently) do the same: i am in weekly golf league and coach ice hockey for a high school team. during these hours i think of nothing but the task at hand: some 'me time'. this also means having separate friends (a/k/a girls night out) is a good thing.

 

but as you reduce the years it becomes more obvious the one suggesting it is preparing the other for D.

[Mysterio]

With today's world. I can't imagine having a one night stand with any woman. She would have to be someone I am aquinted with somehow. Not some woman I met at a bar. I don't care how great looking she is.

 

So a woman at the Gym or my work and that woman would have to pour on the charm. Even then. If a woman wants to get me into bed. She is going to have to work for it.

[RecentChange]

What is it about "today's world" verses the past that makes a one night stand not an option?

 

I joke about how I thought my now husband was going to be a one night stand. I wasn't looking for a relationship, he was moving 500 miles away in a few weeks....

 

But what can I say, the sex was great, we hit it off, and the rest is history.

[GunslingerRoland]

This is one area that what I've seen on LS is very different than what I've seen in the real world.

 

You are not legally married anymore, you are legally separated. You live in separate places, you pay separate taxes. For most legal purposes you are considered like two single people. It's basically the dissolving of a marriage. The divorce is a paper work process (which can take many years).

[carhill]

Perception?

 

BTDT, our MC was spot-on that people generally separate to get divorced.

 

It's easy to have rules and talk about rules but really, married, separated or single it's a free for all. Anyone sufficiently disgusted or disenchanted with the M to separate will do pretty much what they want, whether that be party, date other people, have ONS, spend the marital funds, whatever. Of course they might adhere to their agreement with specificity

[standtall]

Separated means a pre divorce. You are not working on your marriage, and just getting your ducks in a row.... seeing if either of you can get another partner, working out finances, and emotionally disconnecting the one that is being left in a gentle way. It's the equivalent to moving that really expensive piece of furniture into the basement...you're not quite ready to throw it away, but it's on its way out.

[BarbedFenceRider]

I started out very nihilistic in my youth, watching all my buddies in the fire service just miserable from divorce and WW, rejection and all. I was no wife, no kids, no problems. Then, After a long time and a change of lifestyle, I found my wife. I am a one man, one woman way of thinking now. If I ever had to separate from cheating or her walking out, that would be it. No more. Marriage to me is like a tree. If the branch breaks off, there's no putting it back. It just rots and withers away. I would legally divorce for obvious reasons (living arrangements, car and other possessions, children well-being). But No doubt my wife would have suitors come calling...It would be sad to witness, but at least I held to my beliefs and could walk away with head held high.

[Mysterio]

I am like this. If I marry and we separate. Its straight to divorce to finality. That means that if I meet a new woman. She really wants me. Within a year of the separation I will be divorced. I will not date being only separated over a yr. I will not be on yr 3 o 6 in a separated legal state.

 

I don't plan to get divorced. So I will have to choose well. This is one area of my life I am not playing.

[SolG]

You live in separate places, you pay separate taxes. For most legal purposes you are considered like two single people. It's basically the dissolving of a marriage. The divorce is a paper work process (which can take many years).

 

^^^ This is the way I see it. My xH and I have been separated for about 10 years now. We live in one of those places where you must be separated for six months before you can legally divide assets, and then another six before you can divorce.

 

At the six month mark we came to an amicable agreement and drew up our consent orders for division of assets and severing of all financial ties and had them legally ratified. Then at 12 months separated we went back to the solicitor to discuss divorce. When we asked him what divorce actually legally achieves beyond what we had already done... he said nothing other than allows you to remarry! We chose not to proceed with a divorce and keep the funds in our own back pockets earning interest until divorce was a necessity.

 

We see ourselves as single. Everyone in our lives sees us as single. In the eyes of the law we are single excpect for the fact that we can't remarry. And we act accordingly. Being separated vice divorced has no impact on our lives whatsoever!

 

Our pact is that if either of us ever wants to remarry we'll go ahead and file jointly then.

[basil67]

If I was Married and my wife said she wanted to separate. We are either going to live apart and re-court each other. Or we go straight to divorce. No dating anyone while we are seperated. No exceptions.

 

I notice you write this as if you have some say in what your estranged wife will do when separated from you. Hate to disillusion you, but she can do whatever she chooses to do.

[Mysterio]

Basil you are right. How ever. I won't be with a woman if she is separated and wants a relationship with me. I may give her one yar to get out of it. No bio kids between us or living together if she is separated and if we hit the yr mark. There has to be some major reasons that she is not legally divorced.

 

She will know that from the start with me by gat 4 at least.

[carhill]

Boundaries are healthy. The hard part is enforcing them, whether it is as a married person or as a single person encountering married people. In general, for most intents and purposes of social interaction and all else being equal, IMO a separation is akin to a breakup in the non-marital world, especially if, in both cases, the participants aren't living together. If there were rules of relationship engagement prior, I'd operate on the presumption that they are gone.