When Do You Know Its Time

[jjgitties]

Here is my story. I have been with my wife for 25 years. Married for 16 years. We have 2 children. Boy 12 and daughter 8.

 

I have been miserable in my marriage for quite a while. I can't explain it. Its all the usual things. Lack of enough emotional contact. Lack of compassion. Lack of enough sex. Lack of communication. We go through long periods of it. They if sort of gets better for a bit and then it goes back to the way it is. (see above).

 

I am close to 50. I have been feeling that I am getting more and more depressed in the marriage as the years go on. I dont know if its me? I dont know if its the wife.

 

I am noticing that I am taking it out of my son. The other week I kicked him. I dont know what happened. It was a sunday. We were all indoors most of the day. I said lets all go out for a walk in the park to get fresh air. The kids went out in front and started bugging each other. When I got out, the daughter was coming back to the house crying. She does that because my son keeps bugging her. I thought he hurt her. I don't know what happened but I snapped and I got really mad at him. I kicked him. We then went back into the house and I had a metal break down. I felt so bad for doing it. I was worried I hurt him badly because it looked like I kicked him in the side of the knee.

 

I spent the night crying in bed because I felt so bad about it. I actually spent most of last week feeling awful about it.

 

I am worried I am beyond miserable in my marriage. I am worried I am taking it out on my kids. I am considering ending my marriage to be happier and maybe my kids will see happier parents and will be better adjusted. I worry that me and the wife are never happy in the marriage and its visible and shows.

 

I don't know where to begin.

[Knix]

It sounds like you know what you need to do. It's not going to get any better, best you end it or discuss marriage counseling if you are even considering staying together.

[Popsicle]

I am divorced. I am definitely happier without my ex-husband. I don't know if he's happier without me, he seems the same, but it made a difference for me. Divorce also gave me a break from the kids due to shared time, which I never had before. It was nice to have some "me time" and I'm not just talking about a few hours on a Saturday when somebody babysits for you to give you a break. You get days at a time to yourself and it's nice. Divorce also made their father a better dad. He HAD to spend time with them all alone and spend time doing things with them without my help and without relying on me to do everything, but this was still not all the time as I had my time with the kids. I think he enjoyed having alone time too. Now he has had two more babies with another woman and remarried (unwillingly) and he's miserable again. lol

 

So, if you do divorce and start dating again, make sure you get a vasectomy if you don't want anymore kids!

[Ronni_W]

I am close to 50. <snip>. I snapped and <snip> kicked him. <snip> I spent the night crying in bed because I felt so bad about it. I actually spent most of last week feeling awful about it.

First, hopefully you have already apologized to your son and explained to him that there is absolutely no excuse for your behaviour and treatment of him.

 

Second, hopefully you have already realized that you need outside, professional help to deal with your perceptions, thoughts and feelings. Stress and anger management classes and counseling. Crying and feeling badly isn't sufficient or good enough.

 

After you gain back proper, adult control of yourself, then marriage counseling if that's where you want to go. But, first things first.

[BaileyB]

Before anything, you must apologize to your son. It is never acceptable to use physical aggression toward another person, particularly a child. It will certainly help to regain his love and trust if you are man enough to tell him that you made a grave mistake, apologize, and ask for his forgiveness.

 

And then, you find a good counsellor to help you to discover why you are so unhappy in your life. Hopefully, they will help you to discover some better tools for stress and anger management.

 

Best wishes.

[jjgitties]

Yes, I apologized to him the very same night and told him I was very sorry and explained what went through my mind.

[littlestarsmum]

I’m so sorry to hear that, friend. My heart ached as I read your post. You don’t need to be hard on yourself. I know how difficult and painful it must be for you. It does take time, patience, and hard work to build a happy marriage. Have you ever considered talking with a marriage counselor? Do you think that's something that might be helpful for you personally? Do you think your wife might consider going with you? I just said a prayer for you and your family, and I hope that God will provide the wisdom, comfort and help you need at this time. Your situation may seem impossible right now, but I do believe there is hope. Sending prayers & wishing you well!

[jjgitties]

Hi all. Okay, so time to ask for some help for myself. (For those that missed my post on my back story. I am late 40s. Wife is early 40s. We got two kids.).

 

I have been doing some soul searching and I think I have concluded that my wife just doesn't love me or find me sexually attractive anymore. I don't think its cause I let me self go. I just think I just don't do it for her anymore. She just doesn't realize it and has not come to terms with it. In the meantime it's destroying me emotionally and psychologically. My theory is, I think I have allowed myself to become too domesticated. I help with the kids, I help with the cleaning, I do all kinds of stuff and don't devote enough time to myself and being more selfish. When I think about it, hell, I don't blame her for not getting turned on. Why would a de-masculated male turn you on?

 

I am starting to wonder, is it possible to ask someone you are married to turn the marriage into a non-sexual union and ask for permission to look for sex from someone else? Obviously, my fear is she will freak out and say no. (It's also possible she will agree and also ask for the same thing -- which will obviously lead to a whole other set of problems).

 

Is there a sane or normal way to approach an idea like this without hurting someone elses feelings? Are there other people in similar marriages who have this sort of relationship?

[somuchfortheone]

Hi all. Okay, so time to ask for some help for myself. (For those that missed my post on my back story. I am late 40s. Wife is early 40s. We got two kids.).

 

I have been doing some soul searching and I think I have concluded that my wife just doesn't love me or find me sexually attractive anymore. I don't think its cause I let me self go. I just think I just don't do it for her anymore. She just doesn't realize it and has not come to terms with it. In the meantime it's destroying me emotionally and psychologically. My theory is, I think I have allowed myself to become too domesticated. I help with the kids, I help with the cleaning, I do all kinds of stuff and don't devote enough time to myself and being more selfish. When I think about it, hell, I don't blame her for not getting turned on. Why would a de-masculated male turn you on?

 

I am starting to wonder, is it possible to ask someone you are married to turn the marriage into a non-sexual union and ask for permission to look for sex from someone else? Obviously, my fear is she will freak out and say no. (It's also possible she will agree and also ask for the same thing -- which will obviously lead to a whole other set of problems).

 

Is there a sane or normal way to approach an idea like this without hurting someone elses feelings? Are there other people in similar marriages who have this sort of relationship?

 

 

I think that sounds like a recipe for a worse situation than you're in now. I don't think it has anything to do with you helping around the house. God bless you for doing it.. wish my husband helped like that! I would suggest marriage counseling... couples retreat... sounds like you need to spice it up .. not put that energy into other women. Give her a foot massage, book a couples massage, romantic dinner, weekend getaway... what made you feel connected at the beginning of your marriage? I would communicate to her that you want to feel more connected, specifically sexually and that it's taking a toll on you... please don't mention other woman..water your own grass

[somuchfortheone]

Also.. take the love language test together... this will help each of you learn how you both feel loved and how you show love... it's eye opening.

[d0nnivain]

Instead of guessing what she is feeling, talk to her & tell her what you are feeling. Ask how she thinks you can rekindle the romance. Then work with her to make you both happy.

[jjgitties]

Instead of guessing what she is feeling, talk to her & tell her what you are feeling. Ask how she thinks you can rekindle the romance. Then work with her to make you both happy.

 

Talking was attempted. It sort of worked once, for a bit, but then things went right back to where they were. She does not like to sit around and talk about it and it sort of appears to me that she things it's just a big waste of time to sit around and talk about my feelings and emotions.

 

On the one hand, yes, you can sort of see that things are busy and she is always tired. But then on the other hand, I have voiced by concerns about the marriage in as civilized a way as I can and she just dismisses it. If you really wanted to be married to someone and be in a marriage with someone, you would make time to do things to keep the marriage afloat.

 

I have given up trying to talk about it as I am feeling its starting to sound pathetic on my part. I don't even know if she realizes I am constantly thinking about divorce. My days lately are pretty much spent wondering, is it all in my head and I am having a mental break down or is this a valid reason to divorce someone? Do people get divorced because they feel like they haven't been in a loving marriage for many years?

[wmacbride]

My first question to you ( and please don't freak out, as I am just asking not accusing) is whether or not you've developed an interest in another woman, maybe someone at work or somewhere else you interact? I'm not saying this is on purpose or that you have cheated, and you may not even be aware of it.

 

 

Secondly, where is your role in the breakdown of your marriage? If you want to save it, you need to figure that out. Again, this isn't to blame you, but as a person can only work on their own behavior and know their own mind, it's pointless to comment on what she should be doing.

 

 

Third, talking to your wife about how you are feeling isn't going to be easy, but you really do need to do it. Stress to her the importance of this to her and that she really needs to listen and hear what you have to say.

[BaileyB]

Third, talking to your wife about how you are feeling isn't going to be easy, but you really do need to do it. Stress to her the importance of this to her and that she really needs to listen and hear what you have to say.

 

This. To say that you talked once and it didn't work, is not enough. Your wife needs to know how you are feeling and you need to tell her - "I think about divorce all the time. In a few years, the kids will be grown and gone and I'm worried that if we don't invest in this marriage, there will be nothing left between us. And, I will leave." Don't threaten to leave, but tell her what you are thinking. It will get her attention. And if it doesn't, you will know that you have big problems.

 

It takes two to save a marriage. You can't do it if your wife isn't invested. But, before you decide to walk away, you MUST be sure that your wife know how you are feeling and how serious this problem is for you. Tell her what you want and give her specifics - I would like to find a few minutes every night when we can talk, or a few minutes every night to hold your hand and watch tv. Tell her that you want to go out on a date and have fun together again. Tell her that you miss the sex. She doesn't know what you want, unless you tell her. And then, it's up to her to decide if it's also what she wants for the marriage. If she doesn't consider your feelings and work to save the marriage, you will have a big decision to make. Good luck.

Edited May 16, 2017 by BaileyB

[jjgitties]

My first question to you ( and please don't freak out, as I am just asking not accusing) is whether or not you've developed an interest in another woman, maybe someone at work or somewhere else you interact? I'm not saying this is on purpose or that you have cheated, and you may not even be aware of it.

 

 

Secondly, where is your role in the breakdown of your marriage? If you want to save it, you need to figure that out. Again, this isn't to blame you, but as a person can only work on their own behavior and know their own mind, it's pointless to comment on what she should be doing.

 

 

Third, talking to your wife about how you are feeling isn't going to be easy, but you really do need to do it. Stress to her the importance of this to her and that she really needs to listen and hear what you have to say.

 

No. I have not met anyone and there isn't anyone at work.

 

I don't know where my role plays in this. I guess there must be some sort of reason for her not wanting to engage with me emotionally or sexually. All I can think of is she feels its not important for to the marriage. Or I just don't do it for her. So if that's the case, maybe she should be with someone who does do it for her and I should be with someone who wants me. She seems perfectly content with what she is doing, living where we live, and devoting all her time and energy to the kids and their activities. I am the one is miserable and am finding myself becoming more distanced and shutting down from her because there is a lack of emotion and communication and sex in the marriage.

 

I already talked to her about my feelings a while back. I even brought up the idea of separation. We reconciled after that and things got better for a while. But then they just went right back to the way they were.

 

Talking to her about feelings seems to be that she feels is a complete waste of her time and energy. I am telling you, this woman is not in love with me. She is in love with her house and her kids. She does not need anything else from me other than to fix things around the house, drive kids to places, keep a job and pay for share of mortgage and show up at family gatherings.

[somuchfortheone]

I am telling you, this woman is not in love with me. She is in love with her house and her kids. She does not need anything else from me other than to fix things around the house, drive kids to places, keep a job and pay for share of mortgage and show up at family gatherings.

 

 

I'm sorry you are going through that...I'm going through something very similar...I'm sitting here wondering why I still take care of someone who wants to be with another woman...why do I care so much? I don't know what is wrong with me. I'm ready for him to move out so I can just take care of myself. It's no way to live.

[Quiet Storms]

(It's also possible she will agree and also ask for the same thing -- which will obviously lead to a whole other set of problems).

 

I'm confused about this. What other set of problems would it lead to?

 

If you are considering asking her for an open marriage, then that works both ways. You don't get to ask her for YOU to have the option to get sex outside of the marriage if you don't also give her the same permission. Right?

 

I can't believe that you would even consider asking for an open marriage just for you and not for her.

[wmacbride]

It does sound as if she has checked out, but that doesn't necessarily mean your marriage is over.

 

It does sound like you have reached your tipping point. Have you clearly and explicitly told her that? Not just suggesting a separation, but putting it in cold, clear terms.

 

It might hurt her to hear what you have to say, but she needs to. If you feel like you can't say it, write it, being as clear as you can. The whole reason behind this exercise is to not only make sure she knows how you feel not just for her, but yourself as well. Let it all out, even if it's hurtful to her, but don't get in any unnecessary barbs.

 

If you can honestly look at everything that's gone on and you feel like you have given it your best efforts, then maybe it's time to call it quits. I would forget the whole "open marriage" concept, unless you are willing for you and your wife to live completely separate emotional lives. It really doesn't sound like that is what you want. It sounds more like you want the whole package, which is completely understandable.

 

When it comes right down to it, your wife may well be a very different person than she was when you married her. It doesn't sound like the "new" her is someone you want to be married to.

[DKT3]

When my wife and I were in college there was a pie shop that was about a three hour drive away. She would plot and plan ways to steal the six and a half hours to drive there eat one piece of warm pecan pie with whipped cream. One day I noticed that the little mom and pop shop down the street carried the restaurants pies.....poof she lost all interest in the pie in a matter of weeks.

 

Point being, you're too available. I wouldn't automatically jump to she isn't attracted to or in love with you. More of a case of she knowing when she is ready you will be ready. Talking to her is pointless if she isn't hearing you.

 

My suggestion, become less available. Start doing things you enjoy apart from her, stop doing more then your share of things around the house. Stop asking and start demanding, not sex or emotional connection, but respect.

 

Don't go around talking about separation and divorce if you're not prepared to pull the trigger.

[jjgitties]

I'm confused about this. What other set of problems would it lead to?

 

If you are considering asking her for an open marriage, then that works both ways. You don't get to ask her for YOU to have the option to get sex outside of the marriage if you don't also give her the same permission. Right?

 

I can't believe that you would even consider asking for an open marriage just for you and not for her.

 

Yeah, sort of like that, but maybe a little different. My concern was, if I ask for an open marriage, then yes, that automatically opens the door for her to have an open marriage. And the last thing I would want is to turn our marriage into a permanent open marriage. i.e. complicate my life even further and be raising kids in a open marraige type situation.

 

The root of my problem isn't I need to sleep around and have sex with other people. The root of my problem is I feel I have zero emotional connection with my spouse. This is exasberated by the fact that we don't communicate or have sex. As someone else on this thread chimed in and worded it much better. than me. The open marriage thing is a much stupider idea than I realized. It would mean my wife and I would be agreeing to live separate emotional lives -- which is the very thing I am trying to get rid of in my life and fix in my life.

[jjgitties]

When my wife and I were in college there was a pie shop that was about a three hour drive away. She would plot and plan ways to steal the six and a half hours to drive there eat one piece of warm pecan pie with whipped cream. One day I noticed that the little mom and pop shop down the street carried the restaurants pies.....poof she lost all interest in the pie in a matter of weeks.

 

Point being, you're too available. I wouldn't automatically jump to she isn't attracted to or in love with you. More of a case of she knowing when she is ready you will be ready. Talking to her is pointless if she isn't hearing you.

 

My suggestion, become less available. Start doing things you enjoy apart from her, stop doing more then your share of things around the house. Stop asking and start demanding, not sex or emotional connection, but respect.

 

Don't go around talking about separation and divorce if you're not prepared to pull the trigger.

 

Yes, I will do that. And I also know this will get turned around on me and she will accuse me of turning into an ******* and not paying any attention to her and she will blame me for the end of the marraige. Either way, I am in a lose-lose situation.

[RedBaron2765]

OP, you sound just like me - our kids are preschool age and we're a little bit older than you. I'm only staying because I don't want my wife's ways (lazy, insecure, immature) to totally rub off on the kids. When she has them, she's sitting on her ass playing games on her phone while the kids are watching TV or playing - when I have them we're outside running around if the weather is nice or we're playing/reading if weather is crappy. She also thinks that acting like a 12 year old is endearing. Lastly, our sex life is non-existent (when you're lazy, anything besides sitting watching TV or playing on your phone requires too much effort).

 

Sorry for the hijack - your post struck a nerve with me and want you to know that others are in the same boat. We haven't talked about it (talking to her is like talking to a teenage girl), and haven't had any thoughts of an open marriage, but otherwise you sound like me. Keep us posted as I'd like to see how it turns out for you.

[jjgitties]

I have been having depression issues because of the complete of lack of emotion and intimacy in my marriage. All sorts of things are going through my mind. Separation, filing for divorce, cheating, going out to find an affair. I haven't talked opening with my wife about it. We don't communicate very much or very often. We only talk about the house and the kids.

 

I have been trying really hard to get out of the depression and turn things around. But I can't. I have been trying to break by old ways of hanging around and just waiting and hoping my wife initiates intimacy. I have been keeping myself busy and making myself unavailable. Going out for runs. Doing extra work. Doing everything I can to not come across like I am just sitting there like a miserable sack of **** hoping my wife starts to notice and starts to initiate some sort of emotion or intimacy.

 

Every time I try to initiate anything the most I can do is barely kiss her on the cheek. I can't bring myself to hold her or touch her because I worry it will throw me into a deeper depression.

 

How do you get out of this rut? I feel like the more I distance myself the worse it gets and I can't bring myself to try to change it because of fear of rejection and disappointment.

[d0nnivain]

It's good that you are trying to be proactive but depression is a medical illness. You wouldn't only try a bunch of home remedies to cure cancer or to fix a broken bone. Go to a doctor & do some talk therapy. Don't just get a prescription for anti-depressant happy pills. You need to work to fix your issues & then you & your wife need MC

[mercy]

Talk therapy was the best gift I've ever given myself.