When Do You Know Its Time

[BaileyB]

You need to find a good counsellor. It is, the best gift you could ever give yourself.

 

And if I may, having an affair before you deal with the problems in your marriage and end your relationship with your wife is a sure fire way to increase the complexity of your life and create worsening depression. Sure, the "high" may help you to temporarily forget your feelings and your problems. But, you will never be able to avoid dealing with the things you have to deal with forever. The "crash" will be devastating.

 

Depression is brutal and in this case, it may be your minds way of telling you that you need to make some changes in your life. Just remember, this too shall pass. Get some counselling, maybe some medication, and deal with your life before you start a new relationship. Best wishes.

[d0nnivain]

Every time I try to initiate anything the most I can do is barely kiss her on the cheek. I can't bring myself to hold her or touch her because I worry it will throw me into a deeper depression.

 

That doesn't make sense. When you have sex, your brain releases certain hormones. Those chemicals actually combat depression. Sex helps . It shouldn't make things worse.

[jjgitties]

Thanks for the replies. The problem is I don't know what I have. All I know is I have been having this constant heavy feeling in my gut and constant sadness. I have ascribed it to the fact that I have a loveless marriage. There is no intimacy between me and my wife. But maybe its something else. Maybe its depression and that's what's causing the lack of intimacy. Why would anyone want to be intimate with someone who is always sad? I don't know why this is happening. I have a stable job. She has a stable job. I have financial stability. I don't have money problems. I have two kids. I have a house. I am not alone. But I am constantly moody and down. It just doesn't go away.

[d0nnivain]

Talk therapy with a trained medical professional is where you will find the answers to why you feel like this & more importantly how to fix it.

[BaileyB]

Thanks for the replies. The problem is I don't know what I have. All I know is I have been having this constant heavy feeling in my gut and constant sadness. I have ascribed it to the fact that I have a loveless marriage. There is no intimacy between me and my wife. But maybe its something else. Maybe its depression and that's what's causing the lack of intimacy. Why would anyone want to be intimate with someone who is always sad? I don't know why this is happening. I have a stable job. She has a stable job. I have financial stability. I don't have money problems. I have two kids. I have a house. I am not alone. But I am constantly moody and down. It just doesn't go away.

 

Talk to your doctor. Find a counsellor. Begin to discover why you are feeling this way... Maybe it's within you. Maybe it's within your marriage. It's probably both. You need to do the work to discover why you are feeling so unhappy.

 

Don't waste another day. It's not possible to be happy, all the time. But, life is too short to live in misery when there are things that you can do to help yourself. There is no shame in seeking assistance. The only shame is continuing to live an unhappy life because you are unwilling or afraid to see assistance. Take care.

[jjgitties]

Well, here I am, half drunk and seething and controlling my emotions.

 

The attempt to communicate sort of blew up in my face. I wrote everything down of what I was going to say. I planned it out. All my feelings about why I am unhappy. All the things I was going to tell her. To make her see that I am slowly being destroyed from the inside out both emotionally and psychologically.

 

Her response is, I am exhansted. I don't want to take about this now. I need to sleep. You got me all worked up for no reason. In other words, I dont give a flying ****.

 

Which part of this has turned into an unhealthy relationship am I not getting across.

 

I either rape her in her sleep or I go out and find a ****ing hooker and taking pictures of myself ****ing a hoocker to get out of this **** marriage.

[jjgitties]

this ****ing woman has nothing left for me. i do nothing for her. i have become the cozy roommate. she even tried to blame my mood on my friends. i told her a total load of bull****. my friend actually loves his wife inside out. my problems with her barely came up for 2 minues when i went out with my friends a few weeks ago. their suggestion was, you need to schedule a romatic night out with just you and your wife. which part of this woman can't stand being with me do they not understand. are you figgin kidding me. i will schedule an entire weekend out just me and her.

 

i either cut my dick off with my chain saw or i file for divorce.

[jjgitties]

btw. no, i am not going to rape the mother of my children. i have self respect and dignity.

 

but, i need advice. how can i convince a woman she has lost sexual attraction to a man. whats a good way to tell her, maybe its time you find someone who does it for you and let me do the same.

 

is it possible that a female could be so lost in her own fantasy that she doesn't realize she has lost it for her spouse?

 

at this point i don't care about bring a husband. i just want to be a father to my kids. i couldnt' care less whom she decides to chose to get horny with. i have bwcome numb.

Edited May 22, 2017 by jjgitties

[knitwit]

You can't force someone to be attracted to you.

 

I have to say, I am a little concerned. If my H kicked my son, that would be a HUGE issue for me. I would lose a lot of respect for my H, and it would sink my opinion of him. I would not want to spend much time with him, either.

 

It's been some time now since that incident and you're posting drunk. You're saying things like your choices are to get violent with your wife or yourself, or file for divorce. You won't rape your wife because you won't dishonor yourself like that?

 

So, again, this was probably drunken rambling. At the same time, we have a lot of people in sexless marriages who never consider rape as an option.

 

This is on top of you actually being violent towards you son, and I have to wonder if you have a serious anger management issue.

 

Whatever is going on, you say that your wife can't stand being around you. No woman is going to want to have sex with a man who she can't stand being around.

 

My recommendation echoes prior recommendations: get yourself into therapy. I would also read the book "Love Busters" and see if you recognize any of the behaviors described in yourself, such as Angry Outbursts.

[jjgitties]

So I posted a thread with my problems and issues.

 

I took some advice and confronted the wife and was very honest . I told her about how I am thinking about divorce a lot. E.t.c.

 

After a long talk we reconciled and has sex. But naturally thing went right back to where they were a day or two later.

 

One thing that resonated with me in previous thread is that maybe I just have to accept that she has become a different person. The way she is is who she is. And I don't want to be married to that different person. She has become.

 

What can I do? How does one break it to her.

[preraph]

Maybe she hasn't changed that much. The longer you know someone, the more you know the real person and things can break down. If both of you would like to save it, try marriage counseling.

[jjgitties]

Maybe she hasn't changed that much. The longer you know someone, the more you know the real person and things can break down. If both of you would like to save it, try marriage counseling.

 

No. She has changed. She is a different person than the person she was in her 20s.

[Redhead14]

There is a saying: If you don't know . . . you know. I.E.: If you don't know that you love her, you know you don't love her. Move on.

[jjgitties]

There is a saying: If you don't know . . . you know. I.E.: If you don't know that you love her, you know you don't love her. Move on.

 

I think you are right. So then this is the part that gets tricky. How do you tell the woman who is the mother of your children that you want to leave her because you don't like being with the person she is anymore and you don't love her anymore? How do you tell your 8 and 10 year old that you will be leaving them because you don't like being with their mother anymore?

 

It would require a person to take on a very heavy amount of selfish stance to do that. I have been married and a parent for over 10 years and put the kids first. I don't think it's that easy to just flip a switch and say "I think I will become selfish now" and walk away.

 

I am beginning to understand how married couples stay together in a loveless marriage for a long time just for the sake of the kids and start sleeping in separate beds. And then divorce in their late 50s or 60s once the kids are adults and moved out of the house.

 

I am so ****ed!

[mightycpa]

Maybe like this:

I'm not trying to start a war or a divorce conversation here, but I really feel like I've got to tell you, lately, I just haven't been feeling it for you. Probably the two biggest questions on my mind are:

 

1) Do you feel the same way about me?

 

2) What do we do about this?

 

I'd really like to have an honest conversation and hear your thoughts.

[jjgitties]

Maybe like this:

 

I kind of tried and did that last week. Something close to that effect.

 

She pretty much managed to turned it around on me and said everything "is in my head" and we are all very happy.

[mightycpa]

It's probably not unusual that someone would resist this message and try to slough it off.

 

You should try the broken record technique, and maybe answer your questions for you and ask if that's right.

 

Hmm, so you're saying that you actually still love me. Then what I can only conclude is that your version of love means:

 

You're satisfied with the way that we communicate with each other.

You're satisfied with our sex life.

You're satisfied with our level of intimacy.

You're satisfied with the amount of things we do together.

You're satisfied with how well we get along on a day to day basis.

You're satisfied with my attitude at home.

 

None of these things bother you? Is that what you are honestly trying to tell me? You see nothing wrong between us? Is what we have really all you expect from a marriage?

 

What's your worst complaint, not about me, but about the marriage? What's the first thing you'd fix?

I don't know. If you really want to start a dialogue, I think it goes something like that. Eventually, she's got to give on something.

[OpenBook]

1) Find out (thru friends, your doctor, whoever you trust) who is a good/effective marriage counselor in your area.

 

2) Make an appointment with said marriage counselor.

 

3) Make arrangements for childcare during that time.

 

4) Tell your W you're both going to that appointment... and if she gives you a hard time about it, tell her that if she refuses to go that your NEXT appointment will be with a divorce lawyer.

 

She needs to get the message that your marriage is in big trouble.

[Ronni_W]

No. She has changed. She is a different person than the person she was in her 20s.

Well...yes. Hopefully she has grown as an individual over the intervening years; hopefully we are all doing that throughout our lives.

 

On the other hand, perhaps what you are seeing now that you are finding undesirable was really always there except that you put blinders on against them because you were focusing on all the stuff that you did like and found attractive in terms of how they played off/complemented your own personality's characteristics and traits.

 

So...you also have changed in the same way but only in a different direction. Now you're putting blinders on against all the stuff that you used to find attractive (that made you fall in love with her and marry her in the first place), and focusing on all the stuff that you ignored in the first place.

 

How do you tell the woman who is the mother of your children that you want to leave her because you don't like being with the person she is anymore and you don't love her anymore? How do you tell your 8 and 10 year old that you will be leaving them because you don't like being with their mother anymore?

You do NOT tell your children anything of the sort! You tell them that you and their mother have grown apart as individuals and need to live as separate adults so that you can each realize more of your full potential. You assure your children that you love them and will always love them, and that you will forever owe a huge debt of gratitude to their mother for having shared her life with you for the amount of time that she did and for helping you become a father to your two amazing children.

 

And you tell their mother more-or-less the same thing. The split is only the consequence of your own and your wife's growth and behaviour patterns over the years. No one is less or more guilty or innocent.

 

The purpose of life is to realize our full potential to the very best of our ability. It is not 'selfish' to recognize that we have (carelessly, unwittingly, mistakenly, misguidedly) gotten ourselves into a set of circumstances and conditions that no longer properly support our further growth and self-realization.

It is, however, a fallacy and self-delusion to think that we are not ultimately responsible; that we are innocent, faultless and blame-free. (You have already said of yourself, "...of turning into an ******* and not paying any attention to her..." -- so you already know that you can't put the demise of your marital relationship ALL on her.)

 

You can build your own new life without having to tear down your wife or making her look 'less than' in the eyes of your children. In fact, for their sake and self-esteem,

you would want them to see BOTH their parents in the highest and best light possible.

 

Wishing you and your family the highest and best possible.

[BaileyB]

You tell them that you and their mother have grown apart as individuals and need to live as separate adults so that you can each realize more of your full potential. You assure your children that you love them and will always love them, and that you will forever owe a huge debt of gratitude to their mother for having shared her life with you for the amount of time that she did and for helping you become a father to your two amazing children.

 

You can build your own new life without having to tear down your wife or making her look 'less than' in the eyes of your children. In fact, for their sake and self-esteem, you would want them to see BOTH their parents in the highest and best light.

 

Reread this, it is the best advice in this discussion.

 

Do not share your dirty laundry with your children or place the blame on their mother. If you do this, it will forever change your relationship with your children and they will never forgive you.

[Mittens]

Reread this, it is the best advice in this discussion.

 

Do not share your dirty laundry with your children or place the blame on their mother. If you do this, it will forever change your relationship with your children and they will never forgive you.

 

 

Can't agree more with this, as I've lived it...my mother shared all her dirty laundry regarding her marriage to my father and put the blame on their divorce 100% on him. She used us as weapons and 27 years later I've not forgiven her for it and have as little as possible to do with her...in fact I moved to the other side of the world to get away from her.

[Els]

In the space of one forum thread, you talked about:

 

- Kicking your son (and actually did it)

- Considering raping your wife in her sleep

- Considering seeing a hooker and taking pictures of it (why do you need that for a divorce?)

 

I hate to sound unsympathetic but you sound EXTREMELY mentally unstable. You cannot pin this degree of mental instability solely on a lack of sex and intimacy. Lots of people are unfortunately lacking sex/intimacy - most healthy and balanced people do not use that as an excuse for kicking their son and considering rape. By all means divorce your wife, but you really need to see a mental health professional STAT and tell them about all of this and seek treatment before you end up doing something you really regret, regardless of whether you are divorced or not.

[jjgitties]

Hi. I am back again. The same issues I had seem to have come back and I decided to check to see when I was first posting in here to get a frame of reference. I was active here in May 2017. Its been almost exactly 6 months. Things don't change and people don't change. They are what they are. The problems of lack of communication, lack of love, lack of sex, lack of everything are all back and destroying me inside. I feel like my guts are churning inside out. (BTW.. No I have not been taking anything out of my child. I make a promise to myself to never allow that to happen again.)

 

I have been reading a few of the different posts. It seems a few people have suggested get things prepared.

 

So I am interpreting this as:

- I need to get a separate bank account and start putting money into it.

- I need to source out a marriage counselor in my area. Book an appointment for both of us and tell her the date. If she refused to show up, I will just go on my own. I will keep a paper trail of the number of times I went to a marriage counselor.

- I will start looking for where I can live.

- I need to source out a lawyer and get advice.

 

Any other thoughts or advice. Any help appreciated.

 

I went to church yesterday with the family. In the priests sermon he said something to the tone of, "Is this what God wants for you?" That phrase has been haunting me ever since. Is this why I got married in that church almost 20 years ago? Is this why I was put on this earth? To feel this way every day? This this really what my life on this earth and what is left of it meant to be like until I die?

[PegNosePete]

I have been reading a few of the different posts. It seems a few people have suggested get things prepared.

I don't understand what you're trying to do here. You're reading other people's threads and collating advice that's been given to them about their specific situations, and applying that to your own? That doesn't really make sense. Not only does your situation different to all of them, but they are different to each other. The advice you've collated seems designed to achieve different goals: save the marriage or end it? Get the best divorce outcome or temporarily separate? Shock your spouse out of an affair fog? Without understanding your objective it's not very sensible to take advice given to many other people in totally different situations.

 

Regarding the last part. There is no "why" and there is no "meant to be". We each control our own destiny and make our free choices. We have free will, right?

[jjgitties]

I don't understand what you're trying to do here. You're reading other people's threads and collating advice that's been given to them about their specific situations, and applying that to your own? That doesn't really make sense. Not only does your situation different to all of them, but they are different to each other. The advice you've collated seems designed to achieve different goals: save the marriage or end it? Get the best divorce outcome or temporarily separate? Shock your spouse out of an affair fog? Without understanding your objective it's not very sensible to take advice given to many other people in totally different situations.

 

Regarding the last part. There is no "why" and there is no "meant to be". We each control our own destiny and make our free choices. We have free will, right?

 

Ok. I understand what you mean. Then I am looking for a good clean way to end a marriage. I want to do it as amicably as possible for the sake of the children.