Co-parent (exes) boundaries?

[Miffy22]

My other half has a son from a previous relationship (not married).

I basically would just like to know what people think the boundaries should be between the 2 parents?

My other half does not go into his son’s mom’s house when he drops/collects him he stays at the door, which I think is fine. If he went in I wouldn’t be happy about it.

They only communicate to talk about their son, school, birthday, Christmas etc and they do not do things together with their son (the 3 of them). Sometimes they have a joint birthday party for him with both his and her families there. I don’t agree with that because I think why can’t he do something separately with his dad and me; then something with his mom and her family I am now very involved with his son, so I wonder what should boundaries be regarding Christmas, birthdays, dropping, picking up etc?

Sometimes when he collects his son I calculate the time it takes and try and account for every minute, because I am quite insecure. And I also question my other half which annoys him sometimes as he says he isn’t doing anything wrong. Is there anything which might help me deal with the situation better? Are their boundaries fair or not?

[PegNosePete]

Sometimes they have a joint birthday party for him with both his and her families there. I don’t agree with that because I think why can’t he do something separately with his dad and me; then something with his mom and her family

To be blunt. You need to stop thinking about YOU. The most important person here is the kid. Sometimes kids just want their mum and dad to both be at their birthday party. It sounds to me that the mum and dad have a very good co-parenting relationship: they don't make drama, they treat each other with (distanced) respect and they sometimes put their own feelings on the back burner for the benefit of the child.

 

Christmas

Well, there's many ways to handle it. Contact agreements often specify who has custody at Christmas. Sometimes they take turns, sometimes it's whoever would normally have him on that day, etc.

 

dropping, picking up

You said you're happy with these arrangements so no need to change anything.

 

Sometimes when he collects his son I calculate the time it takes and try and account for every minute, because I am quite insecure.

Look you need to get a handle on this otherwise it will destroy your relationship. His kid will always be NUMBER 1 priority in his life. Just as if you had a kid, they would be number 1 priority. It is no fun to be accused of doing something that you're not. You are basically telling him that you don't trust him. If you allow your insecurities to make you irrational then you are going to really tick him off and you will end up single.

 

Is there anything which might help me deal with the situation better?

Yes, therapy for your insecurity and trust issues.

[d0nnivain]

The boundaries are whatever is in the best interest of the child. Your insecurities are not part of that equation.

 

Your guy sounds like he has a good handle on everything. You need to stop being so suspicious. It makes you unattractive. No matter what you support the kid too. Never make your guy feel like he has to chose between his child & you. Even if he takes some extra time to say good bye or take a circuitous route home because he's sad about the separation, say nothing.

[Miffy22]

Thanks forgot your reply I really appreciate the advice. I also did not mention that my other half and his son’s mom do NOT get on at all. She causes a lot of problems and drama so he stays as civil as possible as their son is only 6 and she’s stopped him seeing him before. I don’t want to end up pushing him away

[d0nnivain]

Just keep being the happy, sunny easy to be with GF -- in short the contrast to the drama fueled baby mamma.

[PegNosePete]

I don’t want to end up pushing him away

Well, that's what you say, but your actions are going to do exactly that if you don't change.

[stillafool]

It is best for his child if your bf and the mother do get along well for more effective co-parenting. So stop counting on he and the child's mother not getting along as a way to keep them apart. Sooner or later in the child's life this situation will change and you will need to deal with it. Your bf seems mature and hasn't done anything to warrant suspicion. I too read your other thread and I think you need professional counseling for your jealousy rather than advice from some forum.

[Miffy22]

It is best for his child if your bf and the mother do get along well for more effective co-parenting. So stop counting on he and the child's mother not getting along as a way to keep them apart. Sooner or later in the child's life this situation will change and you will need to deal with it. Your bf seems mature and hasn't done anything to warrant suspicion. I too read your other thread and I think you need professional counseling for your jealousy rather than advice from some forum.

 

 

Thank you for your response I appreciate the advice. What do you mean by the situation will change later in their child’s life?

[stillafool]

At some point most parents put their egos aside and do what is best for the child. I doubt your bf and his ex are going to hate each other forever and sooner or later will put their differences aside for their child. They have 13/14 years ahead of them to co-parent.

[momonthego]

At least you are admitting you are insecure because this is something important for you to tackle or else you may push your other half away. You chose to be in a relationship with him and his son and so yes you will have to respect his time with his son but you can also establish boundaries with him as long as you both talk and agree to those boundaries. From what you have said however, I don’t feel he has broken any boundaries. I don’t see an issue with the joint birthday party. It seems that they are trying to do what is best for their son and you are the third wheel making trouble. Have you been excluded from anything? If your better half includes you in some of these activities would that make you feel better? You have to trust your relationship and you have to trust that the other woman will always be in your other half’s life one way or another (if the child gets sick, at graduations, at parties, weddings, birth of children, etc.). The key is being secure in yourself. Stop the million and one questions and stop calculating how long he is out. The truth is, if something is going to happen, you can’t stop it. There is no point worrying over something that may not be happening. If he gives you reason to doubt his honesty, that’s different but otherwise try to relax more.