Romantic Intentions from the start

[Mysterio]

I was on another post and someone said that some people go from LTR to LTR with out a brake. So I started thinking. What if men and woman were more up front with their intentions.

 

What if instead of feeling things out and being friends first. You just state your intntions. Some variations of I like you in a romantic way first. Thats kissing and making out/making love your romantic prospect.

 

What do you all think that would do with your chances of getting into a LTR.

[WaitingForBardot]

It's always worked out well for me anyway...

 

I've always known immediately if there's a spark and when it has been reciprocated we've basically just gone straight into a relationship. No dating, no defining the relationship type talks, just straight into a relationship. And I've never had problems finding girls/women with the same modus operandi.

 

I like to think of it as assessing potential relationship partners by actually trying to have relationships with them. Just seems more efficient.

[Mysterio]

I think that women would be taken aback by that. Guys are more ready for the physical stuff anytime, unless he is really not attracted to her.

 

In my mind. Even with my female friends observing them, none of them are the type to just start sleeping with anyone or jumping into bed right away.

[basil67]

I'm he same as Bardot. I've never just dated casually. Instead, there would be a connection and we've run with it. There was never a need to discuss exclusivity because we just knew we were an item.

 

That said, you can be in a relationship and break it off if it doesn't work. That's why it's not scary. It's not like you're making a long term promise from the get go.

 

Personally I don't understand juggling a few different dates at the same time. Heaven forbid I was single again because I would never bother with a guy who was dating around while taking time to make a decision about me.

[jjgitties]

I was on another post and someone said that some people go from LTR to LTR with out a brake. So I started thinking. What if men and woman were more up front with their intentions.

 

What if instead of feeling things out and being friends first. You just state your intntions. Some variations of I like you in a romantic way first. Thats kissing and making out/making love your romantic prospect.

 

What do you all think that would do with your chances of getting into a LTR.

 

As the famous line from Ashford & Simpson goes, "You can't be nobodys lover, til you're somebodys friend". L)

 

 

But on a serious note. The problem you will/might run into is you will get into a relationship and after the initial honeymoon phase you realize that you are stuck with someone who has very little in common with you and you don't really like hanging out with. and then you're screwed.

[elaine567]

In my mind. Even with my female friends observing them, none of them are the type to just start sleeping with anyone or jumping into bed right away.

.

Though if their intention is to form a relationship with a guy they are crazy about and a connection is made, then why would they not want to jump into bed with him or at least get somewhat physical with him?

 

All very well friends first, and that can work for some, but in the process, it can also extinguish any passion and once the passion is lost it may be difficult to fan back into life.

[Mysterio]

I see your point, but for me. I have always gone slow. There is not straight to the bed thing for me. I would not even think about sleeping with the woman, unless she is my GF and even then. I don't want any oops kids, so everything has to be talked out for me.

 

When I look at the my parents generation, vs mine. It feels like everyone was more cut and dry in the late 60's when they were courting. Than now. I am 17 yrs past the age of my parents when they got married.

 

My parents met in 1968 and got married in 1969 when Dad was 29/Mom-30.

[elaine567]

But on a serious note. The problem you will/might run into is you will get into a relationship and after the initial honeymoon phase you realize that you are stuck with someone who has very little in common with you and you don't really like hanging out with. and then you're screwed.

 

Why are you screwed?

Dating is about finding compatible people, if you find you have little in common or you don't like them very much after a period of time, then you just end it.

[Mysterio]

Maybe its a hormone thing or certain vibe that can't be quantified. Like I just like certain #'s/Colours/Music and there is no rhyme or reason for it.

 

I love the # 7. Red for colour. Any type of music that sounds like James Brown/Led Zeppelin/Hendrix. Thats just the way it is.

 

When it comes to romance. No matter what the intentions are. Certain people put together work. Others don't.

[Mysterio]

I have lots of friends and know lots of people. I still find romantic compatablility hard. I am not like most guys. I am not a pleaser. At best. I am Mr. Reasonable Negotiations.

[jjgitties]

Why are you screwed?

Dating is about finding compatible people, if you find you have little in common or you don't like them very much after a period of time, then you just end it.

 

Thats true. But then you are going through heartbreak and emotional stress which you could have easily avoided by just trying to get to know the person and their personality before you told them you want to kiss and go to bed with them.

 

then you just end it.

Is this not why this forum and many of the visitors are on here in a lot of cases are here for. They are trying to find sane ways to deal with so many people in their life that they run into that make a connection with them and then just casually end it.

[elaine567]

I have lots of friends and know lots of people. I still find romantic compatablility hard. I am not like most guys. I am not a pleaser. At best. I am Mr. Reasonable Negotiations.

 

It may be a way of avoiding rejection for you.

Everyone is a friend, so unless they show direct interest in you, they remain in the friend box. No harm, no foul.

No risk taken but maybe no real gain either.

[elaine567]

Thats true. But then you are going through heartbreak and emotional stress which you could have easily avoided by just trying to get to know the person and their personality before you told them you want to kiss and go to bed with them.

But you cannot really dodge heartache, no matter how carefully you lay plans, you may be great friends, but in the bedroom it may end up as a disaster.

You may think you have found the perfect person, but they do not feel the same...

 

Is this not why this forum and many of the visitors are on here in a lot of cases are here for. They are trying to find sane ways to deal with so many people in their life that they run into that make a connection with them and then just casually end it.

 

But dating is not just about finding someone and putting up with just about anything...

People are perfectly entitled to end relationships that are not working FOR THEM...

Who really wants to be miserable?

Life is too short.

[Mysterio]

I don't think I am afraid of rejection. I asked a woman from my Gym out for Lunch. I told her at Lunch that I had a crush on her. She told me she was married. So I let it go.

 

I think today is just harder for some reason. I just don't have that vibe that a lot of women are single. Unless you go on a Dating site. Just around me. Not much.

 

I feel like Friendship for me is easy. No problems that I see.

[WaitingForBardot]

I think that women would be taken aback by that. Guys are more ready for the physical stuff anytime, unless he is really not attracted to her.

 

In my mind. Even with my female friends observing them, none of them are the type to just start sleeping with anyone or jumping into bed right away.

No doubt some are, but my experiences have been the opposite of yours. Most of my long-term relationships started with first-date sex and the girls/women in question did not need convincing... ..lol..

[WaitingForBardot]

.

Though if their intention is to form a relationship with a guy they are crazy about and a connection is made, then why would they not want to jump into bed with him or at least get somewhat physical with him?

 

All very well friends first, and that can work for some, but in the process, it can also extinguish any passion and once the passion is lost it may be difficult to fan back into life.

I've mentioned this very point in other posts here. There are in fact brain imaging studies that have shown that the neural pathways forged during the throes of early passion are important in maintaining long-term connections with romantic partners.

 

...and if I may wax metaphorical... One doesn't start a fire by fanning the flames occassionally, it requires consistent application and continuity of fanning until the fire becomes self sustaining.

[WaitingForBardot]

I see your point, but for me. I have always gone slow. There is not straight to the bed thing for me. I would not even think about sleeping with the woman, unless she is my GF and even then. I don't want any oops kids, so everything has to be talked out for me.

 

/..snip../

While I have never gone slow, I have never had sex with a girl/woman that I didn't see as a viable romantic prospect at that moment, so were not that different in that regard. I just don't see why things like kids, etc, can't be talked about while your actually trying to have a relationship.

[WaitingForBardot]

As the famous line from Ashford & Simpson goes, "You can't be nobodys lover, til you're somebodys friend". L)

 

 

But on a serious note. The problem you will/might run into is you will get into a relationship and after the initial honeymoon phase you realize that you are stuck with someone who has very little in common with you and you don't really like hanging out with. and then you're screwed.

Except you aren't stuck/screwed anymore than if you were simply pussyfooting around, dating, and taking it slow. I've had relationships not work out, it sucks, but I don't see how it would suck any more than if we had been taking it slow. Breaking up just sucks regardless of how you find yourself at that point.

[Mysterio]

This is how it works from me romantically.

 

I see the woman that I like. I make hr aquaintance and interact with her. Depending on how she is with me. I usually ask her out for lunch.

 

What Is missing for me is that I don't know hr status. So I am asking out women blind to their personal status, with out verifying if they are attached., until we actually go out. Its not like every woman I meet talks about their BF/Hubby all the time.

 

The woman from the gym. I asked her out for lunch in August. Until I told her I had a crush on her. She did not mention her husband once. Several months ago, she may hav mentioned it, Yet I think it went over my head, as I though she may have told a white lie when we talked a while ago. In all my interactions with her. Not once was the husband mentioned.

 

I was really semi sad that she was single. I just don't find the average woman sweet and chill for the most part. They usually come off as a bit uppity. Be it me or whoever is trying to date them.

 

I still feel like its not so much me. Its my social environment. I am 46. My age range is most likley 34 to 50. I feel like I have to really let the universe bring me and the woman that I am supposed to be with or at least something workable. I have to actually let go from being the driving force.

 

Yet I guess I have that fear of not having any possible romantic relationship. If I look at my life. Its not that I have had nothing. Its just that its never been ideal. Me to them. Them to me.

[elaine567]

This is how it works from me romantically.

 

I see the woman that I like. I make hr aquaintance and interact with her. Depending on how she is with me. I usually ask her out for lunch.

 

What Is missing for me is that I don't know hr status. So I am asking out women blind to their personal status, with out verifying if they are attached., until we actually go out. Its not like every woman I meet talks about their BF/Hubby all the time.

 

The woman from the gym. I asked her out for lunch in August. Until I told her I had a crush on her. She did not mention her husband once. Several months ago, she may hav mentioned it, Yet I think it went over my head, as I though she may have told a white lie when we talked a while ago. In all my interactions with her. Not once was the husband mentioned.

 

I was really semi sad that she was single. I just don't find the average woman sweet and chill for the most part. They usually come off as a bit uppity. Be it me or whoever is trying to date them.

 

I still feel like its not so much me. Its my social environment. I am 46. My age range is most likley 34 to 50. I feel like I have to really let the universe bring me and the woman that I am supposed to be with or at least something workable. I have to actually let go from being the driving force.

 

OK but this all sounds too laissez faire.

YOU did not even know the woman's marital status, before you asked her out. Why did you not make it your business to find out FOR CERTAIN before you developed this crush and finally plucked up the courage to ask her out?

All very well adopting a "leave it all to fate" attitude but you still need to do your homework, else it is a complete waste of your time, hankering after married/attached women.

[todreaminblue]

i have always been long term friends with past partners....so i basically know who they are and what they believe in.....how they treat me.....so relationships naturally form pretty quickly....with my ex ....the real first date we had was me meeting his mum.....who tucked my fringe behind my ear so she could see my face......took a necklace from her neck and put it around mine.....i guess she liked what she saw in my eyes.....

 

so i dont muck around and guys dont muck around with me i dont play games.... neither do their mums seem to mind when they meet me...........the guys know i am interested in them and they are interested in me....so relationships just happen...rather than dating.....its from friendship these relationships form.....i dont have relationships shorter than six months normally and that suits me...i find today's dating styles tedious.....too many games and high expectations of groping.....deb

[Mysterio]

When I asked her for Lunch. She said ok. It was at her work and then we had lunch and I asked her in the first 10 minutes. I find it interesting that she never talked about her husband at all. Not anytime we were at the gym.

 

Some women are different. Some come out right away and state their status in conversation. Some don't. I don't understand why keep it a secret. I only see her sparingly. She did not wear a wedding ring.

 

A lot of women I know for some reason never really state their status. Others its right there.

[GemmaUK]

When I asked her for Lunch. She said ok. It was at her work and then we had lunch and I asked her in the first 10 minutes. I find it interesting that she never talked about her husband at all. Not anytime we were at the gym.

 

Some women are different. Some come out right away and state their status in conversation. Some don't. I don't understand why keep it a secret. I only see her sparingly. She did not wear a wedding ring.

 

A lot of women I know for some reason never really state their status. Others its right there.

 

There is no need to share status until there is a need.

She didn't need to share hers until you told her you had a crush on her - at which point there was a need.

She wasn't keeping it a secret, she simply had no need to state it any sooner as she assumed you were just a friend.

 

As Elaine said, if you befriend and go slow as you say you do then it would make sense to ask if a woman is attached early on.

[elaine567]

There is no need to share status until there is a need.

She didn't need to share hers until you told her you had a crush on her - at which point there was a need.

She wasn't keeping it a secret, she simply had no need to state it any sooner as she assumed you were just a friend.

 

Agreed.

Sometimes bringing up husbands or bfs can be seen as putting up a wall.

It can say "I know you find me attractive but I am not interested, I have a bf, so back off" and that can alter the "friend" dynamic.

It brings "sex" into the equation, and some women prefer to leave even the mere hint of the possibility or not of "sex" out of friendships all together.

 

Some women also want to be seen as people in their own right and do not want to be seen as Mrs Johnston, an appendage of Mr Johnston.

Her marital status can also change the focus and topic of conversation too, "What did you do at the weekend?" can become "What did you and your husband do at the week end?" or even just "What did your husband do at the weekend, did HE go to the game?"...

[GemmaUK]

Some women also want to be seen as people in their own right and do not want to be seen as Mrs Johnston, an appendage of Mr Johnston.

 

Yes.

I'm not suddenly not a human being in my own right just because I might be in a relationship.

Unless I become aware that a man is interested in a romantic way in me then I will treat him as a friend. If I find out he has a crush I will be upfront about my relationship - just as this woman did.