Pressure and Under Pressure

[Tutalion]

Good morning,

 

I would love to get some perspective on this. I met and started dating my wife less than two years ago. Currently, we haven’t had sex in over a month. When I asked her about it, she says she feels pressured. This is the situation, now I will tell you what got us there.

 

After our first date we started having sex. I didn’t live in the same city at the time, but I moved there shortly afterwards for a job. Meeting someone was definitely a nice incentive too! So we were having sex all the time. I’m aware after the honey moon phase of dating there is a drop off and it happened. It dropped to about three time a week. Our first date was in April, now fast forward to Valentine’s Day. We both got each other these boxes to put Valentine’s Day cards in with I owe You’s. Just a fun thing we thought of. A few of mine were sexually related and I noticed that she wasn’t happy about it. Up until this point sex had been a big part of our lives. Initially, she told me that she thought her sex drive had dropped until she met me. We stayed having sex about once a week after that and then kind of stopped. It’s rare now and I tell myself that it’s okay;however, anxieties pop into my head. Like “what if she doesn’t feel emotionally supported, am I unattractive to her now, etc.” So I ask her all these things, because I’m so happy we are open and communicative. It was a weird transition to me to go from a lot to not a lot so fast.

 

I’m very open and so is she. I love to communicate and talk about our love languages. However, when I talk about this subject she feels more pressure. She assumes I always want sex now. Recently, she has even said the way I kiss makes her feel pressured. I just want to know that she’s okay!

 

I’m in no way trying to make my wife the bad guy here. I love her so much and literally think about her 98% of my day. She is incredibly smart, beautiful, open, and the most caring human you will ever meet. I could go the rest of my life and never have sex again as long as she was with me; however, I would still have these anxieties. I just want to make sure we have a strong relationship.

 

So any other similar stories, advice, or tips would be appreciated.

[scatteredmusician]

I’m sorry this is such a problem in your fairly new marriage. She did mention that she felt her sex drive had dropped before she met you so this isn’t new territory for her. You sound like a wonderful and caring husband and I would say to keep pursuing her always, though you may not want to use overtly sexual terms for a while. Bottom line, her feelings are directly impacted by hormonal balances/imbalances and she may want to check that out with a doctor. Jointly, you two may want to see a marriage counselor so that you can get some common understanding and be united in your effort to strengthen your marriage. Best wishes to you.

[KatrinaR]

I could be completely wrong, but my initial reaction is that your anxieties compound the problem. She feels "pressured." She should never feel pressured. Sex should be a natural extension of your mutual love for one another. If she actually feels pressured, then I suspect your anxieties exacerbated that problem and it feeds on itself in a cyclical pattern that could be hard to break. If you can, try to take a step back and look at your relationship like a stranger might if he were able to watch your lives like TV show without the emotion of being one in the relationship. What would you see? It's hard to do, no doubt, but if you can look objectively, it might help you understand more and you could help yourself and her. Bottom line I think you have to try to understand why she feels pressured and try to remove those pressures along with your anxieties. Hope this helps somewhat.

[standtall]

If you guys are in your twenties, you are in for a long...sexless...marriage. There are very few success stories in this situation on this forum.

[loveletter56]

Have you tried asking her why she feels pressured and is there anything you can do to help?

 

I also suggest trying things like naked cuddles and kissing but with no expectation. You are just 2 naked people who are not expecting to have sex. If you both enjoy doing this, and keep doing it, it can lead to other activities as the pressure reduces.

[TheWoman]

I'm sorry to say this but I think you got married too quick. You don't really know a person and how deep their regard for you is until I would say at least 3 years after meeting. To be safe i would recommend 5 years before marriage minimum. This is what she is really like and how she really feels about you sexually. After 2 years, there is no getting back the magic, this is what it is, like it or leave it.

[A1135]

Yep the old "I am feeling pressured" been an ongoing thing in my relationship, I try she says she feels pressure, I back off she says I am not affectionate enough... And so on.

 

We have had years of trying to get the balance right, not sure you ever really can.

 

One thing I have worked out is that it is a sliding scale, for instance my wife said that I was going straight to a 10 when kissing, she wanted a 3, explained and showed me several times what she thinks a 3 is. I then consistently start at a 3, she then says sometimes it's a 1 and sometimes it's a 10. Point is her scale shifts depending on how she is feeling, makes the whole getting the balance thing impossible!!!

 

Good luck, but as you have no kids, I would be thinking about leaving, it's a bloody hard way to live your life