Pressure and Under Pressure

[Tutalion]

I would like to start off by saying my wife is incredibly caring, smart, beautiful, and I am beyond happy with our marriage. That being stated, I’m sure everyone has different anxieties. Here is the situation. Currently, my wife and I haven’t had sex in over a month and very sparingly before that. She says that she feels pressured and the last thing I want to do is pressure her. Now that the situation is stated I’ll jump to the build up.

 

My wife and I started dating 04/09/16. After the first date we started having sex all the time. These encounters were mostly initiated by her. I would initiate a few because she said she liked that. I knew the honey moon phase would end and it did. We started having sex three times a week instead of what we were doing before. Around Valentine’s Day I learned that she felt pressured. We had made little Valentine’s Day boxes that we put “I Owe Yous” in. I had a few sexual ones and she didn’t seem happy. This was a bit of a shock for me. Up until this day sex was a big part of our life. She told me that meeting me revived her libido and she loved that she was with someone she was sexually attracted to. So on Valentine’s Day I learned that she felt pressured to have sex. That was never my intention, but if she feels that way then I probably did something. After that we were having sex one day a week and fast forward to now we have it once a month or once every two or three weeks.

 

I pride myself on how open and communicative our realtionship is. We talk about our love languages and everything else. We have a solid realtionship! This on aspect of the relationship concerns me, mostly because of anxiety. She feels more pressure when we talk about it and even says I kiss her in a way that makes her feel pressured. So I’m adjusting to sweet pecks and not the long kisses we used to have. I worry that something else is wrong, that I’m not attractive to her anymore, or that I’m not supporting her emotionally. When I should probably just accept she’s feeling pressured and I need to adjust. I could go the rest of my life without sex, as long as I’m with her. She’s very short on the subject, but she says “ I just feel pressured.”

 

Any advice, similar stories, or tips would be appreciated!

[d0nnivain]

How long have you been married? It can't have been that long Barely more than a year ago you met. You had sex all the time. The sex dwindled. Somewhere in there you got married & now it's almost non-existent. Seems like a bait & switch to me. You two really need to get on the same page. It's completely unfair of her to say that long romantic kisses make her feel pressured when before they used to turn her on. Something else is at play here.

[GorillaTheater]

Beware, because this kind of dynamic can become a death spiral: she feels pressured (rightly or wrongly, it ultimately doesn't matter much), you get insecure and a bit needy, and she feels even more pressured and less attracted, making you feel even worse, and on down into the Pit.

 

 

I've been married for nearly 33 years. Sometimes I think I've gotten more wrong than I have right, but one thing I've learned, and I'm pretty sure is generally if not quite universally true, is that the more your focus is on getting laid, the less likely you'll get lucky.

 

 

Instead of working on getting sex, work on improving you. It doesn't matter how much you rock, there's always room for improvement. Fitness, finances, learning something new, becoming emotionally steady, whatever it may be for you. Don't hide your sexual desire, just don't dwell on it. For example: go in for a long kiss, smile, and walk away to do something else.

 

 

Your wife will either respond or she won't. Even if she does, it may take a while. Oftentimes trust = lust, and if she's doesn't trust you (not to say she thinks you're fooling around, I'm talking about trust in a much broader framework), it's going to take a while to build that trust. If she doesn't respond, you've learned something painful but useful. You two may never be sexually compatible, there may NOT be a solution. But if you're working on you, you'll understand that while perhaps painful, you have options to deal with a marriage that doesn't work for you.

 

 

ETA: I could probably sum up the above with this: be (or become) the prize, either for your wife or a future woman if she declines.

Edited November 7, 2017 by GorillaTheater

[GoldenR]

Wow....this sounds so familiar...

 

First thing you need to do: make sure she isn't getting it anywhere else.

 

Putting the notes in the chocolate was cute. It shouldn't have turned her off. Sex is a HUGE part of marriage. Her saying she feels pressured to have sex with her husband is very disturbing bc it's what she signed up for when she married you. Sure, she's allowed to say no. But if she's never saying yes, then there's a big problem that is squarely on her shoulders, NOT YOURS.

 

You could improve yourself in every freaking way possible there is and I guarantee you still wouldn't get laid. I've seen this too many times.

 

But again, first things first. Make sure her needs aren't being met elsewhere. Get some VARs, check phone bills.

[basil67]

Problems in the bedroom can often stem from problems outside the bedroom.

 

What's your marriage like in general? Is your marriage strong and well balanced? Do the two of you feel valued by each other? Do you always treat each other with respect? Or are there 'ups and downs' and unfortunate glitches?

 

Is she happy with having no sex, or is she confused and disappointed with her sex drive?

[Tutalion]

I don’t think she’s cheating on me because the timeline wouldn’t make sense. Also, we are very much in love. It’s just this one area we’ve had issues. We have been married since March. She assures me nothing outside of the bedroom is an issue. I have to believe her, because I’ve seen nothing but that. We have been married since March. I’ve read multiple places that bringing it up isn’t the best idea because it fuels everything. Thank you all so much for the feedback.

[avvril3000]

Sorry I can’t get over the fact that you guys have been together barely more than a year and you are married?! I just can’t understand that. You are at the beginning of really knowing Eachother .... I understand your concern but you guys didn’t even let yourselves relaxninto realmlife mode (not honeymoon mode) before getting married.

[GoldenR]

OK...with cheating eliminated, I'll just say that the problem is on her, not you.

 

It's NORMAL for a newlywed to want sex from their partner. It's not normal for a newlywed wife to not want sex from her husband.

 

If this isn't fixed on her end, this marriage won't last long.

[BetrayedH]

I could go the rest of my life without sex, as long as I’m with her.

 

Good, ‘cause that’s where this is headed.

[Tutalion]

I know it was fast and we were very aware of that. We talk a lot and really immersed ourselves in each other’s lives. We love each other very much and I think it’s more of my anxiety. Thank you all so much!

[anika99]

Well good luck in your soon to be sexless marriage. She has you stuck in a no win situation. If you initiate sex she feels pressured. If you kiss her a little to long or a little too deeply she feels pressured. If you want to discuss the problem she feels pressured. She is training you to not only accept this dismal sex life but to also keep your mouth shut and never complain. She used sex to lure you in and now that you're married she's taking sex off the menu. This is why it's a bad idea to marry in the first year of a relationship. As long as you accept this she won't change. I think you should insist on counseling.

[S2B]

She's mean! Seriously? You get married and suddenly want no sex? I don't believe her. You shouldn't either!

 

She pulled a power move! If she plans for sex to be minimal she should have told you BEFORE she married you!

 

Divorce her if her actions don't match her words.

 

A woman in love (especially a just married gal) really WANTS sex from her new husband.

 

Since she doesn't then you can only expect it to get worse.

 

Give her the talk...either she matches her actions with her words or she gets to be single again.

 

I think she's a liar - she's not telling you everything.. OR she pretended to be someone she's not in order to get you to just marry her knowing she had no intention of providing her role as a true wife who's loving and kind.

 

 

Know this for sure = she is damn selfish to her core! Stop being so nice to her when she's using you.

[d0nnivain]

You may love her but she doesn't love you. If she did love you she'd be willing to talk about this; she wouldn't complain that you are pressuring her when you try for a kiss & she'd be working like a dog to figure out what happened to her libido not trying to gaslight you into believing this is your fault.

[Ronnie33]

The "feeling pressured" is an excuse. I can see this happening after years, and Kids, blah blah, by a year? No. She's using it an an excuse because she just doesn't want to have sex. Assuming everything you say is true and your marrriage is good otherwise, she probably never really loved sex but because you guys got married so fast, she was able to hide it. Now that you are married, she feels she doesn't need pretend.

 

I have a friend who is beautiful, she really is. she dated a lot of men before she got married. She never liked sex, never. It was never a big deal do her and she never had a desire. When she was engaged her fiancé was telling my ex and I that they only have sex once a week. He loved her, married her and they now have two kids. You know what the buggiest problem in their marriage has always been? Yep, sex.

 

If it's like this now, it won't get better.

[BarbedFenceRider]

Another security blanket for a woman. I agree with most others here, not good. How old are you guys? And what was the dynamic when you guys met? Friends and family? These could give insight into probable behaviors.

[KatrinaR]

Beware, because this kind of dynamic can become a death spiral: she feels pressured (rightly or wrongly, it ultimately doesn't matter much), you get insecure and a bit needy, and she feels even more pressured and less attracted, making you feel even worse, and on down into the Pit.

 

 

I've been married for nearly 33 years. Sometimes I think I've gotten more wrong than I have right, but one thing I've learned, and I'm pretty sure is generally if not quite universally true, is that the more your focus is on getting laid, the less likely you'll get lucky.

 

 

Instead of working on getting sex, work on improving you. It doesn't matter how much you rock, there's always room for improvement. Fitness, finances, learning something new, becoming emotionally steady, whatever it may be for you. Don't hide your sexual desire, just don't dwell on it. For example: go in for a long kiss, smile, and walk away to do something else.

 

 

Your wife will either respond or she won't. Even if she does, it may take a while. Oftentimes trust = lust, and if she's doesn't trust you (not to say she thinks you're fooling around, I'm talking about trust in a much broader framework), it's going to take a while to build that trust. If she doesn't respond, you've learned something painful but useful. You two may never be sexually compatible, there may NOT be a solution. But if you're working on you, you'll understand that while perhaps painful, you have options to deal with a marriage that doesn't work for you.

 

 

ETA: I could probably sum up the above with this: be (or become) the prize, either for your wife or a future woman if she declines.

 

 

Good stuff. Well said!

[S2B]

One thing is for certain - you can't nice her back into having sex with you.

 

She doesn't respect you - if she did - she would be doing everything in her power to please you and make sure you're happy.

 

She self absorbed and selfish to the point where she thinks "way too much" about herself and the way she feels.

 

Remind her marriage is about thinking of your spouse.

 

Tell if she intends to continue thinking only of herself then your plan is to make her single again.

 

 

She also thinks that all that chatter and "talk" you two do is enough...or should be enough for you. Tell her "less talk and more action". You're not a girlfriend - you're her husband!