Engaged but he said he won't marry me until I can be "normal", threatens relationship

[sirlol]

First time poster, please be gentle. I am reaching out because I have been in what seems like a nonstop cycle of arguments with my fiancé. It seems that I can do nothing right.

 

The problem really stems from a consistent need to travel. I travel quite a bit for work. He feels alone when i am gone and complains about it. So, for example, yesterday i was 2 hours out of town and i drive there in the morning and returned for dinner. I could have stayed in a hotel and rested but i wanted to have a nice dinner with him.

 

So, i told him so. When i got home around 8 he immediately screamed at me because i had forgotten to bring the dog food he had just purchased a few days ago.

 

I told him it wasn’t a big deal. He insisted it was. I apologized and i didn’t yell or confront him about his attitude. I kept the peace.

 

We went to dinner. It was fine. But as we were leaving he said his favorite pair of reading glasses were at his office. He wanted to go get them. Why? I don’t know. He had a pair but he said they weren’t great.

 

So it’s now 9 o’clock or later and we drive 15 minutes to the office and he says he forgot the keys. I said “come on. I’m tired and now you forgot the keys?” He said God, you are just non stop difficult aren’t you? Nothing makes you happy. He mentioned that during this drive he had a comedian on and i wasn’t laughing.

 

He started screaming at me and said he was sick of living with me being so irritable and in a bad mood.

 

I had 2 glasses of wine at Dinner. He said that i shouldn’t drink because it makes me worse and then said maybe I’m an alcoholic.

 

When we got home he said “i am sick if this. I’m done with this!” I turned around and went for the door. He told me if i walked out i wouldn’t be welcomed back.

 

I didn’t go. But he said that I’m not right. My behavior isn’t right. That I’m impossible to please. I said i just want a normal life with a man who wants to be kind and loving and that i drove all that way and even paid for the dinner and didn’t deserve this.

 

I mentioned that my friends have their spouses take them on trips and i am paying to be screamed at after driving 2 hours home?

 

He said maybe you would get that treatment if you acted normal and didn’t fight all the time.

 

I said you don’t want to marry me... he said it’s his “goal to marry me but he wants to see stability from me”.

 

I cried myself to sleep and he was very angry that i wouldn’t talk to him. I said i need to just be with my own thoughts and he said that behavior only pushes him away. And he definitely won’t marry someone who won’t communicate.

 

**tl/drPlease tell me if i am the problem here and what I should think… I honestly want to just tell him that I need a wedding date that I need plans I need to see forward motion not constant threats on the relationship.

 

He had told me that we would be married by the end of this year. Obviously that’s not happening. He has a lot of work/money problems so he uses that as an excuse.**

[RecentChange]

Half of all marriages fail.

 

You two do not have good communication skills. Do not have conflict resolution skills. Seem to lack some life style compatibility. Argue too often over extremely petty things....

 

Why do you want to get married and make this a permanent and financially binding situation?

 

Why do you think you two have what it takes to beat the odds and stay married until death shall part you?

 

Sorry to sound harsh, but in my opinion, a couple should feel like things are PERFECT. That life together just couldn't be easier before they consider marriage - because marriage is a test. You will have hardships, there will be low points, and only couples who REALLY WANT IT, and have the SKILLS to make a marriage work survive those tests.

 

I don't see that you two have the skills to make it last - silent treatment? Bad idea, never works. You two have to talk through conflicts as friends. Use empathy and compassion. A marriage should be you two against the world - partners in every sense.

 

Instead you bicker, fight, and do not communicate effectively.

 

I think a marriage this point would be a huge mistake.

[GorillaTheater]

Maybe you're a real pain in the ass, I don't know, but your post paints a portrait of your fiancée that sure isn't too flattering. The guy sounds like a abusive jerk, and this is some first-rate manipulative behavior:

 

 

When we got home he said “i am sick if this. I’m done with this!” I turned around and went for the door. He told me if i walked out i wouldn’t be welcomed back.

 

 

At a minimum, I'd put off setting a wedding date until he can be "normal". Whatever normal may be, this isn't it. And it wouldn't necessarily be an over-reaction on your part to tell this guy to go piss up a rope.

 

 

I'm curious to see whether you come back and say that he really isn't that bad; that he's really a good guy. Too late, we already dislike this guy.

[sirlol]

No, he's honestly not the nicest to me anymore and I think he carries resentment over a lot of things that he blames me for...

 

He lashes out at me a lot and threatening the relationship is not uncommon for him.

 

I don't think I gave him the silent treatment -- I just wanted a break from the fight and I needed to cry. He HATES why I cry and says things like "why are you with me...if this is how it's going to be...crying..."

 

I'll ask him to please be nice and he says he IS nice, it's just that he speaks the truth and I don't like to hear truth.

[RecentChange]

says things like "why are you with me...if this is how it's going to be...crying...".

 

I agree with him. Why are you with him? How does he make you feel about yourself and life?

 

Why do you want to marry him?