Ex Dumper Angry I am trying to move on?!

[outlandish]

Quick update - she continued months after this to call me when it suited her but still left me blocked from calling her. She said she would call me on her duaghters birthday to wish her a happy birthday, she didnt. No call on Valentines day either but of course, I did not expect her to and rightly shouldnt after she left me a while back now.

 

Conversations were friendly, talking about general things and reflecting on our past together. No mentione of getting back together, the one time I did she said "you never know what will happen in the future". She did say we could be friends and that she wants to be single, fair enough. I just think she should not have been contacting me in that case after dumping me and knowing I wanted her back so badly - I guess partly my fault for answering calls so I started to ignore them.

 

I have met someone knew and she is a completely different (in a good way) woman with so much more to offer. The dumper ex must have saw a photo of us on social media posted by a family member and tried to call / email me. I ignored her a while until she sent me a txt saying "congrats on your new gf", "I wish you well", "can I come and get my stuff" (she has some old clothes here). I told her I can send them to her if she wants them but she said dont worry it's OK, thank you for responding.

 

And that has been that for the past few weeks now!

 

Why would she wish me well and congratulate me on my new gf? I do wonder if it made her want me back but she didnt say anything to suggest so. Anyways, I am doing my very best to move on completely now, I have dreams that set me back and moments of intense pain missing her but I wasnt left with any choice really. I do wonder what would have happened if I did not meet someone else, would i just be hanging around sitting & waiting for her to call me, throw me a breadcrumb, keep me hanging, OR would she have eventually upped the anti - did I fight hard enough?

 

Any advice appreciated.

[basil67]

She wished you well with your new girlfriend because she's happy you've moved on and doesn't begrudge you a good life. She also hopes you do well with her and find she's a good fit for you.

[Young mind]

Mate, if you could rate your healing from the past breakup, what level will it be? 0%-10%?

 

Hope is a wonderful thing, but the illusion it creates in circumstances outside of our control leaves us in an abyss, you did hold on to false hope, you did enjoy your ex-gf writing you all those little messages, you were advised explicitly to block her, you still refused, because: HOPE!

 

You now have a new gf, but still hung up on the ex, how long will you continue this cycle?, do you really want your ex-gf out of the picture?, please genuinely answer that, if yes, start with NC, because previously you were in NC and decieieved yourself

[marky00]

There's nothing here to indicate that she misses you and wants you back. More likely, she was wondering how you're doing. Your cool reply reminded her that you want NC in order to heal, so she backed off.

 

If she wants you back, she'd start with something like "do you think we can try again?" or "I miss you and want you back"

 

Nah, she wanted him all broken and messed up. Since he was holding up ok, she wasn't able to suck any more life out of him so she pulled away.

 

I don't agree it was her simply just wanting to know how he was doing. She definitely wanted something, most likely an ego boost.

[marky00]

. My thinking is that if I dont reply it will make her realise if she wants me or not.

 

Maybe she was literally just asking if I am ok but to be honest why follow it up with "I can see you want to move on" if that was the case, you would just say "good to hear" or something along those lines.

 

Your correct with both of these statements.

 

NC is the only way she will figure out what she wants but during that time, keep doing you and look after yourself.

 

I totally agree her response indicates it wasn't a simple "hi, how are you". If it was, she would have simply said, "ok, i'm glad your well".

 

She's feeling something about the breakup, maybe confused you stopped begging and reality is setting in. Bear in mind however, that even with these feelings, its rare for the dumper to translate such feelings into a genuine desire for a reconciliation.

[marky00]

Agreed although my fear is that in not replying she will think that I have moved on and have no interest.

 

Stick to your guns and maintain NC. Unless she becomes direct and tells you exactly what's on your mind, NC is your best option.

[marky00]

 

Regarding you not wanting her to think that you've stopped caring.....Your cool reply text sent the message that you're moving on and don't care. She got the message loud and clear. If you want her to know that you care, don't send replies like that!

 

Wow, this is so off the mark.

 

The OP said "I'm good thanks, hope you are also" in response to a dumper's breadcrumbs.

 

That was a totally appropriate response, even if he does care for her. He's already tried getting her back by showing he cared but that just inflated her ego so he's backing off. That's exactly what he should have done.

 

You make it sound like his and her words should only be taken at face value yet its a totally different story when you read between the lines.

 

Looks like the ex gf was reading between the lines as well, given her odd reply. My bet is she knows the OP cares but was taken aback by him finally taking matters into his own hands and stopping to empower her.

[marky00]

What Basil67 said has got me confused as if to I said the right thing now! I really did not want to send the impression I dont care! I am worried now that I should have just been honest and straight up and told her how I really feel! Perhaps I will respond to her "I can see you want to move on" txt that I dont want to I want her and maybe as her what she wants?

 

You did the right thing. Trust me mate.

[marky00]

I quoted some posts from last year by accident

 

But I stick to the content, even though I should have written it in past tense.

 

As for the current state of affairs OP. I don't think your Ex is a nice person to be reaching out to be honest. She's just being selfish, reaching out for an ego boost and to relieve some guilt. Why can't a dumper just dump and walk away.

Edited March 16, 2018 by marky00

[marky00]

I ignored her a while until she sent me a txt saying "congrats on your new gf", "I wish you well", "can I come and get my stuff" (she has some old clothes here). I told her I can send them to her if she wants them but she said dont worry it's OK, thank you for responding.

 

 

That right there says it all. She just wanted a response, to know that you don't hate her.

 

All about relieving guilt. That was selfish of her to do that but it's standard dumper behavior.

[basil67]

All about relieving guilt. That was selfish of her to do that but it's standard dumper behavior.

 

Isn't it normal for a dumper to wish their ex well in their endeavours? I can't imagine wanting the ex to grieve forever. That would be seriously selfish.

[springy]

I have met someone knew and she is a completely different (in a good way) woman with so much more to offer. The dumper ex must have saw a photo of us on social media posted by a family member and tried to call / email me. I ignored her a while until she sent me a txt saying "congrats on your new gf", "I wish you well", "can I come and get my stuff" (she has some old clothes here). I told her I can send them to her if she wants them but she said dont worry it's OK, thank you for responding.

 

 

I think initially she was a little salty/jealous about the new gf NOT that it means she wants you back. I think she was a tad upset realizing she's potentially losing someone who was still fawning over her after all this time - losing her ego booster. I mean, why send that text at all...and suddenly wants her crappy old clothes back after all this time? Salty.

 

Seriously though, you have new gf now who you say is better than your ex so why are we still talking about ex? Why not block and leave her in the past so your new gf has a fair chance at becoming number one? It doesn't sound like your heart is free from ex to me...this is why complete nc is important after you realize your ex doesn't want you back. Now here you are trying to move on (I guess?) but still concerned about your ex...with a new gf in the picture. I'd hate to be with someone who had all that noise going on in their heart/head.

[stillafool]

OP, it is time to block your ex and put all of your concentration in your new relationship. If your ex wanted to get back together she would have told you so by now because you told her that is what you wanted. Show her she no longer has the upper hand over you by blocking her.

[marky00]

Isn't it normal for a dumper to wish their ex well in their endeavours? I can't imagine wanting the ex to grieve forever. That would be seriously selfish.

 

I don't think its normal although it can depend. In this case, it's only been 5 months or so and its sounds like it hasn't been all NC.

 

She was fishing before and she is fishing here again now. That's why she said she no longer needs the clothes.

 

When I have dumped someone, I leave them alone indefinitely. Mainly because when I was dumped, I healed the fastest when the dumper left me alone completely (the longer the better).

 

Wishing a dumpee well is all about the dumper. It serves no beneficial purpose to to the dumpee. It's like apology letters. Most of the time, an apology letter is for the benefit of the person making the apology.

 

As a dumper, if you truly want the best for the dumpee, you should just leave them alone indefinitely. Why risk confusing them in anyway with meaningless contact? Wish them well from a distance, no need to actually do it directly.

 

Maybe one day, the two of you may cross paths and be civil but the dumper shouldn't be forcing it, just so they can tick off another box.

[ikoro0003]

Lol, take the rose colored and ove colored glassesof ur eyes, and understand she left once, she will leave again. Go meet ur real soul mate and stop feeding her ego.

[zombi24]

I know this is a few months old but...

 

My ex did the same thing a few weeks after we broke up. I kind of implied that I wanted to just move on and she was short with me after that. She dumped me so it confused me.

 

She broke up with me the end of November, we haven't talked since January. So if all that meant she wanted me back, I have no idea, but I'm thinking probably not since she's made no effort to contact me in a few months.

 

She was probably just conflicted about dumping you that soon after, and when she saw you were slipping away she just wanted out of the conversation.

 

It means nothing until she says it means someting

[outlandish]

Another update; still with the new gf now for over 6 months and she’s wonderful, all I could ever ask for. Ex is still txting and I know I shouldn’t but I’m responding because I feel sorry for her and as ironic as it sounds with me being the dumpee, I don’t want her to hurt. She knows about my relationship now and seems like she hasn’t found what she left me looking for. Sad story really but I begged her back for months so had no choice but to move on.

[Normm]

Does your new girlfriend know about the continued contact between you and your ex?

 

 

Do you think it's fair to your new girlfriend that you are devoting efforts towards an ex who is supposed to not be part of your life by her own choosing?

[ThreeRainbows]

Does your new girlfriend know about the continued contact between you and your ex?

 

 

Do you think it's fair to your new girlfriend that you are devoting efforts towards an ex who is supposed to not be part of your life by her own choosing?

 

 

 

 

This. You are risking your new relationship big time.

[guest569]

Another update; still with the new gf now for over 6 months and she’s wonderful, all I could ever ask for. Ex is still txting and I know I shouldn’t but I’m responding because I feel sorry for her and as ironic as it sounds with me being the dumpee, I don’t want her to hurt. She knows about my relationship now and seems like she hasn’t found what she left me looking for. Sad story really but I begged her back for months so had no choice but to move on.

 

It sounds like you're not over your ex in the slightest. You still have a little hope and like it when she texts you. Time to cut her off.

 

I have to say it also seems like you didn't reflect truthfully on your past relationship. In your view, your ex was silly and crazy and left for no reason because you're perfect and werr so good to her.

Edited July 27, 2018 by smiley1

[marky00]

Does your new girlfriend know about the continued contact between you and your ex?

 

 

Do you think it's fair to your new girlfriend that you are devoting efforts towards an ex who is supposed to not be part of your life by her own choosing?

 

I don't see it as a big issue. He has a past and that past includes a crazy ex. If keeping LC with his ex boosts his ego and helps him ween off her for good, I don't think it's a problem.

 

When you get dumped by someone you really liked (which happened to the OP), that can put skeletons in the closet for years. NS is definitely a useful tool but i'm not convinced it leads to complete healing. Who knows, maybe keeping in some limited contact with his Ex might just lead to complete healing. He said he feels sorry for her so it sounds like the contact might actually be helping him get over her.

[marky00]

I have to say it also seems like you didn't reflect truthfully on your past relationship. In your view, your ex was silly and crazy and left for no reason because you're perfect and werr so good to her.

 

In fairness when u get heart broken, its pretty normal to maybe not be as "nice" and "idealistic" in future relationships. When someone you love dumps you and walks away easily it's understandable that could change your mindset somewhat.

 

I definately changed after being dumped. I'm not on a mission to be an arse clown but I'm more likely to look after no1 (me).

 

He may have been perfect in his old relationship. I'm sure he made mistakes but it sounds like he was definitely faithful. But when your doing the right things and u still get screwed over, makes you wonder if doing the "right thing" is actually worth it.

 

It can take a year or 2 to fully shake that mentality.

Edited July 27, 2018 by marky00

[basil67]

Another update; still with the new gf now for over 6 months and she’s wonderful, all I could ever ask for. Ex is still txting and I know I shouldn’t but I’m responding because I feel sorry for her and as ironic as it sounds with me being the dumpee, I don’t want her to hurt. She knows about my relationship now and seems like she hasn’t found what she left me looking for. Sad story really but I begged her back for months so had no choice but to move on.

 

That's really sad. You're risking your current relationship for someone who didn't want you.

 

She's sad? Well tough luck. Suck it up sweetheart.

[guest569]

In fairness when u get heart broken, its pretty normal to maybe not be as "nice" and "idealistic" in future relationships. When someone you love dumps you and walks away easily it's understandable that could change your mindset somewhat.

 

I definately changed after being dumped. I'm not on a mission to be an arse clown but I'm more likely to look after no1 (me).

 

He may have been perfect in his old relationship. I'm sure he made mistakes but it sounds like he was definitely faithful. But when your doing the right things and u still get screwed over, makes you wonder if doing the "right thing" is actually worth it.

 

It can take a year or 2 to fully shake that mentality.

 

I don't think this is what he is doing. He is just hung up on someone and still has feelings for her while with someone new. Is texting the ex.

 

I've been heartbroken a few times but it hasn't turned me into a nasty person in subsequent relationships (again, this is NOT OP). Have you tried therapy? Anyway let's see what OP thinks.

[guest569]

That's really sad. You're risking your current relationship for someone who didn't want you.

 

She's sad? Well tough luck. Suck it up sweetheart.

 

Yes it's not something that you should be helping her with as an ex. Particularly given that you were (are?) hung up on her for so long. Refer her to a help line and leave her to it. I think that continuing this relationship with her will just make her sadder in the long wrong and potentially your new girlfriend too..