escapefantasy Posted November 7, 2017 Share Posted November 7, 2017 Long update Im sorry I was doing really good 9 months no contact. Changed my whole life looked deep within my self to change and find out why I let my self go down the wrong road and why I lost my self esteem to be so little when I was so strong 10 years ago. I told my husband of over 20 years Im done with his verbal abuse and our children will not be in this environment any more. That was 7 months ago. We have been separated but living in the same home with peace. We are raising our children on the same page better then ever before. Once I told him the truth of how I felt it was like a huge bomb was disengaged. He is my best friend but romantically and emotionally I dont think I could ever trust him again. He knows this after 2 attempts in marriage counseling since I was honest with him. I have seeked out counselling on my own also agreed to take Anxiety meds I didnt think would help but yes they cleared the fog for me to think clearly. I quit a career I was telling my self everyday I loved its good money so what if my boss fills me with anxiety to the point I cant function. So I upped and left on good graces. Found a career I love, less money but my health is better then ever and my children are much happier with the way things are now thats the most important. I worked my butt off with my husband paid all our dept off and we are building our credit to perfect standings. We agreed this has to be done for both of us before we separate so we can both provide the best for the kids. I changed my routine, shopping times and places, even the gym I go to every day, Contacted old friends I lost over the years in my fog and in doing so made a lot of new friends too. I made a new life to leave the old one and starting to enjoy it fully. Then I realized exmm was in my thoughts everyday still but there were longer blocks of time between the thoughts. I was 9 months no contact. I had heard mutual friends in convo over the months talking about the trips him and his W were taking the large expensive items he was buying he cant possibly afford and how hes working unhumanly healthy hours for more money. I just thought to my self over the months I dont want a relationship like that and kept working hard for the opposite for what was best for my family. I was moving on slowly but better and better each day. Then exmm at 9 months no contact found me at my most safest place I feel my new gym. So I talked to him. Asked him why he was there in the parking lot he said he was passing by saw me. Lie one I watched him drive by slow looking for my car. He asked how I was anything new I said nope not really. He then went on about himself what hes bought (to enjoy with his wife) and how hes working so many hours. I thought to my self I dont care what your doing with or for her. I used to get really jealous now I see a superficial coward trying to fill a void in himself with things and as long as his wife is having money spent on her she was happy. He also told me hes been waiting for me to come to him for months. I said you told me you would find me I left it at that. I dont know what came over me but I asked if he missed me thought about me he said "we had some good times" so my first thought so all the times you told me it was more then just sex he cared and wished a life with me my gut was right all those years that I ignored it was just the sex. I then was bold and asked him if hes happy he gave me his reg response "Im always a happy guy" his sluff off I know too well. So I pined it down said not what I asked are you happy with your life? He did something so odd he looked away from me looked down hesitated and with a low voice so diff then the rest of the convo said yyyyyy ----- yes- yep- sure. this made me so mad I felt he was a coward a lair more to himself then anyone else. I then in a very calm manner said the things I have repeated to my self and wanted to say for months. I told him how his W was so low to target my children with messages (we never had a d day he ran when she asked if he was in an affair. Our A was 4.5 years by then) I told him she couldnt get to me so she took it out on my kids and I also told him he was lucky when that happen my husband or I didnt go knocking on his door. He claims to not know any of that, I said of course she manipulates and lies to you as much as you do to her. He never defended her or anything I said never told me once I was wrong. I started to walk away and he says I will call you this week. I was steaming by then and caught off guard I just responded ya what ever. ( I knew it was another lie or he would be to much of a cowered to call) So this encounter sent me back to the early days obsessing wondering why after 9 months and hes "happy" Im in no way a part of his life for this "happy" did he find me again? I went on with my reg everyday life mad and confused but was much easier to cope this time. He never called. Then 1 month later I stop at a gas station for water had to park my car out in the open as it was busy. In the store I see his car pull up and wait in gas line not even 20 feet from my car beside it WTH? I see him looking for me in the store. I walk out get in my car he watches me. I then think you cowered again. I roll my window down and look right at his car now were driver widows to each other maybe 15 feet between us. He sits back looks straight ahead and wont even move leaves his window up. So I drive off right behind his car and leave. He was there on purpose this I know he never gets gas there most expensive place in the city. He saw my car and stopped. So why? Why bother if you cant even have enough courage to speak to me or acknowledge me. Why is he popping up again? His life is great so he says why? I was doing so good now hes in my head again and I hate it. Does he miss me? Just the sex? The talking all day? etc so many whys in my head now. After the gas station does he hate me? afraid of me? Does he hate Im moving on? what does seeing me do for him but not acknowledge me? why why why Is he trying to play me to come to him. I didnt when he ran why would I now? Why when I was doing so good and feeling better is he playing these games. I guess I just needed to vent and ask all of you if you had an ex do this to you and if you know why. Thanks for reading Remember everyone here says its better with time I didnt believe them but its the truth. Link to post Share on other sites
BTDT2012 Posted November 7, 2017 Share Posted November 7, 2017 His reasons don't matter. What matters is that you do't allow him to suck you in again. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted November 7, 2017 Share Posted November 7, 2017 He's testing the waters, to see if he can get to you again... and it sounds like he did. Congratulations on all the positive changes you've made in your life this year. Don't throw it all away now... 3 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted November 8, 2017 Share Posted November 8, 2017 He wants to see if your up for it again. To see if he still gets under your skin and it sounds like he does. Don't you ever reflect on the fact that your affair, your actions caused her to go for your children? She didn't play fair in going after your kids ... You didn't play fair in having an affair with her husband. Your kids are innocent and so is she. You need to take 100% of the responsibility for whatever she did where your children are concerned. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Overtaxed Posted November 8, 2017 Share Posted November 8, 2017 Because it's much easier to sleep with someone you've already slept with before than it is to sleep with someone new and he's horny. Yes, it really is that simple. Sorry, but I suspect this has about nothing to do with you, and everything to do with his desire for an "easy lay". 1 Link to post Share on other sites
wmacbride Posted November 8, 2017 Share Posted November 8, 2017 How did this guy find your new gym? How did he even know where to look for you? Link to post Share on other sites
grassisorisntgreener Posted November 8, 2017 Share Posted November 8, 2017 You have done amazing!! F that guy! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author escapefantasy Posted November 9, 2017 Author Share Posted November 9, 2017 Thank you everyone it's been a while since I have come back on here I was doing so good. He must keep tabs on me through mutual people even if you try to stay low and no contact isn't it true if someone wants to know about you they will somehow? I thought he was gone I was moving on. But now he's in my head even more I'm guessing what he wanted all along. Is it true if someone notices you moving on they do things to make you go back to missing them? Even if it's just a mind game for them? I won't contact him even if I have very weak moments and have had so many of them over the last 10 months I try to distract my self like I did before. I'm just so mad he's playing these games and so mad and hurt that he thinks I would be the easy lay. He did nothing but dig up my hurt that for so long it was a lie even when he would convince me it wasn't that I truly was just an easy lay. I'm more mad he dug up those feelings in me that I was so low with self esteem I let him play with my emotions I let him treat me as worthless. I was the one who allowed it. This hurts Link to post Share on other sites
Patrice Posted November 9, 2017 Share Posted November 9, 2017 without integrity are looking to heal something wrong in their lives, and are looking for an easy way to avoid doing the mental and emotional work that keeps them stuck in an unhappy way of life. There is no other way through this, then to avoid him and don't get sucked in again. Obviously, nothing has changed and he is in the same place he was when he did this to you. Don't allow it anymore, that's your strong and better self coming in with all the hard work you have done on yourself. I do think there are a lot of people who want a stable life with some action on the side to avoid the humdrum life they have chosen to lead. You wanted something that he couldn't or wasn't willing to sacrifice to give you - and nothing has changed. Be at peace, stay NC and avoid this jerk. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ladydesigner Posted November 9, 2017 Share Posted November 9, 2017 To get another hit like a drug addict. Same thing... the boost... the high ...the escape ...fill in the blank Link to post Share on other sites
ladydesigner Posted November 9, 2017 Share Posted November 9, 2017 Thank you everyone it's been a while since I have come back on here I was doing so good. He must keep tabs on me through mutual people even if you try to stay low and no contact isn't it true if someone wants to know about you they will somehow? I thought he was gone I was moving on. But now he's in my head even more I'm guessing what he wanted all along. Is it true if someone notices you moving on they do things to make you go back to missing them? Even if it's just a mind game for them? I won't contact him even if I have very weak moments and have had so many of them over the last 10 months I try to distract my self like I did before. I'm just so mad he's playing these games and so mad and hurt that he thinks I would be the easy lay. He did nothing but dig up my hurt that for so long it was a lie even when he would convince me it wasn't that I truly was just an easy lay. I'm more mad he dug up those feelings in me that I was so low with self esteem I let him play with my emotions I let him treat me as worthless. I was the one who allowed it. This hurts Just start over again ;-) go full on No Contact! Link to post Share on other sites
Patrice Posted November 13, 2017 Share Posted November 13, 2017 you don't need this coward to come back and make you weak again. Keep on growing!! xo Link to post Share on other sites
FoundMyStrength Posted November 13, 2017 Share Posted November 13, 2017 Exactly what everyone else has said. You're 9 months out -- you made it! Don't go back to that living hell, it's not worth it. He doesn't want you, he wants the way you made him feel. 9 months = enough time to become unhappy (probably for the zillionth time) with his marriage. Despite his claims otherwise. Link to post Share on other sites
Author escapefantasy Posted November 14, 2017 Author Share Posted November 14, 2017 Thanks everyone I keep reading and re reading all your replies it really helps to keep me pushing forward and trying to not care. I had a little set back today I ran into a mutual acquaintance. He was quick to tell me exmm his w and let's say followers and i say it that way because these people have lost long time friends by following exmm and his w are leaving on a trip soon. This acquaintance is going with them. He was complaining already that his week of holidays is planned by exmm and his w already. All I said was you make your own choices. I have had a few moments of jealousy since that convo and a few moments of pure hate. I wish I just didn't care. I was again mad coming to me not a month ago feel me out how easy I would be like he missed me and he had a week vac planned away with his w? I can say so happy I didn't fall for it or try to make contact with him after that night. I just wish I could get to the point I just don't care any more. I know he truly was a fake person to me. Why do I have to miss or be jealous. Is this normal feelings even 10 months later? If he had just left me alone I wouldn't be back to this place of emotions i hate so much. Will never let him know how I feel. To him I have moved on I think. That's how I hope he see it anyways. Thanks for again letting me vent and taking the time to read my story. Any replies help to make me face the truth. Link to post Share on other sites
Confusedlady77 Posted November 14, 2017 Share Posted November 14, 2017 I just wanted to say well done. You are doing great Link to post Share on other sites
Author escapefantasy Posted November 15, 2017 Author Share Posted November 15, 2017 Thank you I'm having up and down moments during the day again. I asked a male friend who had a PA for 3 years AP left him NC and he was completely broken. Left his W and now married to his AP for 3 years. I know this is unusual and they have their issues of course but truly do love each other I think. Anyways I told him the story to get a male perspective mild d day, exmm ran, 9 months later contact me, said he would call me and nothing. Asked this male friend what his take is. His answer "do I really have to tell you? He only cares about him self, he was seeing how easy you would be to have just min contact but when he wants a really good lay. HE IS A SLIM BALL. If he cared he couldn't stay away and would do anything to tell you this. I know I couldn't live with out my now wife". This hit me hard hearin it from a guy who went through it but he did as he claimed told his then wife he loved another and did what he had to. He followed through with his words and actions to both women. Not saying how he did it was right he admitted that. People were hurt but living a lie would hurt them more he felt. He said if my exmm truly loved me and truly was not happy in his M he had basically 4 options 1 continue the marriage live a secret hell telling him self he is happy just to convince him self so he can function everyday. But he said his thoughts will be always i lost something/someone. He will never get again. His W and him will never lead a true fulfilling M. He will live like he is trapped but truly he is not,just a cowered sad for him and his W and children. Cycle repeats usually with the children as their never taught what a M is to be but how to hid your feelings and not truly love life. 2 leave his W to presue me. He can't live with out you his actions will follow his words rest falls into place once he's true to him self. But how this is done will also teach his children. Has to be done him move out on his own ready to be single knowing the possibility you and him might not work but leaving his M is still the right choice. 3 leave his W and me start fresh new friends new life new place new everything. There is an option 4 he said bury his head avoid avoid avoid the conflict hope his W never finds out hope u stay quiet. Love bomb her to distract ie Fill void with money trips material things. Be a cowered and the biggest slim ball ever. To both of us to save his own wants for the future. My male friend also told me this is the option most AP male or female take because it's the best for them and them only. Again all his take on it and how he sorted out what he wanted in his life. Not saying he's right or wrong just was his advice to me. So this really made me think what number does my exmm fall under I can't come up with anything to justify options 1-3 but can put facts to option 4 over the last 10 months. I'm not sure how I feel about that it was a huge eye opener coming from a person who actually picked one and followed through with it with his actions. What option do you think your situation falls under would like to know what one is most common for the majority? Link to post Share on other sites
Ugh9 Posted November 28, 2017 Share Posted November 28, 2017 It’s because he is a narcissist. Stay no contact, and do not speak to him unless you can keep it very short and use no emotion at all. Treat him like he doesn’t exist. When he makes his presence known during his stalking of you, make him feel invisible. He has a serious personality disorder that is very dangerous. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
jazzmand Posted December 1, 2017 Share Posted December 1, 2017 My therapist would say this is an uphill climb. It is like a graph moving upwards but there will be dips. Those dips dont mean that you have not made progress. You are doing great. Link to post Share on other sites
Author escapefantasy Posted December 11, 2017 Author Share Posted December 11, 2017 So been 2 months since our convo after 9 months no contact. I have seen him a few times around town driving small town its going to happen. I have just been going on like I don't even know who he is just another driver on the road. Well the last time I pasted exmm I was following the flow of traffic saw him but focused on the road was busy. Stopped in a turning lane waiting my turn and ex mm floored it past me to the point black smoke engine screaming. This is out of character for him. Now I haven't gone to him looked to make contact nothing even after he contacted me. No relations to him at all. So why the reaction from him almost a year no contact? I gave him everything he wanted a quiet Departing. No contact nothing. No chasing stalking ego pump emotions to him nothing. So why so angry that's how I took it angry with me when I gave him everything he asked for ? Link to post Share on other sites
Dreamwalker17 Posted December 12, 2017 Share Posted December 12, 2017 Why are you wasting your time trying to figure out what this loser does? He is gone from your life, thank your lucky stars. Take care of yourself and make sure you are happy. He is irrelevant. Link to post Share on other sites
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