Wife ended 6 year relationship 2 months after we got married

[aussie_fella]

Hello and thankyou for the opportunity for me to post here on loveshack. Reading about many others stories has helped me get some focus and hope of rebuilding my life. My situation is as follows:

 

My wife and I were in a relationship for almost 6 years now. “2 months married”. She is now 35 and me 37. We have known each other for a few years previous to us getting together through mutual friends. When we first got together 6 years ago, she was going through a separation from her husband of two years, in a relationship for total of 9 years. Her relationship began when they were 19 and ended due to him cheating on her with another man. Other factors involved in their breakup included his sexual identity. He had developed a transsexual identity “she knew he was a bit different going into their relationship” and he gradually pursued more of this identity years later in their relationship which caused her problems.

 

After her and her ex were married for around 18 months her ex husband cheated on her with another man, she had moved out and I saw her at a mutual friends bbq around 3 months after he cheated on her. We hit it off bigtime and got on like a house on fire. Feelings began to grow and we began dating etc we were mindful that she had just separated and trying to take things slow etc and things were great. Around 4 months of us dating, her mother had “nowhere to stay etc” her lease ended and my wife was living in a small studio apartment at the time. My wife basically let her mum move into the apartment and my wife came and lived with me at my place. We lived together for over 5 years until just recently.

 

During our relationship there have been a few ups and downs which I will go into detail about. I feel I need to be honest about everything here so I can portray things as best I can.

 

I have had a few anger management problems and sometimes thought almost as far as a borderline personality disorder. My moods could change fast from happy to sad to angry but never violent and my wife sometimes felt she was walking on eggshells around me. My family upbringing was not great with a violent father and a verbally abusive mother. Both of which did not have any drink or drug issues, but my mothers parents were alcoholics and I know she had a tough time as a kid.

 

Although I was aware of these issues and went to around 18 counselling sessions during our relationship, I would go through a pattern of going to the counselling, we would be great for 2 or 3 months, then would go back to fighting between us. I am so ashamed and to make matter worse, I began using meth on and off during the last few years of our relationship and a bit more the past year. I was having it sometimes every weekend and having 2 or 3 day binges on it. She knew I would sometimes do this and was not happy. I tried to come to her for help a few times when I felt I was slipping up and she was very cold and told me to just don’t do that ****. I tried to get into a rehab a few times and because my use was very sporadic, they advised they could not help me unless I had some meth in the last 48 hours.” I did not want to go get high just to get into the help” I told them. I eventually went to counselling for this which did help.

 

I also felt that the drug was causing me to be overly sexual more than normal which was causing problems bigtime for us due to us being on different levels when being intimate. I was too over the top and although we had a great sex life together “when I was not high” I was too sexual for her sometimes.

 

Sometimes when we made love we would talk about having a threesome with another woman. About 1.5 years ago, we ended up having a threesome with one of her girlfriends she bought home. It was not great as her friend was drunk and very rough with her and we called it off midway. I felt so terrible as her friend acted this way and did not respect her during this.

We got past this after a lot of talking and support. We did not do this again and left it at that. She said she may have been interested if she had a better experience that time.

 

My wife had only slept with 5 guys in her life including myself and she didn’t mind that I was a bit dirty as long as I respected her and love her. She was a bit shy and still kind of is in a funny way. She loved that I would bring her out of her shell and it made her feel sexy and confident.

 

Fast forward to the end of last year 2016 and I proposed to her even though she had no real massive desire to marry again after the first effort with her ex, but said she wanted to make me happy because I had not been married and she loved me greatly. We had talked about this and I told her I wanted to be her husband after 5 years together and wanted to go down that road. We had talked about having kids but it never was a burning desire / pressure thing we felt. Towards the last few years of the relationship we just said lets see what happens with no major plans in that regard. This was a mutual thing.

 

Roll into to this year in and we had a fantastic wedding. All one could hope for, friends / family / food / drinks and a beautiful venue. We did a lot of the catering / decorations ourselves to save money and it turned out to be a wonderful day for us.

 

About a month after the wedding I started slipping up on the drugs a bit, not using everyday but once a week etc, but enough that I would feel crap for 2 or 3 days even after a small hit one every week or so.

I started doing all the wrong things and I don’t blame the drugs for this but I know they certainly were not helping me. I would get moody, feel lost, be needy, and have low confidence, just generally being a **** man to be around. I was turning to her as my source of everything, for love, happiness and direction. My crapness was way too much for her, she had just started a new management job not long after our wedding and a lot of hours etc stress then coming home to me. I felt like I had given up life yet I was only just married to the best women I have ever known. How could it all be?

 

She really did put a lot of effort into being with me, I was great when I also put in the effort but would slip up and going in cycles of fighting, then she would stay mad for sometimes days, then I would get depressed because she was mad for so long then we would make up and do it all again sometimes even days later.

 

A few weeks before she left me, I stopped using meth as I was tired of the dirty drug it was and how it made me so moody and up and down all the time. I knew I needed it gone from my life but it always had this way of creeping back in via friends etc.

 

About 5 weeks ago we had a fight on a Friday night after I decided to take her out for dinner but felt quite depressed “I think was the drugs “ even though it was two weeks since having any I would still feel the comedown for a long time after. Whilst at dinner I was down and not much for conversation with my wife. She picked up on this and things got a bit awkward at dinner. We went home and I had a chat with her about how things were not great in our relationship. I felt so down whilst talking with her, I said “ I don’t know why we are together cause we fight all the time etc.” Big mistake I know but I was being somewhat honest about our problems.

 

The next day she went to work and I txted her asking if she would like to go out for a drink and talk etc. She said “No I am going out with one of my girlfriends from work tonight at a bar near our place”. I went and stayed at a friend’s place that night a bit upset but understood that I ****ed it up last night with our chat and I knew she was not happy.

 

I came home the next morning and she was hungover and instantly told me “It’s over I cant be with you anymore and I am moving out today” I was terribly shocked. I did all the wrong things like crying, begging, trying to resolve things, you name it all the **** you do when your wife tells you its over. I felt a dagger in my heart we had fights before maybe 6 in the 5 years where she had threatened to leave but she always said she had abandonment issues due to her parents divorcing when she was a baby and this was the last straw.

 

She told me that she has never done a selfish thing in her life but this is something she must do for herself which I understood. I still thing she is very brave for having the courage to walk away when things are not right. She is not a selfish person but kind and caring and I still love her more than anything.

 

Over the past few weeks we have caught up to have dinner etc but nothing too formal. I told her that this has been the biggest wakeup call of my life. I have stopped all the drugs almost 2 months now and getting my life back on track with my business “self employed IT guy” and trying to stay on track.

When we have caughtup I have put myself forward in a positive light and told her I acknowledge my faults in the relationship, came totally clean about the drug use, I put everything on the table. I have started going to counselling to work on myself and find it good. Also reading some self help books, online, reading LS had helped a lot.

 

Her response has been mixed to say the least and just the past weekend there was a wedding that we both attended separately but spoke for hours whilst there. It was so good to see her and she looked as beautiful as ever. I asked her if she would consider another chance with things and she seemed receptive this this and said it might be good. She even gave me a small kiss on the mouth. This was all short lasted however as whilst we were in the cab home with some friends I put my arm around her and she rejected me despite the earlier kiss etc. I got a little confused and she told me to stop in front of my friends which I was not expecting I merely had my arm around her.

 

I did the dumb thing and texted her later that night as I had a few drinks at the wedding, but thankfully kept it cool. I just asked her “Am I wasting my time trying for this relationship, I value myself as a person and do not want to chase someone who does not want to be with me” The next day we talked about things and basically she wanted to put me in the friendzone and said “I hope we can be good friends some day.” I said to her I am sorry but you cannot just walk out of a 6 year relationship 2 months after you married me and expect that. After she told me that “the only thing she wants for the future is to be single” I said “ Thats great for you and I wished you all the best”.

 

Since then have told her “I will be going NC for now except for the formal stuff like the moving out of our old rental house etc.” There is just too much pain there and I need time to heal. I know where I went wrong in this marriage and its too late to undo the pain and hurt we have been through. I am learning from my mistakes and see myself as someone who can love and be loved, to have confidence and get through this tough time in my life. I have cried a lot the past week and felt devastated after our last chat yesterday where I accepted it was finally over. At least I have some direction now so I can work on myself to never let this happen again. I wished I could have done it differently but all I can look to is the future now.

 

One day we might even be friends, we shared so much together and we went through a lot and had a lot of great times, travelling / living overseas, she loved the good side of me so much. I told her I am not mad at her and she needs to do whats best for her as much as it kills me to let her go.

She tells me that she “needs to find herself on her own” we did move in a little fast after her last marriage due to circumstances but we can’t go back in time either.

 

If anyone out there has any advice for us id love to hear your thoughts. I have pretty much accepted that she is gone and that is that. Do you think NC will be the best for me to get through these next few months? I told her I needed this to give time to heal and her space etc. She said “can I call you to check in to see how you are” I said “That is not NC I am sorry but can’t have my heart strings pulled around. I told her “I can’t be her friend right now. And only contact me if you want to talk about getting back together” Is this the right thing to do for both our sake?

 

Before the breakup my wife was writing all the fights we would have in a journal and was going back and reading them which i guess gave her more reason / resolve to breakup with me. She was talking to alot of her girl friends from work "who i have never met before" and i feel that she may have someone in her ear giving her the wrong information about leaving. It just seems crazy that she would go through 6 years of being with me then leave so quickly after marriage. I understand if she does not want to stay around and better to get out now than in 10 years time. However it doesn't help the hurt i feel at present any less.

 

She still has not told her father about our breakup and its over 6 weeks now. She also wears our wedding ring and when i asked her what i should do with my ring she says whatever i liked, when i asked her why she still is wearing hers after leaving me after being married only 2 months, she says she can do what she likes with her ring?? I am confused at this and makes me think that she is still confused or unsure about leaving.

 

Do you think an overseas trip for a few weeks could be good to get my mind off things. We were supposed to travel for our honeymoon a few weeks ago but she cancelled it due to the split. Should I still go overseas? I figure I have nothing to lose as I am moving out of our house soon and will be staying with friends until I get my own place again in the future. My family says i should stay around and sort myself out before going overseas. They do not enjoy travelling like i do though.

 

 

Also are there any great books you recommend for dealing with breakup and also kids who have had abusive parents growing up? Any good relationship reads?

 

 

Again thankyou for all the support here. Reading through the many other stories on LS is helping me get through this testing time. I hope I can also help someone through this one day. This breakup has made me realise how much support I have from my friends and family. I have been straight up with everyone about my mistakes and am now working on being a better man.

 

Cheers.

[aussie_fella]

Hey all. Was not wanting to sound like a parrot here, but does anyone have any advice for me during this time? I see almost 200 folks have viewed my original post above, was seeing if anyone out there has any thoughts on this?

 

IE: Am i on the right track with NC my wife?, anything to help get me through her leaving me something postive any good book reads etc.

 

Thankyou once again would appreciate any help i can get right now, it hurts a great deal having her leave 2 months after our wedding and anything positive i can do will help me get through all of this.

 

[BluesPower]

Sorry no one posted...

 

So here is the deal, I am betting she is done. You go NC and just let her be.

 

Second, the drugs have to be done. And if you are an addict you need to not be smoking pot and drinking, you have to stop, completely...

 

If you have to do a 12 step, treatment center, whatever, just get it over with and stay that way.

 

You are self medicating, for whatever reason, you will learn this in treatment or some counseling.

 

For what it is worth, she is screwing around on you. Probably for a while, why she married you or you her, that was a stupid decision.

 

So, you have to grow up, get clean, completely and stay that way. This woman is done, you have blown that with your decisions.

 

It is time to grow up, become an actual grown man, and live a clean life, then you can find someone new...

[mrs rubble]

I dumped someone a few years back because he was on meth, I can understand her side of your story. It's such an evil drug, it destroys people, it destroys marriages and is really, really unhealthy.

Stay no contact with your ex and make sure you stay off the meth, maybe book yourself into rehab overseas if you can afford it.

I would've taken my ex back if he got off the meth, but he had no interest in stopping it.

[healing light]

I don't think she's screwing around on you.

 

If you have any chance with her at all, you need to give her plenty of space like you have been. It's good for you to do no contact for you, that should always be your primary motivator. You need this time to evaluate what you want from life and to get yourself together, get back to a healthy emotional spot so you can be a present partner in your own life and with others.

 

To be honest, though, I have a feeling you messed this one up too badly because of the drugs. Drug use, even recreationally, has no place in an adult relationship. Getting rid of any tempting influences should be your priority right now--this will otherwise **** up every other part of your life. That means you will need to dump the friendships and contacts you have that keep drugs around as an option.

 

I could see where she would consider getting back with you if it hadn't been for that, but I think anyone in their right mind, unless also a user, would bail if they thought there was the potential that you would go down that slippery slope and you weren't pulling your weight as a partner. It also sounds like you may have been unemployed or underemployed around this time... so I think you will need to prepare yourself for the assumption that she is done for good.

 

Be the best man you can be for yourself and if she comes back around, great! But in the meantime, take care of you. Your future well being depends on it.

[aussie_fella]

Hi all and thankyou so much for your responses.

 

Since my original post, i have moved out of the house and staying with friends etc. My wife has gotten her own place and seems ok there.

 

I have been going to counselling and i feel this has been helping. I am still off the drugs and feeling alot stronger resolve for this now as when i think of doing anything like that i feel pain and disgust!!!

 

It is still really hard as when i saw my wife the past weekend when we finalised our rental house, i instantly feel no sadness etc, just the upmost love for her and i wish beyond hell we could give things another go. I am def going to use this time to work on myself and get back to loving me!!! Alot of these problems in our relationship was me not loving me and being negative about life and taking drugs etc. NO MORE OF "THAT ****". I realised i do not ever want to feel this way again in my life.

 

I am not mad at my wife for breaking things off, im really annoyed at her timing "2 months after our wedding" all the money we spent, time involved, family helping at the wedding etc. i wished she had the guts to break things off earlier with me instead of going about things this way.

 

MY wife is def not cheating on me etc, she has only been with 5 guys in her life and i just know as we are very open and honest usually. That is not a concern for me put it that way.

 

It is hard to stay the NC with her during moving house etc as there was times we had to meet to sign paperwork and move things out. I am going to try going full NC again now all of the house stuff has been finalised.

 

When we see each other it feel so right to want to chat, hug etc. I really do love her so much and she still tells me the same. Maybe we will be friends but not anytime too soon as i need some time apart for both of us to find ourselfs some more.

 

Does anyone have any tips for the NC? I don't want to be a jerk to her here as she has been very good to me after the breakup, still helping with bills, helped me do some cleanup etc when moving out. However it seems to suit her more than me to be friends at this stage.

 

She texted me asking for advice on a computer problem, should i just be cutting this off? IE not replying or simply saying to her "can i plz have NC with you" Hard thing is that i feel like i don't know if NC is needed or not, maybe i will be get over her sooner with NC but maybe i will even if i keep things cool and don't get emotionally invested too much. IE: Still accept fact she is gone, but go on living my own life with occasional contact with her. Im sure most people will say NC is best, but some may say you may still be friends with your ex if you can accept its over and move on with your own life, date other people etc.

 

I really don't want to lose her for good, but that is up to her at this stage. Ill just keep on doing my own thing and if she doesn't come back thats her choice.

 

Again thanks for your replies, it helps so much to hear others advice on here.

 

Take it easy!

[Just a Guy]

Hi Aussie_fella,, sorry to see you here. I wanted to ask you if you two have initiated divorce or annulment proceedings? Has your wife done anything about it? Starting those proceedings will help you heal faster and if ever you think you want to be together you can have a new marriage. In the meantime you need to sort yourself out as, let's be frank, you nuked your relationship. Once you feel that you are in control of your life you can start looking out for new romantic relationships. Warm wishes.

[aussie_fella]

Hi Just a guy! To answer you question - and to ask some of my own

 

 

1. No we have not filed for any divorce etc at this stage. I spoke with her about this and she said "do not worry, we can worry filing for divorce in a year or so". Australian law states that you have to be not together for 12 months before you can push the paperwork through.

 

2. My wife still wears her wedding ring and will not take it off. I asked her why she still wears this despite ending our marriage after a few months and she tells me "she will do what she likes and she will keep wearing the ring for a long time to come" I don't know why she would do this if she doesn't want to be me me anyways?

 

3. I don't know if i should keep wearing my wedding ring, part of me wants to toss it all and start again, another feels bad about it due to her keeping wearing her ring, like some weird chance at getting back together. Would taking my ring off show her that i am done, "at least with the marriage"

 

4. I really don't know what all of this means, one part of me says cut all ties here and do my own thing, which i believe is healthy for my own sake. Another wonders why she is still hanging onto the ring, not filing for divorce etc, I wonder if she is just not 100% sure of leaving and maybe is just too stubborn to cut it fully clean or has is ashamed? Maybe she regrets leaving i just don't know.

 

I saw her briefly over the weekend at a mutual friends wedding. It has been soo tough to goto 2 weddings not long after my failed marriage and hearing all the words of the wedding vows, the ones about not leaving or giving up on a marriage when things turn to **** etc are tough for me as i feel like 2 months was not much of a chance at our marriage but understand i did nuke the relationship. She had to get out etc.

 

At the wedding she barely talked to me and went to leave without even saying goodbye to me, i had a quick chat with her when i saw her heading out to the car and told her i loved her etc which i know is stupid and breaks NC but she was there in person and i couldn't resist. She still tells me she loves me and misses me but i would imagine not in the lover sense lol!

 

Is is common for a women to hang onto their ring etc, even after leaving their husband? Not rush divorce etc? I can only imagine she is confused but she is certain enough to have moved out so Ohh well back to NC again for now. Wish me all the best!!! Thankyou again for the help.

[marky00]

Sup mate. I'm Aussie as well BTW.

 

I actually think you should avoid her as much as possible. No Contact or at least Limited Contact is the best option for you here. And if you must have contact, it needs to be about trivial stuff only, no more talking about the relationship.

 

She made her bed, now let her lie in it. That is the only way she learns and MIGHT have a change of heart. While your hanging around and talking to her the way you are, your disrespecting yourself while empowering her more. As you empower her, you just re-enforce her decision more.

 

I know it's SO hard to follow this advise. But trust me when I say it is the only way that works the best for YOU. You keep your sanity and she respects you more. Everyone on this site has been through it, including me.

 

You didn't mention that you have any kids so you could actually go hard No Contact once she has grabbed her stuff. Only respond when it comes to the divorce papers in 12 months. Don't tell her your going NC. Just go NC, that shows her that you don't need her approval to begin the process of your healing.

 

As for her hanging on to the ring, it's probably just out of guilt. She feels less bad because she keeps wearing the ring, in the hope you hate her less. This is all the kiddy stuff that happens when grown-ups breakup. It is mind-blowing stuff but it has happened to virtually everyone on this site.

Edited November 20, 2017 by marky00

[Downtown]

I have had a few anger management problems and sometimes thought almost as far as a borderline personality disorder.

Perhaps so, Aussie. As you likely know already, we all exhibit the nine BPD symptoms to some degree -- and it is common for even healthy adults to occasionally get temporary flareups of these symptoms that may move them onto the upper region of the BPD spectrum for a year or two.

 

About a month after the wedding I started slipping up on the drugs a bit, not using everyday but once a week.

When emotional instability lasts for only a year or two, the two most common causes are a strong hormone change and drug abuse. Your meth abuse, for example, may have caused temporary flareups of your BPD symptoms for a year or two. If I understand you correctly, however, you apparently are not talking about a temporary instability.

 

Rather, you seem to be referring to a persistent lifetime instability that started before you abused drugs -- an issue you believe may have originated in your childhood, i.e., in your unhealthy family environment. If so, then you may benefit from knowing that the two common causes of lifetime instability are BPD and bipolar disorder. And the event-triggered anger issues you mention are far more characteristic of BPD than bipolar. (If you're interested, I distinguish between these two patterns of behaviors at 12 BPD/Bipolar Differences.)

 

Are there any great books you recommend for dealing with breakup and also kids who have had abusive parents growing up?

Aussie, if you decide that your BPD symptoms are persistent and strong, I would recommend that you read the book, Borderline Personality Disorder Demystified: An Essential Guide for Understanding and Living with BPD. It seems to be the most popular book among people diagnosed as exhibiting full-blown BPD.

 

On the other hand, if you are uncertain what these symptoms look like in day-to-day behavior, I would suggest you take a quick look at my list of 18 BPD Warning Signs to see if most sound very familiar. If so, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of these red flags at my posts in Rebel's Thread. If that description rings many bells and raises any questions, I would be glad to discuss them with you.

 

Significantly, learning to spot these warning signs will not enable you to diagnose your own issues. Yet, like learning warning signs for breast cancer and heart attack, learning those for BPD may help you decide whether it would be prudent to spend money seeking professional treatment by a psychologist.

 

If it turns out that you really do exhibit BPD traits that are much stronger than average -- and if those traits are persistent, not temporary -- you likely would benefit from the excellent treatment programs available in the major cities of Australia. Programs like DBT and CBT can teach you how to better regulate your own emotions, thereby reducing the intense feelings that distort your perceptions of other peoples' intentions and motivations. Take care, Aussie.

[Just a Guy]

Hi aussie_fella, I think Mark, hit the nail on the head. You have to do a hard 180 and cut yourself off completely from your wife. Live well, eat healthy, stay off drugs and alcohol and work out to build yourself a great body. That will make you feel good about yourself. Try and get involved in some healthy activities. If you are at all interested in motorcycles then get yourself one and join a group which does some cross country biking on weekends. Otherwise involve yourself in something equally absorbing. Go trekking, hiking, camping, fishing in fact whatever gets you revved up. Your wife should see that you are not sitting around pining for her. You will find that after a while she will wonder why you are showing no more interest in her and chasing her. She will then start keeping tabs on you and finally will reach out to you. You can then decide how you want to handle that but the best would be to act cool and be civil with her but not overly excited that she HSS contacted you. Let her chase you while you show minimal interest. If she asks for a coffee date or something you can oblige her but keep playing it by ear. Just some thoughts on how to handle thongs going forward. One thing you must do is work on your flaws so that whether you get back with your wife or with another woman you are a new you and not the old flawed, drug taking, temper losing old loser that you were. Warm wishes.

[aussie_fella]

Perhaps so, Aussie. As you likely know already, we all exhibit the nine BPD symptoms to some degree -- and it is common for even healthy adults to occasionally get temporary flareups of these symptoms that may move them onto the upper region of the BPD spectrum for a year or two.

 

When emotional instability lasts for only a year or two, the two most common causes are a strong hormone change and drug abuse. Your meth abuse, for example, may have caused temporary flareups of your BPD symptoms for a year or two. If I understand you correctly, however, you apparently are not talking about a temporary instability.

 

Rather, you seem to be referring to a persistent lifetime instability that started before you abused drugs -- an issue you believe may have originated in your childhood, i.e., in your unhealthy family environment. If so, then you may benefit from knowing that the two common causes of lifetime instability are BPD and bipolar disorder. And the event-triggered anger issues you mention are far more characteristic of BPD than bipolar. (If you're interested, I distinguish between these two patterns of behaviors at 12 BPD/Bipolar Differences.)

 

Aussie, if you decide that your BPD symptoms are persistent and strong, I would recommend that you read the book, Borderline Personality Disorder Demystified: An Essential Guide for Understanding and Living with BPD. It seems to be the most popular book among people diagnosed as exhibiting full-blown BPD.

 

On the other hand, if you are uncertain what these symptoms look like in day-to-day behavior, I would suggest you take a quick look at my list of 18 BPD Warning Signs to see if most sound very familiar. If so, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of these red flags at my posts in Rebel's Thread. If that description rings many bells and raises any questions, I would be glad to discuss them with you.

 

Significantly, learning to spot these warning signs will not enable you to diagnose your own issues. Yet, like learning warning signs for breast cancer and heart attack, learning those for BPD may help you decide whether it would be prudent to spend money seeking professional treatment by a psychologist.

 

If it turns out that you really do exhibit BPD traits that are much stronger than average -- and if those traits are persistent, not temporary -- you likely would benefit from the excellent treatment programs available in the major cities of Australia. Programs like DBT and CBT can teach you how to better regulate your own emotions, thereby reducing the intense feelings that distort your perceptions of other peoples' intentions and motivations. Take care, Aussie.

 

Hi mate. After doing some reading in BPD i feel like i totally have at least half or more of these symptoms. It is funny because i really don't exibit these kind of behaviours around my friends etc, ONLY my wife!!! Alot of my friends have no idea of the anger i can get at the drop of a hat / depression / alot of emotions all at once! I feel that use the meth use exacerbated alot of these symptoms. I tried to explain this to my wife when she left and how i have not used for over two months now and am feeling alot better mentally etc and she would not have a bar of it.

 

She told me that i was always like this and unfortunately yes i have to agree to some extent. I had a fairly abusive childhood, father was physically abusive use to kick the **** out of us kids and my mother was verbally horrible to me. "She had alcoholic parents" my dad did not drink or smoke etc and was just naturally crazy / maybe he had BPD???

 

All i know is that after alot of reading on here and other websites / forums is that i have at least a medium dose of BPD in me. At least i can work from here.

 

What really upsets me is that fact that alot of this could have been treated better if i could have worked through this with my wife and now she has walked out and i have to deal with this alone "again" This pattern has been throughout my whole life of relationships and i feel that my wife must have been a very strong person to last it out this long.

 

It hurts that she married me and then just gave up on us. Oh well i will not give up on myself and will keep going to counselling etc and might have a read or two of some books on BPD and she if i can pickup any tips there.

 

Does anyone know any good books to read on BPD? Also any fello Australians out there know any good counsellers in BPD or resources available for help. I know i am possibly jumping the gun here with self diagnosis etc, but there are just far too many symptoms / behaviours that are ringing true to me the more i read into BPD.

 

Thankyou again for your support. Am getting through this one day at a time!

[aussie_fella]

Hello there Mrs Rubble. Yes i now see all the bad side of this crap and wished to god i have never touched it!!! Going on 10 weeks without now and not looking back! To hell with that stuff and looking forward to a happier mind and body from now on! Thankyou.

[aussie_fella]

Sup mate. I'm Aussie as well BTW.

 

I actually think you should avoid her as much as possible. No Contact or at least Limited Contact is the best option for you here. And if you must have contact, it needs to be about trivial stuff only, no more talking about the relationship.

 

She made her bed, now let her lie in it. That is the only way she learns and MIGHT have a change of heart. While your hanging around and talking to her the way you are, your disrespecting yourself while empowering her more. As you empower her, you just re-enforce her decision more.

 

I know it's SO hard to follow this advise. But trust me when I say it is the only way that works the best for YOU. You keep your sanity and she respects you more. Everyone on this site has been through it, including me.

 

You didn't mention that you have any kids so you could actually go hard No Contact once she has grabbed her stuff. Only respond when it comes to the divorce papers in 12 months. Don't tell her your going NC. Just go NC, that shows her that you don't need her approval to begin the process of your healing.

 

As for her hanging on to the ring, it's probably just out of guilt. She feels less bad because she keeps wearing the ring, in the hope you hate her less. This is all the kiddy stuff that happens when grown-ups breakup. It is mind-blowing stuff but it has happened to virtually everyone on this site.

Hi there Marky00. Nice to chat with another aussie too We do not have kids thankfully which makes this alot easier to deal with. I actually told her i was going no contact a while back "for my own sanity / healing. Hope that doesn't blow the whole thing??? My mum actually emailed her and said for her not to contact me which i hope doesnt screw things up. I did not ask my mum to do this and hope that she does not send her any more emails etc.

 

I told her that i cannot be friends with her at this stage "Am on day 9 of NC now" When i last spoke with her i said unless you want to come back and have another shot at our Marriage then thats all i can do im afraid. I told her she cant take her cake and eat it also! You simply cannot walk out of a 6 year relationship / marriage and just expect to be Friends!!! Yes she has made her bed now and lying in it im sure, well i hope she is not gallivanting around town whilst im here suffering but she can do what she likes now.

 

It is hard doing NC but gets a little bit easier every day. Her B'day is coming up next week and i know it will be hard for me to not text her on her b'day etc. Im guessing no matter what Weddings / births / funerals do i break NC for this right???? No little gifts / flowers etc. Ha!!! It will be tough as i loved to get her something for her b'day / dinner etc, i guess all that stops now. What about Xmas day if she txts me? Do i not reply? Im thinking no after reading about Hard No Contact, but what about Limited NC? Would a xmas day txt be out of the question also?

 

Thankyou again for your support and will keep you all posted on my progress.

 

Cheers

[Downtown]

I feel like i totally have at least half or more of these symptoms.

Aussie, BPD is not something -- like chickenpox -- that you either "have" or "don't have." Instead, it is a spectrum disorder, which means every adult on the planet occasionally exhibits all BPD traits to some degree (albeit at a low level if the person is healthy). At issue, then, is not whether you exhibit BPD traits. Of course you do. We all do. Rather, at issue is whether you exhibit those traits at a strong and persistent level (i.e., are on the upper end of the BPD spectrum).

 

Skip Johnson (Exec. Director of BPDfamily.com) explains, "Personality disorders are spectrum disorders, meaning that there is a broad range or spectrum of severity." See BPDfamily. That range extends from normal to severe. This means that, like selfishness and resentment, BPD traits are merely behavioral symptoms that everybody has to some degree. Dr. C. E. Zupanick explains why the psychiatric community is now moving to a diagnostic manual showing that PDs apply to everyone because we all exhibit these traits to some degree. He writes:

Most psychiatric disorders are evidenced by a complete and total deviation from normal and healthy functioning. Clearly, Major Depression, Schizophrenia, and PTSD are not found in the vast majority of people. Either you have these disorders, or you do not. You can't have a wee bit of Schizophrenia. You might liken this to an ordinary light switch: either it's on, or it's off. However, unlike schizophrenia, everyone has a personality and you can indeed have a wee bit of nearly any personality trait. In this respect, personality represents a continuum, ranging from healthy to disordered. See

Zupanick, Psy.D.

The reason that strong BPD symptoms are so easy to spot is that all of us have exhibited such behavior at some point in our lives. We all behave like BPDers 24/7 in early childhood due to our inability to regulate emotion and our weak self identities. And many of us (if not most) start behaving that way again when our hormones surge during puberty. On top of that, it is common for many adults to exhibit strong flareups of their BPD traits when subject to other strong hormone changes (e.g., pregnancy, postpartum, PMS, or perimenopause) or when abusing drugs.

 

I know i am possibly jumping the gun here with self diagnosis etc, but there are just far too many symptoms/behaviours that are ringing true to me the more i read into BPD.

There is a world of difference between spotting BPD symptoms (which is what you seem to be doing) and making a diagnosis (which is what only a professional can do). The professionals WANT you to be able to quickly spot BPD symptoms. That is why hundreds of mental health centers post the list of symptoms on their public websites.

 

It is funny because i really don't exhibit these kind of behaviours around my friends etc, ONLY my wife!!!

That is not surprising but, rather, to be expected. The vast majority of BPDers -- even those exhibiting full-blown BPD -- are "high functioning." This means that they typically hold jobs and generally get along fine with coworkers, clients, casual friends, and total strangers. None of those people is able to trigger the BPDer's fears of abandonment and engulfment. There is no close relationship that can be abandoned and no intimacy to trigger the suffocating feeling of engulfment.

 

Hence, with the vast majority of BPDers, the strong BPD symptoms usually appear only when someone (e.g., a casual friend) makes the mistake of drawing close to the BPDer. This is why it is common for high functioning BPDers to excel in very difficult jobs such as being a social worker, teacher, surgeon, professional actor, or salesman.

 

And this is why most BPDers can be considerate and friendly all day long to complete strangers -- but will go home at night to abuse the very people who love them. But, remember, BPDers generally are not bad people. Like young children, their problem is not being bad but, rather, being unstable.

 

Does anyone know any good books to read on BPD?

As I noted earlier, the most popular book among BPDers seems to be Borderline Personality Disorder Demystified. You may also benefit from the two books that are targeted to the abused partners of BPDers. They are Stop Walking on Eggshells and I Hate You, Don't Leave Me!

 

Also any fellow Australians out there know any good counselors in BPD or resources available for help.

Aussie, I applaud your decision to see a counselor. If you do exhibit strong and persistent BPD traits, you have an amazing level of self awareness. I've had the good fortune to communicate with nearly a hundred self aware BPDers on several forums. They are so rare, however, that I've never knowingly met one in my private life even though I do know a number of BPDers. I've never seen any statistics on it but I would guess that the share of high functioning BPDers who are self aware is roughly 5%.

 

I mention this to explain why, if you are a BPDer (i.e., have strong BPD traits), your chances of doing well in therapy are dramatically improved by your remarkable level of self awareness. The main reason that BPD treatment has such a dismal success rate among HF BPDers is that it is rare for any of them to have sufficient self awareness to take advantage of the treatment programs. Nearly all of them (i.e., the 95%) refuse to attend therapy. A HF BPDer is filled with so much self loathing that the last thing he wants to find is one more item to add to the long list of things he hates about himself.

 

Further, even when these BPDers attend therapy at the insistence of a spouse, they typically will play mind games with the therapists (as my exW did with six different psychologists in weekly visits for 15 years). It therefore is very very encouraging that you have already overcome what is the biggest impediment to a successful treatment.

 

You are not out of the woods yet, however. In addition to the self awareness, you also must have the ego strength required to be willing to work hard in therapy. If you have strong BPD traits, it is important to find a therapist -- ideally, a psychologist -- who is very experienced in treating it (with programs such as DBT and CBT). Here in the States, most major cities offer such programs. I therefore suspect you will find excellent treatment programs available in the larger cities of Australia.

[marky00]

Going NC is the main thing, regardless of how it happens.

 

It just stings the dumper more if you just vanish without even explaining what you are doing.

 

I have read so many posts on LS and I have seen quite a few cases of dumpers saying they almost went insane when the dumpee just disappeared and never broke NC.

 

This doesn't mean that the dumper wants a reconciliation. It's just that it totally retards their healing because they don't know if you hate them, are pining for them, have totally moved on etc. So they in turn don't know if they should feel guilty, pity for you or angry that you have moved on.

 

Going right into NC without saying your doing it can definitely have an effect on some dumpers, especially those types that are more about their egos.

 

Not all dumpers deserve this method but some definitely do

 

Do not break NC for her birthday etc. It seems counter-intuitive but she will respect you deeply for not messaging her on her Bday.

Edited November 28, 2017 by marky00

[aussie_fella]

 

You are not out of the woods yet, however. In addition to the self awareness, you also must have the ego strength required to be willing to work hard in therapy. If you have strong BPD traits, it is important to find a therapist -- ideally, a psychologist -- who is very experienced in treating it (with programs such as DBT and CBT). Here in the States, most major cities offer such programs. I therefore suspect you will find excellent treatment programs available in the larger cities of Australia.

 

This all makes alot of sense to me! I have purchased the book "Borderline Personality Disorder Demystified" will give that a read when it gets here. I am reading a book atm called "Adult Children of Abusive Parents: A Healing Program for Those Who Have Been Physically, Sexually, or Emotionally Abused by Steve Farmer" So far a great read! Really helps me somewhat understand my learned behaviours in order to survive a rough childhood and how i do not need to continue this behaviour anymore: IE i am though this i do not need to survive my childhood as i have now grown up and a man. Is really hard to read as it is bringing up alot of of trauma i experienced back then that i had mostly forgotten about.

 

Thankyou again for helping me with this!!! I'll let you know how i go with the

resources / books you have recommended.

[aussie_fella]

Hi again Marky00, cheers for the reply. I have been taking time out for NC has been almost 3 weeks now. I must say that i did break NC with a txt msg on her b'day. Nothing crazy, was just a quick "happy birthday and hope you have a great day" I debated whether to send or not and since i didn't have any ulterior motive besides i wanted to wish my wife a happy bday because i thought it was the right thing to do. Turns out she was interstate by herself and was going hiking for a few days. No harm no foul and i don't feel needy or anything like that for contacting her, i felt it harmless and was not badly received.

 

I have gone NC again since then and although this is tough i see the value in it for my own sanity and a chance to work more on myself.

 

An update on things

 

1. A few weeks ago i was out with some friends and was talking with a women who was going through a bad marriage breakup. Her husband developed a bad coke habit and ended up hooking up with another women whilst he was in rehab. It was crazy to hear the story and it made my own marriage ending seem not that bad after all. IE no kids etc and no cheating etc / messy breakup. Now don't shoot me here but after a tonne of drinks and talking about our ex marriages we ended up kissing briefly. I was surprised that this happened but i have been feeling alot more confident and positive about myself lately and that night i felt like hitting the town with friends and this kiss happened. I haven't spoken to her since but she msg me seeing if i wanted to catchup in a few weeks which i am considering.

 

After reading a billion stories on LS about people should not date whilst separated etc and i totally get that. I had an honest conversation with her that i was not into a relationship etc with her, too soon too messy etc and she told me she was totally in the same boat. She was a really nice person and i respected her both of our life situations.

 

The question now is this- I feel pretty screwed over by my wife but still love her. I would love to reconcile, however she has given me no hope whatsoever and said all she knows is she wants to be single etc and thats it.

 

I feel like we need to sit down soon and have a chat about what this separation fully means. The way i see it is that its over and done! There has been no chance so far "bit over 3 months now" that she has given me anything of a reconcile. So once could safely assume that this is basically leading to a divorce. "She says that the divorce is something we can get around to eventually" Confused??? perhaps she is.

 

What i am wondering is should i be having a chat with my separated wife soon to lay down what exactly does this separation mean? Should i be asking her questions like

 

1. Is this separation leading direct to divorce? I feel i may know the answer but who knows she has not said for sure about divorce but what else is there is she left and does not want back in the relationship?

 

2. If said separation is leading to divorce IE no chance, done, final etc should we talk about seeing other people scenarios? I do not mean dating / relationship as i Do not want a rebound relationship etc and have been honest to everyone involved. I mean if i or her were were to have sex with another person and it's only that,what would her thoughts be towards this considering she was the dumper and she has walked out on our relationship?

 

3. Or should i not mention any of this this to her at all and stay NC and do my own thing

 

4. Or what some people on LS say don't be with anyone until your divorced - Yeah my wife dumped me 2 months in i don't really feel alot of alliance to our marriage unless she shows me at least some chance of reconciling. Shes also vague about the actual divorce" Cmon make your mind up love don't screw me around" I have needs and i figure sleeping with someone else may or may not help things but if we click and it's an honest and mutual thing is this so terrible?

 

I have been working alot of myself and am starting to feel good again. Alot of my friends have commented how well i am getting through this and i wanted to say thankyou to the people here on LS for the support in helping me get through this.

 

I do not want to act out of line here or any of that. I just thought i would ask your thoughts about this and other peoples experiences etc if they have been in a similar position?

 

Thankyou so much!

[Downtown]

Aussie, thanks so much for returning to give us an update. I was wondering how you're doing. Am glad to hear that you've acquired two books and are intending to seek professional guidance.

 

Really helps me somewhat understand my learned behaviours in order to survive a rough childhood and how i do not need to continue this behaviour anymore: IE i am though this i do not need to survive my childhood as i have now grown up and a man.

As I understand it, Aussie, we all are provided with a primitive set of ego defenses that we use to survive the first few years of childhood. These include denial, projection, black-white thinking, magical thinking, and temper tantrums.

 

The child is so fully reliant on those defenses to survive childhood that, when that childhood is traumatic, he is afraid to let go long enough to replace them with the more mature ego defenses that other children acquire. He therefore keeps a death grip on those primitive ego defenses that served him so well.

 

The result is that the child enters adulthood without knowing how to do self soothing; how to regulate his own emotions; how to intellectually challenge intense feelings instead of accepting them as "facts"; how to trust others; how to be "mindful" (i.e., to remain in the room instead of escaping in daydreams to the past or future); how to perceive "object constancy" (i.e., to see that your W's personality is essentially unchanged day to day, even when you are angry with her); and how to avoid black-white thinking by learning to tolerate strong mixed feelings, uncertainties, ambiguities, and the other gray areas of interpersonal relationships.

 

If you exhibit strong and persistent BPD traits, you cannot be "cured" because scientists have not identified any disease or disorder that needs curing. Nobody knows for certain what it is that causes a child's development of emotional skills to stop at about age four. The current view, as I noted above, is that -- due either to an inherited sensitivity and/or childhood trauma -- you did not have the luxury of being able to swap your primitive ego defenses for the more mature defenses.

 

You can make some progress in learning those defenses by reading books, especially if your BPD traits are at a mild to moderate level. BPDers have told me, however, that a person won't get very far on his own if the BPD behavior is very strong. In that case, professional guidance would be needed when trying to acquire these skills during adulthood. Again, I wish you the best. And I look forward to reading your next update!

[marky00]

Didn't read your whole post but trust me when I say a talk is a waste of time.

 

One day you will hear from her, I promise, but it has to come from her. It won't be to reconcile but she will definitely try to dump a boat load of guilt on your doorstep.

 

It's all counter-intuitive but everything you do to TRY to fix the situation pushes her away more.

 

She made a decision. Now, you need to say "ok fine" and leave her to lie in the bed she made. Give her NOTHING because that is what she chose.

 

If you keep contacting her, she will just think your ok with being walked all over and will keep doing it. Stop contacting and gain your self-respect. She would never come back for the RIGHT reasons anyway until your self-respect is back in place.

[aussie_fella]

Didn't read your whole post but trust me when I say a talk is a waste of time.

 

One day you will hear from her, I promise, but it has to come from her. It won't be to reconcile but she will definitely try to dump a boat load of guilt on your doorstep.

 

It's all counter-intuitive but everything you do to TRY to fix the situation pushes her away more.

 

She made a decision. Now, you need to say "ok fine" and leave her to lie in the bed she made. Give her NOTHING because that is what she chose.

 

If you keep contacting her, she will just think your ok with being walked all over and will keep doing it. Stop contacting and gain your self-respect. She would never come back for the RIGHT reasons anyway until your self-respect is back in place.

 

Thanks again Marky00 - Yeah sorry there was a bit of stuff in my above post and don't blame you for not reading it all . However if you did read the whole shebang, i have actually started felling ALOT better! yay! To the point where i was considering not so much dating, but perhaps a small fling with a woman in similar circumstances as mine.

 

As i am alot more myself these days, been working on myself fitness and counselling / self help books and just all round being positive. I am ok with not contacting her and the bday txt thing was a one off. Im not sending her anything for xmas txt or calls etc and feel good about doing it.

 

My main thing is this

 

1. Do i need to talk with her about the terms of this seperation, ie: is either of us sleeping with someone else a total dealbreaker for any hope of reconciling in the future? We haven't really discussed the seperation or what it means or where it's leading.

 

2. Or are you along the lines of thinking "Don't even bother discussing these separation terms as she has left and not showing any signs of wanting back in, best to move on do my own things if that includes being with other women"? I STRESS NOT A RELATIONSHIP, just a casual fling.

 

Im wanting to reconcile with her, but her lack of anything towards our relationship, "and i have needs too" and she has shown no sign of coming back at all, no communication nothing. Just breadcrumbs and nothing now after i told her not to contact me for my own sanity.

 

Cheers Mate and and does anyone else have an opinion here re discussing terms of a seperation etc?

 

Have a great day / night wherever you are.

 

Thankyou.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Aussie_fella, good to see that you are making progress on getting out of the hole you dug yourself in. Just keep up with that relentlessly and you will do well. To my under standing, Aussies are great outdoors people. I think you guys are a lot into biking, motorcycling, boating, hiking,, camping etc. If that be the case then I think you have a lot of options to choose from. Tennis and golf are also favourites to my knowledge. Maybe join one of the Australian rules football clubs and attend their games. You can then let off steam by hollering abuses and egging on your team guys and generally have a good time especially if you have some guy friends to hang out with.

 

You were asking why your stbxwife continues to wear her ring. Well it may be because she wants to keep would be suitors and guys who would otherwise hit on her at bay. It probably has nothing to do with remaining married to you. You mentioned in one of your posts that she had said she wanted to remain single. What better way than to have her wedding ring on to let folks know she is unavailable. I think after two relationships gone sour she may not want to test the truth of the adage 'Third time lucky' and so she keeps her wedding ring as a shield against unwanted attention. As far as you are concerned, since you ate now 37 years old I think you should seriously look for someone who will be happy to be with you and not be lightweight with her emotions like your wife. In fact I get the feeling that you were the rebound choice for your wife and she did not really wait to grieve the loss of her previous relationship. After all her first husband had been her high school sweetheart and she had been with him for nine years. That is a long time to be emotionally connected to someone and she did not give herself time to get over it. You ate asking folks on here about what terms of seperation you should discuss with your stnxwife. Fact is that Blues Power was right when he said your wife was done and dusted with your marriage and the sooner you accept this fact the sooner you will start healing from the break up of your marriage. Your only concern now should be to work tirelessly on overcoming your flaws and making a new man of yourself. Having done that and after the requisite period for filing for divorce is complete, contact a lawyer, find out your rights and your liabilities and file for divorce. In fact with a short marriage of two months I would have thought an annulment should have been in order. Whatever happens, do not contact your wife and just go out and enjoy life as a single man. Your wife has abandoned you and you are under no obligation to stick to any of the so called vows you made before a priest in church at the time of your wedding. Hope some of this helps. Warm wishes.

Edited December 19, 2017 by Just a Guy

[Just a Guy]

Hi Aussie_fella, any up dates? Christmas has come and gone so what did you do? Did you wish your wife or just ignored her? Have you taken the decision to file a formal separation agreement? No point carrying on in limbo if things are not going to be resolved. A separation ag4eement will send the message home to her that you also are detaching and if she had been in two minds about reconciliation she will reach out to tell you that she wants to try a reconciliation. If she does'nt react at all,, that will let you know clearly that she is done and you may as well date other women. Sometimes it's best to cut losses before they drain you financially or emotionally. Just think about it. Warm wishes.

[aussie_fella]

You were asking why your stbxwife continues to wear her ring. Well it may be because she wants to keep would be suitors and guys who would otherwise hit on her at bay. It probably has nothing to do with remaining married to you. .

 

Hi Just a Guy. Yes this def makes sense. I also thought about this and that seems to be the type of gal she is and wearing the ring is just like garlic to vampires or "other guys etc". i saw her the other week and showed her i have taken mine off as there is no point me wearing mine when the relationship seems dead.

[aussie_fella]

In fact I get the feeling that you were the rebound choice for your wife and she did not really wait to grieve the loss of her previous relationship. After all her first husband had been her high school sweetheart and she had been with him for nine years. That is a long time to be emotionally connected to someone and she did not give herself time to get over it.

 

Yes Just a Guy. My wife had said to me a few times that we had gotten together too quickly after her last marriage had ended "4 months after leaving her ex" Alot of my friends said that this should not matter now though as it was 6 years ago yada yada, but i guess it can matter, especially if she feels like she did not have enough time to either grieve the past relationship or to discover herself who nshe is etc outside of being in a long term relationship. i just hope she works it out THIS time and never puts someone through the **** i have just endured lol