My gf is pregnant but all we do is fight constantly

[jerrygordon3]

So, I have been seeing someone since July. it was fine for the first month and then we started dating officially and she works at a bar. She got drunk and stayed out after work or until 3;30 am i think 11 out of the 14 days under scrutiny. these 14 days mark the beginning and end of our official period"". There were two instances where she asked me to take off work- the first was because she was so drunk she lost her keys and I spent the day wheeling her around to get her car. The second I sat around at her house I might add from 6 PM until 3 am, at which point I drove home and went to the gym at 4 am, which was when she called me super drunk and told me I needed to come back over and accused me of being w someone else. Another night she had a " panic attack" and I watched the sun come up with her sobbing the whole night. Another night I had work off and we had plans to go on a cute date when she got off work at 6 pm. well, at 7 i had to contact her- every hour ( okay leaving now/ ten minutes/ twenty minutes)- then at maybe 1 or 2 am she calls me absolutely **** faced and I drive over after more or less two weeks of being together where she was always getting hammered, and then not really feeling bad for it, being distant, and even didn't have my number saved in her phone, i look at her texts and she has flirtatious texts with other guys back and forth and one with a guy I know she had slept w before me. I had deleted/ blocked/ dismissed all my potentials, but she obviously didn't extend the same courtesy so, when I saw her saying she missed guy A, and that guy B was Rad and she was so glad they had met, when he had told her she was rad and HOT, i left her house and ended things. since then she's been essentially begging for me back saying she made a huge mistake etc, and she just didn't flip into relationship mode and she was terrible to me and feels horrible and wants us to work things out and to be together and she's gonna stop drinking and spend more time at the gym etc. its been going on for about a week now and I'm getting confused. should I give this person another shot or just be done with it?

Edited October 10, 2017 by jerrygordon3
because

[KBob]

should I give this person another shot or just be done with it?

 

Maybe if she starts going to AA.

[coolheadal]

Well Jerry, that call is yours! I am one to give a woman a shot and second chance. Only a second chance mind you. She's regretted her actions and sees you now for the man you could be for her. So give it a second go and see what happens?

 

1. Does she stop drinking

2. Does she go to the gym

3. Does she stop flirting with guys from the bar and in texts

4. Does she spend time with you instead of you being her taxi driver or ride

 

What do you get out of all of this too. Has everything changed for the better?

 

Drinking part is tough one to stop, but I guess she's depress and the drinking is her way out of current life she leads. Working in a bar I am sure she gets hit on a lot. She likes you I can tell, the way you have notice how she misses you. Jerry go for it try to see if she changes if she doesn't they you say this to her"hey I tried baby, but you are not living up to your promises that you made too me. You have lost a great man I now all I can say is goodbye!" But this should only be said if she lied to you and not fulfill her promises 1 to 4 listed above? If you see her start hitting the bottle again you need to leave her for good. I hope you don't have to deal with that problem with her ever again. Report back how it goes with you and her now! If you had taken my advise to give her a second chance? I hope you do.. Take care

Edited October 10, 2017 by coolheadal

[BaileyB]

Is this the woman that you had previously dated and broke up, and got back together again and broke up with again this past summer? In which case, this summer was her second chance...

 

Take her back if you want, but this on again-off again relationship isn't very healthy and it is unlikely to go the distance...

[Gaeta]

You have to be smarter than that, right??

 

This woman is what we call the bottom of the barral. You can do better than this l hope.

[jerrygordon3]

From the time I wake up until I go to bed.. 3/4 maybe 5 nights it’s the same thing. Of course it’s made me pull back which has made matters worse. Conversation after conversation turns into her crying and nothing I say makes it any better. No amount of “ I love you”, 30 minutes of 4 hours. Whether I skip the gym and stay indoors and hang out in usual misery broken up w 30-60 minute increments where there’s a bit of quiet.. but then I say I want to go to the gym, or when she mentions not wanting to keep the baby if I say how I’ve started to feel “ we both have a lot going for ourselves right now and on top of that all we do is fight”... before I told her I wanted her to do whatever she wants and I’ll support her... of course I’ve pulled back. But I still spend countless hours with her. Kiss her often. Tell her I love her. Even though I don’t want to say it. It’s more or less been this way since we started dating again in July. I get that she feels vulnerable but I’m so emotionally drained I can’t even fake it is there something wrong with me??! Nothing I seem to do ends with her saying I understand, let’s try being nicer..” nothing. Just tears and endless conversations met by .... “ it doesn’t matter, I’m done trying to make you : blank”... I’ve tried being distant I’ve tried fighting back I’ve tried mainly to calmly navigate the prelude but it’s always met with a crescendo. Do I just call it quits or keep trying. It doesn’t seem like I can make this person happy and I don’t want to believe it’s a deficit in me. Any insight... quite the situation at hand here

[Blanco]

This isn't the same one from your other threads is it?

[jerrygordon3]

No new person

[Blanco]

OK, reading up that you've only been together since July. So, presumably an unplanned pregnancy.

 

I don't know, jerry, it seems like you are part of volatile relationship after volatile relationship.

 

I'm disappointed to read you got so involved with someone so quickly; weren't you dating a mother or something not long before July?

 

I just get the sense that you've not let yourself be single very much and you bounce from toxic relationship to toxic relationship. At a certain point, you have to look inward as to why this keeps happening.

[basil67]

This girl has the same timeline and same behaviour http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/634964-girl-i-m-dating-texted-me-100-times-two-hours It's not her? If it's not the same girl, then your 'picker' is seriously broken.

 

What are the issues she's upset over? It's interesting that you only mention her behaviour and not the underlying cause.

[jerrygordon3]

More or less it just seems like I’m constantly under attack and nothing I do makes her happy. It’s constant fighting and she wants to keep the baby but I’m miserable and I’m trying everything and nothing works. She says I don’t try and that I don’t talk to her but we talk about a subject for ten minutes or an hour, it doesn’t matter. She still says I never take the time to work things out.. my response... I am using alllllll my free time to “ work things out” and nothing is working and you’re still mad at me for not kissing you enough, or this or that, or not making more of an effort, or not asking her to do things. I work. A lot. And I’ve done plenty w her when I have free time. She just seems pissed off at everything ever.

[basil67]

Has she ever given you tangible ways you can make things better?

[TheFinalWord]

Was she like this before she was pregnant? Women go through tons of hormonal ups and downs while pregnant. Some even get postpartum depression. It may just be the pregnancy.

[basil67]

Was she like this before she was pregnant? Women go through tons of hormonal ups and downs while pregnant. Some even get postpartum depression. It may just be the pregnancy.

 

Yes, hormones can do a real number on a pregnant woman. But if the OP is doing nothing wrong, and she wasn't a nut job before the pregnancy, I would say she needs psych help pronto.

 

That said, it does sound like there is somewhat of a disconnect between Jerry and his partner.

[Art_Critic]

Do you want the baby ? it sounds like she is picking up on something and is putting her in a conundrum of what to do

[Gaeta]

Years ago I ended up at my doctor with my then husband in the hope to see what was wrong with me, I was crying from morning to night and I would put my husband through a roller coaster. At the time we thought I was being hit with a severe depression, well I was not depressed, I was pregnant! and only pregnant of about 6 weeks and already my hormones made me a mad woman. It lasted another month and it subsided on its own. Knowing all these emotions were caused by my pregnancy helped a lot keeping my sanity.

 

How far along is she? She needs to visit her doctor and you need to go along.

[d0nnivain]

In the mere 3 months you have been together you have managed to create a life. Basically she's having a stranger's baby. No matter whether she choses to keep the baby, put it up for adoption or terminate the pregnancy her life has changed FOREVER over this.

 

You have to start by acknowledging that. It's her body so this is effecting her more than you. Yes, you know she's having a baby but it's not the same thing as being the one who has that life inside her.

 

The deadline for terminating the pregnancy is fast approaching. She probably senses you would prefer that she abort & it's causing a conflict. The only "correct answer" here for you is "I'll support whatever decision you make, honey."

 

You may want to start talking to lawyers about your CS obligations & joint custody. Are you & your GF going to play house & try to raise the baby together? How will you pay for the expenses? Can your GF get time off for the delivery? What are your child care options? All of this is scary stuff & you are down to 6 months of planning time.

[BaileyB]

With a history of unhealthy and volatile relationships, an unplanned pregnancy makes this relationship even more unstable and volatile.

 

I'm sorry. I have nothing to suggest. I'm just sad, that a child is going to be brought into this world in this way.

Edited November 8, 2017 by BaileyB

[Gaeta]

They are not new ftom July, they got back together in July.

[BaileyB]

They are not new ftom July, they got back together in July.

 

If this is the right girl, there has been disclosure of trust issues, past history of cheating, alcohol abuse, and ... perhaps some mental health issues, given her history of volatile and unstable behavior.

 

Not exactly, the kind of woman with whom most people want to build a life and raise a family.

[smackie9]

I know you don't want to give up, so I suggest couples counseling/therapy for the sake of this child's well being when it comes into your life....I think you owe it to the baby and the mother. It's the responsible thing to do. Man up.

[d0nnivain]

They are not new ftom July, they got back together in July.

 

 

Well that is a little better. But if they broke up before, adding a baby to this tumultuous situation is not ideal.

[No_Go]

What causes the arguments? Target the route cause, I refuse to believe all the BS that people just are 'broken' and argue for the sake of arguing. If you identify the real reason behind - there is a chance to save the relationship, which will be for the best of your future child...

[kendahke]

What was the first thing you thought when she told you she was pregnant?

 

What was the first thing you said to her when she told you she was pregnant?

 

I can tell you this much: This here:

I told her I wanted her to do whatever she wants and I’ll support her... of course I’ve pulled back.

is the reason why she's acting like she's acting.

 

She knows you're backing out slowly--and what she's experiencing is probably more along the lines of separation anxiety and abject fear of having to go through parenting alone and not in the construct she may have wanted all her life. She may have thought you were her protector but you've shown her that you're anything but.

 

But... you were having unprotected sex with someone who has been giving you the blues and with whom you weren't in the headspace to 1. commit to her; 2. be a parent. So... what up wi' dat?

[basil67]

More or less it just seems like I’m constantly under attack and nothing I do makes her happy. It’s constant fighting and she wants to keep the baby but I’m miserable and I’m trying everything and nothing works. She says I don’t try and that I don’t talk to her but we talk about a subject for ten minutes or an hour, it doesn’t matter. She still says I never take the time to work things out.. my response... I am using alllllll my free time to “ work things out” and nothing is working and you’re still mad at me for not kissing you enough, or this or that, or not making more of an effort, or not asking her to do things. I work. A lot. And I’ve done plenty w her when I have free time. She just seems pissed off at everything ever.

 

Jerry, I'm seeing issues in this post.

 

When she says that the two of you don't "talk", she's not referencing a conversation. She's referring to emotional connection. You could spend an hour dispassionately discussing architecture and it won't meet her needs for emotional connection.

 

You're not kissing her enough? Again, it's loss of emotional connection.

 

You work. A lot. This limits emotional connection too. How many hours per week do you work? What is your plan to pull back and do more reasonable hours?

 

In short, I see a lonely, confused woman who's flooded with pregnancy hormones and feels little connection with you. She's trying to establish one, but I'm not sure you understand what she needs. I'm even more inclined to say this because you seem to not have a real understanding of what is going wrong for her.