Any hope on a second chance?

[MABD]

I’ve been dating a guy for 3 months now. We’re both divorced (although have both dates others prior to eachother), and in our 30’sz Upon meeting, we instantly clicked, instant chemistry, it was amazing. He fell head over heels for me fast, and we both agreed how weird it was because we had never felt this way this quickly before in the past. 3 weeks later, he tells me he loves me and I’m extatic, however we both got drunk, got into a spat, and although resolved a week later he confessed that the arguement sent him to a dark place (issues reminding him of his ex) and he wasn’t sure if he wanted to be with someone and settle down, but he wanted to continue to see me, because I was so comfortable to be around. We agreed that we would only be with eachother also. He likes his space and alone time very much!

 

The next two and half months are amazing! We hang out more often, begin to really open up to eachother, I tell him I love him and he DOESNT freak out, he lets me stay at his place after he goes to work, he tells me he will leave his door unlocked when I want to come over after work (I work late), I meet his brother and more friends, I take care of him when he’s sick, I start coming over just to sleep and cuddle, he starts talking about going on vacation together and looks up prices, he goes out of town for a weekend and stays in constant contact with me, sending me pictures, telling me when he gets back to the hotel.... we start falling into a ”relationship”. Although I would’ve liked more, I was happy with where things were going and the rate it was progressing. There were times when he would pull back a little bit but I learned to respect his space, and would give it to him. We’ve always had great communication and have never had problems telling the other of something.

 

2 weeks ago we went to an event and because of the new medication I’m on, I ended up getting highly intoxicated without noticing (blood thinners). I could tell he was a little irritated because I was apologizing too much, but we did have a good time. That week he pulled back slightly, and I allowed him his space. Although we talked everyday, I suggested the nights I was free and we would figure it out.

 

One night that week I mentioned bringing him food, and he said he was tired and needed to get some sleep to be up early in the morning for work (4am). I reassured him I wasn’t mad, wished him a good night, and went about my evening. The next morning while texting a gf, and being a little disappointed, I screen shot our previous night convo and put “shot down again... **** Him”.... except I accidentally sent it TO HIM!! I immediately apologize, but he never responds. So the next day I offer to swing by his house and drop something he asked about earlier in the week off if he had time....... again no response. So I figure he’s still mad, I’ll give it a few more days. I wait 4 days, and send him an apology, asking if he could get together so I could apologize in person, and explain. That I enjoy our time together and it’s not something I want to lose, etc etc.

 

A few hours later I realize my text was never “delivered”.... I realize that I’m blocked! However- throughout the entire time since I sent that, he ROUTINELY looked at my story on snapchat. Legit the first one usually. So I figure- I’ll send this through Snapchat- insuring it will atleast be delivered. However he hasn’t opened it, BUT CONTINUES TO LOOK AT MY SNAPCHAT STORY!!!

 

I guess my question is- If he was “done” would he still watch me on social media? KNOWING I can see he does. Any suggestions on how to get him back? I know it was only 3 months, but I’m so deeply in love with this man! I feel horrible for sending that text, but I was venting to a gf and my feeling were hurt from not seeing him. Do you think there’s hope? Do you think he’s honestly done with me or maybe just taking a break and giving himself some space? I’m honestly devastated. This is so painful!

[Bantosm]

Yes, there's always hope for a second chance. I've seen many couples who had worse get back together. The incident may have just been the catalyst, did you notice him pulling away before that? I follow some of my exes on social media mostly out of curiosity.

[MABD]

Yes, there's always hope for a second chance. I've seen many couples who had worse get back together. The incident may have just been the catalyst, did you notice him pulling away before that? I follow some of my exes on social media mostly out of curiosity.

 

Aside from the irritation from what happened at the event earlier in the week (which I explained and apologized for over apologizing- and he understood and said it was fine) the EXACT OPPOSITE! We’ve been spending MORE time together!!

 

I get you’d follow some exes on social media out of curiousity- however- if he was trying to end things with me- and blocked me- wouldn’t you think he wouldn’t view my stuff knowing I can see him doing so? Idk I kinda feel that if he was done- he would’ve told me he was done. That he blocked me because he’s mad, not finished, well I atleast hope so

[Bantosm]

If he genuinely wanted to end things with you he would probably have little concern as to whether you knew he was visiting your pages. If you expect him to be direct enough to tell you he's finished with the relationship then why wouldn't you expect him to be direct enough to tell you he's still interested?

[TheWoman]

Blocking is quite a definitive move, unless he is super immature and punishing you which is not ideal either. But more likely he thinks its over. He probably sees your accidental message as a betrayal, even though women do tend to share like that with their friends, I dont think men do so much and may find it hard to understand.

 

Stop apologizing, it is not attractive and doesn't really mean much to anyone.

You could try to send him a message some other way (facebook or email perhaps) along the lines of 'would be good to meet up and have a chat, seems a shame to leave things on a sour note'. But overall do not chase, do not apologize and do not stalk, none of those things will work. Let him know you are open to talking and move on with your life, the more you cling to this the less likely it is that it will work out.

[MABD]

Both are valid points. Truthfully, I haven’t been chasing him. I sent that message Tuesday, and that was it. Not stalkinging, no clingyness..... I’m giving him space. I actually talked to my old therapist last night and she did make some valid points, however it’s hard to be hopeful. She said that if he was done, he would’ve told me. Blocking is his defense mechanism because he’s pissed and his ego is bruised. That if he was done he would’ve told me or would’ve unfriended me on Snapchat, or atleast wouldn’t be worried about what I’m doing daily watching my posts. I understand that he might’ve viewed it as betrayal, but honestly, as a female- I was just venting frustration. It was not MALICIOUS!

 

In the message I sent I did ask him if he could get together to talk about things, it wasn’t only an apology. However, I don’t have another way to communicate with aside from showing up at his house, and I’m not gonna do that lol.

 

Any suggestions of stories on how to get this guy back? With the risk of sounding pathetic, I truly felt this man is the love of my life. That all the bs we went through before with our previous marriages brought us to eachother, our “new chapter” per-say. The thought of not having him in my life is horrible.

[d0nnivain]

Sadly from his perspective this was kind of your third strike:

 

1. early on you did something that reminded him of his EX which sent him to a dark place

 

2. you got drunk, maybe because of the meds, but he clearly was annoyed. I'm not saying he was right or that he shouldn't have forgiven you but this event happened

 

3. Now you sent a screen shot of what he thought was a private conversation between the two of you to your friend. I wonder if he could have gotten past you just being annoyed but IMO the screen shot feel like an invasion of privacy / oversharing.

 

 

A mature person would have talked to you about this. Instead he pouted & blocked you. This doesn't say anything good about his ability to resolve conflict.

 

Him following you on social media is just another instance of the double edged side of the technology. In the bad old days people resorted to driving by the EXs house. If you don't want him to see your story, unfriend him. It's that simple If he's not willing to talk, I'd be annoyed that he wanted to look into my life. Get rid of him.

 

As much as you think you care for him, it was only 3 months. It was a "try out" to see if you were compatible. While you may have been on some levels on other levels there was too much drama & this wasn't working for him.

[MABD]

That’s what makes me upset- he’s been drunk plenty of times, I was never annoyed. He didn’t seem like it bothered him really, me apologizing about it while drunk annoyed him. I understand t might come off as drama- but it wasn’t! I also don’t understand how small instances as the last two could be a strike or make us incompatible. People get drunk- woman vent. I want him back and have no idea how to even begin to make that happen or even try!

 

 

So here’s my other question-

 

He damaged a pair of pants- HIS FAVORITE PANTS- a few weeks back and I had taken them to fix them. I did- but not that well, lol. We’ve both been searching online for them, and last week a guy I sent a message to on eBay finally messaged me back that he had them and I got them for him as a surprise. So of coarse- they come in the mail yesterday. I DONT WANT THEM- CANT RETURN THEM! I still have his old pants too.

 

Should I just send them to him? Not as a gift but as “hey- I ordered these for you a week ago, they came- take them I can’t return them”. I don’t want it to come off as clingy- because that’s not my intention. My intention is- I can’t teturn them, and don’t want the reminder if you around my house- so please- take your pants”.

[d0nnivain]

I would put both pairs of pants in a box / envelope -- think USPS if it fits it ships & mail them back to him.

[MABD]

I would put both pairs of pants in a box / envelope -- think USPS if it fits it ships & mail them back to him.

 

Ok. Well it wouldn’t be mailing them back, rather then mailing them to him.

 

Should I include a note or letter of some sort?

 

And do you think this will ruin my chances of getting back together?

[d0nnivain]

You want to use the pants as pretext to get back together. I suppose it's worth a shot. I don't think it will help but it might get you in the door so to speak. In that case, you have to arrange a hand delivery & I don't know how you do that if he won't talk to. Just showing up at his house feels more like an ambush & is likely to piss him off.

 

If you mail them to him as I suggested, no note is required. He will recognize his own pants & probably remember that you had looked for a replacement on line. The note is not necessary. Some heartfelt I want to get back together missive will not achieve the result you desire. He'll probably read the first few lines & throw it away.

 

Any small unrealistic hope you have of getting him to listen requires face to face communication.

[MABD]

You want to use the pants as pretext to get back together. I suppose it's worth a shot. I don't think it will help but it might get you in the door so to speak. In that case, you have to arrange a hand delivery & I don't know how you do that if he won't talk to. Just showing up at his house feels more like an ambush & is likely to piss him off.

 

If you mail them to him as I suggested, no note is required. He will recognize his own pants & probably remember that you had looked for a replacement on line. The note is not necessary. Some heartfelt I want to get back together missive will not achieve the result you desire. He'll probably read the first few lines & throw it away.

 

Any small unrealistic hope you have of getting him to listen requires face to face communication.

 

 

I guess as a pre-text, sort of, more of a I don’t want sending him the pants to ruin my chances of getting back together, or atleast opening communication. Don’t want sending him the pants to deter him from face to face communication in the future I guess. I don’t want the pants to come off as “crazy”.... cuz that’s not what I’m trying to convey and isn’t what I am.

 

What are yours or anyone’s suggestions to getting him back?

[Zahara]

I guess my question is- If he was “done” would he still watch me on social media? KNOWING I can see he does. Any suggestions on how to get him back? I know it was only 3 months, but I’m so deeply in love with this man! I feel horrible for sending that text, but I was venting to a gf and my feeling were hurt from not seeing him. Do you think there’s hope? Do you think he’s honestly done with me or maybe just taking a break and giving himself some space? I’m honestly devastated. This is so painful!

 

Trolling your social media doesn't mean someone wants to get back with you. People do this out of curiosity and I am sure there is still an attachment to you hence checking into your social media.

 

The best you can do is stop chasing. You've apologized enough and it is now up to him to decide if he can move on from it. Groveling becomes a turn off especially when someone is stepping away from you.

 

I have a strong feeling that there is something brewing deeper in there emotionally -- if he was already pulling back at times during the relationship (when things were good), then this has probably sent him off the charts. He's retreated. Let him come back to you, and if he doesn't you have to move on. You can't make a person want you.

[Jdoublenn]

Send the pants. No note.

 

Wait to see if you hear from him, and if not, be done. Block him on snap so he can't see your story. If he's gonna be a baby and block your number, and not respond to a nice, friendly gesture, he doesn't deserve to sit there and "watch" your life...

[KikiCat]

So sorry you're going through all this drama. I think you should package up the pants and drop them off at his place. If he's not there, leave them at the door, but if he is home, maybe he will talk to you. You deserve to have a conversation about breaking up. Just blocking you is not a conversation.

 

A story to make you feel better. I got married when I was 19, and we were married for 17 years. Then my husband decided he wasn't happy and we got a divorce. He remarried and had a daughter and adopted her son. She cheated on him, and they got divorced. We met again at my nephew's wedding and started talking. Long story short, we got back together and have been together for another 17 years. We're really happy.

 

What you have is three months of a relationship, and you want to find out if it's really over or not. That's worth a conversation. Try to go over when he's home and ask him to just talk to you. If he refuses, you'll have your answer. But you might just start talking and straighten this all out. I think it's worth a try.