Just found out my gf of almost 4 years wants to sleep with her boss

[Robbierob]

So ive been with her for almost 4 years, everythings been great until tonight. The way she spoke about her boss to me started to worry me and i know its bad but i fogured id check her internet history and its packed full of google searched stating "i want to sleep with my boss" "monogamy" "my boss wants to sleep with me" ect... on top of that there was a couple of searches about "how to pluck up the courage to kill myself".as you can imagine im pretty disturbed right now, as far as im aware everything has been great, we have no money troubles, we travel together all the time, we have it pretty good and im totally in love with her, and i dont know what to think right now.

I know she has anxiety issues, but im not counting that as an excuse to cheat. I dont think she has cheated, she usually tells me everything. Shes an attractive woman, so she does tend to get hit on and im ok with that because i do trust her.

 

But this has really knocked me for seven, should i still trust her? Im planning to confront her about it tomorrow when she gets back from work...

 

And i dont even know what to think about the suicide talk... i have no idea how to deal with that information. Im really worried so if anyones dealt with anything similar to thia i could really use some advice.

Edited November 9, 2017 by Robbierob

[darkmoon]

what result do you want from the confrontation?

 

if you confront in an angry way, it is likely that she will be angry back, and your relationship will get worse

 

say what you want (anything you like) but with a non-angry tone of voice, and watch her body language and hear her words. See the real her. You might need several conversations to get to the truth. Take it slowly then to get to the bottom of the story.

[KatrinaR]

"Confrontation" is not what you want. That approach is not one that lends itself to great communication, which is what you need. Hopefully, confront was not really the word you wanted to use.

 

Darkmoon is right. This is a conversation of concern and support, beginning with her feelings of suicide, I'd hope.

 

Maybe she is feeling trapped, maybe a boss is making sexual advances, sleep with him or commit suicide? You know she has anxiety issues.

 

I know you must be feeling scared about your relationship; you have every right to....BUT, stop thinking about you, and, at least, first worry about her.

 

If it turns out the other way and she is not feeling trapped in a bad situation, then the conversation can make a natural turn in that direction, but I would definitely approach it from a real concern about her first.

 

Hope that makes sense....and best of luck.

[darkmoon]

I did not quite mean that though

 

for you do not want to either put words in her mouth or play the pity-card for her

 

I meant "I found searches about sleeping with the boss and about suicide - why did you make these two searches?"

 

just listen to what she says back, then proceed to evaluate before the next convo, if a next one is required

Edited November 9, 2017 by darkmoon

[Robbierob]

Thanks guys, i did mean talk to her, not confront.

 

She does feel trapped, a few people she works with kind of bully her, or at the very least they arent very nice to her. I dont know the whole situation as im not there I can only understand from what she tells me. Over the last couple of weeks shes said she wants to quit her job because of how shes treated by a few of the people she works with. But its nearly christmas and we are going on holiday in december, so its not a great time for her to put herself out of work...

 

I'm more worried about her than myself, but I still feel betrayed, I cant think of anything that I personally have done to drive her away. Im not even sure if thats whats happening here.

 

Everything still seems completely fine, I know her boss has been flirting with her, at one point she was actually going to send a letter to head office about it. But now hes "her best friend at work". Im just really confused, i dont even know where to begin.

[Guildford]

You say you have been with this lady for almost four years, you love her and you two have a great relationship, but has there been any discussion of marriage? Have you proposed? She may be wondering where this relationship and her life is going. You may be comfortable with this relationship, but is she? You might want to bring up this issue when you talk with her.

[BlueIvy]

So ive been with her for almost 4 years, everythings been great until tonight. The way she spoke about her boss to me started to worry me and i know its bad but i fogured id check her internet history and its packed full of google searched stating "i want to sleep with my boss" "monogamy" "my boss wants to sleep with me" ect... on top of that there was a couple of searches about "how to pluck up the courage to kill myself".as you can imagine im pretty disturbed right now, as far as im aware everything has been great, we have no money troubles, we travel together all the time, we have it pretty good and im totally in love with her, and i dont know what to think right now.

I know she has anxiety issues, but im not counting that as an excuse to cheat. I dont think she has cheated, she usually tells me everything. Shes an attractive woman, so she does tend to get hit on and im ok with that because i do trust her.

 

 

 

But this has really knocked me for seven, should i still trust her? Im planning to confront her about it tomorrow when she gets back from work...

 

And i dont even know what to think about the suicide talk... i have no idea how to deal with that information. Im really worried so if anyones dealt with anything similar to thia i could really use some advice.

 

 

I wouldn't mention the Internet searches and give her the chance to tell how she feels about the relationship. If you feel like she is lying, then I would mention you "came upon" the search history.

 

Usually, when women cheat or think of cheating, most of the times it's emotional. So, maybe she is not getting something from you and feels her Boss can give that to her, like affectionate, support, giving her compliments,etc.

 

As for the suicide, mention you are alarmed and tell her if she feels that way, you are willing to support her. It may be nothing though.

[usa1ah]

The reason they are treating her this way might be because of her relationship with her boss. They might see what your is going on.

 

By her internet searches it sounds as if her boss has let her know he is interested is her.

 

She is at the very least having a emotional affair.

[usa1ah]

As for the suicide thoughts.

 

It could be a combination of pressure from her boss, guilt because she wants to sleep with him and the bullying by the coworkers.

 

First think, to hell with the vacation plans and she needs to quit the kid yesterday.

 

Be up front and honest about what you know and how you know it. Be kind about it and the way you proceed from here.

[GoldenR]

"I want to sleep with my boss"

 

That pretty much says it all right there. You now know how much she respects you and your relationship with her.

 

She didn't search "My boss is pressuring me to sleep with him". She searched " I want to sleep with my boss".

 

Do you really want to be with a girl that admittedly wants to have sex with a man that is in a position of superiority over her who she sees approximately 5 times a week? She's already in at least an EA with him, even if it is one sided which I doubt bc the suicide search makes it look like its about to go physical and she's having a hard time with the guilt.

 

You're not married. No mention of kids.

 

This answer won't be popular, but a clean break now is the answer. It frees her up to be with her boss guilt free and the suicide thoughts should be gone. And it frees you up to find a partner that you deserve.

Edited November 9, 2017 by GoldenR

[dichotomy]

As a mid level boss (manager) to VP and even office President for a short while, never had any woman ask to sleep with me, grab my crotch, or hang their boobs over me. Never. Maybe I give off a boy scout -dad- vibe (i do ), or maybe its more about the profession I am in - but never had any problems. I also just have not seen anything usual in the office or from fellow managers. Worst was a bit of fawning or excessive compliments to senior managers - but heck I do a bit of that myself to higher ups.

 

If your GF's boss has expressed direct interest in sleeping with her - then his career is at risk. I can't tell you the amount of harassment training I have had in the last 20 years but recently its gotten to 6 hours of training (with tests I need to pass) every two years in my role. they also have different training for managers then staff - its very clear what will happen if a compliant is lodged. Company emails and phones will be examined and a full investigation will happen if even a "peep" is raised to HR about a boss having relationships with staff. Even a sexist comment or joke is enough to get you in trouble - and this now extends to race, religion and sexual orientation groups.

 

Lastly I would add I don't always think that a google search is 100% reality - people search for wacky stuff and thoughts (not me of course). You need to get more detailed information ....and spy some more before doing anything.

Edited November 9, 2017 by dichotomy

[elaine567]

You have two options one 1) confront and probably have her tell you a load of lies or 2) keep your eyes and ears open and see where this is going.

ATM, you have access to her internet history, if you confront, that will end immediately as she will put passwords on everything, when she finds out you have been snooping, (whether she is cheating or not) and you will be totally in the dark.

[merrmeade]

With all the news about sexual harassment, assault and power plays from employers, celebrities and people in power in general, I started talking to my husband about the times I was hit on, propositioned, fondled or kissed. It was the first time I'd ever put them all together as the same kind of incident. There was this feeling of . Each one was sleazy and left me with my own shame and embarrassment even though it wasn't my fault and even devalued when told it was the only reason I'd been hired.

 

No wonder she has suicidal thoughts. It's confusing, shaming, and dehumanizing to be treated like an object instead of a capable, worthwhile participant in an organization.

[GoldenR]

With all the news about sexual harassment, assault and power plays from employers, celebrities and people in power in general, I started talking to my husband about the times I was hit on, propositioned, fondled or kissed. It was the first time I'd ever put them all together as the same kind of incident. There was this feeling of . Each one was sleazy and left me with my own shame and embarrassment even though it wasn't my fault and even devalued when told it was the only reason I'd been hired.

 

No wonder she has suicidal thoughts. It's confusing, shaming, and dehumanizing to be treated like an object instead of a capable, worthwhile participant in an organization.

 

Nowhere does the OP state that she's being sexually harassed or even hit on. And her googling about wanting to have sex with her boss sure doesn't support it either. In fact it seems as if she's the aggressor.

Edited November 9, 2017 by GoldenR

[road]

Thanks guys, i did mean talk to her, not confront.

 

She does feel trapped, a few people she works with kind of bully her, or at the very least they arent very nice to her. I dont know the whole situation as im not there I can only understand from what she tells me. Over the last couple of weeks shes said she wants to quit her job because of how shes treated by a few of the people she works with. But its nearly christmas and we are going on holiday in december, so its not a great time for her to put herself out of work...

 

I'm more worried about her than myself, but I still feel betrayed, I cant think of anything that I personally have done to drive her away. Im not even sure if thats whats happening here.

 

Everything still seems completely fine, I know her boss has been flirting with her, at one point she was actually going to send a letter to head office about it. But now hes "her best friend at work". Im just really confused, i dont even know where to begin.

 

The reason they are treating her this way might be because of her relationship with her boss. They might see what your is going on.

 

By her internet searches it sounds as if her boss has let her know he is interested is her.

 

She is at the very least having a emotional affair.

 

 

Soon as I read your post I said there must be at least an

EA going on at work and the other women see it. Thus

why they are "out to get her". Which is just a cheaters self

denial that see is doing anything wrong at work.

[dichotomy]

Nowhere does the OP state that she's being sexually harassed or even hit on. And her googling about wanting to have sex with her boss sure doesn't support it either. In fact it seems as if she's the aggressor.

 

 

I thought one of her searches is "my boss wants to have sex with me". The other search was about her wanting to sleep with him. The last one was about suicide. So its not healthy anyway you look at who is the aggressor.

 

Its depends how this started and what the situations are - but in general sleeping with a lower level employee can be against company policy. It also creates an atmosphere which may be considered sexually hostile or preferential.... "Stacy gets special treatment or because she is XXX the boss". That is even if SHE does not lodge a complaint (she wants the boss) - other employees can file complaints. The training I get is "just dont do it with someone under you"

[Southern Sun]

I ended up in an affair with my boss. It is true, there is a known sexual dynamic between women and authority figures. Sometimes, it is a dynamic that can be taken advantage of, too.

 

(I certainly never grabbed his crotch! He pursued me).

 

Anyway. Ironically, the way my H discovered the affair was by MY google searches ("in love with my boss", etc). He confronted me, I spilled.

 

It sounds like nothing has happened yet, or at least not the big deed. There may be an EA of sorts happening though. I would sit her down and tell her you are very sorry for looking at her private things, but you have sensed her behavior is off and you felt you needed to see if something was going on. And you saw those searches. Even more concerning, you saw the one about killing herself. Tell her you are there for her and you want to help her get out of whatever situation she is stuck in or feeling stuck in. That you understand people are human and we do get attracted to others, but if it stops before it gets physical, hopefully you guys can work things out.

 

If however she truly wants to pursue a relationship with her boss, tell her you would rather know and end things now instead of having her cheat on you.

[BaileyB]

I think your girlfriend needs to start looking for another job... for several reasons.

[road]

I think your girlfriend needs to start looking for another job... for several reasons.

 

Sound advice. If you GF wants you she has to leave this job

right after you have the talk.

[Robbierob]

I ended up in an affair with my boss. It is true, there is a known sexual dynamic between women and authority figures. Sometimes, it is a dynamic that can be taken advantage of, too.

 

(I certainly never grabbed his crotch! He pursued me).

 

Anyway. Ironically, the way my H discovered the affair was by MY google searches ("in love with my boss", etc). He confronted me, I spilled.

 

It sounds like nothing has happened yet, or at least not the big deed. There may be an EA of sorts happening though. I would sit her down and tell her you are very sorry for looking at her private things, but you have sensed her behavior is off and you felt you needed to see if something was going on. And you saw those searches. Even more concerning, you saw the one about killing herself. Tell her you are there for her and you want to help her get out of whatever situation she is stuck in or feeling stuck in. That you understand people are human and we do get attracted to others, but if it stops before it gets physical, hopefully you guys can work things out.

 

If however she truly wants to pursue a relationship with her boss, tell her you would rather know and end things now instead of having her cheat on you.

 

Thanks, i should probably mention her boss is married and has 2 kids his youngest was only born last week... i know she hasnt done anything physical, but even if shes been having an EA it still feels like a total betrayal. I'll be speaking to her in about half an hour so hopefully i can figure out whats going on. We are in a very serious relationship, Ive been racking my brain trying to figure out what she could be lacking in our relationship, or what i'm lacking i should say and ive come up with nothing. Not trying to say im the perfect boyfriend, but im pretty sure im one of the better ones.

 

Shes confided in her boss a lot over the last couple of months and kind of blanked me some nights and that to me says shes choosing him over me for emotional support. She cant really run off into the sunset with him because of his situation, but im not even sure if thats what she wants. It needs to get dealt with either way, i havent slept a wink and my stomachs been churning all day with worry.

[Robbierob]

I think your girlfriend needs to start looking for another job... for several reasons.

 

Yeah I think so too... never thought we wouldd be in this position though, everythings been great, genuinely the best relationship ive ever had by miles. I dont get it...

[lolablue17]

I suggest that befor you confront her, try to be prepared and think what do you want to do next. Suppose she admits that she desires her boss even not with these specific words, she's sorry and want o fix things.

 

Do you agree? Do you demand her to quit her job and keep NC with him? Do you demand to see her phone messages apps logs? What if she refuses to hand you her phone?

 

You don't have to decide everything before you talk to her, but you should at least be in an advanced mode of controlling your options.

[stillafool]

I think your girlfriend needs to start looking for another job... for several reasons.

 

Yes and you OP need to start looking for a new gf. This one wants her boss.

[sandylee1]

He just had a child last week... I can see he could well try and pursue a physical thing now thst his wife has just given birth.

 

Had she suffered from depression before?

The suicide talk is very worrying.

 

I hope your talk goes well.

[stillafool]

Thanks, i should probably mention her boss is married and has 2 kids his youngest was only born last week...

 

 

So her boss is horny as hell because his wife can't give it to him. He just wants your gf for sex. With this information they are pursuing each other. She may be talking suicide because she has already had sex and fallen for her boss. She probably feels guilty for what she is doing to you and hurt because she will never have her boss.