My sister want to be best friends with my new mother-in-law

[Jasmine17]

I am 40 years old and on my second marriage, we have a 2 year old. My sister lives several states away from me. My in-laws live close to me. My sister was mailed a baby shower announcement from my mother-in-law with my in-law's number on it for rsvp. My sister called my mother-in-law and kept her on the phone for an hour (which my mother-in-law told me about). This was her first ever contact with my mother-in-law, as i had not had a wedding yet. My mother-in-law's comment about it was that they are "best friends" now....which never sat well with me since I hadn't even had time to get to know her yet. I tend to build a relationship a little at a time. Sometime after I had my baby, I shared with my sister about ways my mother-in-law was being disrespectful and overbearing towards me (which my husband sorted out & things are good now between me & all my in-laws).. My sister defended her, and continued to communicate by phone and text with my mother-in-law. I would only find out of their communication occassionally when my husband and I would visit at his parents house on the weekends. My sister would call me, but never mention she had recently been texting/talking again with her. His mother would mention that my sister texted her and she'd ask how she was doing. My mother-in-law stated that my sister invited her to come to her state & stay at her place for a visit & she said she might take her up on that. So I got fed up and asked my sister nicely to stop communication with my mother-in-law. She said she just likes to keep in touch with them because they are nice & they are family. Then, I find out from my husband that my sister had her husband contact him to ask a question about my finances and my husband was asked not to tell me about the conversation. Of course, he told me and i told my sister that that if she had any questions about me to ask me. My sister said she went to him because she wanted "the truth". I had already mentioned to my sister that money was tight, so I'm not sure what truth she thought she wasn't getting. Not that it is any of her business anyway. I wasn't asking her for money nor was I boasting about being weathy. So, 2 weeks later, I find out that my sister is again communicating with my mother-in-law. So, I text my sister a very stern but not nasty text to stop contacting my mother-in-law. Stating that it isn't appropriate and that it's my time to get to know her. My sister flipped out, told me it is normal for her to be friends with her because she is family, told me I am asking my her to be rude because my mother-in-law is communicating with her, told me that it's wrong for me to set rules for her, insisted that when she has gone behind my back in the past, that it was out of "love" (she has, over the years, talked behind my back to my parents and cousins as well ruining my relationships with them. I still talk to my parents but not my cousins now). So I believe she is trying to build a relationship with my mother-in-law, so she can get information on me, share my personal info with my mother-in-law, & pass all the gossip to my parents. My sister continues to try to make me feel that I am mean, hateful, and crazy for wanting her to cease communications with my mother-in-law. Am I being unreasonable. Are there others who have a sibling who is their mother-in-law's best friend. I've never heard if it and I was looking for opinions on this.

Edited November 9, 2017 by Jasmine17

[GunslingerRoland]

I don't really understand your issue at all. What business of yours is it if your mother in law and your sister want to be friends? I would be happy that my family and my spouses family were getting along so well... I mean isn't that a million times better than the opposite?

 

Also I don't understand what you are saying about how it's your time to get to know your mother in law and not your sister's. That is just crazy talk, and also confusing. You live near your in-laws, you've been together for over 3 years presumably if you have a 2 year old. So what is keeping you from getting to know them over all this time?

 

You seem unreasonably paranoid. Worrying that a friendship between two people you know is all about gathering information on you, is extremely paranoid and an unhealthy line of thinking. This may sound harsh, but have you considered talking to a therapist?

[Jasmine17]

About getting to know people over time, I was referring to that as opposed to my sister spending an hour on her first phone call to my now mother un law. We had only known each other 6 months at that time. Aren't you being a bit rushed to judgement to be questioning my sanity befire even reading my respinsed to your questions for clarification? I wrote thus post for help and support. Nit to immediately be called crazy. My post was already long and it's difficult to include everything at once.

[stillafool]

I don't see a problem with what your sister is doing. They seem to have a great connection and have become friends. Most people marry and their parents become friends with the other spouses parents, siblings, etc. It is not your sister's fault that you take time to get to know people and she is more out going. It is doubtful that she is learning your business by being in contact with your mother-in-law. Who tells their mother in law their business in the first place? Certainly not I. Maybe your sister had her husband pry about your finances because she wanted to help you out.

[GunslingerRoland]

I'm sorry I'm not taking back my previous post.

 

You've put it upon yourself to decide who can be friends, and how long it takes for them to become friends. Those are NOT normal behaviors.

 

You can take as long as you want to establish a relationship with your in-laws. But if your in-laws become friends, with your family, and your friends, and whoever knows who else in the meantime, what does it matter to you?

[stillafool]

I imagine your MIL and sister talked an hour on their first conversation is because they found out they have a lot in common. Be happy for them!

[Jasmine17]

A couple years ago, I found out that my cousin was spreading false rumors about me to my sister for 3 months. Instead of talking to me about it, my sister believed everything and communicated all of it to my parents (my parents would call me but never mention the gossip). Then my sister decided to tell me this had been going on for 3 months. That is how I found out about it. I asked my parents why they never told me they were hearing all of this and it was because they were glad they were getting the information But what they were hearing was nasty gossip that wasn't true or was exaggerated. I also stated in the original post that my sister had her husband contact my husband and asked that i not be told about the conversation. This was to ask about my finances. These are the reasons why I don't trust my sister's intentions with my mother-in-law. Also, my sister was diagnosed bipolar & borderline. People with these issues tend to have boundary issues anyway.

Edited November 9, 2017 by Jasmine17

[GunslingerRoland]

People with these issues tend to have boundary issues anyway.

 

You just told two adults that they can't be friends, so boundary issues, may not be the stone you want to hurl...

 

But in light of what you just posted, which was far more important and relevant than what you said in your original post, maybe you do have reason to be cautious. But you need to fix your family drama. If your whole family is against you, then maybe you should think about why?

[stillafool]

So your cousin spread false rumors and your sister told your parents. Does this mean you don't want your sister in your life anymore or you just don't want her to be friends with your mother in law? You mother in law seems to like her quite a bit if she wants to visit her. Have you also asked your mother in law to stay away from your bipolar sister because she has boundary issues?

[Jasmine17]

I have not said anything to my mother-in-law because, she doesn't know everything about my sister and I and I don't want to bad mouth my sister even though she does it me because I know how it feels. I trust my mother-in-law., but I'm worried that my sister will once again use her charm and money to get my mother-in-law to believe nasty gossip or just false info about me as she has done in the past. I tell my sister very little about my life nowadays because anything I tell her gets twisted around as something negative and this is hurtful to me. I told my sister a year ago that I got a new job and how excited i was about it. Instead of being happy for me, she told me that I should have kept my previous one and that I should ask for it back. Then she told our parents I was making a big mistake and they got on her side about it. I still have that job now and it has been great. When I got pregnant, my sister told me she almost disowned me because I wasn't married first, but decided to "forgive me". My parents were happy about the pregnancy and so was myboyfriend (now husband) and I. So, I protect my feelings now by telling her very little. I still talk to her because she is my sister. I just don't share everything. But this doesn't work if when she just calls my mother-in-law and starts getting info from her. I didn't tell my mother-in-law what she can & can't tell my sister, because I know it sounds crazy. So she thinks my sister's questions about me are completely innocent. She doesn't know how my sister treats me. I really don't know how to broach the subject or if its even possible. All I know is that I want the drama to stop. My requests for it to stop to my parents & sister are laughed at.

Edited November 9, 2017 by Jasmine17

[GunslingerRoland]

I would say that being honest to your mother in law about your sister, would be good, except it sounds like you are the only one having problems with your sister. And it also sounds like are having problems with your cousin and your parents. So again, this seems to be more about you and your relationship with your whole family, than about her.

[Jasmine17]

My sister is a housewife. For the past 20 years she has called my parents multiple times a day, every day. An no, I have no problem with that. My parents have been retired for 25 years, so they have time to talk. Her husband is make very good money, so she is wealthy. She is able to send my parents much more money than I ever could. I am grateful she can help them financially. I work full time and by the time I can call my parents for a good conversation, they are eating dinner, getting ready for bed, etc, so they don't have time to be on the phone. These are the reasons why they are much closer to my sister than they are to me. My sister is 12 years older than me, and even though I am 40, she thinks I need her constant guidance in my life, however I am doing fine. I own a home, good job, awesome spouse, great friends. I do try to not let the drama and gossip get to me, but it is hurtful to be talked badly about by family when i don't deserve it.

[Jasmine17]

I definitely don't have problems with my mother-in-law caused by my sister...YET. But I am very concerned that it will start happening soon. It always has in the past. And my relationships with my family have only been aggrevated after my sister gets involved. In reference to my cousin,, my sister said that my cousin contacted her first about me but it could very well be the other way around. She told me about what my cousin was saying about me over the 3 months in order to turn me against him, because at that time, he and I were closer than my sister and I, and apparently, she didn't like that. Well, it worked, because I was very hurt that he was spreading rumors about me behind my back. I was so humiliated that I trusted him and he was feeding some -true but private info- and other false rumors to my sister, that I just backed away from that relationship and we're just facebook friends now. I don't want a rift like this to happen between me and my in-laws in the future. I don't want to wait for it to happen & then try to repair the trust & pick up the pieces.

Edited November 9, 2017 by Jasmine17

[Ieris]

@Jasmine17 ~ Just because your MIL gets along well with your sister, that doesn't stop her getting on well with you. You should focus on your own relationship with your MIL and not get involved with other peoples' friendship.

 

My sister's MIL is really fond of me and constantly asks my sister for my email/phone number so she can invite me to parties and family gatherings/holidays that she organizes. My sister says she always asks about me and compliments me but my sister has a good relationship with her as well so there's nothing wrong with all getting along.

[Jasmine17]

I agree with you, @Leris , it shouldn't affect the relationship. It's just that my sister has done many hurtful things in the past that cause me not to trust her. Did you read any of my replies after the main post? I elaborated more on the issue. Also, why would your sister's mother-in-law need to ask your sister constantly for your phone number & email? Shouldn't she only need to get it from her once? Or does she keep losing it?

Edited November 9, 2017 by Jasmine17

[Whodatdog]

This is grade school stuff. You are not the friendship monitor. People can be friends with whomever they want. Its not your call. Sounds like you have enough on your plate trying to figure out why you have such disfunctional relationships with people.

[Whodatdog]

About getting to know people over time, I was referring to that as opposed to my sister spending an hour on her first phone call to my now mother un law. We had only known each other 6 months at that time. Aren't you being a bit rushed to judgement to be questioning my sanity befire even reading my respinsed to your questions for clarification? I wrote thus post for help and support. Nit to immediately be called crazy. My post was already long and it's difficult to include everything at once.

 

Guess what? Your mother in law also spent an hour on the phone with your sister. Apparently she enjoyed talking to her, no one has to talk to anyone on the phone. You are allowed to say, gotta go, goodbye. Apparently she didnt. And they are now friends. You do indeed sound paranoid.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

OP, I'm wondering if you also might have borderline personality disorder like your sister does? This whole thread is coming off like that.