She left me, didn't see it coming

[wishyouneverleft]

I met this woman at a wedding overseas, we fell for each other, she told me she loved me two weeks in the relationship, she "loved bombed" me, told me I was the one, that she wanted to spend the rest of her life with me. Even bought tickets to see me. I visited her twice in her country, and she gets distant and decides to dump me, 4 days before it was her turn to come visit me.

 

The flags were there, but I ignored them because I was in love. After breaking up with me she asked me to respect her wishes. I blocked her and went NC right away. Told her that she doesn't know the damage she does and to use the money I sent her for the flight on therapy. Than she still decides to come to my country to "talk" and she wrote an e-mail on her 3 day, but wouldn't answer her phone or reply to text messages. Told me where she stayed, so I felt she was sending mixed signals. She finally picks up the day she's supposed to leave and I told her how I felt, that the trust was gone and we ended it there. She was surprised I cut off the convo and said "We're going in circles now, this is good bye now". She's used to men chasing her. It's been NC for months, and she decided to contact me in the last place I forgot to block her (facebook call). I told my cousin (families are close) to please leave me alone. I regressed back to almost step 1 in my grieving.

 

 

Finally I talk to her the morning before she leaves and completely contradicts everything she said in the beginning. No longer was she the dreamer, passionate, ambitious, and open minded person. She was completely closed minded, said she was worth gold in her 3rd world country she lived in and didn't want to move anywhere. I would of respected that had she came out with the truth from the beginning. But everything felt so real, said she wanted to move to the states and move to Miami with me. I was going to compromise and initially travel two weeks out of the month and live out there initially.

 

One of the flags that sticks out is that she almost dumped me for not having a college degree.

 

 

She was 22 and a senior in college. My mistake for dating someone so young while she's a decade younger than me.

 

I almost lost my job, my company, my friends, and possible my apartment.

 

But damn I miss her so much, I know.

Edited November 10, 2017 by wishyouneverleft

[JimmyNYC]

How long total did you date her while things were going well? Anyone can say anything. Sounds like you really didn't know her and she was saying a bunch of things you wanted to hear. The only thing that matter is ACTIONS and CONSISTENCY. Trust comes from those over time. You have to get to know someone for at least 3 months to a year before you can really get sense of the real person inside. People will tell you anything in the first two weeks that may not be true or last. She is very young. She lives in another country. This seems to all be a recipe for disaster, I"m sorry to say. Move on and find someone closer to home.

[heretoh3lp]

Your first red flag should have been when she told you she loved you 2 weeks into the relationship. People who do that, are typically what I like to call "noncommittal love birds." They will often tell you the love you, that you're the soul mate, that you're the only one they were looking for early on, before completely shutting down and cutting everything off, which is what sounds like she did. Stay clear of people like this.

 

She seems wishy washy and unsure of her feelings or what she wants. It is best just to let this one go. You miss her, I'm sure, but you'll save yourself from a whole lot of pain if you let go now, rather than holding on and letting her continue to mess with your head.

 

I suggest finding someone closer to you.

[Highndry]

This doesn't even sound like a relationship, and I'm not sure you were in love, either. I know you're hurt, but unless I'm missing something there was never really anything there.

[Beachead]

Been there. Been loved bombed. Been told all kinds of sweet things only to eventually feel real stupid in the end. These girls aren't in it for the long run.

 

Girls like this fall in love with the idea of being in love. They want their romantic hollywood/bollywood movie moment too. In her case, she probably loved the idea of meeting a guy at a wedding who lived in another country whom she could eventually move away with and live happily ever after..without any real intention of doing it. Just a fantasy. When things got real, she switched off...and that was it.

 

You're going to hurt a lot over this and the hurt will get worse and make you want to contact her. Please don't.

 

If you remain in NC and focus on getting on with your life, you will eventually come to feel much better over time. There is no future there with her. She's a young girl with all the time in the world to screw up and recover from her mistakes. She's proven to be immature and unworthy of your love . You on the other hand are in your 30's. In the prime of your life. Don't waste it on uncommitted, half-assery. That love needs to be given to someone who deserves it. If you continue to remain in this, recovery from all the damage she could potentially cause may take years while she will move on in the blink of an eye.

 

Goodluck

Edited November 10, 2017 by Beachead

[wishyouneverleft]

This doesn't even sound like a relationship, and I'm not sure you were in love, either. I know you're hurt, but unless I'm missing something there was never really anything there.

 

 

Yes, lol, you're missing the part where we had the strong connection where we had so much in common, conversations just flowed for hours, she was the want that aggressively kept more and more staying contact, hourly texts, calls, and at one point was the one that wanted to go to bed on Facetime every night. I simply went with the flow and let the feelings grow without pace, without seeing that this thing was going at 100 mph. The connection was strong, everytime I went to visit felt like I was on cloud 9. Made me imagine and think things I've never thought before in my 30+ years of existence. Marriage, kids, slowing down in the career. I even bought a ring.

[Beachead]

Yes, lol, you're missing the part where we had the strong connection where we had so much in common, conversations just flowed for hours, she was the want that aggressively kept more and more staying contact, hourly texts, calls, and at one point was the one that wanted to go to bed on Facetime every night. I simply went with the flow and let the feelings grow without pace, without seeing that this thing was going at 100 mph. The connection was strong, everytime I went to visit felt like I was on cloud 9. Made me imagine and think things I've never thought before in my 30+ years of existence. Marriage, kids, slowing down in the career. I even bought a ring.

 

..and despite all that, she called it quits. To her, what you two shared wasn't worth fighting for. Wasn't worth keeping. Wasn't worth it. It takes the beauty out of it doesn't it?

 

Focus on that, forget the rest and leave her in the past where she left you.

Edited November 10, 2017 by Beachead

[Highndry]

Yes, lol, you're missing the part where we had the strong connection where we had so much in common, conversations just flowed for hours, she was the want that aggressively kept more and more staying contact, hourly texts, calls, and at one point was the one that wanted to go to bed on Facetime every night. I simply went with the flow and let the feelings grow without pace, without seeing that this thing was going at 100 mph. The connection was strong, everytime I went to visit felt like I was on cloud 9. Made me imagine and think things I've never thought before in my 30+ years of existence. Marriage, kids, slowing down in the career. I even bought a ring.

 

From what I read, it looked like you met her at a wedding but don't even live in the same country, then you only saw her two times after that. How much time did you spend together?

[wishyouneverleft]

I didn't see her two times, I visited Europe two times after the wedding. Spent every day with her while I was over there. The feelings were so intense; I've never felt like that before. The ideas of marriage, a future together, kids, future with someone I can rely on; I've never had that just naturally conjure. We had so much in common, we would practically finish each other's sentences.

Edited November 13, 2017 by wishyouneverleft

[Blanco]

Yeah, but it sounds like you guys basically met a total of, what, three times? It's easy to get swept up in something when being around each other happens so infrequently that it's like a vacation when you finally can do it.

 

It honestly sounds like you were infatuated; not in love. I know that doesn't ease the hurt any more. But take comfort in that this was not likely true love.

[wishyouneverleft]

Yeah, but it sounds like you guys basically met a total of, what, three times? It's easy to get swept up in something when being around each other happens so infrequently that it's like a vacation when you finally can do it.

 

It honestly sounds like you were infatuated; not in love. I know that doesn't ease the hurt any more. But take comfort in that this was not likely true love.

 

 

Please don't be quick to judge. We saw each other more than three times during those two visits. I know what I felt, and I've felt infatuation before. What she felt is another story, perhaps it was infatuation on her end. But I do agree with the other posts where basically she didn't value our relationship, the age, etc. Just beat myself up that my intuition didn't pick up on this sooner.

[wishyouneverleft]

..and despite all that, she called it quits. To her, what you two shared wasn't worth fighting for. Wasn't worth keeping. Wasn't worth it. It takes the beauty out of it doesn't it?

 

Focus on that, forget the rest and leave her in the past where she left you.

 

 

Despite it all, that's exactly how it is. Thanks man, this really boils it down to the facts. True love doesn't get discarded this way.

[wishyouneverleft]

I get dumped by the love of my life and realize it was all a facade, I hit such a low point during those weeks I asked another ex if she wanted to be friends with benefits. I needed something to feel something even remotely close to what I lost. No woman in my 30+ years made me feel the "warm and fuzzies" that she did. First time in my life I felt there was another purpose than to just work, make money, and have career ambitions. Long story short I got back with the other ex, and the problems that we had before are back. She has a kid and his father is now giving her hell now that he knows I'm back in the picture.

 

I'm not here saying "Why me?!". I take full responsibility, I brought this onto myself. I'm just so conflicted, I don't want to end it with her because she is great and aside from the kid's father, and although I may not feel or see the same things in the future for us, I can make it work. I do have feelings for her and I can see a future together.

 

I've been single for years and if she leaves I won't feel the same pain as the dumper, but I feel I owe her because not only did she come back, she broke up with a guy she was dating for a month.

 

I just feel she keeps making the same mistakes, doesn't put barriers with the kid's father, and then I have to see her suffer.

 

I honestly don't know what to do.

[d0nnivain]

the woman you broke up with was not the love of your life. If she was, you would still be together.

 

 

Your other EX who is now your FWB should have been relegated to just that -- a purely sexual relationship only. Frankly she was a fool to break up with a BF just to have sex with you. If that sex relationship is bringing you down just end it but for heaven's sake don't treat the woman like a yo-to & try to reel her back in for a 3rd try just so you can feel better about yourself.

 

 

Take some time. Heal from the break up that hurt you. Move forward in a healthy way from there.

[wishyouneverleft]

the woman you broke up with was not the love of your life. If she was, you would still be together.

 

 

Your other EX who is now your FWB should have been relegated to just that -- a purely sexual relationship only. Frankly she was a fool to break up with a BF just to have sex with you. If that sex relationship is bringing you down just end it but for heaven's sake don't treat the woman like a yo-to & try to reel her back in for a 3rd try just so you can feel better about yourself.

 

 

Take some time. Heal from the break up that hurt you. Move forward in a healthy way from there.

 

I'm sorry, I didn't explain that part. She wouldn't have me as a FWB, so we decided to give it another try. She saved me from being in a very, very dark place because of my ex. I suffered more her (the dumper) loss than my own father's death.

 

What I have with her (my current gf) I like, and I'll ride it out. Its a lot more peaceful, and though there are feelings, its nothing that I would mourn on the same level if it wouldn't work out. I definitely don't want to love again like I did with my ex, I never felt that way before or after her and I don't want to feel that again. The inspiration and feeling of willing to do anything to maintain the relationship, being completely open and vulnerable, feelings just conjuring naturally and reveries, on top of the reciprocation, (at least the false sense in her case) was blissful.

 

You're right, I'm committed to her now. I don't want anybody else. If this doesn't work out, I'm clocking out. My grand-aunt never married or had kids. and I've got friends that after splitting up with their wives/ex-fiances also haven't looked either, and its been years. They all seem happy as well.

 

Being an adult sucks, all the poor life choices that one does no matter how young always comes back. I loathe the old me that once thought womanizing was the "thing". Living around men and a community that treated their sex lives like a scoreboard to see who fornicated the most was such a wrong way to live life. I abhor the way we used to be where you'd give each other high fives for sleeping with a woman. The damage we did to others and ourselves by following society's norms is so remorseful. I don't want to hurt people anymore in that way. The "American Pie" era needs to stop. I admire now the men that saved themselves until they found someone they could have an emotional bond with, and the women that did the same. I just can't believe how our past decisions affect us so gravely; its hard not to regret. Even on TV, Charlie Harper, Barney Stinsen, and any other womanizer gets the idolization. My household didn't help either, but that's another story.

 

Sorry about the rant, just so much I wish could be different. The Buddhist side just wants to accept, the other side wishes there was a time machine, and part of me wishes my ex never dumped me.

Edited November 17, 2017 by wishyouneverleft

[wishyouneverleft]

For months she said she wanted to marry me, she swore we'd be together forever, that I'm the one.

 

 

The day of the breakup after showing her the ring she says, "I never told you to go out and buy that ring".

 

The traumatic experience of severing me from the person I thought I knew, the connection, having someone that sees the world as you do, the emotional attachment that adds a hue in life that you never knew existed, the person I held in my arms, and just like that, cut. My future taken away from me, the lies, the games. I never made someone my everything, never put a relationship at the top of my priority list until I met her. Nothing stopped me, my intuition never even sent off one alarm.

 

Its trauma, I can't believe how someone can just crush something in a matter of days, completely turnaround and throw it away.

[fieldoflavender]

Aren't you with someone else? Something tells me that the person you're with now isn't really doing it for you not to get over this person.

 

Hey the person who GAVE me the ring got his DAD to take it back. That would be pretty damn traumatic for anyone and it was for a while. But to be honest, I'm over that part now. Am I still angry at them? You bet, but whatever, I mean once you move on, you get over things like that. People change their minds and people are cowards.

 

Only you have control over your own thoughts and destiny.

 

Yeah I have moments of weakness and get obsessive over why this why that. But you know what - I can control how I React, I can't control what my ex did. He is out of my life to be honest, and he can go marry someone and have 5 kids tomorrow or he can go wallow in his own pity - but it has nothing to do with me anymore.

 

We need to move on. And don't jump into another relationship if you're not ready - it's not fair to the other person and you'll delay your own healing.

[wishyouneverleft]

Aren't you with someone else? Something tells me that the person you're with now isn't really doing it for you not to get over this person.

 

Hey the person who GAVE me the ring got his DAD to take it back. That would be pretty damn traumatic for anyone and it was for a while. But to be honest, I'm over that part now. Am I still angry at them? You bet, but whatever, I mean once you move on, you get over things like that. People change their minds and people are cowards.

 

Only you have control over your own thoughts and destiny.

 

Yeah I have moments of weakness and get obsessive over why this why that. But you know what - I can control how I React, I can't control what my ex did. He is out of my life to be honest, and he can go marry someone and have 5 kids tomorrow or he can go wallow in his own pity - but it has nothing to do with me anymore.

 

We need to move on. And don't jump into another relationship if you're not ready - it's not fair to the other person and you'll delay your own healing.

 

Its really the trauma, Fever. This one is great and awesome, but like I said before, I've given up on letting someone close to me that made me feel the way she did. I grew up only depending and relying on myself, grew up learning how to be self-motivated because of my autodidact discipline (parents wouldn't pay for college and we were in borderline poverty, and I wasn't the best student because of my ignorance on the value of education). So I grew into my career, rivaling people with doctorates (Only in America). My current girl is great, great companion, sense of humor, and is beautiful. Does she make me think about a family and completely cherish a relationship and just automatically do what ever it take to keep it alive? No. But she does add to my life in a positive way and I can focus on my career where its my no.1 priority again. It sounds cold, but to let someone in that can take my focus away and completely feel that intense feeling of "love" only to fall victim to its fickleness is something I refuse to do again.

 

I did what I did because it was either this or I completely loose everything, possibly my life. I never had this feeling of loss hit me, even when I lost my father. The mourning was different, I couldn't even get up in the morning for a while.

[wishyouneverleft]

His therapist said every time the good memories rolled in, he should make a list of all the bad things and red flags:

 

The reasons I would never go back:

 

She wanted to get lipo at 21, she wasn't overweight. Just never liked working out.

The treatment of her friends. Told me her friends loved me because she treats them better ever since I came into her life

 

The dependency on her grandparents. They pay for everything for her. They live in lower class neighborhood, yet they spoil her rotten. Latest tech, iPhone, travel, car, clothes, they have a maid which she also treats like sh*t. It just doesn't make sense.

 

 

The treatment of her mother, even though she slaves away as a street vendor to pay her college, she says she's just like a friend to her and her grandparents are the ones she respects basically.

 

 

 

The fits and ease of agitation over the smallest things. Talking about her hair styles one day I said her that pulling it back really isn't an option just as a suggestion, and she went ballistic saying about how could I even mention pulling her hair back in a pony tail, and told me she'd call me back. It was just an opinion.

 

 

Lies about even the most feeble things. She claimed to always want to be a lawyer when the reality she wanted to be a doctor, but she couldn't pass the entrance exams and just gave up. Why did she lie? My family reassured me it wasn't me. I'm not judgemental at all, and even writing this makes me feel uncomfortable, but I need to remind myself about the bad things because only the good memories seem to come back to me when I'm meditating or when the random thoughts come to fruition.

 

 

 

Disregard for the law. Got belligerent with a cop who stopped her for stopping her for being on a cell phone to the point she got arrested. Since her grandfather is a retired cop, she knew she could get away with it.

 

 

 

Addicted to posting on Instagram. Took selfis no matter where she was, had people take photos for her like she was modeling, even on family outings.

 

 

 

Broke commitments and broke promises that affected the trajectory of our relationship and the sacrifices I was going to make for it. She wanted to move to be closer to me so I compromised and was going to move to a state that is a halfway point between where my clients are and her grandparents are so she won't be too far from her family.

 

 

I wanted to wait until marriage to have sex, but she was the one that insisted and got this implant thing. A month after sex she told me she regrets losing her virginity to me.

 

 

People tell me this was an issue, but I saw nothing wrong with this, she was 22 and was a senior in college while I was already a professional.

 

 

 

 

I'll keep adding as I remember.

She almost dumped me when she found out I didn't have a college degree, not seeing where I was in life and the freaken struggle it was to get there. I'm in a field where its almost impossible to get in without a degree, but because of my skill set, reputation, the fact I started learning my field as a child, and my autodidact nature, I have a 6 figure salary and live quiet well.

 

 

Edited November 19, 2017 by wishyouneverleft

[d0nnivain]

I suggest this to people on LS all the time.

 

When you are hurt sometimes you forget that there were bad things in the relationship too so this helps you to remember that it wasn't all sunshine & roses

[wishyouneverleft]

I suggest this to people on LS all the time.

 

When you are hurt sometimes you forget that there were bad things in the relationship too so this helps you to remember that it wasn't all sunshine & roses

 

Thank you for not thinking this was crazy!

[wishyouneverleft]

Doesn't respect boundaries- Told her not to contact me and she continues to try now that I've added NC

 

Her aunt and uncle kept her ex of 5 years around because they use him for free lawyer services. Knowing she wanted to move on and never let her heal.

 

Her family uses her

 

Her uncle was about to become an informant against a very powerful criminal organisation when extortion charges were levied against him when he was a high ranking law enforcement official, and he also used her ex to defend him in court

 

Her family used my aunt and swindled her out of almost $20k

 

Her grandmother was bi-polar

 

She always wanted to be referred to as a princess

 

Told me she loved me within the second week of going out

 

Went from telling me, "I need to talk to you throughout the day", and would even steal her grandfather's phone when she couldn't use hers to call me, to "I'm not going to have the phone by me the whole time now!", when she told me she couldn't use her data plan anymore and I offered to cover her cell plan because I missed talking to her frequently via text, Whatsapp, and phone after she would shut off her data plan.

 

Months into the relationship she told me she gets bored easily and smirked and all I could do is give her an awkward laugh. I didn't know how to handle that. Usually a woman tells me that in the beginning and I head for the hills.

 

She practically mirrored my personality so well that I felt I connected with someone finally on all levels. Then came the cracks in personality from changing her tune about where she was set on going for her masters, political views, stances on other opinions. Her obsession on just making money after school shocked me after we talked about our dreams. There's nothing wrong with any of this if it was told to me up front, it just bothers me that she hid so much.

 

Other lies included, the fact she hates going to clubs, when she completely contradicted herself she kept saying she was being "sincere" and couldn't answer when I asked her when was she really being sincere, during the initial statement or when she completely contradicted herself?

 

Once she shook up our foundation, nothing felt right. My intuition just finally kicked into overdrive and told me to get the hell out and not pursue. Its not about pride, its about having f*cking self-respect, dignity, and integrity. I have a pretty low "list" of what I look for in a significant other, I just have to connect and intuition has to OK it. That's it. This is the first time my intuition failed me and I loathe myself for it, but there a couple of things in my life that was going on that could have blinded it and didn't pick up on the red flags.

[wishyouneverleft]

I normally never had an issue with women I dated that didn't have their fathers in their lives, but this one definitely had issues regarding the fact that her father left before she was born. She told me she always wanted to meet him.

 

Her mother mocked her that when she moves out here she would be stuck with her mother-in-law... I live on my own and completely independent, also don't really speak with my mom.

 

Her mother warned her that I'd be controlling her, she knows me since I was a child, my family endorsed it knowing me.

 

Her grandmother told her she's worth Gold where she lives now and she'd have to start over if she moves in with me. I was going to support her until she got on her feet.

 

She's been sheltered all her life, and the only females in her life treats men like dirt, mother treats her husband/step-dad like garbage, grandmother treats her grandfather the same, aunt also treats him the same, so what was I going to expect.

 

I'm not perfect, but dammit I strive to always be a better man, even seeing a therapist to fix the issues of my past.

 

 

Fix from above post:

 

Other lies included, the fact she hates going to clubs, my cousin told me she used to go out frequently. During the breakup she completely contradicted herself she kept saying she was being "sincere" and couldn't answer when I asked her when was she really being sincere, during the initial statement or when she completely contradicted herself?

 

Once she shook up our foundation, nothing felt right. My intuition just finally kicked into overdrive and told me to get the hell out and not pursue. Its not about pride, its about having f*cking self-respect, dignity, and integrity. I have a pretty low "list" of what I look for in a significant other, I just have to connect and intuition has to OK it. That's it. This is the first time my intuition failed me and I loathe myself for it, but there a couple of things in my life that was going on that could have blinded it and didn't pick up on the red flags.

[fieldoflavender]

It's your decision, but it can be very selfish not to it all to someone while they may be doing so just because you can't get over being hurt.

 

In the end, this girl won't be enough. You getting over trauma will need to take place.

[fieldoflavender]

Also people can't be replaced. You just learn to recognize that they aren't what you need.