xo_confused_xo Posted August 19, 2005 Share Posted August 19, 2005 My boyfriend and I have been dating for three years this month. I thought it would be a good time to bring up the "engagement" talk seeing that our relationship has been great the whole time and I truley think he's the one. We are both in our mid-20s and financially we are doing better than most our age. He agreed that he is ready for marraige (or at least an engagement), and for the past few weeks, he has led me to believe that he was shopping. He even told me that I wasn't allowed to check his online bank account (I send out the bills). Then, two days ago while we were laying in bed, he told me that he was thinking that he could get me a promise ring. I really wasnt that upset by the whole idea because he claimed that the cost of a "ring i deserve" could set us back (we live with his mother at the moment). I don't know if this was the truth, or if he was trying to get out of it. Keep in mind he only pays for a car payment...No other bills. He brings in approx. 60k a year, so I'm a little afraid that it's me. Please help!!! Not angry.....confused Link to post Share on other sites
weekell75 Posted August 19, 2005 Share Posted August 19, 2005 Oh dear. Things don't seem too balanced. If he is bringing in 60k a year, why are you living with his mother? I don't think it you, I think he is scared of spending a little money. What does he spend his money on?? My mother always said to me, 'you can stop a generous man spending money, but you can't make a *careful* man spend'. I think this is very true. Men show their feelings not by words, like us girls, but by actions. He doesn't seem to be showing it by getting you a promise ring...has he got it for you yet? Be careful. Think ahead to when you could be at home with a couple of kids and not working. Who will be in control of the finances? You need to be sure he will provide plenty for you and the kids. Be careful. Link to post Share on other sites
Author xo_confused_xo Posted August 19, 2005 Author Share Posted August 19, 2005 Thanks for the reply. We live with his mother because he's been "looking" for the past two years. He hasn't gotten the promise ring yet (wants me to go), but has been very generous with gifts in the past. He got me a really nice Movado watch our first Christmas together (we were together 3 months at that point) along with many other things like a laptop...etc..... He's usually not afraid of putting out money unless it involves a life decision (ie. house) which is why I am concerned that maybe he's looking at our relationship from a "beneficial" point of view which maybe why he's not proposing. As I posted earlier, he has said that he is ready but I don't understand what he means by a "promise ring". Link to post Share on other sites
curiousnycgirl Posted August 19, 2005 Share Posted August 19, 2005 Not to be glib - but I think you need to ask him what he means by a promise ring. I agree - you are living together why a promise ring now? Sounds like he has very overarching committment issues, if he can't make life decisions - can you work him through it? Perhaps - but first you need to understand what's in his head! Link to post Share on other sites
Author xo_confused_xo Posted August 20, 2005 Author Share Posted August 20, 2005 Your right.....maybe I should ask him....but in a way I feel like I'm being annoying I don't want to pester him. Link to post Share on other sites
Venetian Posted August 21, 2005 Share Posted August 21, 2005 Try not to think of it as "pestering" him. You make half of this relationship too, so he shouldn't get to make all the important decisions on your behalf. My suggestion: wait for a quiet moment and launch a non-threatening relationship chat with him (as you did previously). Mention the promise ring and ask him what he thinks it would represent. From there, you can ask why you would not be getting engaged instead. If it is a case of money, perhaps you can work out a way to get around it, especially if you know his bank balance! Best of luck. Link to post Share on other sites
weekell75 Posted August 22, 2005 Share Posted August 22, 2005 Hear hear. Link to post Share on other sites
Author xo_confused_xo Posted August 25, 2005 Author Share Posted August 25, 2005 anybody else? I can use all the help I can get. Our 3 year is tommarrow. Link to post Share on other sites
weekell75 Posted August 25, 2005 Share Posted August 25, 2005 OH, you poor pet. I would have a long talk with him. I agree with the others here. But I would be a little worried about what his long term intentions are. I was in a relationship where I was always financially and emotionally putting in more then him, and in the end i got tired of it. I looked on him as more of a parasite, sucking all he could out of me before I finally came to my senses and dumped him. I never heard or saw him after that. It was then that I knew he was just using me for a whole year. Now, this is a bit drastic, I know, but I think that is what made me reply to you in the first place. Some parts of your story sound very familiar to me...Do you think your relationship is balanced? Do you feel part of a team? When the going gets tough, do you get enough support from him? Is there an equal balance of give and take? From what i can see, he definately is doing his fair share financially. I think if I were you, I wouldn't accept the promise ring, because then you are accepting second best, and you deserve the best. I would tell him you want an engagement ring, nothing less. If he says he can't give you one at the moment, then say you shall wait for one....but not forever. Link to post Share on other sites
bab Posted August 25, 2005 Share Posted August 25, 2005 the cost of a "ring i deserve" could set us back (we live with his mother at the moment). I don't know if this was the truth, or if he was trying to get out of it. Keep in mind he only pays for a car payment...No other bills. He brings in approx. 60k a year What exactly is the kind of ring that he thinks you deserve? It must be one ridiculous ring! So, using the two month salary rule (which my fiance and I didn't), that's around $10,000, which yes, is a bit much. Maybe he feels like he has to spend that much? Talk to him and find out what he is thinking in terms of cost. Maybe he doesn't know what you expect and really doesn't want to disappoint. It could be a legitimate concern if he assumes he HAS to spend $10,000. If you would be okay with a ring in say the $3000 range, that doesn't seem like something he shouldn't be able to do. If he's living with his mom for 2 years, with only the one bill, is he trying to pay cash for a house? The best thing you can do is TALK to him. Marriage is a big deal, one of the most important decisions we make in our lifetime. Why is it that when we are willing to talk about everything else, we feel it's taboo to discuss this? Our 3 year is tommarrow. Congrats! Happy Anniversary! Link to post Share on other sites
MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 Posted August 25, 2005 Share Posted August 25, 2005 So...my question is....why are YOU living with his mother? Link to post Share on other sites
Author xo_confused_xo Posted August 25, 2005 Author Share Posted August 25, 2005 Thank you for all of the quick reply's! He has money in the bank to save for a house... He wants to put ALOT down (so he says) and the "reason" why he isn't buying right now is because he says the price of houses are too high (expecially in our section of jersey), which leads me into the ring. I do not expect to get a 3,4,5 k ring and I've expressed this to him. I was looking into 2k rings with him and they were around $15,000 which according to his bank statement, Isn't hard to swing. Keep in mind we are still young and travel and go out to eat alot which does cost $, but as everyone has said... The math doesn't add up and I'm aware of it. I think he wants to put about 150,000 down on a house (around here houses go from 500k-millions). He just graduated college 2 years ago so he hasnt saved up the whole 150, but hes trying. I just don't know what to do. I think I'm just going to tell him no thanks on the promise ring and express my concerns. I appreciate all the help I've revieved on here Link to post Share on other sites
Mz. Pixie Posted August 25, 2005 Share Posted August 25, 2005 So, the two of you are living on his mom while he socks away 150K down payment for a house? Must be nice. This is not the real world though actually. Are his parents wealthy? If I was his mother, I'd be a little offended by this. It sounds like he's got a fear of commitment and growing up. Anything involving a life decision...... Link to post Share on other sites
MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 Posted August 25, 2005 Share Posted August 25, 2005 So he scrapes together $15,000 for a ring. Then what? You know weddings cost money. Who is going to pay for that? I'm thinking if $15,000 for a ring is within your means (his means) you're probably looking at $75,000 or more for the wedding? Sounds like it will be a long engagement to me. What are you contributing to this little future nest egg? I'm curious. When I got engaged I knew exactly how much money my fiance had in the bank, I went out and picked out a ring and he bought it. Yep 1/4 carat with 1/2 c in total for a whopping $1200. A wedding for 130 people for around $10,000. You're making this out to be all about the ring and not the relationship. I suggest you move out to your own place and live your own life while he decides how important YOU are in the relationship over how much money he can scrounge. Link to post Share on other sites
Author xo_confused_xo Posted August 26, 2005 Author Share Posted August 26, 2005 Just wanted to let you all know that my boyfriend tricked me. As I said, today we celebrated our 3 year anniversary. He told me that he wanted to get a promise ring and today I actually recieved the most beautiful engagement ring ever!!!! I feel bad for having doubts in him but he said that he wanted it to be a suprise.. which it was!!!!! Thank you for all of your responces but hopefully I wont need to post anymore Link to post Share on other sites
winnie_05 Posted August 26, 2005 Share Posted August 26, 2005 Congratulations on your engagement. Winnie Link to post Share on other sites
weekell75 Posted August 26, 2005 Share Posted August 26, 2005 Congrats!! But one more thing - he isn't buying now because the prices of houses are too high - house prices generally don't go down, they go up, so he is better off buying a soon as he can, surely? But anyway, congrats again, and I am sooo jealous of you. Well done. Ps. How much was the ring.....? Link to post Share on other sites
Author xo_confused_xo Posted August 26, 2005 Author Share Posted August 26, 2005 Thank you!!! Of course after the big "?" was asked, he told me that we're going to start house shopping in about 6 months. Seeing that I am waiting to graduate college before the wedding, I think its a great idea (plus the mere fact that he mentioned house shopping was great) lol. He was so proud of the ring he picked out for me that he couldn't help but tell me how much he spent. He started off the proposal by saying..."Hunny, there's something I have to tell you. I lied to you twice during the three years we've been together. The first time was last Saturday when I said I went to work and the other was this morning when I said I went to work. The reason I lied is because....." Then he got down on one knee and said " because Saturday I was in the city (NYC) buying this and this morning I went to your house to ask your father...Will you marry me?" I was in complete shock! It is a beautiful 2.1k platinum ring. He bought in in NY and had it mailed to his moms work to avoid sales tax and so I wouldn't see it. He said that the quality is great and so it cost him $17,400 after all was said and done (to answer your question). I cannot believe I have this thing on my finger!!!! I've never owned a piece of jewelry that has to be on the home owners insurance.. lol... But to tell you truth, as beautiful as it is, the fact that he "snuck around" to find the perfect ring and how he asked my father means so much. Yesterday was the happiest day of my life (other that the wedding day). Thank you all for your support! Link to post Share on other sites
MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 Posted August 26, 2005 Share Posted August 26, 2005 MWC wonders if she'd be this happy if the ring cost a mere $10000 Just kidding, enjoy this time. So you're engaged. A wedding to plan. Shouldn't that come before buying a house together? Sorry, that's the "old-fashioned" coming out in me. Link to post Share on other sites
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